Name: Sand Hands | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #546
Uploaded: 2024-11-26T00:59:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sand Hands | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #546' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sand Hands | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #546' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-26. Transcript available.

Sand Hands | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #546

All right. Good day. Good day. Um, how are you? How are you? Uh, how are I? How
are, how are us? Um, good to see everyone. Good to be here with you. Happy
Thanksgiving. Happy November. Happy existence. You know, that's something as
well. Um, this year went baby.
This year, that thing is, this year was just hooked to a dang laser beam. I
feel like, what was that? You almost had to slow down the film and even
remember the summer. It was just fast. This thing was just a, uh, this took the
HOV lane this year. Life got roller skates on.
Roller skates on. I couldn't even, I couldn't even make an accurate police
report on, on, on, uh, on April. I couldn't tell you what she looked like, what
she was wearing. The officer, like, well, can you tell me April? Tell me, you
know, how tall I look? I don't know. Damn it.
It just, it just, it just, it just all went so fast. You know, and now, I don't
know if it's just that life feels faster now, but you can't even get your hands
on it.
I mean, it's like just trying to grab sand. You can get some of it, but then it
just, it ends up just, you just, you just realizing you can't get it.
You can't get that grip on it, boy. It's like trying to just do a, um, uh, what's
it called? The guy you go to and you go in his shop or whatever. And it's, he
pretends like he has a secretary or whatever, but he doesn't. And then you go
in there and he lays you down. And he like,
he asks you like a question or something, but you're so nervous that you're
going to get touched or whatever. But what is that? Dang it. Um, chiropractor.
It's like trying to be a chiropractor on sand.
You know, you just, you can't move it. You can't control. You just, you think
you can. And then there's nothing. Um, anyway, I'm rambling. I'm just saying it's
been a long year.
Um, and I'm happy to be here with you today. And, uh, yeah, just thank you guys
for just your patience on doing solo episodes. I wanted to tape this yesterday,
but I just, my, I was just so damn rattled.
You ever wake up and you're just damn rattled. I mean, it's just like a couple
of pigeons are just living in your ass. You're just like, what in the hell? And
everything's a prop. Somebody, you know,
somebody comes to the door and they just, you know,
this guy came to the door and he was offering pest control or whatever. And I'm
like, you know, I, I think
they just came. Cause I think I have like 11 pest control guys because I, you
know, I forget. And then
next thing, you know, hell I'll be in my living room reading a book and one of
them will just, damn, just
we'll just spray for, we'll just spray for lice right in front of me. He'll
spray for lice right across my
damn forehead sometimes. Cause I forget, you know, I always forget when they're
going to
be here. You, you have that one afternoon, you're doing a cook off and they
show up with
those, um, with those, uh, those, uh, chigger grenades or whatever. And they're
humming
those bitches, you know, when your family's out there, you're trying to put
mustard on
something and the baby's got damn bug gas in his eyes. It's just, I just forget.
Anyway,
the guy came and, um, he had just, uh, the bug guy, he's like, you know, we can
come,
we can come 17 times a year. That's what he said. And I was like, dude, I don't
want,
when I get married, I don't want my wife coming here 17 times a year, you know?
So that's not
a sales tactic. I wanted to hear, but, uh, but the guy had the biggest mustache
I'd ever seen in my
life. And the only thing I could think the whole time he's talking to me is you
need to go spray up
in that bitch. Cause there ain't, there is not a chance in hell. You're not
running some kind of
damn bug motel right up under your snout, daddy. There ain't a CNH baby chance
in hell. You ain't got
a couple of fucking word lice running around up in that, uh, in that up in that
trap house you got
above your lip, daddy. So it just, you know, I said, you know, I said, I think
we're good. You
know, we got guys, I got seven guys spraying right now. You know, I could
barely talk to the guy. Some
guy was spraying right in front of me. Um, but yeah, just everything's happened.
So if I just get
confused, everything's happened so fast and, um, and here we are and it's
November and it's
it's like that.
And I'm sure it's like that for everybody. It's like, okay. Some of you, your
kid is a, you know,
your kid is age is been eight is aged this year. Like, man, I can't believe it.
You know,
Genevieve's four now or your dad has it got to get a hip, got to get a new hip
or new neck or
whatever. You're like, now it's already time next week. Ricky's getting that
new neck.
You know, it's just things happen fast. You know, man, it was only seven months
ago that,
uh, we laid my grandmother to rest. You know, just, it's just all these things
and life just keeps
lifing, you know, and it's just, um, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot for everybody
and it's marvelous at
the same time. It is existence. That's what it is. Um, but I'm grateful to be
here with you guys today
and, uh, just grateful to be taking a moment to think about our lives and what
they've been like.
Um, I, uh, I want to say thanks. We, it has been a while since we've had a solo
episode. I'm
still going to try to do more. Um, I'm, I'm finally having a little more time
to start to
take care of myself right now. And so that's feeling really good just to be
able to relax some,
um, what's going on. We had some shows in a lot of places. Thank you guys. It
came out out there.
We just got off the road out in the Midwest, baby. Oh, H we did it out there,
um, on OSU,
this campus, Grand Rapids, Michigan, baby. Let's go all over. We went up to
where else. Oh,
up in Montana. The, I think I do owe a little bit of maybe an apology to, uh,
um,
um, what's that place called? It's like a place where they have people.
