Name: Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #502
Uploaded: 2024-05-14T20:42:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #502' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #502' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-14. Transcript available.

Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #502

I have some new tour dates to tell you about. We've added a third show in
London on June 16th at the Eventim Apollo. Tickets go on sale Tuesday, May 14th
at 10 a.m. local time.
We also have shows in New York City on May 31. Belfast in the UK on June 6th.
That's an added show. June 7th is sold out. Idaho Falls. We've added a show on
June 27th. Salt Lake City, Utah on June 30th.
And Las Vegas, Nevada on July 5th and 6th at Resorts World Las Vegas. Get all
your tickets at Theovan.com slash T-O-U-R. And if tickets are too expensive,
just wait. We'll come back around. Make sure you buy them through our link and
not off of a secondary site. Thank you guys so much for your support.
Today's guest is a comedian. She's my friend. She's one of the roasters from
the recent Tom Brady roast on Netflix. She's one of the best roasters of all
time. She has a new special out on HBO called Someday You'll Die. Today's guest
is Nikki Glaser.
Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me. And I
will find a song I've been singing.
Almost.
Yeah, I'm going to get a sip of this coffee so I don't think I'm going to talk
about it to a woman.
It's different?
Yeah.
Really?
All good.
Yeah, dude, talking to a dang woman. Are you kidding me?
Really?
Yeah.
It's the biggest fear inside of a man, I think, is talking to a woman.
Some people, they...
Men will...
Yeah, men, they can't...
Yeah, people sometimes can't talk to a woman.
Yeah, I feel that way.
I have a nervousness around men that I think fell away when I started doing
comedy because
I just felt like, oh, I'm one of the boys now.
Men don't treat me differently.
They don't see me sexually, even though sometimes I do want to be seen that way.
But I don't think about it much anymore.
But yeah, I used to feel that way all the time.
But now I feel like I relate to men sometimes more than women and enjoy having
conversations
because I feel like I pull out a feminine energy from men that I like, that
they don't get
to express a lot.
I like when a guy I'm dating has women friends because he gets to release some
emotion that
doesn't have to come out on me.
I don't have to be the only place for that.
Because he doesn't feel safe doing it to me because it's not sexy.
He can do it with his girlfriends that there's no sexual vibe so he can get,
because women
are asking like, how are you?
And if it's a big lesbian friend too, you could cry on a lesbian.
Oh, you absolutely.
I mean, they.
I can't because it gets sexual.
Yeah.
But a man can cry on a lesbian like they get a little too comforting to me when
I cry.
There should be like a place like in nature or on I'm not going to say like
street corners
or whatever, but where there is a devout lesbian who is, you know, who is
totally has gone through
whatever the steps are to be a lesbian and is and is there to take the journey
off of a
man to to just shoulder some of the burden, you know, because a lot of men didn't
get
either one of their parents because one of their parents was gone because of
divorce and
then the other parent because of that had to work.
So a lesbian, a tough lesbian, too, not one of these little Las Vegas nightly
rental lesbians.
I'm talking about a real fucking oatmeal eating lesbian.
Do you ever feel, though, that lesbians like have no use for you because you're
a man?
Oh, yeah.
Like that they're just like, get the fuck out of here.
I don't need to deal with this shit.
Yeah.
We are.
We are the ugly women, the lesbians.
That's what a man is.
You're the ugly.
You just.
How does an ugly woman feel?
Because the lesbians are going after her either.
So that's an ugly woman is an ugly woman to everyone.
Oh, shit.
Fuck.
That's what that's why it's so important to stay like hot.
You feel like no one wants you.
Really?
You think that?
Yeah.
It's I think it's.
Yeah.
What is an ugly man acceptable to anyone?
I think there's certain like gay guys that are into.
No, I'm joking, dude.
Every these days, first of all, everybody looks pretty good these days.
Can we say that?
Well, if you have money, there's no reason you you better look good.
But like it's.
Right.
But even the government is like buying people teeth and phones, phone cards.
It's like I feel like everybody, everybody kind of almost looks the same now.
Yeah, I agree.
Everybody's about like an eight.
And then you have some people that are true or I don't know.
There's definitely some people that are tens, but everybody's kind of like an
eight or seven.
But the tens were like born tens and you can't like buy.
You can buy a nine.
Yeah.
You can't buy a ten.
Like when that's just like you see a model and they're just like an alien.
Like they.
Yeah.
They're very rare, though.
They're probably more rare than psychopaths or something.
You know, I mean, percentage wise.
Yeah, only God makes tens, huh?
Yeah, that's a good.
Yeah.
A doctor can't.
They try.
They can get like nine point two.
Yeah, they can get a good one.
But even it's hard to find a doctor that can do that kind of work.
Yeah.
No, it's Dr. God.
Dr. God, baby.
God luck.
Yeah.
But yeah, there's no like you can just that's the pressure, though, is like
sometimes when I
feel like, oh, you don't look as good as you could look like I always want to
reach
my potential, right?
Oh, now that's a good point.
Now, my potential with enough money is nine point two.
Like like I just said, enough like I can find a person to make me a nine point
two and I'm
not a nine point two.
But there there is surgery.
There's a right person out there that can transform my face and my body into
exactly like it's
hot.
That's as high as I could get.
And I'm not reaching it.
And so I just go, I'm failing in some way.
And my friends who don't have money go, I'm just the way I am because I can't
afford to
do that.
But I could maybe afford to do that.
So I feel like I need to do that.
You're going to risk it.
Yeah.
I mean, I do stuff already.
I get like injections and stuff here and there.
And I'm not like I don't do it a lot.
