Name: Sketch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #497
Uploaded: 2024-04-23T21:22:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sketch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #497' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sketch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #497' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-23. Transcript available.

Sketch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #497

I have some tour dates I would like to announce for Europe.
I'm going to a friend's wedding in Europe, and so I was able to find some dates
last minute.
And these are what we can do for now.
I will be coming back and doing other cities and maybe doing some of these
cities again.
So don't be upset if I'm not coming to where you are right now.
I'll be in Belfast on June 7 at the SSE Arena.
I'll be in Dublin on June 8 at the 3 Arena, Manchester, UK on June 13, and
London, UK on June 15.
Those tickets in Europe are all on sale right now.
I will also be in Las Vegas on July 5th and 6th at Resorts World.
Get your tickets early starting this Wednesday, April 24th at 10 a.m. local
time with the pre-sale code RATKING.
General on sale starts Friday, April 26th at 10 a.m. local time.
We also have tickets remaining for Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Vancouver in the
British Columbia.
Today's guest is truly one of a kind.
He is everywhere right now.
He is an entertainer.
He's a streamer.
He is just the dang – he's the Winnie the Pooh of America and of the world,
maybe.
I'm fortunate to get to spend time with what is also quite possibly one of the
greatest minds in football right now, if we're being honest.
Today's guest is Sketch.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I'll be singing
Hello, Sketch!
Yeah, dude, I just got an IV, man.
But if you don't – if they don't get it in the vein, it can just fill up your
arm.
Yeah, that's scary.
I wouldn't want to do that.
Yeah.
When she was pumping me up, she was, like, putting the pressure on the bag and
stuff.
Yeah?
Yeah, that's when it was, like, I'm going to still kind of feel the pressure.
It feels – it's whack.
It's, like, feels weird.
But I feel way better.
You do?
Yeah.
What did you do it for?
Just for fun?
Yeah, I just was on a flight this morning, and I just wanted to – I can feel,
like, dehydrated sometimes.
Did you do it on the plane?
No, no.
I did it when I got home.
Yeah.
And there's some babes sometimes that do it, you know?
Yeah, we had a pretty good-looking lady pull up.
Yeah, yeah.
I had a dude – the last one I did in Vegas, I did it, and they took a picture
of me.
And then they asked, like, to post it on my social media.
And then, like, you look at my picture they posted, I was doused in water.
Because, like, when I get nervous, I just was, like, pouring water in my – I
poured two bottles on me.
Yeah, just to calm down?
So, just sitting like this.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I like to – if I get nervous, I like to feel cold.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're like a – who else is like that, maybe?
Maybe –
Vampires or something?
Maybe Native Americans or whatever?
Probably.
I don't know what they did to kind of cool off if it was real hot.
Yeah.
My mom puts that shade in her window, you know, like –
Oh, one of those?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But she doesn't, like, do water or anything like that.
Yeah, a curtain?
Yeah, yeah.
She just puts a curtain up.
But, yeah, my arm just blew up.
It would look like one of those – you know, like, when somebody – like, a
clown blows up one of those balloons?
Yeah.
It was turning into that, you know?
Oh, turning into, like, a Mickey Mouse hand?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I wanted to twist it off and just give it to a kid.
He got a Pixar arm?
Yeah, yeah.
That's funny.
Sketch, thanks for coming in, man.
Thanks for having me.
Thanks for hospitality.
It's been amazing.
I appreciate it, man.
Yeah, I – yeah, I was just thinking – what was I thinking about?
Can you see – how – can you see pretty good?
No.
You can't?
Well, I can't read pretty good.
I can see pretty decent.
Can you see me?
I can see – yeah, I can see you.
But if you're in a crowd of people, I'll probably have to get up in your face a
little bit.
Yeah.
These are more for reading the chat, but I usually don't wear glasses.
I don't – I don't like going to the doctor or the eye doctor.
Yeah.
I don't like things around my eyes.
So, like, getting them checked and stuff like that, I was, like – I was kind
of, like, trying to get out of there.
Oh, it just makes you nervous, huh?
Well, yeah, but I just don't, like, do stuff around my eyes or whatever.
Yeah, eyes are, like – they're almost like your buttholes of your face.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, they're very – you don't really want, you know –
Yeah, you don't want any –
If people are going to come around, you want them to ask first.
Yeah, no sticks around them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nothing sharp.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's a – you haven't –
But you can see pretty good?
No, not really.
I – like, the ones I have, like, the glasses that were prescription, one's,
like, a scope lens, and then the other one's, like, way off.
I think they're three clicks off because I was just, like, going, yeah, I'm
good.
Get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
And then I got them in the mail, and I was, like, oh, my God, I can't wear this
shit.
No way.
They're not doing it by mail now, are they?
They send them in.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, it's hard to – I mean, get them.
You got to get a – have you ever gotten a prescription for them?
Uh-uh.
Well, you got to go get prescribed for them.
So if you're, like, running out of your prescription and you lose your glasses,
you got to go, like, back in.
And I was, like, I'm not going back in.
Yeah, just mail me what you got, I guess, in, like – yeah.
Mail me whatever you have that's doing pretty well for people.
Yeah.
That's what I would say.
Yeah.
I wonder how far people should even be able to see sometimes, you know?
Yeah.
You should have it limited.
Well, it's just, like, what are we doing with – like, I guess, actually,
being able to see far is pretty good.
Yeah, that's, like, a – that's, like, a superpower.
Yeah.
I started losing my eyesight, like, three years ago pretty – pretty fast or
whatever.
Yeah, I don't know what it was.
Probably not drinking enough water, I think.
That?
Yeah, it feels like they could start cinching up if it looked like Spongebob
when he doesn't –
Yeah, maybe that's why you're pouring water on your head.
