Name: Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #515
Uploaded: 2024-07-10T04:02:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #515' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #515' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-10. Transcript available.

Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #515

These are exciting, brand new tour dates.
During the LSU-USC game, I will be playing that weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada.
That's August 30th and 31st, back at Resorts World Las Vegas.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, September 25th at the Paycom Center.
North Little Rock, Arkansas, September 26th at Simmons Bank Arena.
Springfield, Missouri, September 27th at the Great Southern Bank Arena.
Kansas City, Missouri, September 28th.
Sioux Falls, South Dakota on October 10th.
La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 11th.
Green Bay, Wisconsin, October 12th.
And Moline, Illinois, October 13th.
Get your tickets early starting Wednesday, July 10th at 10 a.m.
local time with pre-sale code RATKING.
General Lawn Sale starts Thursday, July 11th at 10 a.m.
local time.
We also have tickets still for Bethel, New York, Wallingford, Connecticut,
Portland, and Bangor,
Maine, as well as other places.
Get all your tickets at TheoVaughn.com slash T-O-U-R.
And thank you to everyone who's come out to support the show.
It just keeps getting better.
Thank you.
We got new merch, guys.
We have new colorways for the Be Good to Yourself t-shirts.
We have blue jean, granite, bay, and banana.
Check all that and more at TheoVaughnStore.com, the only place we sell merch.
Today's guest is a comedian, an actor, an entertainer.
You know him from Reno 911, from Grandma's Boy.
He has a new special, Make Joke From Face, premiering on YouTube on July 18th.
And he has a new tour going on.
I'm grateful to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Nick Swardson.
Little Nicky, remember him?
Yeah, of course.
Who thought that was an idea?
Well, the crazy thing was, I remember-
God bless Adam.
Oh, no.
I think it was-
It was-
Beelzebub?
It was interesting, but I remember that year, we had a lot of mentally impaired
or mentals
or whatever they call them, or nugget lovers.
Tarnation, yeah.
Yeah, people will say all different things.
Yeah, a lot of times, it's just like, yeah, if you eat all nuggets all day, you
know what
I'm saying, and you are in a small classroom, then it's-
You are, you know-
Yeah, it's like a commercial for fentanyl.
Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah.
So-
It's basically-
Well, they had a couple of issues in our area where they, like, had sprayed for
bugs
too many times.
And so, in the forecoming decades, you had a lot of little Nickys running
around.
But at Halloween, after that film had come out, everybody was little Nicky.
Yeah.
I love little Nicky, by the way.
It's, like, such a great movie, but it's like, yeah, there were a lot of, like,
copycats
where people, you couldn't tell if they were challenged or they were from the
devil.
Yeah, yeah.
And you grew up in Norland.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know.
Geek.
So, like, everybody, like, on Bourbon Street might be a little Nicky.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of little-
A lot of little Dickys.
Yeah, a lot of little Nickys.
Whoa.
Suck off.
One of my favorite moments, I was going to tell you this.
I don't know if I ever did.
Here, move this over here a little.
Just know this way.
Like, push it out.
Hold on.
Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
Me.
Hop.
So, back in New Orleans, the first time I was there, I was, like, 19 years old.
You were?
Yeah.
What is this?
Huh?
What's this, fucking Avatar?
Well, we have a-
What kind of production is this?
I don't know.
It likes you, though.
I noticed that.
Okay.
Well, I'm into Black Dick now.
Well, it's okay.
It's also a-
Black Dick.
Me off.
I wonder if there is, yeah, like, Black Dick is, is it a seasonal thing?
I don't know any.
I haven't ever gotten-
We don't know yet.
Yeah.
But it is a valid question, because it's like, Black Dick season, what would it
be?
Christmas?
No.
Halloween?
Possibly.
Might-
Yeah.
Maybe Easter.
Ooh, Easter.
Springtime.
Or Black History Month.
Hmm.
I mean, I think that'd be upper pat.
Yeah, maybe.
We should suck them all off.
I'm not doing it.
I'll support anybody.
I will pat somebody on the back while they do it.
I'll do it.
Is that?
Yeah.
