Name: BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2024
Uploaded: 2024-12-30T16:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2024' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2024' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-30. Transcript available.

BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2024

do you see that thing with the mayor do you see that thing with mayor with the
mayor of new york
no oh dude it's uh um oh yeah this is it right here do you see this so eric adams
he teaches
what was he saying they're teaching kids how to they're teaching parents how to
search your kid's
room to find drugs and gun stuff yeah did you see this you can look at the
jewelry box a jewelry box
of this nature maybe a simple jewelry box but if you look through it closely
you don't know what
your child may be hiding for instance that's from the state of new york
government was like make it
scary as hold on hold on start it over yeah that music is crazy it's like you're
gonna scare the
out of these people it's like it almost seems like uh um like the story before
castlevania starts it
like on a video game yeah this is the opening menu yeah yeah but if you look
through it closely you
don't know what your child may be hiding for instance a gun look at picture
frames behind him
cameras try to determine what's what's taking place behind a picture frame you
can find bullets you
should always when your child this is a video game that's where you find
bullets in video games look
through it look through his napsack you might find a grenade in addition to a
book something simple as a
crack pipe something as a baby what great is the kid baby doll but also it
could be a place where you
can secrete or hide drugs secrete you can secrete bro this is the mayor that's
unusual like a pillow like
this with a button is a perfect invitation to hide something i've felt
something bumpy i will reach in
see what it is god only knows i'll tell you this man those doordash people see
some shit okay you know
in india they have a cast of people called the untouchables do they really yes
you just can't
with them wow you can't go near them you see them and you look away that is
kind of and just to no no
don't take offense to this but it is when i encounter a food delivery person in
the wild
i i don't i look away no i will look away tim you don't feel like you're one of
them a food delivery
person no yeah i just there's so many other jobs i just feel like if you're
delivering doordash i just
inherently here's the thing i i i love them as a person they're child of god
yeah but they're in so
much pain are they a lot of times you can see their pain i can't see really
they're just listening to
scott staff usually i don't feel like they're i think some of them are in pain
they're just it's tough
it's a hard i just it's hard for me to see and look yeah it's just hard for me
to look at and we got
a love fella in the house today riley mal how are your brother
ah doing well have you uh blasted that corn stalk yet you popped that corn
stalk or what's going on
with you daddy how's that how's your love life bubba get us the latest man you
uh well i almost had
something happen um yesterday no yep it was during the super bowl um a friend
of mine invited me
okay and we were hanging out and everything was great and this this other guy
shows up no so you
you met up with the girl no yeah we were just at a bar okay you're at a bar and
um and a dude showed
up yeah no yeah i uh i saw him and i i knew something was gonna happen uh uh
and what was he
wearing was he dressed pretty well um he just had slacks on and nice jacket him
i mean that's
did he know that you were there with her yeah oh so he rode in right and um
okay so he shows up now
what do you do are you posturing a little or what happened are you um i'm just
chilling you know i'm
sitting next to her and everything's going great um and i get up to use the
bathroom
and once i get back he that's normal dude gonna make toilet that's normal go on
and he's in my seat next to her
what the f a white guy uh no wow
wow a mixed guy
yeah more darker okay a lot of the black girls in our town and stuff would get
knocked up by the
black guys at a young age yeah so all of our black girls disappeared at around
13 years old and got
pregnant yeah and then they come back and they're just different or they just
like um yeah they have a
child now or they have like baby milk on their shoulder or whatever um like
they were just more
advanced like the black kids in our school were more sexually advanced they
just had sex earlier and
stuff so i think that was intimidating the black girls were intimidating
because they had more
experience yeah it's funny sometimes you talk to a black guy he's like i got
hit when i was 10 and
you're like what like sorry dude it's okay this place just went out of business
we're good
we were 16 17 when we hooked up and y'all met at a carnival yeah she worked for
somebody and i
was working out there and she worked for a friend of mine another family let me
dart that balloon huh
she was actually pregnant when we hooked up already too and uh really yeah wow
that seems
illegal that's crazy i mean god but i don't know and we're still friends that i
still i mean raekwon
her son is works for me now yeah yeah really yeah or something works for me
like was the drug use
out there a little bit yeah it's a little bit so most of the time i'm the
server you're on the line
yeah i like to be on the line because i know how fast i could go um even if i
drop stuff you
know i just keep on going oh you know just keep on going just like your lunch
lady annie well
she was we had a couple of good lunch ladies we had this one lady we had named
sarge actually
and she was i think a um she loved ladies i'll say that oh yeah we had this
other lady
uh miss moncreef she uh she'd always be like make sure to get your spit again
that's what she called
you sped a getty get your sped a getty so she would yell at us that's funny she'd
be like get
your sped a getty and instead of saying cake she would say like this is crazy
but she would kind of