Um, Oh, Chicago state. No, it's, uh, Colorado state, Colorado Springs. I may
always, uh, just
Colorado Springs and, um, Casper, Wyoming. When I got there, I was dehydrated,
man. I mean,
I was just, I mean, I, you could hear my eyes open, you know, I opened my eyes
and they,
you could just like, it was loud, you know, you know, like somebody just hard
art around,
you know, I saw a cat look over at me, like somebody just been hard are an
added.
And it was just, I was so dried out. The weather there, it just, the wind up
there is nasty up
there. The wind, it'll, you open your eyes for a second. The wind will get in
there and
clean them bitches out. Next thing you did, I was having to lick my hand and
rub it into
my eyes, spitting in my hand and rubbing it into my eyes. And even, you know,
you're looking
at everybody through damn spit eyes or whatever. And the ladies, they're like,
Oh, look at this
little bitch with his damn spit eyes. Oh, honky got them spit eyes. But I was
just dry as hell.
Even the animals up there are dry. You see a damn animal up there, a dog up
there, Casper
Wyoming, that thing up there, just, he just, somebody, you, you write water on
the ground and a dog come
lick on the word. People things thirsty as hell up there. I saw a plant. It had
grown
up my leg and was trying to, uh, drink out of my, uh, had me a little, uh, canteen.
I saw
a vine stood somewhere for 30 seconds. A vine grew up my leg and it had opened
the top of my
canteen yet now. Everything's thirsty as hell up there. My, it just, it was
super dry. It was dry.
And I just wasn't ready for it. I was so dry. I could be like, um, I don't know.
I can't even
explain it to you. You know, I definitely did my best, but they gave you oxygen
tanks and I'm like,
okay, but the, all the oxygen tank is just a can of just more dry. So you hit
that bitch and now you're
just everything. Even the animals, they would sound like they were, were dried
out like, they had a cow,
one cow. I saw him like, what? It's like, but he was so dry. So that was just a,
but beautiful country,
beautiful place. I just, I was shocked at how a dehydrated I got IVs up there.
It just took me a
little bit to get on my feet, man. It was a lot. That was like probably one of
the more hectic times
that I'd had this year. Um, uh, just health healthness, you know, and being
alive and being
like that. Um, I went out to Montana, but all that areas, Colorado Springs, and
thank you for
everybody coming out and, um, and Casper, I can't even believe it. I mean, we're
Montana. Wow. That
whole, all of those regions. I mean, that's where mother nature just,
just tries on her clothes up there, baby is beautiful. Everything you see is
beautiful.
You know, it's just, it's remarkable. So it even gets to go to that part of the
country that people
came out. Uh, thank you guys so much to all the places that we went, man. I got
to go to, uh,
La Crosse, Wisconsin. And it's, uh, it's, uh, it's one of the greatest little
city town places I've been.
I didn't, man, you always, I think of some people in your head, you have ideas
of a place that's kind
of perfect, you know, and they got, you know, somebody's walking their kid home
from school or
whatever. And the kids just got a bunch of snot on his face or whatever, but
the parent leaves it
just that, you know, because there's something kind of beautiful about it.
You know, especially when you were poor, dude, if your nose was running, I'd
let that bitch fly, cut.
Cause people were always looking at you when you were poor. People always look
at you like you ain't
got nothing. And that's when, when, when, when my nose was running, I'd be like,
oh yeah, I got this
bitch. I got this snot. So there is something very beautiful about that. Um,
but we were, we were
there in a lacrosse or lacrosse. They say it or a lot of gay dudes, or they say
it like, Hey, I'm in
lacrosse. Um, but just beautiful. I mean, just to get to see some of America,
man, and, uh, to get to
see a lot of you folks. And we try to do some meet and greets after the shows
and just, we did everything
that we could. I promise you that. So thank you guys so much for the support.
And, um, yeah, Thanksgiving's
just coming in. Trevin, how are you feeling today? I'm good, man. A little
chilly. Oh yeah. It's brisk
out, huh? That's for sure. And you think it's going to get worse this year?
What are they saying
there? And if you're looking at the, uh, diameter or whatever, the air diameter
or the, the weather,
what are they saying? Yeah. The weather. Uh, yeah. About the same. Going to get
a lot colder, man.
God. Get ready. BLM baby. Burr lives matter, son. It's going to get brisk out.
Um, what else has been
going on? Oh, I'll tell you, you know, it was something that was, I thought was
really special.
That was, uh, I got to be around or be a part of, um, or be around really. Um,
so SNL, uh, Saturday night
live was going on and bill Burr was going to be on it, you know, and, uh, and
bill Burr is, there's
nobody like him. There's no, I mean, there's nobody like him. He is, he is
himself and he is one of
one. And I wanted to go see it. I'd never been SNL. I'd never been over there
and seen it, you know?
And so myself, who came with me? Oh, my buddy, Kevin and, um, and John Farley
was there and that's
Chris Farley's brother. And, uh, and it was just like, man, to be at SNL, you
know, where Chris Farley
and Spade and Nealon and Carvey and all of the, like, uh, rock, um, Sam, just
all these wizards of,
uh, you know, um, possibility, you know, uh, Sherry, um, Oh, Terry, um, uh, who's
the lady that puts
her, she's always, uh, taking her own temperature or whatever and smelling it.
Who's that lady?
Her. She, you know, just, um, just to be at SNL, Saturday night live to be on
that stage,
just to be at there watching. And, and, um, and John Farley was there, Chris
Farley's brother.
And it was the first time he said that he'd been back there since his, uh,
since he'd been there with
Chris. And that was just, I don't know. It was just like, it just, it was just
kind of, it felt special,
you know, cause I just can't imagine tha