Is that appropriate if you-
Yeah, like, how-
Yeah, like, how do you be supportive of your gay friends?
I guess sometimes, like, you don't pat somebody on the back if they're BJ-ing
somebody, do you?
That's not-
That's being weird, right?
That's not being supportive, I guess.
I think that's being supportive.
I think you're wrong on that.
Okay.
I think you're like, okay, you know what?
You go, Gary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You get it, Gary.
Praise him.
Get it, Gary.
Carrot Top.
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, buddy.
Yeah.
Fucking-
Boo, boo, boo.
You play a little kazoo-
Jizzle, jizzle, jizzle, jizzle.
Yeah, you play the fucking jizzflip.
Jizzle bells.
Why are-
That's why I said Christmas.
I think we're there now.
Jizzle bells.
Deck the balls with balls of cocky.
So nice.
Oh, Nick Schwartzen.
Yeah, I'm back.
Good to see you, dude.
He's my fucking dude.
Love you very much.
Love you too, man.
Missed you.
My New Orleans story, really quick.
When I was first there, and this, like, as somebody that drinks,
the drunkest I've ever been, New Orleans, and I call it LeBarf,
where I walked down Bourbon Street, and I threw up into my hands.
No reason why I did that.
Hands like this?
Yep.
Praise.
And I vomited, and then threw it in the air.
Ooh.
And I've never done that before, since.
But, like, 19, 20 years old, I was like, yeah, this sounds like-
And, like, when LeBron, like, throws powder, and, like, you know, before the
game.
But I threw barf, and I was like-
And I call it the LeBarf.
I don't recommend it, but-
All right, no.
You know, you've been down there.
Who dat?
Oh, I've seen it, bro.
Who dat?
Well, a lot of times, if you-
Yeah, and you can even-
There's a couple brothers down there.
You give him a couple dollars, he'll backflip right through the vomit or
whatever.
There's a lot of, like, there's backflipping brothers will roll up on you there.
Like, hey, hey.
A backflip vomit?
Give me three dollars, I'll fucking backflip through a-
Yeah, what up, motherfucker.
Yeah, through a vomit or a stream or through some asbestos or something.
Yeah.
They got those hard hitters down there.
Yeah, game on.
Asbestos fucking shots?
Yeah.
Good God.
Asbestos bombs.
Sha, sha, sha, sha.
Just don't do it.
They're just playing that?
Don't do it.
At, like, Chinese construction sites?
Yeah, of course.
Sha, sha, sha, sha, sha, sha, sha.
Yeah, and then everyone's dead.
Everybody.
Everybody suck me up.
Suck me.
Suck me off.
The thing I wanted to tell you, I'm really bummed out about it.
Just let me just vent, please.
Okay.
I thought of a movie, and it was already made.
Oh, yeah.
And it was a movie for us, and I thought it was, like, in the vein of Chardonnado
or whatever the fuck.
Chardonnado?
Yeah.
That's not that wives thing where, like, it's a big glass of wine chasing them
or whatever?
I mean, it could be, but I thought of a movie called Llamageddon, and it was
you and me, Armageddon with llamas, and it's already been made, and I was
really bummed out, because I tried to find the spelling today, and they were
like, yeah, that movie's been made.
And I'm like, me and Theo, Llamageddon, kill Spade off immediately.
David Spade done early.
First Spade fucking bonk.
It's easy to, you also need to just sit him on a chair that is a centimeter
uneven, and his spine is done.
A centimeter uneven.
A couple phone books.
He brings his own chair.
Yeah, he does.
People don't know that, by the way.
David Spade, God bless him.
Well.
Rest in peace.
Yeah.
Yeah, that part, yeah.
Yeah, he passed.
But he has a bad spine.
IOC, dude, that dude will bring his own fucking chair anywhere.
And the problem, here's what it is.
The chair doesn't match the other chairs.
That's the problem.
It doesn't match at all.
He has like a metal folding chair.
It's like a cafeteria chair from the war or something.
It looks like the roaring 20s or like something like, yeah, we don't, yeah, it
looks horrifying.
But it suits his back.
