Name: Matt McCusker | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #504
Uploaded: 2024-05-21T15:00:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt McCusker | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #504' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt McCusker | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #504' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-21. Transcript available.

Matt McCusker | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #504

I have some new tour dates to announce. I will be in Cork, Ireland on June 9th
at Live at the Marquee.
Tickets for this show go on sale Tuesday, May 21st at 2 p.m. local time.
We also have tickets remaining in New York, New York on May 31st.
Belfast, UK on June 6th. London, June 16th.
Idaho Falls, Salt Lake City, and Las Vegas, Nevada.
We will be down there on July 5th and 6th for the 4th of July weekend.
Get all your tickets at TheoVaughn.com slash T-O-U-R.
And thank you so much for your support.
Today's guest is a comedian. He's a podcaster.
He's the co-host of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.
He has a special that just premiered last year called The Speed of Light.
He's touring now everywhere.
I'm grateful to get to spend time with him.
Today's guest is Matt McCusker.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I'll be singing
Well, what have you been watching?
Have you been watching NBA Finals or War in Gaza?
More War in Gaza, honestly.
Yeah, I haven't caught a lot of the Finals.
Yeah, I'm being, you know, bombarded with the footage of the war.
Opinions about it.
Everyone, you know, people have a different take.
Yeah, people have, I guess, a lot of different takes over there.
I don't even know what inning it is in.
But...
I think it's in overtime.
I think they've been going for a while.
Yeah, it seems like it's kind of...
Yeah, you feel like they...
A referee would step in.
Yeah, you think.
And mitigate it.
Because it feels like it's like a 10-run rule genocide over there.
Yeah, that's the...
That's like the popular opinion.
That they're being totally genocided.
They throw out the kids and you're like,
Damn, that's terrible.
But then you get people going,
Hey, why can't Israel defend itself?
And you go,
Alright, that's a fair point, too.
Oh, yeah.
No, that's definitely a fair point.
Yeah, I have no idea, man.
I think it's awful.
And it's like,
I hear a lot of people talk about it with certainty.
And I'm like,
Yeah, sure.
Anytime I watch a video about pro-Palestine,
I'm like,
Okay, I see that.
And then we had RFK on our podcast yesterday.
And he was like,
Actually, Israel rules.
And we're like,
Okay, those are good points, too.
But it's very bad,
from what I understand.
The footage I see is really bad.
And, you know,
I just...
I hope they can figure it out.
But it looks like they're going to have to...
A lot more people are going to have to die.
And then they're going to maybe figure it out.
Because the U.S. could shut it down, couldn't they?
It seems like we could.
Yeah, it seems like we could jump in and shut it down.
You know?
But we fund Israel.
I just don't like that Netanyahu.
I don't trust that Netanyahu guy.
Yeah, he's a shady character.
That guy seems like a...
Just, yeah,
like a control pervert or something.
Yeah, he seems like,
for real, a bad guy.
He seems like a real deal bad guy.
Even if you just look at him like,
Oh, that's the bad guy.
If you asked a four-year-old, right,
like, who's the bad guy here?
They would immediately pick out that dude.
Also, whenever someone's been the president
for like 27 years,
that's usually the case where it's like,
Oh, all right.
The U.S. should go to war with both of them.
We should start bombing Israel and Palestine
until they both stop.
Um, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm spitballed.
I'm spitballed.
I think I've always thought
we should give Mississippi to Palestine.
That's not bad.
One of them's going to get Mississippi.
Loser gets Mississippi.
Or, you know what I'm saying?
Give Palestine a place here, you know?
That'd be cool.
I'd be down with that.
Because then at least the people
would have a place to be, you know,
where they could...
True.
Like, not be in competition, I guess,
with their neighbors
and live at peace, you know?
But yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know a ton about it.
I just feel, like, a certain way, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll watch Norman Finkelstein
and I'm like, holy shit, this guy...
And I'm like, he's Jewish.
So he's got the inside track.
And then I watch people talk about him,
like, he's a piece of shit.
And it's like, dude, it's a bad thing.
The student protests are crazy, too.
Then you have peace demonstrations
that fight each other over the issue.
And it's like, it's kind of LARPing.
Like, when the college kids start, like, moshing...
It's the new renaissance fair, kind of.
I mean, I hate, you know,
I don't mean, and I don't mean, like,
belittle like that.
But then it's like...
And then the craziest part was
at Ole Miss, they started yelling USA.
It's like...
Really?
Yeah.
Which side was yelling USA?
Oh, the frat boys.
The frat boys, yeah.
Came in and they were American.
They were just like,
don't bring any of this shit around here.
They're kind of playing risk in real life.
They were American and they came in like,
yeah, dude, fuck, don't touch the flag.
America rules.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think when people start taking down the flag,
I guess that makes total sense, too, you know?
Yeah, you know, you can fight about anything, really, you know?
Yeah.
But that's one thing.
To go to, like, a news story and just be like,
all right, I'm this team.
I'm going to fight these guys.
I think sometimes you think,
oh, maybe we're past war,
but maybe that's just a side effect of living in America
and not realizing that a lot of people still live in, like,
a lot of conflict, you know?
Yeah, no, it does.
It seems more and more ridiculous.
It seems like, like, back in the day,
it was normal, you know, at least back then,
like, slavery was a worldwide institution
that everyone was like,
yeah, this is just how it is.
And I wonder if war is going to become that
in, like, 50 years where it's like,
dude, you guys are going to war.
It's like, oh, that's shitty.
It's like, we didn't know.
Because it is, it's insane.
But it's like, if someone attacks you,
you have to attack them back
to stop them from attacking you.
So it's one of those things that's hard.
Yeah.
It's hard to stop.
