Name: Celeste Barber | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #499
Uploaded: 2024-05-02T19:14:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Celeste Barber | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #499' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Celeste Barber | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #499' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-02. Transcript available.

Celeste Barber | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #499

Today's episode was filmed when I was down in the Australia, and she's probably
one of the biggest comedians in Australia.
She's well known for her viral clips online.
She's hilarious. Her Netflix show, Well Mania, and she's currently touring the
U.S. right now.
Today's guest is Celeste Barber.
I can tell you my stories. Shine on me, and I will find a song I've been
singing.
Come on.
Eleven minutes ago, my Australia-New Zealand tour went on sale.
No way.
Just being a little bit obnoxious for 30 seconds.
You want to check the stats?
To make sure, no, that it has uploaded, because Instagram has become really
needy.
I don't know if you've noticed.
Yeah.
When you post, you've got to keep the app open for it to upload.
Yeah.
You can't just post and then walk away, Renee, and it does its thing.
It's like, it's needy, so.
Let's make sure that it's up.
I'm just going to sit there with a video of myself playing while I sit with you
and talk about myself.
It's kind of the world we're in.
It's like, you will see somebody editing a photo of themselves and writing in
their diary at the same time, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
It's really bizarre.
I always say that to people when they're about, like, press and stuff.
They're like, oh, you know, the press are running shit on me.
They're running shit on me.
And I'm like, I haven't seen it.
You're in a fucking vortex of yourself, right?
Yeah.
And I'm like, oh, no, it's everywhere.
And I'm like, turn Google alerts off on yourself.
Turn them off.
You don't need to get Google alerts about yourself every fucking 10 minutes.
You pull this in?
Do you care if we start or no?
No, I don't care at all.
Sorry.
I'm doing great.
I also have been in a hotel for four nights, which buckles my voice.
So I sound like a preppy person, teenager.
Why?
Do you think the air in there is bad or something?
The rooms are so expensive.
Maybe they put cheap air in the room.
Well, yeah.
And just, I need natural air.
But when, you know, hotels are fancy, they don't.
Well, some of them are so expensive, dude.
I've been in ones where it's like, it's so, you're like, I'm not even going to
sleep.
If I even blink my eyes, it's going to cost me 30 bucks.
Oh, absolutely.
I stayed, yeah.
I remember the first night I stayed in like a really fancy place.
I stayed up all night.
I was like, I'm not going to waste the money.
You're going to get paid to sleep.
They're going to charge you to go to sleep.
Well, I'm not.
Yeah.
I came here to fucking use this place, you know?
But also.
I even, I think I remember, I read one of the books or something.
In the hotel.
I started reading like a couple of checks.
Just to get your money, you know, it's like.
Your money's worth.
Yeah.
You want to get your money's worth.
I left the water going for a couple of hours, I remember.
Do you travel with anything specifically?
No, just usually a little bit of hairspray, I guess, but.
Yeah, just a bit.
Um, what else do I like to have in my room?
Water.
Oh, Powerade or Gatorade.
Butters, a couple of butterscotches.
What else do you like?
Well, when I travel, like in a hotel, I have to take my pillow.
I've got to take my pillow with me.
Yeah.
I've become that girl.
I've become that girl.
But even with water now, I love it.
In the hotel I was just in, had some, a couple of bottles of water and it said,
complimentary.
It's like, yeah, no shit.
It's fucking water.
Yeah.
But they're like, just pointing out this bit, complimentary.
Yeah.
It's $5,000 a fucking night to stay here.
The least you can do.
Give me some complimentary water.
Yeah, it's so true.
And sometimes it'll say like $13 water.
That was the thing.
They'll have like the complimentary ones, like the little ones.
That's like a thimble of fucking water.
And the little ones sometimes are even like warmer somehow.
It's like they, they want it to seem like maybe it's been already used once or
something.
Yeah.
You're not that special.
Someone else has run this around their mouth, spat it back in and now you can
have it for free.
