Name: Lobster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #527
Uploaded: 2024-08-27T15:22:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lobster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #527' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lobster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #527' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-27. Transcript available.

Lobster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #527

I have some new tour dates to tell you about. These are new. I'm going to let
you know Colorado Springs in the Colorado, October 23rd, Casper, Wyoming,
October 24th, Billings, Montana, October 25th, and Missoula, Montana on October
26th.
Looking forward to getting into that beautiful part of America. Also, we have
shows this weekend, Las Vegas, August 30th and 31st, then Bend, Oregon, Spokane,
Portland, Vancouver, Oklahoma City, Northern Little Rock, Springfield, Kansas
City, Sioux Falls, La Crosse, Green Bay, Moline, Lafayette, and Beaumont, Texas.
Get all your tickets at Theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. And thank you so much for
supporting live comedy. And make sure you go through that link. Otherwise, you'll
end up on a secondary site. And those aren't the prices that we are charging.
Gang.
I hope everybody's well today. I was touching my legs earlier. I never touch. I,
I know, you know, I realized as I get older, I never touch my legs. I just, you
know, I'll touch the top of them a little bit. Rarely do I just, I put my hands
just along my entire leg on each one.
And it just, I enjoyed it. I, um, I enjoyed it. So, um, good to be here. And,
uh, hope you're having a good day. I, what's going on? Um, we just did a run of
shows up through, um, uh, Connecticut and, uh, Maine, and then out to Moncton.
Which is in New Brunswick, which, um, nobody, but most people didn't know
existed, to be honest with you. Nothing against them. People just, nobody,
nobody knew. And, uh, and then we went out there to Halifax and just beautiful,
beautiful in the summertime, that whole stretch. And, you know, and I, and
people like law, they like lobster out there. I noticed that.
People like lobster. And at first, you know, you get like, it's interesting
because as you go along that coast up there, it gets, you know, how people
communicate about lobster gets, it changes.
I noticed that. I noticed that for sure. Um, like you're, if you're in Providence,
Rhode Island, a guy will run up with a gun and be like, Hey, you want some
fucking lobster?
You know, you know, but as you get fur, if you, if you, you know, it's, it gets
less aggressive and just more like into the word as you get up towards Maine,
you know, they're like lobster.
You want some lobster. You want some lobster? And then, uh, bang, and about to
bang or main, like you want some lobs, they just keep saying like everybody,
like, I don't care if you say it or not, but everybody you talk to wants to
talk about lobs, and then you get further out to New Brunswick and Halifax.
And they're just like, yeah, I want some lobs. And it just, I, I, I, I'm amazed
how just, I just, I guess I'm amazed how much people, um, love lobster and that
it just said it, people get it.
It's involved in every, you know, conversation as you go up that stretch of the
country and of the, uh, nation and of the world.
And we'll put some of it up on a map so you can see where I'm talking about,
but everybody, it just like, you want some lobs.
No matter who you're talking to, they're like, yeah, we're going to, um, have
some lobs there.
You know, Tiffany's having a baby. And so somebody's cutting up a lobs over
there. So just fascinating to witness that.
And just, we were really on the, up on that lobster trail up there. Um, but
beautiful to see in the, God, it's just like, um, nature is just showing her cooter
up there.
It is that whole area is just like, God dang, mother nature got some new tits.
You feel me? It's just like that, that kind of vibe up there.
So, um, that was beautiful. We got to do that. What else? Um, went to a farmer's
market, uh, yesterday.
I don't know if you've been to one of those recently. Um, there's, we get there,
there's a guy like selling a mitten, you know, he had one mitten or whatever.
And he's, he's trying to, he was saying like, well, if you have, once the one
hand is warm, then you put it on the other hand.
And I'm like, I just, if I'm doing mittens, dude, I'm doing both mittens, you
know, I'm not trying to be like a creep or whatever, but I just, I want to, I
want to do both mittens.
I don't want to, you know, I don't want to be some guy who's just swapping,
putting a, you know, changing his mitten onto a different hand each day or each
40 minutes or whatever.
So that was like a concept that guy had this guy, like one mitten Andy or
whatever his name was.
He had like a little booth and that, um, they just have the weirdest shit, you
know, they had a guy selling secondhand tomatoes.
Uh, and I'm like, dude, I, you know, I don't want, I just want to make, I just,
I want the, I want my own tomatoes.
You know, I want tomatoes that have no mileage on them.
When I get that bitch, I don't want a bunch of old fingerprints on it or like,
you know, I don't want, um, the tomato.
I want to, I don't want to look at the tomato and it remembers its old family
or whatever.
I just want the tomato for the first time, you know?
And I feel like at farmer's markets, that's the stuff you get, you know, you
get like a lot of, like, you just get like a lot of crazy stuff at farmer's
markets.
You know, you'll get, um, they had to do with like a bunch of lamb eggs or
whatever.
Like he, he, he had like 11 lamb eggs.
And I'm like, how do you even egg a lamb?
How do you even get a egg out of a lamb?
You'll see some dude who had like the freshest milk or whatever.
It's like fresh milk is so, so fucking fresh, you know?
And there's like, like the most naturist dude is like, just has milk just
pouring down his fucking chest.
And, um, and it's just like thick milk and, uh, and if you put your ear up to
the little jug of milk, jar of milk or whatever, um, you can hear the cow with,
you know, it's that fresh.
You can hear like the, um, cow just being like, this is my milk or whatever.
Just real super fresh stuff over there.
They had, everything's like farm to table and like, they had farm to table
tables.
