Name: Big Guy | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #581
Uploaded: 2025-05-10T09:41:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Big Guy | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #581' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Big Guy | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #581' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-10. Transcript available.

Big Guy | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #581

mother's day is right around the corner and if you're undecided on what to get
mom
maybe some flowers or a nice meal that she doesn't have to cook is just the
break she needs
but for a limited time use code theo 50 that's right theo 50 to get 50 off up
to a 15 value
when you spend 15 or more at local florists convenience grocery and retail
stores on door
dash and starting may 9th through mother's day weekend your flowers order will
unlock credit
towards select gifts that take cooking planning and more off mom's plate make
this mother's day
special with door dash code theo 50 terms apply all right here we are welcome
to the month of may
in the year 2025 thank you for joining me here today thank you for letting me
be a part of your
life and and you be a part of mine today happy mother's day we'll start with
that we got a nice
episode of uh we got some mother's day stuff we're going to get into a little
bit of light news and
then um we had a call a few weeks back about grief and uh loss and we had um a
lot of nice feedback
calls and informative heart heart heart heart felt contributions uh so we'll
get into those in a bit as well
um but yeah mother's day that's it because you're my people your mama raised
you think about that
you're my boy you you were you was doing nothing your little ass lay in there
doing nothing bull hunting
for a fucking hand tit that's all you was doing you was just hunting for that
little hand tit but your
little little hands you was a little slurp lord and your mother raised you
first of all if something
came up to me and started sucking on my on my breast on my tit or man or
whatever it's called tit for men
or whatever i would not then raise it that is you have to think about that if
someone started sucking on
your tit would you take it off and then raise it and grow it to its full form
only a mother would do that type
shit boy that's some next level that's some next level behavior mothers out
there
which you asked too a lot of kids never washed their ass we had a buddy his
legs just knew his pants
so well he all he wore the same pants always and so you knew good and well so
nobody was washing
his ass boy not a chance even his mom and she tried telling you see her warm up
some water on a stove
in a stove pot and to pull a pack pull his pants back and just dump it right
down the back of his pants
hoping to even to get a half wash or quarter wash on his ass with that warm
water
but damn your mother your mother our mothers did that
and when we couldn't read imagine you sitting there with somebody right
and they can't read you know and you got to teach them to you start with the
first letter
and you show them that
and it's a picture of like an alligator and a little kid and the mom's like
what's that and he's like
lizard lizard or whatever he can't even say
shit he don't even say nothing he just look at you and try to cop a quick head
off that tit
that's a dumb child we were all dumb child
my mother helped us out of that out of that cavern of knowing nothing
god they did a lot of work
and then even on some once you were in school when you had to go to school and
take a test
and you was you was dumb buddy you was damn dumb you was a dumb child and your
mother still hugged
you and said you're gonna do good on it
i remember my but my mom would be like you can do great on your test
i'd look at her like really i am
you could and she yeah you're gonna do great and i would leave out the door and
i peek back in the
window you could see her just shaking her head like he gonna it up
but that's crazy to to send something know something is gonna not do well on a
damn uh
spelling or whatever it's called and send it out in the world and still hug it
and pretend like you when they get back how'd you do you know good and well how
they did mom they didn't
do boy they didn't do bro opening pants another batch of warm water on that ass
it's spring cleaning
mother's day man that's what it is and that's what it ain't man um
you don't want to say happy mother's day to my mother i know she watches this
show and i appreciate that
um man happy mother's day to all the moms out there
the ones that do it by themselves and and some of y'all have help and uh
yeah it's just this
we know you're doing it somebody's doing it
and it ain't us
it ain't us children we get we thought we sometimes chill we think we did it
ourself
we didn't do so make sure to reach out to your mother hit her with a happy uh
mother's day get her something we got a uh one of our commercials they got a
good advertisement
something beautiful you get her some good items or something break her off
something
get your mother something drive over there give her a hug boy
keep your hands off that breast though boy you of age now
you of age because that's always the craziest you see them nine year old at the
basketball game and he over there and he up under his mother wearing a uh
triple xl men's polo shirt
just so that kid can get up under there and knob off on that tip and he nine
bro
dude i remember they had this one kid little bubby was his name and he would go
slip up under
his mom's shirt hit mom i don't know if she was in a wheelchair she was just
just just just just not you know kind of looked like she was in a wheelchair
type
and she had them crazy breasts them kind you it looked like uh they cracked
open and were kind
of flooding out at like them was i don't even know if they are at a certain
point it was like she had
them uh just got damn them thing boy she had them fucking bean bag she had them
she had them down
you know what i'm saying she could find somebody take a break right between her
breasts you find two
men two factory workers over between her breasts getting a nap in and betting