say like like cack so she'd be like and get you a cut of coconut cack over
there see i think we're all
have to be a little nuts you know to be over there so long around everybody you
know most think i am a
little off but it's okay because i've accepted that you know a long time ago
dude shoney's in bro i
remember for 11 you could stay at the place right for 15 you could stay and eat
right so with that four
dollar up charge you got that buffet shoney's had an in and we would go bro and
the they had they also
had this like premiere buffet for like two more dollars you could go they had
like this kind of
roped off area of the buffet and down there they had salmon or whatever you
know damn pick you know
special pickles salmon uh honey pickles honeydew melon like i'd never you'd
never seen gay watermelon
you know what i'm saying they had all the special when you're a kid all that's
nice
until you get older and you're like why am i eating this i'm gonna die
look at the people around me look what they look like and here i am with them
about to die now willie what would it take to get you to cheer for another team
that is a question
i would like to know man what would it what amount of money would it take
couldn't take no money
i'm gonna die harder time what amount of what amount of would it no uh no
nothing i'm a die
hearted tide fan now what if a woman came and i'm talking a lady came over from
uh uh texas a&m i'm
talking a lady rides up in a corvette willie what the tits look with some of
that that real
that real she got some titties look like two angry dogs trying to chew on your
cock
i was tired tell me this she got that cooter on her that that yeah but i seen
some of them at the
at the airport yeah baby and what do you now oh man did some of them have one
god your body
praise god baby had one that had a choke of mew yeah baby that's what i'm
talking about
it was a nice building they did have a pool at the building that was pretty
cool okay
and um i was learning to play guitar at the time and so i would go in there he'd
have some
every now and then he'd have a chick stay over and i'd go in there and play um
uh teasing
the song about harry clapton's son dying that was about yeah that's the song
you would play while
the guy was getting me it's about his son falling out of a window what yeah no
way how was his son was
in the military no he was like a little ass kid dude it's a tragic song
oh dude sorry sorry eric
he's alive yeah oh man
so so your friend's dad who's giving you shelter is getting see with one of his
eight viagras
and he has to battle that viagra's up against that old man's led and the saddest
song one of the saddest
songs of the 90s a poor rendition by the way there's no way you were good at it
you're butchering
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry bing bing bing bing bing bong oh so my
bad bing bing bong bing bing bing
but i would go in there and one time after a couple they would request me to
come back wow you were the
fucking you were the music for them fucking there used to be a show it was like
amish something amish
like yeah something amish and they this one dude yeah something on me this one
dude kept like mowing
his grass he had to use that old school cutter this like the spinning wheel
thing yeah and he's like
this sucks i was adopted i'm not even supposed to be on which he said i'm not
even supposed to be
your dude is hilarious it's like a flight that never takes off you're just
sitting there
man i wish you could pick your cases like i wish they had like a menu like oh
here's the cases
they're doing today because then i could see if i want to pretend like i'm
racist or not to try
and get out of it oh yeah you gotta yeah i roll right in there and tell them i'm
racist
what what t-shirt are you wearing and last time they're like we have so many
races here today
we still have to ask you guys a couple questions we gotta we gotta filter
through that see how racist
you are like we just go and grab a random group of a hundred of america's dumbest
people and be like
hey sit in this room we're gonna use 10 of you to solve this murder it blows my
mind well it's the
craziest part about it is this works at a leslie's pool supply and now they're
in charge of
a murder now they're trying to figure out who killed kennedy right here like
and some guy's like
i don't know the difference between a cucumber and a pickle and you want me to
decide on this jury
this is a fuddruckers manager you ever been in a pyramid scheme no i've been in
a couple my buddy
won his family's um football pool it was like their ncaa their college football
pool they did every year
he won is like 600 dude he was so excited he could have changed his life and
instead his mom convinced
him to buy a christmas village of like rare christmas village houses oh yeah
they're back
they're back they're happening right now my buddy to this day is uh he's big
into christmas houses
no rent rent and much the tenants don't make much noise and the uh and the
street lights are always
on electric bills low yes running into a lot of issues but god that just broke
him man he never
recovered from that dude i met a dude yesterday in tennessee he said he took
out an 800 life insurance
policy on his wife i'm like 800 that's pretty insulting well yeah that's what i
felt like
when i say i know that i was probably a kid and there was people that worked
around where i live with
my and i think they did crack that was a rumor wow but i don't really i don't
really know what crack
does it's a functional like the my pillow guy he did it his whole building the
pillows you know really
yeah oh so good things can come out of it yeah there are crack success stories
oh wow is that what the
secret is like crack in there like they dust a pillow with crack before they
ship it people like yo this
is the best pillow i've ever had in my life this is my pillow you can't have
that it's like crack bay
that guy like this you know he just there's a guy on the assembly line just
like as they pass
i was gonna say probably i wish meth had like a birth control aspect to it oh
man but i would go
white claw i think it does i think when you smoke m