Some Lord has been using this.
Seinfeld walked past this door.
Now you get to have free water.
And then they'll have the, the larger cool bottle next to it.
It'll say like still water or deceased water.
Deceased water.
And it's always in a sexy bottle.
It's like, well, I don't want that shitty water.
I want the sexy water.
Yeah.
And you have to remortgage your house to fucking pay for it.
Is this free water?
Yeah, yeah.
That's free.
Thank you.
That's free.
We'll come in with a nicer one on a tray in a little bit.
How much would that cost me?
Dude, you know what's interesting about Celeste Baba?
Sure.
Nice to see you.
Wow.
You drink kind of like a, uh.
Careful.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Beautiful, talented woman.
Thank you so much.
Also, happy International Women's Day.
Is it today?
What do you fucking mean?
Oh.
What do you mean?
I knew it was this year.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Once a year we get it.
We're allowed to be ladies once a year.
I'm so excited.
Yeah.
Are you celebrating?
Here.
This is it.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah.
Educating you.
This is international.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
And I'm excited to learn about women and Australian women.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because we've been here for a couple of weeks.
One thing that's interesting, you guys call it a toilet that I think is really.
What do you call it?
It's the bathroom, right?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Toilet is way more accurate, I was realizing.
Because, yeah, nobody like bathes in there.
You don't ever go in there.
No.
And there's somebody like, you know, like.
Yeah, right.
You mean like at a restaurant.
Singing in the rain.
Yeah.
Jim Kelly's just sitting in there singing.
Yeah, right.
You ever walk in there and there's an Indian guy just like, do you want some
bubble bath?
You know?
So, toilet is way more accurate.
I really appreciate that.
I appreciate the accuracy of things here.
Actually, that is.
Yeah, that's true.
When I'm in the States, I have been, you know, in a restaurant or whatever.
I'm like, hi, whereabouts is your toilet?
Or I say, have you guys got a toilet?
And they're like, yes.
Like, I'm like, where is it?
And they're like, oh, the restroom is over there.
I'm like, oh, right.
They're like, why are you being so specific?
But even restroom is, it's like, if you walked in there and somebody was
sleeping.
Yeah, rest, yeah.
Just Goldilocksing in there under the sinks or whatever, you would be so locked.
Just full of people with narcolepsy, just chilling out in there.
Like at the koala pot?
Yes.
Have you done the whole koala park thing?
We went there.
A lot of them look, I want to say kind of semi-Korean, I want to say a little
bit.
They're beautiful animals.
A lot of them are definitely unemployed, it looked like, if you go in the one
area where
they're all just sleeping in the fucking branches or whatever.
Yeah.
Did you touch one?
No, I didn't touch one.
Where did you see them?
Where did you go?
We went to the Brisbane Forest Hills, not a cemetery, what's it called?
No, it's a-
Sanctuary.
Sanctuary.
No, it's not a cemetery.
Yeah, sanctuary.
Yeah, right.
Way weird.
That'd be fucking weird.
It's just a Ouija board and they're like, we promised you're petting it.
Yeah, and koalas are now endangered species in Australia after the hideous bushfires
we had.
Yeah.
So when you said that, I was like, oh God, that's heartbreaking.
They're my favorite animal.
They're the fucking best.
Are you serious?
I know that's really cliched, but a few years ago I got to hold one and it was
just, it was
unbelievable.
Her name was Lucy and I fucking fell in love with her.
They're really heavy and really dense.
So they kind of cling, but then they turn like really good.
They can kind of turn, they've got, um, they're really horny.
Oh, they really?
Yeah.
When they're on heat, they were chasing after my husband.
Oh yeah, like the Irish.
Yeah.
And I'm like, bitch, back off.
Yeah, exactly like the Irish.
Oh, the Irish are the only humans that I feel like get in a heat and they just
can't handle
it, you know?
You'll see them rubbing up against a damn hydrant in the street.