There he is, right there, look at him with his own chair.
Oh, my God.
Go to my chair.
What a gypsy.
Oh, my God.
Go to my chair in that shot.
Just show me.
Look at my chair.
That is Joe Dirk.
Regular chair and he brings his fucking homemade chair, dude.
It's something he made at like church camp or something, he said.
Yeah, I think it was like in like a petting zoo or something.
What are you going to do?
The guy's a petting zoo.
The guy's a BLM activist, you know?
Yeah, we praise him.
Oh, we praise him.
Good to see you, dude.
That was the drunkest you'd ever been there in New Orleans?
That was the drunkest where I was like, I mean, I've never vomited into my
hands and threw it in the air.
Yeah.
I don't even know what I was accomplishing there.
Like, what am I celebrating?
Not dying?
I think it's, yeah.
Or in New Orleans.
Like, you know, Nolens.
Yeah.
New Orleans.
Oh, they get pissed.
Yeah, Nolens, bro.
And they say, Nolens, baby.
And then somebody's like, oh, we from Nolens, eh.
And then somebody's like.
Yeah, they get like hardcore about it.
We from Nola, brah.
And then you just have somebody just be like, ma, na, da, da.
And they'll just give you an oyster and then shoot you in the head.
And that's like.
And then they fucking fire hose your vomit.
And they're like, all right.
Let me ruin a baby.
Here we get.
Eat my swamp pussy lips.
The crazy thing about New Orleans is like, if you, if something bad happens to
you during a, during like Mardi Gras or in a parade or if you have a stroke or
have a child or something.
You are both, whatever you're doing, a child that has a stroke, whatever,
whatever, you're going through it yourself.
An ambulance cannot get to you.
So you are fucking, you are fucking dead.
You are either dead or somebody's alive.
It's like, it depends on if you're having the stroke or the child, but yeah, it's
just like people, they'll start digging a grave.
They're like, we can't even, the ambulance is like 40 blocks away.
Yeah.
They're like, yeah, you're gone.
Say goodbye to your aunt.
Well, I went on down.
Your aunt Betty.
That's just like, I've got two aborts hurricane.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
And they keep like, they're like, damn, the water doesn't work here.
No shit.
First of all, you were eight feet below sea level.
The water was never supposed to work.
It was never supposed to work.
I remember one of my favorite times I was at like fucking jazz fast or some
nonsense, which is awesome.
Yeah.
Jazz fest is awesome.
But there was a police horse.
I don't know if I ever told you this.
There was a police horse and the, the horse had diarrhea on the wall of a hotel.
It's like right off Bourbon street.
Oh yeah.
Diarrheed on the wall.
So I thought, this was a long time ago.
I thought it'd be appropriate to pull my pants down and pretend like I diarrheaed.
So I pulled in front of the cop.
Oh yeah.
Shit tricks.
Yeah.
Shit tricks.
You fucking know, man.
So I pulled down a shit trick.
And the cop, I remember my friend at a Polaroid, that's how back, far back it
was, took a shot of me diarying on the horse wall.
And the cop just looked at me and he just went, no, no.
And I'm like, yeah, but it's funny.
Right.
And he's like, yeah, I get it.
Just fucking move along, man.
It was just like patient zero.
He's just like, no, I'm not.
Move along.
I'm not entertaining this.
I'm not.
And he didn't arrest me.
Thank fucking God.
But it was just like, yeah, that's not your diarrhea.
Yeah.
That's a horse.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're copying his diary.
Yeah.
That's copywritten basically as well.
I think if you just.
It's shoddy written.
Yeah.
Beep.
Beep.
The craziest thing is that's New Orleans.
You'll be eating in a fine dining restaurant and then a horse just bowel blasts
fucking one
of the panes of window glass out because everybody right outside of the
restaurant is just drinking
hand grenades, drinking each other's blood.
Yeah.
They're having caviar.
And then all of a sudden fucking splatty are comes out the fucking window.
Chelsea's on a vacation.
Everyone's fucked.
Oh, man.
Praise him.
You're a top.
Can you praise him, the baby God?
And he's with us.
What was I going to fucking say to you?