on a horse racing
because she had them big break time tits boy she had them damn baby bags she
had a damn a cow
walk up and try to feed off of them she had them them front end loaders on her
what were we talking
about uh what are we talking about easton mother's day mother's day that's it
man
that is it sorry i went off on a tangent oh but i remember they had his kid
little bubby and he would
go over by his mom's uh by his mom he'd get up he'd get him a damn candy bar
and get up under that
shirt and get on that tit you'd see him and he'd have to pop his head out to
catch more breath to
catch more air he got he stick his head out and then back under there candy and
and tit candy and and
under that damn nine years old brother you're gonna do good on your test son no
we ain't a kid damn dumb baby
happy mother's day um oh i don't know what i'm gonna get my mother well i'll
get my mother some uh
i'll send her a card and i sent that thing on monday boy so it's gonna be there
because for years i'm
that guy send that late card you know i sent that bit she'll get that bitch on
father's day she gets
that bitch and she did both jobs anyway so they should make that they should
make that mother father's
day card the two in one hitter now they should get that thing released out
there because you've heard
me say it before man the hardest working man i've ever met is my mother big
facts happy mother's day to
you uh and to your mother's make sure to get that love line hit her with that
love line do something
get over there tickle her you know i'm saying buy her a bra that says keep out
on it and honor those
words because you too tall to be tittin you know that type shit boy what's
going on feeling a little uh
injured today i i went uh picked up something at the gym bam injured didn't
even and it was that kind
of thing where your back locks up in your lung like that just where you it's
like the wind got knocked
out of your back and you know and your friend's like what's going on and you're
like you can't even
talk it just you just so i just left i don't know what they thought i had
cancer or whatever but yeah
injured myself um went to the massage place over here and i go to the chinese
shop over there that chop shop
it say right on the side chop shop you know and they selling fucking rice right
out the back of that
bitch boy they they'll remodel your uh they'll remodel your spinal column they'll
fucking unjanga that
bitch and then hit you with that damn two grams of rice when you roll out the
door they got that
shit in there and i got i whenever i go get that massage at the uh chinese
place i get i ask for the
big guy i'm on big guy when i call him on the phone he knows me my buddy yang
over there i call him on the
phone he said you come in i said big guy you got big gay sometimes he got him
sometimes he don't
because i've had the second string they said big guy big guy gone big guy gone
that's what he said
i don't know what he meant but i think he was trying to say big guy gone right
and i spot him a
letter if he ain't got it all bro he from another country you know that's kind
of guy i'm i'll fucking
give you a vowel big guy gone gone i got you i got you with that e-twin so yeah
he said big guy gone
so i went in there and they had a second big guy in that bitch bro the second
and he ain't that big
bro he kind of he just he trying to like make his neck long just trying to look
big or something you
know he put on mittens and shit because asian they try to trick you when you're
looking at them
they trick you they visual they're the fucking uh they're the the bok choy david
blaines baby them
bitches will fucking they trick you bro they'll put a piece of rice over each
eye and tell you they
sleeping that's who they are they tricks just like that but but i said big guy
he said we got going
but i showed up anyway i took that second that other big guy bro and he wasn't
shit this little motherfucker this little fucking woodpecker this he couldn't
do
shit he would fucking hammer just trying to hammer on me bro he just put one of
his arms out was just
like that just woodpecking me with that elbow didn't do shit i'm fucking still
hurt
but anyway what else big guy i want to be gay dude i'll tell you this bro so
one time i'm in there
and i was getting a massage at this other joint i went to this other joint and
i'm in there bro and
i do the massage where it's like this chair thing that you sit kind of forward
on easton can you bring
that up for me brother yeah i got you and we're borrowing easton today he's
helping us producing
blessings to you man um and and easton works on um john chris's podcast what's
it called uh net
positive net positive with john chris if you want to tap in with him um what
did i ask easton do you
remember pull up a chair picture get that massage chair that front left uh
forward leaning let's go with
that oh yeah yeah that's the kind they have right there they put your face in a
little um it's like
a little soft little toilet seat but it's soft but it's little yeah yeah yeah
put your face on that
and then they just start getting at you anyway so yeah i'll go in he's got one
of those chair chair
massages so i sit in there and big gay big gay big guy here big guy gone big
guy here
big guy starts rattling on me doing his big guy shit fucking leaving sweat on
my back i can feel it
every now and then i know he's really popping back there if i feel a bead of
sweat hit my neck
so he back there popping right and then i there's i look over dude in the chair
next to me there's a
kid getting a massage right for i mean i didn't know this could happen right it's
like a this kid
look like kind of like the rizzler right like uh probably nine you're maybe
nine and like kind of
rubenesque you know uh chubbish or whatever they call it this chubbish little
kid and and there's a
guy just like just like just rubbing on over just like massaging him you know
and i didn't know a kid
could get him i didn't know and i'm like am i watching like a like what am i
watching like is
this a kid getting a massage or is this like a like is it legal or you know i
just didn't know uh
yeah i'm like and like how long do you watch it's just a massage like if you
know b