Where have you been in Ireland?
Huh?
Where have you been?
Oh, Irish are everywhere.
Yeah, they'll pop up anywhere.
But on the internet, they have a lot of videos of Irish hydrant action or
whatever.
I have not seen a lot of that.
Now at the, at the park we went to, they had, they, there was an instance,
there's a lot
of kangaroos, right?
There's, and a lot of them are, I don't want to say opiates have hit the area
or whatever,
but there's a lot of them that are resting a lot, right?
Just lounging.
But that's what you want.
You don't want to be near them when they're not chilled.
They'll knock you the fuck out.
Like they're incredible.
So you want to be around the ones that are chilled in the restroom.
Okay.
Yeah.
And then there was one that got up.
I don't know if he wanted a midnight snack or what.
Yeah.
He was like waiting to meet the dealer.
It felt like, like he was, he was huge.
He had a watch on, which I thought was kind of crazy.
A couple of chains.
Yeah.
He had a whoop bracelet on, um, his tail had a, uh, it was like diamond encrusted.
Like he was like the final boss.
It felt like.
Just like called everyone bitch.
He was that guy.
I know that guy.
Yeah.
Oh, he called me a at one point.
I was like, we'll bleep that out, but he did.
Okay.
Um, I felt horrible.
I was like, Jesus, is this, what does he know about me that I don't know?
You know?
Yeah.
I don't have a wife, but come on guy.
Um, anyway.
Oh, being in Australia and nice to be in your country.
What other words are weird?
Restroom for you.
Restroom.
Uh, you guys, the, the audiences are more nonchalant here.
Yeah.
We kind of don't care.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's interesting.
Like you'll come out on stage and they, they maybe a couple people get up, you
know?
Yeah.
It's so different in America.
I've noticed that when I'm over there on stage, it's the first, I reckon five,
seven minutes.
I'm like, calm the fuck down, like sit down and then I can talk to you.
It's just, it's bananas.
But here in Australia, kind of walk out and everyone's like, all right, bitch,
prove it.
What do you got?
Oh, is that what they're thinking?
Yeah.
We have this thing, like a tall poppy syndrome in Australia where you get too
big, we'll come,
we'll cut you down.
We'll bring you back down to earth.
Oh, like that Petraeus, like who was that runner, that guy who shot, killed his
wife.
Was that here?
No, that is not us.
That is the story.
Yeah.
No.
He was fucking horrible.
That was horrible.
That whole thing.
No, he's not Australian.
He's South African.
Oh, yeah.
I fucking hope.
If he's not, don't run that because that's shit if I say that that guy's-
But he's South African?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They shot him a second.
He started getting fast.
I'm like, let him, you know?
You got to work for it here.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's fair.
Yeah, we don't-
Celebrity culture.
Where are we at?
Oscar Pastore is granted parole after serving 10 years for the murder of Riva
Steenkamp.
Wow.
10 years isn't fucking enough.
I agree.
Especially on International Women's Day.
Fucking hell.
South African-
Which is just one day, remember?
Just today.
Yeah.
And I vote, give them a couple days.
Yeah, right?
Even just like a day and a half.
Like, fuck off.
And they gave you, what is today, a Wednesday, Thursday?
It's Friday.
Oh, it is Friday.
Yeah.
But give the-
Hey, give these bitches a Saturday.
I know.
Imagine if you gave us a Sunday.
Oh.
No.
We need small steps, guys.
Small steps.
The peace.
Bring that back up.
South African Paralympian Oscar Pastore has been granted parole effective
January 5th,
2024 after serving 10 years for the 2013 murder of his girlfriend.
Riva Steenkamp.
Known as the Blade Runner for his carbon fiber prosthetic legs.
He went from a public hero to a convicted killer.
Wow.
That would be so crazy getting out of jail.
Fucking hell.
That guy needs to go back in, huh?
2013.
I didn't know that was a-
Yeah, he needs to absolutely go back in.
The