Name: Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #574
Uploaded: 2025-04-09T03:24:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #574' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #574' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-09. Transcript available.

Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #574

I'm going to let you know we have these new hoodies, the Onward hoodies, in the
merch shop.
These are my favorite template of hoodie ever that we've ever had.
I think you will love them and enjoy them.
They're at TheovanStore.com.
And thank you so much for your support.
Today's guest is a stand-up comedian.
He has two podcasts, Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List and We Might Be Drunk
with Sam Morrill.
He's touring all over this year.
He's a one-of-one.
He's a new father.
And he has a new series out called Page to Stage, where comedians take
something from their notebook and you see it build until it gets performed.
Today's guest is a one-of-one, my Louisiana brethren, Mr. Mark Norman.
Are you flying out today?
Yeah.
My stepdad is sick, so I've got to go see him.
Oh, jeez.
Sorry.
I know I'm bummed.
I wanted to be there for Kill Tony.
Oh, yeah.
Are you doing it?
Doing it with Kid Rock, so I'm going to really sing him.
That's the only way I can get to him, because if I do it at his house, he'll,
you know, sick his security guards on me and call me the N-word.
Dude, I didn't know.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, he has a dog that can say the N-word I saw.
Was it a, what, Black Lab, I hope?
Oh, yeah, dude.
BLM, bro.
Black Labs matter.
Of course it is, dude.
Hopefully it's not a German Shepherd.
He thought a Black Lab was a place where they tested barbecue sauce.
I was like, here, get on, Mike.
That's where they make sickle cell.
Yeah, dude.
I was like, bro, that's not.
I was like, Bob, you got the wrong idea, man.
So you're doing Kill Tony coming up.
Tonight, yeah.
Tonight.
Oh, yeah, at the, what is it, the Bridgestone?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, very exciting.
I feel like Nate Bargatze.
Yeah, I know, huh?
Have you done one on that big of a level?
That's big, man.
No, no, I've done arena shows, but I've never done, like, a panel with jokes
and zingers,
and that's going to be weird, just making fun of these poor open micers in
front of 20,000 people.
Dude, and imagine them getting up there, that many people.
They're going to be shook.
Oh, yeah.
How could you have a good set?
That's insane.
I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson.
Well, that's a bad, that's a dated.
Who's the new hot lady?
Who is it now?
Oprah.
No, it's Rihanna.
Who do the kids like?
Oh, aw.
Sydney Sweeney.
Sydney Sweeney.
That's a good one.
Look at the tits on dickless.
God.
Oh, wow.
Holy Hachi Machi.
She seems like a beautiful young lady, huh?
Very attractive.
She just got separated from her husband.
Oh, hey, you're in.
That's Slurp Lord.
I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say.
Hey, say nice yams, bitch.
Oh, yeah.
That's true, dude.
I think she wants that.
No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'll probably turn her on.
You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.
Yeah, she's got some crop circles.
Oh, yeah, brother.
Is that the ex?
That guy looks like an ugly me.
Oh, man, I feel great.
Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breasts.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
Yeah, right?
Yeah, I mean, he looks like an Uber driver.
Yeah, dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think.
Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there.
Oh, you would have to have a buddy.
You would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot thing
or whatever.
Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag.
Wow.
Look, that is a lovely, lovely lady.
It's good to know that a blonde with huge cans is, that's back.
Fuck yeah.
That's a great point, dude.
Yeah, she could be anything.
We need flight attendants like this now.
Ooh, yeah, good.
They're all gay now.
Oh, they're all gay.
Even a woman like you're, I remember trying to hit on this lady and she'll be
like, she's
like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only going to be a woman for like
another
week.
And I was like, what the fuck, man?
Oh, damn.
That's what this flight attendant said.
I was like, oh, come on.
Good Lord.
Where's she connecting?
In Transville?
I know, dude.
Yeah, that's great.
Transville's vain, yeah?
