Name: Miranda Lambert | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #537
Uploaded: 2024-10-10T14:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Miranda Lambert | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #537' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Miranda Lambert | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #537' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-10. Transcript available.

Miranda Lambert | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #537

I have some new tour dates to tell you about this week. I'll be in Sioux Falls,
South Dakota, La Crosse, Wisconsin, Green Bay, Wisconsin, and Moline, Illinois,
Colorado Springs, Casper, Wyoming, Billings, Montana, Missoula, Montana, Bloomington,
Indiana, Columbus, Ohio, Champaign, Grand Rapids, Lafayette, Louisiana, and Beaumont,
Texas.
All tickets through Theovon.com slash T-O-U-R, and thank you for your support.
Today's guest is a Grammy Award-winning country musician.
She has a new album called Postcards from Texas, and you know her songs, The
House That Built Me, Drunk, January Heart, The List Goes On, Red Wagon.
I'm really grateful today to get to spend time with one of the queens of the
country music industry, Miss Miranda Lambert.
Nice to see you today, Miranda Lambert.
Hello.
It's an honor.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah.
It's a cozy little place.
It's a pleasure.
Yeah, yeah.
We try to keep it cozy.
It's nice.
Kind of get to, you know, just catch up with folks and see what's going on.
I've met your husband a couple times.
Yeah, he said that.
Y'all randomly on like two or three planes together.
Yeah.
We're like kind of, I guess, air buddies or whatever.
I don't know if there's a term for it or whatever.
I love that.
Yeah.
He said to tell you how.
Oh, I appreciate it.
He's golfing.
Is he?
Priorities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, he's just dang handsome too.
That's a thing.
I see that guy and I'm like, God, I got to get some conditioner or whatever.
He is.
He's a pretty one.
God, he is.
He's like a, and he used to be a cop, right?
Yep.
He's a retired NYPD officer.
And did you, you guys ever play cops and robbers or anything like that?
No, but last year or two years ago for Halloween, I got, I wore his uniform and
I made him be
a donut and it was awesome because he's super fit and doesn't even eat donuts.
And I was like, I'm going to be a cop and you're going to be a donut.
And he was like, that's just cliche.
That's stupid.
I was like, no, it's awesome.
That's a great idea.
He was pouting the whole time.
He was like, I don't want to be a donut.
Dude, everybody wants to be a donut, bro.
I couldn't even imagine not wanting to be a donut.
Yeah.
I think everybody's always just wanted to sit in a box with 11 of their buddies,
you know?
Well, it's funny because that whole like cliche or whatever, but I was like, oh
yeah.
And I was worried I wouldn't fit in his uniform, but I did.
Oh yeah.
I was like, I can't fit in this uniform.
We have bigger issues.
Like it's going to be a problem.
Yeah.
It was fun.
My dad, my whole family is first responders and so is his family.
So we had that in common right away.
Oh, sweet.
Yep.
Yeah.
Did you guys ever, has he ever like tased you or anything like that?
Or is that a crazy thing?
No, no.
And he has handcuffs and I'm like, that would be the one time that the key was
gone.
It's like, we're not ever doing that.
Never.
It's not going to happen.
Yeah.
We got tased one time.
Oh, if you're ever in Shreveport or whatever, and you're, I guess, have some
free time or
whatever, they will, they'll tase you there.
The officers there.
For fun?
Yeah.
For, yeah.
For, there's not a lot to do there, I guess.
And, but yeah, they'll do it.
I grew up like, right, like an hour from Shreveport.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
I used to play over there in little bars and casinos coming up.
I actually had my 21st birthday in Shreveport.
No.
That's pretty red.
Where did you, where'd you guys go?
To a casino?
Yeah.
We were at Sam's town, I think.
My grandma was a VIP there because she spends a lot of money on the slots.
So she got the limo and all that.
And I went with my grandma and her friends for my 21st birthday.
And her friends?
Her friends.
They're wild though.
Yeah.
They were wild.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of these seniors now, you can't, well, you see them in the pools and
everything and
they have those weights and they're just doing it all.
Every time I see seniors, they're just getting crazier and crazier.
Do they have a senior citizen dating website, I wonder?
I don't know.
But my granddad would just give her allowance, like say out of my hair money.
And so she would just go blow it at the casino.
It was the best.
Was she one of those grandmas that at the end of the year, they buy all the
Christmas gifts?
Oh, yeah.
And they all say Sam's town or whatever on the back?
And she would always buy and then wrap them and forget that she did it.
You know what I mean?
And she would be like, we'd open the presents.
She'd be like, I don't know when I bought that.
No matter what it is.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Yeah, they used to tase us over there, man.
That's real weird.
Yeah, it was kind of crazy.
But I think you can get a taser now.
You can even get one on Teemu that also beats eggs and stuff.
They just have everything now, you know?
I don't think I want to be tased.
I'll say this honestly.
It was way easier than I thought.
Well, I'm glad you took one for the team.
I'm glad that's over with.
Settled.
So your 21st birthday, you guys went over there.
Was that like the biggest city close to you guys?
We're right between Dallas and Treeport.
So I-20, my little hometown, Lindale, Texas, is like the halfway point where
you stop for gas and Burger King.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
So I was there a lot.
And Dallas was our city.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What was your first job over there?
I worked at Bell's.
Oh, my first singing gig?
No, your first like human job, like a job.
My first big girl job.
Well, I worked at this little department store called Bell's for like the
Christmas season.
They hired me to wrap presents, which I'm terrible at.
So then they were like, these presents are terrible.
So they put me in the back room to like sort things.
And I only lasted two weeks.
I was like, I just started singing and playing.
