Name: Magnet Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #482
Uploaded: 2024-02-14T13:51:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Magnet Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #482' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Magnet Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #482' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-14. Transcript available.

Magnet Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #482

All right, it don't have to be perfect, guys, you know, it's just life, it's
just life,
I'm talking to myself really, but also whoever's listening, it doesn't have to
be perfect,
baby, it's just life, the perfection's already been done, that's one thing I
got to remember
a lot of times, the perfection has already been done by a higher power, I'm
just, I don't
have, yeah, I just got to show up and just, and just try my best, baby, happy
valentine's
to you, and that's what's going on, it's love, baby, you know, you could hear Cupid
drawing
that bow back, and you don't know where he is, he could be on a rooftop, he
could be in
a backyard, you'll be walking along, and then, what's that, and next thing you
see, baby,
you're going to want to, you're going to want to hump, baby, you know what I'm
talking about,
you're going to want to hump it, or do something with it, or just rub up
against it, God, show
me something, God, but that's who Cupid is, baby, Cupid out there, he with that,
he got
that thing on him, he got that Draco, that love bow on him, you get hit, he's
the damn
Chris Kyle of love, just, just, and I look, he, look, I think they should put a,
a, a, a Cupid
on every building in the town, and let him just start popping off, and just
light the world up
with love, baby, and that's what I would like to see, because sometimes, look,
man, you don't, you
know, he'll hit you, and next thing you know, you out there, you touching on
the milkman,
you know, he, you get hit by Cupid's arrow, and next thing you know, you out
there, you
trying to lip lock on the damn, uh, AT&T service provider, you, you know, you
trying to slurp
face on some, on some dude with a couple of damn, uh, cables in his truck, if
you get lit,
you get lit, and that's the thing, to be lit up with love, that's the thing,
I want to just, I want to be loved all the time, not even to be in love with
somebody,
but just to just feel that energy, that's what I want to feel, you know, and
sometimes you get
hit by Cupid's arrow, and you, next thing you see the damn mailman, or
something, and you trying to,
you know, you trying to flex on him, you trying to reach in his bag, and sniff
all of his perfume
samples, or whatever, you trying to nose up that bag, baby, that delivery sack
he's got on him,
you just, you trying to just, just huff on everything he's got, um, and male
person, I should
say, I don't want to say, I don't think you say male, you know, it's, I call, I'll
be honest with
you, yes, I've called a male, um, woman, or female, I guess, some, a woman who
was delivering
mail, I don't know what they want to be called, or don't, but I called one of
them, this lady,
I'm not going to say she seemed like a guy, or whatever, but I think, you know,
if, if somebody
saw her, they'd say, hey, fella, what up, so she kind of was giving off that,
you know,
she was giving a lot of dude, and, uh, anyway, just, it's okay, it is what it
is, baby, I don't
know what I'm talking about, and I never have, but happy Valentine's, that's
what I want to
say, it's a day to think about love, it's a, it's a time to feel about love, we
got some
beautiful tunes right here, too, let me crack into a couple of instrumentals
right here,
oh, yeah,
that's that Mexicano love, that amor, eh, amor, you want some, I want amor,
that's that
Mexican love, bro, and that's, look, that's Mexican love, that shit can get, uh,
Latino love,
or whatever, um, amor de, um, amigos, Latinos, Mexicanos, legales, uh, amigos,
um, but that's
the love, like, Mexican love is wild, cause a Latino girl, she'll like be, I
love you, and
she'll be like, I'm going to tear your heart out and cook it at your father's
home, and
you're like, okay, that's, you know, that seemed like a lot, you know, they'll
be like, I love
you so much, mi hermano, yo vivo amor, or you, I'm going to saw your feet off
your body, and
hide them in the desert, and you're like, okay, well, that's, uh, they, they
just very
passionate, that's a passionate group right there, but they got love over there,
that Mexican
love, baby, what else we got, and that's, um, Lejos de Ti by Clara Mendez, that's
who that
was, beautiful instrumental, let's pull in another tune we got here,
okay, okay, okay, somebody,
okay, somebody,
this is somebody, this is somebody probably jerking off by a, in a park, you
know, by a
pond, or something like that, just feeding the ducks, as they call it, in, uh,
a lot of
homeless cultures, I believe, so that's a sad one, that's a sad one for Valentines,
you, but
that's a, it's a sad one, okay, let's hear another one if we got here, okay,
this is a fun club, baby, that disco, baby, yeah, yeah, let me hide a little
bit of LSD up in
yeah, yeah, yeah, feel me, that's kind of, that's, oh, that's,
girl, let me come over,
oh, yeah, that's one of them body wash brothers right there, that's that, you
could, that dude,
that's the kind of guy who'll just use a lot of body wash right there,
you could tell by his voice, listen to that man,
oh, yeah, let me wash your body tonight, that's a, that's a guy, he just got
unlimited body wash,
you call him over, he roll right into your place, he start, he'll wash your
body, he'll wash his body,
he'll damn, he, that's the guy, he got the body wash on him, that's that body
wash man right there,
baby, we could try again, we could try again, come back again, let me wash your
body, girl,
that's that, man, that's that fella right there, that's for sure,
and that is Victor Lundberg featuring Ed Mills right there,
um, yeah,
happy to be here with you,
um, fresh off of the Super Bowl, hope everybody enjoyed seeing that,
I, uh, yeah, I watched it, I was cheering for the 49ers, you know, I just,
I just wanted them to win, I felt like they were supposed to win last year, at
