Name: Vigilante Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #552
Uploaded: 2024-12-23T15:48:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Vigilante Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #552' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Vigilante Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #552' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Vigilante Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #552

I have some new tour dates to let you know about.
I'll be in East Lansing.
I'll be in Toledo, Ohio, Rama, Ontario in the Canada, Pittsburgh, PA, Eugene,
Oregon,
Kennewick, Washington, Seattle, Washington, Victoria, BC in the Canada, College
Station,
Texas, Belton, Texas, San Antonio, Durant, Amarillo, Oxford, Mississippi, howdy,
howdy,
Fayetteville, Arkansas, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and Tallahassee, Florida, Rosemont,
Illinois,
Winnipeg, and Calgary in the Canada.
Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R, and thank you so much for
your support.
Put a bow on it.
Put a bow on it.
That's the end of the year, baby.
In the books.
That's it.
Wrap it up.
They used to have a fella in our neighborhood when I was growing up, and he had
affliction,
you know, and they, nobody knew what he had, you know, but he had, and his
daddy kind of
had it.
Whatever his daddy had, his daddy, you know, it got worse when he had it, when
he was born.
And I remember, like, damn, he's got it.
And I remember at the holidays, they'd put a bow on him, put a big bow on him,
and let
him be out in the yard, and let him pick up some of the driveway gravel, make
wishes on
it, and throw it over to, um, over the fence over there by their house.
But, um, what were we talking about?
Good to see everyone.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Happy holidays.
Happy Black Christmas.
I know that there's, some people celebrate that Black Christmas.
I don't remember what it's called, and I don't want to offend anyone.
But that, you know what I'm saying, that chocolate, that chocolate Christmas,
baby, that Hershey's
Christmas, you know what I'm saying?
Get buck, get buck.
And, um, and they got all the Christmases, and everybody, happy Christmas,
Merry Christmas
to you, and the end of the year is here.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe that, um, that we got the end of the year already.
I just remember everything was kind of, it was a crazy year.
It started off, you know, shit was weird, and then things got kind of trans or
whatever,
and then suddenly it's Christmas.
And here we are.
We have some great Christmas music, too.
I want to just take a second so we can hear a couple of these tunes.
So we have them, and just put us in the mood right here today, at the end of
2024, right
here.
Let's hear a little something.
And that's all this, um, that's Christmas Bells by Mike Franklin.
And that's forever, that's that Autism Christmas, baby.
That Christism, baby.
Let's hear a little more of it.
And that's a little bit of Asian Christmas, too.
That's that Bobby Lee, uh, lunch whistle, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
That's that Bobby Lee mating call right there.
And you can see Bobby Lee just, just looking up in the distance behind a big
stack of, um,
like a big rice wall or something.
Boy.
You can see him looking up.
Whoa.
And that's beautiful there, right there.
It's called Christmas Bells by Mike Franklin.
And you got to love music this time of year.
It's something that really keeps you together, keeps your mind together.
I'll put on a song sometimes if I can't, you know, if I can't handle shit, I'll
damn put
on a song and I'll put a pacifier in my ass and just pray to God.
Brother, let's hear one more song here.
This is called Christmas Wonders by Howard Harper Barnes.
And this sounds like rich people driving to shop or whatever, you know, and
they're, the
kid has clean hair, you know, and the kid has clean hair and has a lunch that
has a lunch
box that has actual lunch in it.
You know, I remember my lunch box, sometimes it would just have a little piece
of paper
in there and say, fuck you on it, you know, and then a piece of silverware in
that bitch
too.
So it'd make a, you know, it'd make that sound, that very industrial sound when
you were running
with it, you would hear the silverware in there and then you nice piece of
paper in there
or something like get fucked, you know, or something like that inside of it.
Let's hear a little bit more.
Oh, we are rich.
We have gas in our car.
It's a Volvo.
Late for the store, the mall.
It's closing.