I was 17, but I needed like, I was not making any money.
I was like a starving musician.
And so I tried for that, like, you know, that like holiday season extra money
and realized quickly, like, I've got to make the music business work because
this is not for me.
Because that's not it.
No, it was just not.
I wasn't good at anything else.
So I was like, yeah, if they put you in the back to sort, that's not even.
I know I couldn't even use.
Well, because I, some old lady asked me, like, does this look good on me?
And I told her my truth.
I was like, not really.
They're like, that's not how it works.
You kind of have to lie.
I'm like, oh.
Yeah, I'm trying to think if I, well, I used to work at a pizza parlor for a
while and we got laid, there were cutbacks there or whatever.
And I don't know how there could be cutbacks.
It's like, there was four of us working there, but I guess they had like cutbacks
or whatever.
So a couple of us got laid off.
But I wonder if I ever worked at a department store.
I couldn't work around pizza.
I just, I love it too much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had the pizza inn.
In your town?
Yep.
And had the salad bar and had little corn dogs on it.
And I was really happy about that.
They put corn dogs on the salad bar?
I love a salad bar.
That's unprecedented.
Oh, I love a salad bar.
Pizza Hut used to have a great one.
Do you remember?
Pizza Hut.
It was like Pizza Hut, but like small town brand pizza inn.
Oh, yeah.
Pizza Inn.
Same thing.
Did they throw the pizza in the air or not?
No.
No?
Nobody knows how to do that.
Oh, yeah.
Now I know.
I've actually seen it in real time now because my husband is from New York City.
Yeah.
So I've had like legit pizza now.
Yeah.
Not Pizza Inn.
Oh, we had a place.
I'm trying to think of what it was called.
But they had a big window there.
And some dude, I think he was a magician, but they gave him like daytime work
throwing those pizzas in the air because I think it just fit in people's heads.
Like, oh, that's magic.
And so he-
That's hard.
Oh, he was, I think he really got the hang of it.
And it was awesome.
People would come from miles around to watch him, you know?
You'd see kids just out there just licking lollipops, just staring at him,
looking at this doe wizard.
Small town entertainment is pretty simple.
It's easy to come up with.
Oh, yeah.
When the fair came to town, that was always exciting.
We could go to the fair a day before and for 50 cents, you could, you were kind
of a guinea pig.
They didn't tell you that, but it was like, come on over and you can do a ride
for 50 cents.
So we lived right down the street from the fairgrounds.
So we'd walk down there, dude, and you would just get rattled, electrocuted.
Yeah, I don't trust small town fair rides.
Yeah.
I just don't.
And I think that's probably a wise choice for you, you know?
Right, yeah.
You seem like a thrill chaser because you got tased and you ride the 50 cent
ride.
Like, you're just going for it.
I've been in some bad relationships.
Yeah, maybe I'm a thrill chaser, you know?
Yeah.
I think, yeah, if you stack all those things up.
How does a guy, this is news.
So how does, because your husband was just like a regular police officer, right?
How does a regular police officer meet a celebrity comfortably?
Do you, is that a weird thing to ask, kind of?
No, I mean, honestly, like, we're kind of from the same fabric.
So it was, the weirdest part of it all is the language barrier at first,
honestly, because
he's a New York accent and you hear mine.
So it was like, any of my Southern phrases, any of the, like, redneck stuff I
say, he's
like, well, I don't understand what you're saying.
So, well, we just met, we met by chance, literally on the street and like, and
six years
later, it worked out.
But was, was there moments where he was like, you know, this is like, because I
feel like
if I'm a regular guy, say if I met, you know, Julia Roberts or, um, trying to
think of somebody
else, Queen Elizabeth or something, and I'm trying to date them, I would, I
wonder if there
would be moments in my head where I'm like, what, how do I do this?
Like, you know, do I put on a special cologne?
Like, what do, how do I, just because there's some.
Well, Brandon does wear the polo, like the old school one.
Oh, he does?
The red bottle.
Oh, yeah.
That green bottle with the little gold cap?
The red one.
I don't know if I've seen that one.
That might be the sport.
Yeah.
Maybe it is.
Remember when sport came out?
Yeah.
Oh, every.
Did you ever wear cool water?
Uh, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, some, uh, some of the fancier kids kind of did.
Guys that had like game with women wore it.
That's why I was like, did you, are you lying?
Did you wear the cool water?
Say it.
I didn't have game with women.
I was like, I was always the guy who like would, like, would help my buddy open
all the
valentines, like on valentines in school, they would have like the key club or
whatever
would come in and if somebody bought you a valentine, they'd give them all out
in the
room at the same time.
So my buddy would get like 11 of them and I wouldn't get any, but he'd let me
like hold
a couple of them on my desk or whatever.
Make me feel good?
Yeah.
And it's like, hey, hold.
Isn't it like, wasn't it like the one where you give everybody in the class one
so everybody
feels love?
Oh, when we were kids, but when it got into junior high, it got like, okay,
somebody
had to go.
Yeah.
And you would get them and he would just have a stack of them.
He looked like the damn bachelor.
You're going to get so many valentines.
Now it's going to be weird because you talked about it.
That's a good point, huh?
Yeah.
Valentine's were nice.
My mom wouldn't get us like something that she would like leave by our like bed
or something
in the morning.
Like, uh, that was pretty sweet though.
Um, but yeah, was there ever a moment where he was just like, where it just
seemed like
nerd, like he's like, I'm a regular guy and you're a, you're a regular person.
But then there's always like a, I think there's a fear in like a regular guy's
head of like
how you would behave around a celebrity, I guess.
I think, uh, does it make any sense?
Yeah.
And it definitely is an adjustmen