It'd be nice, but it does seem more and more ridiculous,
especially when you have, like,
politicians who are like, we got to love everyone.
We need to, like, include marginalized.
And they're like, go bomb the fuck out of those guys.
You're like, all right, that's for sure.
That's a weird change of pace, but yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, you start to realize, like,
oh, this, it's all a bunch of bullshit, kind of.
Like, it's all, like, yeah,
I don't even know what I'm trying.
It's like.
No, it's absurd.
The war is becoming absurd now
because it's just kind of like.
Well, you can see why it's happening.
I feel like it used to be this mirage,
like we're fighting for the country and stuff.
And now it's like, well, now people are like,
what do you mean?
You don't even care about our country.
Like, our government's just letting millions of people in.
Eric Adams just said that they should let illegal immigrants.
This is the fucking most insane thing I've ever heard.
Okay.
He said they should let illegal immigrants be lifeguards at pools,
which is a job that is apparently in high demand
because we don't have enough people doing the job.
That's, I mean, dude, I had a community pool in Philly
that would get shut down because there were no lifeguards
and used to drive me crazy.
Oh.
So it's a real thing.
There are, there is, weirdly, there's a lack of lifeguards
in like, at least in Philadelphia, there were,
it was hard, they're hard to come across.
I mean, it's pretty funny.
But he said because they're excellent swimmers.
That states, those jobs that we are in high demand,
we could expedite.
How do we have a large body of people that are in our city
and country that are excellent swimmers,
and at the same time, we need lifeguards?
And the only obstacle is that we don't give them the right to work
to become a legal.
That, uh, so you're saying illegal aliens are great swimmers?
That's kind of like a setup for a pretty easy, uh, joke
about, you know, Mexican dudes.
Well, Mexican, not Mexican, they didn't, like, there's not even,
it's all desert.
I mean, I could see maybe Cubans.
I could see, uh, Puerto Ricans, maybe, Nova Scotians,
or somebody that would have to swim here, but.
Well, that's the joke.
Isn't that the joke, though?
Mexican dudes, they say they swam here across some river,
but, I mean, I, I would say.
I don't know, did they?
I think so, but.
What river could it be?
I could be wrong.
I could be, I could be.
Oh, the Rio Grande?
Yeah.
I think that's, like, the final, like, in the Oregon Trail,
when you have to do that final river.
Hmm.
Yeah, I think that's the final thing they gotta do is, well,
that's not, that's, like, knee deep, but.
Oh, wow, yeah, maybe that is the final thing.
There's some of them congratulating their friends.
Yeah, they gotta, they gotta put out, like, an inner-city Baywatch
as, like, lifeguard propaganda to get people stoked on lifeguarding again.
Dude, yeah, why don't we have a Mexican Baywatch,
big, breasty lifeguards at the border.
That's what I'm saying.
That was when lifeguarding was cool.
Now, like, nobody wants to be a lifeguard,
because it's kind of, like, you know, it's not as cool as it was.
Yeah.
Pam Anderson, they could have, yeah,
and just, like, a bunch of Band-Aids floating in the pool.
It'd be tight.
It'd be really cool.
Dude, I would go, I'd go run across a border every day
and just, like, start drowning, get some CPR.
True, dude, they gotta, they gotta fire something up,
because it does suck when you want to go to a pool in your neighborhood,
and they're, like, oh, we're closed, and you're, like, why?
Like, we don't have lifeguards, and you're, like, dude, are you fucking serious?
But how do you not have a lifeguard?
Usually they would let a 15-year-old or 16-year-old kid
who was taller than some of the other kids,
and he took a CPR class, right, or learned it online,
they would let him be the lifeguard.
How was that?
When did that stop?
I don't know.
I think it still is kids.
I think they just don't want to work, I guess.
I don't know what it is, because it's easy.
It's a cake job, dude.
You're just sitting there on the high chair.
Did you live a lifeguard?
No, I've just, I've watched them.
I've been watching them for a long time,
but it's, like, it seems easy.
You just chose, in a pool, it's easy.
The ocean is real.
Yeah.
A pool, it's, like, dude, just keep an eye out.
Make sure nobody drowns.
Oh, yeah, pool.
That guy wasn't watching kids.
A lot of times it seemed like he was just trying to smash, like, any chicks or
moms or whatever.
Like, there'd be four drowning kids, and he'd be over there fucking just doing
chest compressions on a divorcee, you know?
That's the perks of the job.
That's crazy.
Kids don't want to do that.
It's probably, like, 15 bucks an hour, hooking up with moms.
Sunshine, and it's the best your body is probably the healthiest you're going
to be.
Yeah.
You still have, um, exosome.
You still have, like, um, cord blood in your system or whatever.
Yeah, man.
You got the, yeah, like, the platelets and all that stuff.
Yeah, and you can also do that thing where everyone has to, like, public pools
that you'll have, everyone has to get out for some reason.
They'll be, like, out on, like, every hour, like, everyone out of the pool.
Yeah, for no reason.
And everyone gets back in.
So, you could, like, start letting a couple of ladies, like, you guys stay, you
guys out.
Yeah, like a water bouncer kind of.
Yeah, yeah.
Hot chicks in first, you know?
Yeah, dude.
At that age, you were so prime.
You could just point at your dick, and it would ejaculate, you know?
Yeah, man.
When you were, like, 15.
Yeah, you're doing, like, they're, like, at least the ones on the beach, they
do, like, insane conditioning, too.
Yeah.
So, yeah, man, they could, you could be, you're jacked, you're ripped.
I think kids just aren't jacked that, they're not as jacked anymore, so they're
probably ashamed of their bodies.
Yeah.
They're pale and kind of, like, you know, not as