Let's get some steak for the kids.
We're rich.
Boom.
Boom.
Are we almost out of gas?
Fuck no.
We're not.
We're rich.
That's what that reminds me of.
Rich people going to the mall with their clean hair and shit and their kids or
whatever.
That ain't the kind of, our shit was just like jingle bells.
They're out there fucking smoking jingle bells.
They need to throw a, throw a fucking, uh, and he, and he throw a fucking mill
of light
against the wall.
You're like, where's your mother?
Where's your fucking mother?
You're like, mom, who is that?
Mom?
Is that Santa?
He's like, that's no, that's your, and it would be your dad or your stepdad or
your, the mechanic
who y'all owed money to.
Dude, I remember the mechanic one time we owed him something.
He came and got that bitch right back off the car, bro.
He, I don't know if it was a damn spark plug or a, it was a motor joint or
whatever.
He, it was a damn clevis clamp or something for a steering pendulum and he came
and pulled
that bitch right out of there, dude.
Yeah.
That car barely worked after that.
You had to turn the radio up to get it to, uh, go left.
Every time that if you wanted that bitch to go left, you had to fucking crank
up.
Some Aerosmith and pray some, two people had to be praying in the back.
It ran on four hands power.
You had to have four, four hands pushed together, praying straight to God,
crank up that Aerosmith.
Bam, son, 90 degree right turn.
And that's how we did it back then.
And that's what that song reminds me.
That's Christmas Wonders by Howard Harper Barnes, beautiful tune there to get
you ready for
the holidays.
Let me see what else we got here.
Here's one right now, and this is a Christmas in the club.
Let's hear it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Prancer.
Prancer.
In this bitch.
Dancer.
On this shit.
Reindeer.
Reindeer.
Reindeer.
Skrrr.
Skrrr.
Skrrr.
Skrrr.
Skrrr.
Skrrr.
Skrrr.
On Pluto.
On Ricky.
On Mario.
On DeAndre.
On Mario.
On DeAndre.
On DeAndre.
In the club.
We all reindeer.
That's a mildly urban tune, I believe there.
And that's Christmas House Music by Dylan Stitz.
All right, and we may have one more Christmas tune here to bring you guys into
the world, bro.
We got a little something right here, and this is called Trap Beat Christmas
Past by Cushy.
Bring it up in my headphones.
Cushy.
Snowfall, bitch.
All the way.
All the way.
Rocky.
Rocky.
Rocky.
Got that cock on him.
And that is Trap Beat Christmas.
And that is Trap Beat Christmas Past by Cushy with a little bit of ensemble in
the background.
I added some vocals there.
That was Rocky.
Got that cock on him at the end.
And everybody remembers a fella I grew up with, his son Rocky.
And he was mentally...
He was just...
Well, he wasn't mentally.
He was...
Unmental.
Or, you know, he just...
His...
His shit was kinda...
You know, he was that fuckin'...
He was just the Lord's side item.
And he, uh...
He, uh...
But he had that thang on him, baby.
He had that piece.
He had that frickin' Draco on him, boy.
Rocky got that cock on him.
And I remember one year around the holidays, everybody was just shocked at the,
uh...
At the size of the stump on that beautiful young fella.
Even his father.
Even his father was.
And that's what it's...
That's what it's all about.
What's going on?
Sorry.
Don't know what I'm talking about.
We've just, uh...
We're in the Christmas time of year.
And I wanna thank, um...
The...
Everybody who's just listened to the podcast this year and made a part to be a
part of it.
Uh...
We...
You know, we've...
Had the most, um...
Successful year.
As a podcast.
Depending on what you determine success by.
But, uh...
We've had the most, uh...
Prolific year, I think.
You know, and that's a blessing just to have it like that.
Um...
And...
What's going on?
Today, I got to go over to Vanderbilt University over there with Coach Clark
Lee.
And, um...
Hang out with, uh...