They had actual tables.
And I was like, damn, that's, that is, that's, that is, that's farm to table,
you know?
Um, and then there's like little tents where like, there's like bitches selling
whispers and shit and you're like, what?
And yeah, for like $3, some, some bitch will whisper to you.
Uh, and so that was crazy.
They had everything there.
They had like, um, they had like paleolithic eye drops or, uh, some dude in it
with a baby Bjorn with like a dachshund in it or something.
And he's just giving them just fresh milk, boy.
And he just, just bottle feeding a fucking dachshund, some dude.
And, um, yeah.
And they have like real farmers and stuff.
And then they have just like, like lesbians that get up early or something that
are saying that they're farmers or whatever.
It was, um, I don't know.
It was just, it was a farmer's market, man.
You've been there.
They got carrots.
They got fucking, um, you know, you can get your, you can get your,
your name carved in a carrot or something, you know, uh, Scotty was here or
something 1997 or something, you know, just shit like that.
They'll do that kind of shit.
Like carrot carvings.
Uh, you know, there's people, they'll fucking, there's some girl with big lips
and she'll just suck earwax right out of your skull for fucking nine bucks,
that kind of stuff, man.
Um, so that was that, that was, uh, yeah, that was, I guess, kind of some of
what's been happening.
A lot of touring.
Thank you to everybody that's come out recently.
Um, I'm a little tired today.
I'm going to like a wellness, uh, retreat for a few days.
So I'm looking forward to that.
Um, what else?
Um, well, there's more.
We'll talk about it, man.
We'll talk about it in just a second.
Um, I want us to get into the episode.
Um, so yeah, I feel a little all over the place, but that's okay.
You know, that's sometimes how we feel.
And, um, yeah, I just, I wanted to, uh, yeah, to just spend time today, baby.
Praise God.
Let's get into it.
Gang, baby.
This is There is a Light.
Whenever you're down, out in the cold, faithless and dark, your story's untold.
Come take my hand and walk there with me.
I know a place where we can be free.
There is a light shining for you.
Guiding your way.
Helping you through.
Shadows and gloom are all that you see.
We'll find a place where we can be free.
Gang, baby.
That is There is a Light by the Stone Keepers featuring David Manuel.
And if you like that music, uh, or that style of music, then you like it.
And that's okay.
Um, what's going on?
Um, been a, yeah, I've been a, quite a time.
I went to, uh, professional bull riding the other night.
And I've been involved in some pretty, you know, some naughty stuff, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
I've done some things with some ladies that you definitely, you know, you'd
cover the kids' eyes type of behavior.
But I've never seen any of the, uh, this, uh, I don't want to call it romance
or whatever that's going on.
But they just, because they get these young fellas, a lot of them, and they put
them on these animals' backs.
And I don't know if the, if the bulls are male or female.
That's the part that, you know, because I'd ride a, you know, I've been on some
thick things, baby.
But, you know, and that's, hell, that's, you know, if you don't, if you can't
afford heat, baby, that's what you got to do, baby.
You know, a thick girl, baby, that's just that wiener mitten, baby.
If it's winter, you know, that, it is what it is, baby.
That's love.
That's the dang Lord's frickin' love, baby.
Um, but, uh, what was I saying?
Oh, yeah, but I don't, so, yeah, I don't know if there's any, I guess there's
no eroticism in it.
But I'm sure for some of the fans, there is.
Um, but watching that was fascinating.
My buddy, Matt West, he's been on this podcast before.
Um, him and Jess Lockwood came on.
And, uh, he invited me over there to PBR to watch the, uh, watch the games go
on.
And it was fascinating, man.
It's great.
If you get to go do that or rodeo, you know, I talk about that a lot.
I love those events.
Um, and I'm surprised that there's not more gay men watching rodeo, I think,
you know, especially for the times when it's a male rider on a male, um, animal.
Because you can't see that kind of, you know, you got to pay a lot of money to
watch some illegal shit, you know, some illegal streams probably to see some of
the stuff that's, you can almost witness or imagine when you see some of these,
uh, fellas, you know, just, I mean, just riding these animals.
Oh my God.
And it's, yeah, it's like, I don't know, some of it, some of it's a lot, but,
um, yeah, what else, dude?
Uh, we went to interview Donald Trump and that was crazy, bro.
I'm like, yeah, I couldn't even believe that we got to do it, you know, uh, and
I'd had a long week.
It was a long week.
Everybody has a long week, blah, blah, blah, but I'd had a long week.
And then I get, we go up there and now there's like a lot of secret service
getting into, it was at Bedminster golf course.
So there's a lot of secret service getting in there.
So you got to stop here and this guy kind of touches your pockets or whatever.
And this guy, you know, somebody's reading your ribs or whatever.
They got a mystic out there reading your ribs.
They got to, um, you know, people patting you down, people patting you up.
One dude's patting you up.
I'm like, oh, this guy's, you know, obviously doesn't have a wife.
Um, and so, yeah, you stop, there's a couple of locations you got to stop and
get frisked and padded and wanded and wizarded.
And, um, yeah, they just ask you craziest questions, you know, like, they'll be
like, uh, what's your middle name?
You know?
And then they'll be like, oh, does your mother fuck a lot?
And you're like, what?
All right.
You know, they, but they're trying to, you know, see where you're at and see if
you know anybody from Russia or whatever.
And then, so I get there, uh, and I had like 40 minutes from when I got there
to when it was time to do the interview.
So only had a limited amount of time and I had to, you know, I had my clothes
with me.
I had my