Yeah, dude, that's my – I'm doing it the wrong way, though.
Yeah, maybe your eyes are saying, look, bro, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, we'll work from the outside if that's how you want to do it.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder if – I wonder if we only could see, like, four feet
or something,
if that would be awesome.
Like sharks or crocodiles or something?
Yeah.
Just moved by vibrations?
Yeah.
Yeah, and you would meet more people, too.
You'd meet everybody.
Yeah.
Everybody, you'd be like, whoa, hey.
Hey, nice to meet you here.
Nice to meet you here.
There we go.
Everything's shoulder to shoulder.
Sardine lifestyle there.
Yeah, that would be pretty wild, man.
That is cool.
So do you think your vision went away?
Were you sitting too close to the screen or something?
Or what do you think it was?
It was that.
And then I think it was not drinking too much water.
And then I never got my – apparently squinting makes it worse.
So I've been squinting for, like, the last four years.
And it's just – I got astigmatism, too, or whatever.
But, like, I think it's the water.
And then I don't know.
I probably did something bad, and it's karma.
No, I'm just kidding.
Yeah, it could have been maybe.
You know, it could have been, yeah, I guess – yeah, maybe somebody has a voodoo
doll.
You should go check out your neighbors.
I know.
I need a – someone probably does have a voodoo doll of me now.
That's true.
They probably have one of you, too.
Well –
You have one?
I don't know.
There's definitely been – I've had some things mailed to me, some dolls
people have made.
Yeah, I mean, I guess we might have one now.
Somebody might have one, yeah.
It's working.
Yeah, that's true, huh?
I got some back pain.
It's working.
Yeah, you're not doing good.
What if CJ Strauss starts feeling all the shit that they put – if they start
needling yours up?
That would be worse.
I'd have to sacrifice myself for the greater good of our team here.
He's a great guy, though.
Yeah, have you met him?
Met him twice.
Really?
Met him randomly at the Apple store, and then met him – when I was in L.A.,
we played a little football.
Oh, sweet, man.
I threw up when we were running around, so it's like –
Why?
It just was tough?
It was just –
No, I haven't run in a while.
Just don't run much.
And is it scary to run if you can't see?
That's really brave, huh?
Yeah, no, that was the other part, was when he was throwing a ball, I could not
see to save my life.
Damn, but you still went out for a pass?
Yeah.
Wow, bro.
Like Batman.
Yeah.
Batman.
That is awesome.
That's like Vietnam kind of for you.
Kind of, yeah.
Less fire.
Less fire and traps.
You've really taken over America, dude.
You've kind of become like a stitch in the American flag.
I feel like you're like this thing that everybody feels like they can believe
in, you know?
You're kind of like the young male Helen Keller of the gaming community.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you're this, like, new, like, Harriet Tubman of humanity in a way.
Like, how did that kind of start?
Just for my listeners that don't know.
So, you're a streamer or a gamer?
Like, take me through some of it.
I know you're a human being.
Yeah.
So, I started randomly streaming, like, last year.
So, I'm, like, less than a year in.
Okay.
Just was doing it on, like, red.
Okay.
And what does streaming mean?
So, just so, because some people won't know.
Oh, so, like, I play video games, mostly.
And now I do more stuff.
But it started off just, like, playing Madden and playing football and stuff.
And when you stream, you're playing it in front of your computer?
Yeah.
Or you're playing it, like, where is the, how are you setting up the stream?
I set it, like, desktop.
It's in my room.
And then I have a webcam.
And I just turn it on and then start going.
But then people started, I kind of grew up, blew up a little bit when I was
doing the Madden stuff.
Because I like to do the audibles and stuff.
Yeah.
When there's, like, more people in there, I get nervous.
So, I like to fucking, or sorry for cussing.
Yeah.
Blur that out.
Yeah, we'll do something.
You don't have to.
We'll put a buzzer or we'll put a louder cuss word over it.
Yeah.
I like that idea.
Put it on someone else.
Shift the blame.
Yeah, we'll put a worse, we'll put a worse word over it.
We'll throw Papa John saying the N-word over it.
Oh, my God.
That's on him, bro.
There we go.
Hey, it's good pizza.
I know.
A great garlic sauce.
I'll tell you what, that'll make you shit your pants.
I mean, it'll make you, yeah, it'll make you say things you shouldn't.
Yeah, coming out like hot soup.
Yeah, that's how today works.
So, you started streaming and you were on there.
You're just playing and then people start to get a vibe for you and they're
like, oh, this guy is a unique person.
Yeah, and I was just like, well, I would do like my emotions and stuff like
that.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, everywhere.
You see it everywhere.
There's kids.
Some first word said they had a baby the other day.
Its first word was, what's up, brother?
And that was crazy.
Yeah.
And I think it was a woman or a trans boy.
Oh, my God.
And it was like, but beautiful, you know?
Beautiful babies.
Yeah.
And so, just to see that, there's people, yeah, I mean, there was like a guy,
his last words were, what's up, brother?
Oh, my gosh.
Which is...
That's brutal there.
Died from brain rot.
I call it like the zombie effect or whatever.
Yeah.
Just to be like, you find a group of people, they get infected.
That's just like, they start...
Oh, with the what's up, brother?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's where it's like, I don't know if it's a stitch in the flag or if I'm a
meme yet.
It's like, I got to stay alone for a little bit longer, otherwise I'm a meme.
Yeah, that's a good point, huh?
Yeah.
That's true.
Meme is kind of like the coffin you can go in, huh?
Yeah, that's where internet people go to die.
Wow.
I could be here soon.
I'm scheduling everything back to back, making sure we squeeze everything out
of this f