But every couple of years I get insecure enough that I'm like, let's just see
what we're going
to do.
And I like the risk of it.
It's like getting a tattoo.
It's like it can be bad.
A haircut like I can get it dissolved or I could turn it back around.
But it is when women have face work or men and it kind of gets fucked up.
I sometimes go, good for you.
You took a fucking chance.
That's a good point, huh?
Yeah.
You're a risk taker.
You are the ultimate.
Yeah.
You're somebody that reached in the draft.
You are Sean Payton of the Denver Broncos in in reconstructive surgery realm.
Yeah.
Yeah, because you definitely see, well, sometimes I'll kiss a woman and her lip
tastes like
a part of like it's like a, um, yeah, it tastes like something you would throw
to a
dog to catch kind of like it just like feels like a chew toy thing.
Yeah.
So it doesn't feel like you're kissing him anymore.
It just feels like you just want to feel filler for sure.
I don't have it in my lips, but I got it just like recently down here, which
for some
reason makes this go up.
Like it's all like, I don't even know how it works, but I don't like all the,
like
I got something here.
I've never gotten in before, but I can feel it.
Like I don't, whenever I'm like, you know, going like this, like, Hmm, I'm like,
Oh God.
Cause I don't feel weird pressing on it.
It's not a good feeling.
I get some like on the back of my legs, bottom of my butt, maybe just to make
me a little
taller.
Like when I'm in a seat or whatever.
I would, that is a way to get taller.
Sitting only.
Yeah.
You're sitting down a lot.
Nobody thinks about that.
Hey, of course you would.
Sitting tall.
You're like, yeah, I'm not that tall when I'm standing up, but when I'm sitting,
I'm
a little taller than you'd expect.
Are you good on your posture?
Like, are you working on that?
Fuck no, dude.
Yeah, I was working on it until I quit working on it.
I mean like when you're conscious of it, when I am, when I sit the way I'm
supposed to
with my shoulder blades down, my neck extended and my back, like, this is a
good look.
I know this is going to look better than what I really want to do, which is
this.
Yeah.
Armadillo.
But this feels like I'm going to meet some dude's going to try to meet me, I
feel like
all the time.
Yeah.
Is it a guy?
You're waiting for a grinder date.
Or you're waiting, yeah, you're hoping they pick you to go on the Mayflower or
something.
It has a very, yeah, if your posture is-
Alert, ready.
Yes.
Pick me.
Yeah.
Yeah, pick me.
That's what it feels like, pick me.
Yeah.
But for a girl, in a way, she can sit in a way that is just like, I have
confidence.
Like, there's a way to sit that's like exudes sexuality for sure.
Well, yeah, oh, definitely.
For a woman?
Yeah, to like, just, like, I don't even know how to contort my body in that way,
but I know
that when I am trying to look sexy, my back hurts afterwards.
Yeah.
Because I've been holding this arch back.
It's not healthy, like, it's not good, but some girls just walk around
naturally like
that.
Oh, yeah.
People from Toronto have the best posture.
I don't know if you've been there or not.
Have you been there?
Oh, yes.
And it kind of checks out in my memory, but I-
Oh, they're like-
Wait, why?
Maybe there's school desks?
Because that's what breaks us.
It could be like the, uh, I don't know how gravity is up there or something,
but it's
definitely, there's a, they are very, you know, they look very on purpose.
They look very on purpose.
Okay.
A lot of people like wander around like, oh, look at this fucking accident.
Yes.
Toronto.
Yeah, yeah, dude.
But it's not an intimidating on purpose.
Like, Toronto, they're like, is it, I always say it wrong, Toronto, not Toronto.
It's Toronto.
I think you can call it whatever you want to.
They're just happy you came to visit.
They really are.
Yeah.
And they should be.
It's a, it's a bitch getting there.
Well, and it's like, a lot of people didn't even think Canada was real for a
long time.
Like, we had to discover it like seven times before people were like, yes, okay,
we'll
admit it, that you're real.
Is that the history of that?
I don't really know how, yeah, I mean.
Oh, 100%, dude.
Canada, dude.
Yeah, a lot of people are like, I don't know, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll see about it.
That's what you see a lot of times.
Well, every time I go there, don't you feel like you're, they are like Air
Canada, you
fly there, they're mad at you when you're flying them.
I don't like the, I just don't like flying Air Canada.
And then when I get there, the customs feel so aggressive that I'm just like.
They don't like us.
Are you happy I'm here?
No, they're not.
Yeah.
They don't.
That's the real truth.
I think you're right.
I think you're right.
And then once you get in though, the people love you.
People are always like, why don't you come?
And I'm like, it's your, it's your border control.
It makes me feel like a criminal and makes me feel like, why are you here?
Well, we kind of have become that.
I mean, America is a criminal state obsessed with capitalism that has
sacrificed everything
that was good to make a couple bucks.
So I get why they're tapping us on the shoulder a little extra over there on
the way in.
I get it.
They don't want that energy.
They don't need that.
They don't want that seaman in their country.
They're not looking to be famous and cool.
Like they don't have that sad desire.
And sad is, you know, just a word I use for that.
But it's like.
Yeah.
We have some kind of desperation here.
It feels like.
Yeah.
Does that make any sense or no?
Totally.
I'm fighting it all the time because I'm a part of it and I feed into it and it
gets me.
But I also am so disgusted by it when I, I can't like go shopping because of
consumerism.
Really stresses me out.
And thinking about all of these, when I go shopping, I just like look at all
the racks
of clothes and I'm like, this is all going to be in a landfill.
This is all going to be in the ocean.
Like that it grosses 