least get there,
um, I was kind of getting tired of the whole Taylor Swift, just the bowl-esque,
or just the,
just, it was, it was too much, like, geez, what did we do, it's just, it was
too much, um,
and then the game felt so much more, like, uh, like it just stopped the game so
much for commercials,
it felt like, like the commercials was the game, at some point, and then the
game was the commercial, like,
yeah, so, that, that was,
yeah, I just wanted them to win, I kind of always want whoever's, like, people
don't think is gonna win to win,
I think 95 times out of 98 times, that's what I want, I like the underdog, it's
just, it's the, it's the,
that, you know, because if the underdog wins, it makes you believe in
possibility more,
and I think I like that, I think there's something about that, that I like, and,
um,
but, oh, it's been a while, man, I know it's been a while since we've had a
solo episode, and, uh,
yeah, let's crack into it, what's going on,
it's just, I guess it's a time to maybe think about love,
you know, it's a time to think about love,
and loving somebody,
trying to think of the first time I was in love,
well, I remember,
I think it was probably like the,
I remember seeing this girl, I was at like, I don't know where I was, I was,
I was on a little vacation with my buddy, and he lived across the street, and
he would like,
he kind of, I think, was supposed to be twins, but they never formed, or
whatever, because
he would say something, he would be like, how, how are you today, and then
under his breath,
he'd be like, yeah, how are you today,
and you'd be like, huh, almost as if there was, it'd be like, hey, what do you
feel like doing,
and then you'd be like, yeah, what do you feel like doing, and it was almost
like there was like,
a twin inside of him, that never developed, but was still like, down in there,
like yelling
shit out of him, um,
but anyway, oh yeah, but his family, there was a beautiful family, and uh,
his dad would let us rake leaves at their house sometimes, and
um, and that was just something fun to do in the area, but uh, but they, what
took me one time
camping, or something, or just drove me off into the woods, to like look at a,
look at something, or something for a few hours, and there was, uh, there was a
girl by this,
by this river, by this stream, and she was getting some water out of the stream,
or something,
like crouched down getting some water, and it had like a very kind of Native
American kind of vibe to it,
and I think, I think maybe she had a ponytail in, or something, and I just
remember seeing her,
and I remember being like, oh my god, what is going on?
I just like, my whole like chest, and throat, and like the whole front of me,
felt like a man, like a magnet started up in it, like a magnetic field started
up into it,
and it like, made me think, oh my god, what a, I wanna, I wanna just stand
close to her,
but also be a far from her, it was kind of just like a magnet, we take two
magnets that are the same,
you know, and you put it, and they don't, they kind of push each, but it was
this, it was that same energy
kind of, it was like, I don't know, it was the first time that this force field
ever occurred inside of me,
and um, yeah, and that was a time that I had first felt some love, I remember,
and then, what else, oh, I had a lady that drove us to, um,
and oh, and happy February too, if anybody celebrates months or whatever, um,
but yeah, I had a lady that drove us to, oh, she drove us to summer camp,
and she was like a babysitter or something, I don't remember her name, I wish I
did,
god, I just wish I knew even just four or three of the letters of her name,
so I could just lay on my back and just fucking think about her, but I was, I
think maybe 10 or 9,
yeah, she drove, and I felt so cool, I just, it was the first time I'd ever ridden
somewhere with a woman,
or with a girl, so I think it really stood out in my head, you know, and we got
in the car,
and I remember closing the door and being like, oh my god, it's just me and her
in this car,
and I just fucking wanted to take my own eyes out of my face and just hide them
into my butt, man, I just,
I was just having, it was just, that's, you know, that was, that was it, and,
um, yeah,
I was just that nervous or whatever that I just, yeah, I wanted to take both of
my eyes,
literally take my eyes out of my face and put them into my butt or put them
into like a little bag or
something, because seeing the, just the, the fact that I could, that I was
taking in that she and I
were in the same place, and we were closing, and she was going to start driving,
and once she started
driving, I'm like, oh, we're going somewhere, what could happen, are we married,
you know, like,
it was just so much energy, oh, and before we took off, she reached over and
put my seatbelt on,
and my god, I mean, whatever eyeballs I had in my butt just came right out at
that moment, they just,
I mean, my eyes were just falling out of my ass, I just, uh, yeah, it was just,
god, I was just,
because just the fact she reached over and put it and clicked it in, and, um,
because she had to lean
over and I think she had a necklace on, it was just like the first woman I'd
been like that close around,
and so, uh, and she drove us, and she drove us to summer camp, she drove, she
was the counselor, and she
drove us over there, I think my mom had set it up, because my mom was going to
work, and so she set
it up where one of the counselors picked us up, and god, I just remember
thinking, I hope that god
lets us get married or whatever, and then, um, she played Bon Jovi in the car,
let's sing a song for the broken hearted, oh, living on a bright, living on a
bright, living on a bright,
and y'all ain't used to run, god, dude, and I'd never heard a song, I'd heard
songs, but only like dumb
shit, like the wheels on the bus go right, right, right, right, right, right,
you know, um, or whatever
that kind of shit was, whatever children's shit, I'd never listen to like a
woman play a song like that,
and yeah, those are, so those were some of those early times of love, those
were some of those early
times of love, and yeah, it's just, anyway, sorry to g