Name: Tim Dillon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #480
Uploaded: 2024-01-31T02:45:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #480' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #480' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-31. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #480

I've got some remaining tour dates to tell you about. Tickets are currently
remaining in State
College, PA, February 7th. Amherst, Massachusetts, February 9th. Brisbane in
the Australia on March 1.
Sydney in the Australia on March 10th. Jackson, Mississippi, March 26th. New
Orleans, Louisiana,
March 29th and 30th, right there before Easter. Atlanta, Georgia on April 4th.
Get all your
tickets at Theovan.com slash T-O-U-R. Today's guest is one of the funniest
people I think that's ever
lived. And it's a wild thing to say because I'm only just known of this period
of time, but I'd go
on to throw him on in there. Probably in the top 400. He is on his American
royalty tour right now.
He has his own show, The Tim Dillon Show. It's a podcast. You can find it every
week. I'm just so
grateful to get to yap it up with this guy. Man, he makes me laugh. Today's
guest is my friend,
Mr. Tim Dillon.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I'll be singing
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay.
I don't know. Sometimes I like it. I just started doing it because like.
Can we see Tim's shot just so we have his idea of it so we can.
If you can de-red my face somehow that would be amazing I know that these
things are hard
to do.
Did you get a procedure done or something?
No, no it's just I just have like I have like a breakout today some days you
just wake
up and you have like a breakout but if you have any of the technology that
James Cameron
used in Avatar to de-red your face a little to just de-red my nose yeah we'll
take something
off of you.
Any of the uh.
Whoop.
You do like plastic surgery there's got to be some like AI like I just.
No we just got scalpel we just got scalpel.
Good.
I think that.
Software.
Technology should get to a point where like literally when someone sees you
they should
go who are you.
You know.
Yeah I agree man.
Yeah I mean.
The fact that we have to show up.
It's crazy.
As ourselves.
It's insane.
It's insane.
And that's why the um.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what the metaverse is gonna is gonna slap.
That's the kids would say.
Dude.
The simple fact that.
Yeah.
A one legged person.
Yeah.
Has to actually present themselves.
It's insane.
They should just.
Yeah.
Cause you know online they have two legs.
It's like.
Hey.
How humiliating do you want this existence to be.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now I see why people are like Jacob Elordi 2006 on their handle.
Yeah.
But they won't.
Come to the door to get their door dash.
No.
Because God only knows.
I'll tell you this man.
Those door dash people see some shit.
Oh God.
Dude.
First of all.
Lest we forget.
The people that have had to go.
To people's homes brother.
Yeah.
They have to go into the.
Trenches.
Well sometimes they get killed.
Sometimes people kill them.
Sometimes you have a burrito in your car.
And you're driving it.
To someone's house.
And that is going to be the last thing you do.
On this earth.
The last thing you do.
Is walk a soggy burrito.
To a guy's house.
And instead of just taking the burrito and saying thank you.
He goes I'm going to kill you now.
Yeah he said.
And then they kill you.
Yeah.
They say welcome to Memphis.
Yeah.
Welcome to Memphis.
And the crazy thing is.
A lot of the people inside.
Who know they're going to kill you.
Yeah.
As you're walking up.
Murders have gotten so.
Advanced with like ambiance.
Yeah.
Production.
Yes.
That they will even play.
Yeah.
There goes my hero.
Right.
From like a yard plant.
Yeah.
Speakers.
Hidden in yard plants.
Yeah.
As you're about to go.
And then you're.
Watch him as he goes.
And you're laying there.
And you're bleeding out.
And you.
One of the last thoughts you have is this song is great.
Yeah.
This is a great song.
Yeah.
And I'm sad I won't be able to hear it anymore.
It's the last thing I'm hearing.
And then you see that burrito as you're bleeding out.
You just look at it.
And just that burrito.
Yeah.
It's a tough gig.
A hand just comes in a framing.
Just grabs it.
Yeah.
It's a tough gig.
The gig economy is tough.
Well you know I've talked about this before.
It's.
They want us to all just be gig.
People who are doing gigs.
Oh.
They want us to be.
It will eventually be.
The Lords.
Right.
Yeah.
And then everybody else will just be driving around.
Like literally holding.
We'll all be Uber drivers.
Right.
And we'll be holding each other at gunpoint to be passengers.
Yeah.
Like be my passenger now.
Well.
Yeah.
Sit in the backseat.
Subscribe to my daughter's OnlyFans.
Right.
While you're back there.
Right.
She's in the front seat with a light on her vagina.
Yeah.
No.
It's going to get to a point where there's going to be I think communities.
Yeah.
Where no one leaves.
Like really wealthy communities.
And then people are just going to get so rich.
These houses are getting so big.
Everything they want is going to be in their house.
Like they're going to have the Whole Foods in the house.
Yeah.
It'll be a tinier Whole Foods but it'll be in their house.
They go I just have a grocery store in my home.
I have everything I need in my home.
We have a little doctor's office.
They're going to get to a point where you go to the doctor and they just take
an elevator
down in their house.
To an urgent care.
There's an urgent care.
There's a nurse sitting there.
Yeah.
And the nurse is going to hand you the paperwork and you go bitch you're in my
house.
You know what I mean?
And then she's going to go yeah but it's like still one of those things we have
to fill
out.
And you go all right.
So you're filling out paperwork in your own house to get your ball looked at.
And that's how rich.
That's the level of rich where you're never going to have to leave.
Never.
And why should you have to leave?
Yes.