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, they're all gay now.
They used to be very attractive.
It's like these sky homos.
They've taken over the air.
Yeah, dude.
It is, dude, I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness.
The second you get on there, I lock in, dude.
I tell my penis, I say, you know what we're here for.
We're just here to get from A to B.
Right, right.
Do not look around.
Yes, yes.
They're going to tempt you.
It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, like a guy possibly dressed as a woman
walking
through with liquor or snacks or those goldfish.
My penis loves goldfish, right?
Oh, love a goldfish.
So, but do not look over there.
You stay straight.
We're just, we're going to Cincinnati.
Exactly.
No place straighter than Cincinnati.
That is a straight town right there.
It is, dude.
They eat chili and watch football.
Oh.
But wait, hold on.
You said something.
Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay, the gay love?
Yeah.
That is very nice when a gay guy's like, hey, cutie or whatever.
And you're like, eh, this is pretty good.
Yeah.
Well, because it's replacing the old thing.
It's like you still want the affection.
Right.
And now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dads.
So it's like, they're kind of coming at you with that combo meal.
Oh, you get the male attention and flirty.
And the female flirty.
Yeah, that's good.
You get it in one.
That's God, I'd love to be gay.
That's a lot of gay guys thing is don't you want that combo meal?
Right.
You know?
And you can blow the fucking chrome off your trailer hitch.
Oh, dude, can you?
This is insane to be talking about.
Sorry.
This is God's country.
I'm just going to Cincinnati, okay?
You're right.
That's all I'm telling you, Mark.
All right.
I'm already getting a layover.
I'm gay over.
But, dude, yeah, there's just something like they, yeah, you see them and they,
but yeah,
God, could you even imagine some strong guy who was probably like on the neck
team in college
or whatever, some sporting event like the.
Wrestling?
Yeah, wrestling or something like that.
Oh, yeah.
And he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or
whatever.
Woo, easy, big fella.
Sorry, that's crazy.
That just seems.
Anyone else hard?
That seems crazy, dude.
You're going to make Morgan Wallen uncomfortable.
That's true.
Oh, man, yeah.
It's got to be nice to be the gay.
What about Glory Hole?
Is that real?
There was one at.
What?
You know of one?
There was one at Louisiana State when I was at LSU.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah.
How did I miss that?
I went there for a semester.
Yeah.
Bring up Glory Hole LSU.
What?
They had one.
And you know where it was?
I think it was in, I want to say the library.
Whoa.
Damn, they plugged that hole.
Look at that.
Oh, there's one right there taking a dump in Tarot.
That's one of those holes there.
Oh, there it is right there.
Whoa, look at that.
Look at that.
Damn, you could even look through there if you wanted to, which is nice.
Bro, if you're, but it's hard to look through there when there's a wiener
coming through.
Take your eye out.
Yeah, dude, don't be that weirdo that's trying to sightsee at a Glory Hole, you
know?
Yeah, you just got to, you got to trust the hole.
You got to go with it.
Whatever comes through, you got to eat it.
That's the hole.
Dude, that's the original game show right there.
Oh, yes.
That's great.
Yeah, now it's like, I'm thinking of what it's called now.
It's like, the floor is lava, dude.
Right.
Nothing, that has nothing on the Glory Hole is open.
That's a great point, yeah.
And you never know who's on the other side.
Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor.
I mean, that's a real gamble.
Oh, yeah.
It could be your pastor.
It could be your future, dude.
It could be some gay dude you're gonna, or woman.
Nowadays, even lesbians will stop in there just to couture their jawline.
They'll pop into a male Glory Hole.
Yeah, but what about lesbians?
They don't have any way to glory.
You can't get a clit through that wood girth.
I don't know.
You put the softball team in there, they'll fucking, they'll hit a single at
least through that thing.
Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole.
Oh, damn.
That's what put her in jail in Russia, I heard.
Have you seen her lately?
She looks like Pete Davidson.