Some of the players over there.
And watch them practice.
They got a beautiful facility.
You know?
And it was just...
You know, I felt lucky to be in the building.
This is an SEC football school.
And...
Just to watch them go.
And just how it all, um...
They have, like, the different periods for when, like, uh...
The team switch and...
And...
Practice different parts of the game plan.
And different, um...
Formats and everything.
When the football format.
And just to witness all of that was pretty awesome.
Um...
You know, and just to be in, uh...
In Nashville as that team is building and putting...
Really just putting that anchor down, baby.
This was the year that they really kind of, I think, put that stamp win on the
program.
And just a great season over there.
And, uh...
So that was great.
Just to...
Just to go...
Get to do that.
And I wish them the best over there against Georgia Tech.
With, uh...
Diego Pavia.
That Latino ninja.
And that guy just, you know...
He is one of a kind, man.
And that whole team is.
It's just...
I think that's what I like the most.
Just being able to be around a group of people.
And...
You know, as you get older and as life changes, you don't get a lot of groups
like that.
You don't get a lot of team like that in your life as much.
So I think...
You know, even just to get to see that and be around it.
For just like...
We went over there for maybe an hour and a half or something.
And, uh...
Yeah.
It was just...
It was cool, man.
I'm not trying to brag about it or anything.
And some...
You know, but it was just...
I just thought it was...
It was just cool.
So...
Thankful to them.
Um...
What's been happening in the world?
Uh...
We got a couple of things.
People right here.
It says, um...
New Jersey drones.
Oh, God.
What is this?
They got a call that came in about it.
Let's hear this.
What is it?
Onward.
Hey, Theo.
What's up?
What's up, brother?
Uh...
Thanks for calling.
What's up, brother?
Um...
Just wanted to call.
Ask what you think about the drones in New Jersey.
Just wanted to hear your thoughts on that.
And, uh...
Have a good day.
The drones in New Jersey?
Yeah.
I've seen it.
People are like, "Look!
Hey!
Hey!
Samantha!
Get the fuck!
Get outta here!"
And she's breastfeeding some little Rutgers fan or whatever.
Samantha!
Get the fuck!
Get outta here!
Put your tits away and get outta here!
The drones!
They got the drones!
Some guy's got fuckin' salami grease in his eyes.
He can't even see that good.
He's all fuckin' just geeked up on mortadella or whatever.
He's like, "Yeah, yeah!
He got the drones!
Hey!
Hey, Frankie!
You seen his drones?"
And people saying, "They're from Africa online!
African drones!"
And that would be...
They'd be paper airplanes, bro!
Africa ain't making no drones, bro!
They making soup!
They got...
They got...
They're dealing with different issues.
Grassroots issues over there.
You know?
They make Zambian drones over there.
It's probably...
People are like, "It's aliens!"
You know?
I don't care.
I don't care what it is.
I don't care.
Zambian's good.
Y'all keep talkin' 'bout them bitches every week.
Bring 'em on.
I hope it is somethin' from another world.
It probably...
Hopefully it's comin' to help the Jets, whatever it is.
That's all it is.
Hopefully, whatever them drones...
I hope they should go...
I hope they go straight over there.
And help the Jets over there.
'Cause they could use some support.
I know that.
The New York Jets could use a damn drone or somethin'.
On defense, they need some free...
They need it.
But yeah, that's what people are sayin' that the drones over there.
"Hey!
Gina, get outta here!"
Gina's inside.
She's finishing off a tattoo.
She got...
She gettin' a tattoo on her arm.
A fuckin'...
You know?
She finally...
It's like her...
The third character from fuckin' Boondock Saints or somethin' on her arm.
Or it's some chick...
Or it's some chick from Marist.
You know?
With a Jersey Mike's brassiere.
You know?
She's...
Nine mint juleps into the slot and she's figuring things out.
"Hey!
It's the drones!"
You k