I think then every now and then you gamble online by ordering DoorDash just to
see someone
come up from the depths from the lower from somebody climb out of a wishing
well.
Occasionally you'll go to an airport.
Yeah.
God.
Cheat.
And you're going to see these like people around you and they will have their
pillows around
their neck.
Yeah.
And they're drinking like smoothies and stuff and some of them are asleep on
the floor.
And you're going to go oh yeah that's what life is for most of these people
that don't
have a doctor's office in their house.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's definitely getting alarming man.
People are sleeping.
They had a family they found was sleeping in a wishing well.
They had basically commandeered a wishing well somewhere.
Yeah.
And a guy had built a two bedroom.
Yeah.
With shovels.
Right.
Had two bedroomed out a wishing well and it was raising his children in it.
Well it's like it's like all the Disney stories that we grew up with are now
very disturbing.
You know like this idea of like when you look back at all these stories.
Things like that like living in a well living in a wishing well.
If you had read that story when you were like 10 you'd be like that's the shit.
Yeah it's beautiful.
Like that's a beautiful moment that that family gets to live in that well and
wish every day.
Yeah.
And then you realize now it's just a place people throw cigarettes into.
Yeah.
It's a real horrible place you know.
Yeah.
You're just getting cigarettes and like.
Recyclables people.
Yeah.
Just recyclables.
Old furniture.
Yeah just a homeless guy yells into it every night when you're trying to sleep.
Just undecipherable yelling for 20 minutes.
People just throwing used clothing.
Oh.
Just throwing old Lacoste shirts down there.
Yeah.
So it's not like the.
You think it's like a family with a little lantern.
Yeah.
And it's like tonight it's time to wish.
But it's not that.
It's homeless people screaming if you come up I'm going to get you know.
It's tough.
Well also people don't want to talk about the real turf war that's going on Tim.
Yeah.
And that is between door dashers and the homeless.
Yes.
Well because if you're homeless if I see a door dasher I see I'm seeing an
opportunity.
Yeah.
That's all it is.
That's all it is.
If I.
By the way door dashers now are are they don't let it be known they're a door
dasher.
No.
They are stealth.
Yeah.
Food delivery people are stealth.
They'll dress up like post postal workers.
Yeah.
Vampires.
I've seen a vampire.
Yeah.
You don't even know who they are.
They're in a costume.
Yeah.
They're in a truck.
I see somebody just wandering like this.
Sometimes they have their friend with them as a lookout.
Have you seen that?
There will be be a guy in the front seat of the car and then his chick will be
just kind
of looking out.
Just making sure like nobody comes and kills him.
How crazy that door dashers.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Yeah.
I mean and they are also carrying messages.
Here's the thing.
I don't feel bad for any of them.
Yeah.
Because I don't know anyone who does it and I do believe anybody who's doing
door dash
has is is like you know in India they have a cast of people called the untouchables.
Do they really?
Yes.
You just can't fuck with them.
Wow.
You can't go near them.
You see them and you look away.
Uh uh.
That is kind of and no don't take offense to this but it is when I encounter a
food delivery
person in the wild I don't I look away.
No.
I will look away.
Damn.
You don't feel like you're one of them?
A food delivery person?
No.
Yeah.
I think there's so many other jobs.
I just feel like if you're delivering door dash I just inherently.
Here's the thing.
I love them as a person.
They're a child of God.
Yeah.
But they're in so much pain.
Are they?
A lot of times you can see they're in pain.
I can't see.
They're just listening to Scott's staff usually.
I don't feel like.
They're I think some of them are in pain.
They're just it's tough.
It's a hard.
I just it's hard for me to see and look.
Yeah.
Well we make them the saddest part is we make them drive too.
It's like.
Yeah.
They're a victim to gas prices.
At least in other countries they like door dashers will be on motorcycles or
they'll just
be throwing the food to someone who's further down the street.
They're actually cool.
Yeah.
Because many of them are Asian and they're on a tiny little bike and it's fun.
Yeah.
And they're having a great time and they're actually seeing how fast they like.
Yeah.
Seeing how fast they can get it to you.
Oh there's a dark web of that.
They are all on the way they get points in their little.
Yeah.
They like seeing how and many of them are risking their life with ramen on
their back.
Yeah.
To get it to you.
They're risking your life so that an NYU student can eat that ramen piping hot.
Yeah.
You're getting it so hot.
But in LA maybe I should qualify my statement.
Yeah.
It's only door dashers in LA.
Of course.
People that want to be like actors or screenwriters.
They're lazy.
The food's cold.
You barely get it.
Yeah.
That's my issue here.
It's not.
I don't want to malign all the food delivery people in Los Angeles.
I've noticed a problem.
Sometimes they'll just steal the food.
Yeah.
That's another thing.
Yeah.
Some of them are just looking to get a meal because you can apply online.
Yeah.
You can be working for door dash in six minutes or less.
That's one of their big things.
Yeah.
In six minutes.
That's not a good idea.
Yeah.
It's a horrible idea.
It's a horrible idea.
Become a door dash delivery guy.
In six minutes.
Yeah.
You can be a door dash delivery guy in six minutes.
Like, or in a very small amount of time.
I'm not sure what it is, but, and they call you an independent contractor.
Um, but yeah, next thing you know, you can be, you can have a food in 40
minutes.
You can be picking up food from somewhere that you can just eat.
Yeah.
I mean, I've had some issues with them.
Have you?
Well, I actually door dish now, I think it's pretty good.
It's the one that I use.
What?
I