Yeah, I could see a crossover.
Why hasn't she been on SNL, I wonder?
Oh.
How about you?
Brittany, let me see something real quick.
Oh, this is awkward.
Brittany, thank you.
Get the fuck.
Get the fuck.
Whoa.
Look at those dogs walking on water.
What religion is this?
What the fuck is that?
Dude, I've never, bro, that's, dude, this is that new shit, man.
This is what's coming now.
Right.
This is the new Christianity.
This will be a story in the Bible one day.
Brittany Griner suits a three-pointer.
Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy.
Damn, that was good.
Ah, thanks.
God, bro.
That's a pretty decent start for an episode, I feel like.
Hell yeah.
Well, I love Nashville.
I love this town.
We did the Ryman last night.
We did Zanies after that.
Drop your mic down a little bit like this.
Oh, sorry.
Went to Kid Rock's house.
It was a wild night.
You did?
You went to Kid Rock's?
Yeah, we were just out with Tony, and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you.
We jump in a car, we drive a half hour, and then bam.
We did it.
Yeah, exactly.
And what a home.
Oh, you could.
There's definitely, was it just him there?
Was it other people?
It was just him and like a security guy.
Oh, yeah, dude.
And maybe a slave.
I mean, it felt like it.
Big, jacked, scary, like Marine-looking guy.
Oh, yeah, a lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking like sniping
fucking
Gazans on behalf of Israel.
But, yeah, dude, he.
Build that wailing wall.
Jesus.
Dude, I heard the wailing wall.
This is the most Israel thing ever.
The wailing wall has an ATM in it.
Is that crazy?
That's hilarious.
Is it?
I mean, I wouldn't be surprised.
You need some cash out there if you're going to buy a little dreidel, some knick-knacks.
Oh, I'll fucking spend Gimel on that, bitch, son.
That's all I spend, dude.
They used to call me Big Gimel in a lot of back alleys.
Jimmy Gimel.
Jimmy Gimel Live.
In a lot of Yiddish back alleys, they used to call me fucking Jimmy Gimel, dog.
Oh, the wailing wall, it should have at least two ATMs at it.
I can't even believe this is an issue over there.
It's got to have one, or at least a glory hole.
Yeah, definitely, dude.
Get that no foreskin through there.
Yeah, only in the glory holes in Israel, it says FDIC insured.
F-D-I-C-K insured, dude.
Nice.
There it is.
Oh!
There it is.
Holy shit.
The only kosher ATM in the world.
That's hilarious.
It just takes money from Palestinians.
It's not even your account.
Yeah, dude.
That's crazy.
Holy moly.
That's hilarious.
Wow.
Speaking of going abroad, you have shows coming up abroad, man.
Yeah, I'm very excited.
Going to London, going to Australia.
I love those crowds.
You do?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, the flight's a bitch, and you get homesick, and the jet lag's a real
cum guzzler,
but I love Australia.
I'm pumped.
Do you ever go?
Yes, man.
Where are you going over there?
Let me see some of his dates here.
You're going to Reykjavik, Reykjavik?
Yeah, I think that's Iceland, right?
Reykjavik?
Reykjavik.
Oh, Reykjavik.
That's how they say it?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, Reykjavik.
Yeah.
It looks like somebody's texting with T9.
Look at those vowels and consonants.
Oh, yeah.
Jesus, that's like a drunk text.
Salford, United Kingdom, Cardiff, United Kingdom, Bristol, United Kingdom,
Birmingham, London.
Glasgow, you're going to fucking Glasgow, lad.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck yeah.
Get a Smashburger, lad.
Yeah, get a Glasgow smile.
That's where they cut you from here to here.
Get a Glasgow smile.
Terrifying.
Those Scots are really scary.
That's going to be incredible, dude.
So you have those shows coming up.
That's everywhere over there.
Yeah, yeah.
Doing the whole gamut.
Just taking a train from t