Name: Memphis Crisp | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #605
Uploaded: 2025-08-24T02:12:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Memphis Crisp | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #605' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Memphis Crisp | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #605' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-24. Transcript available.

Memphis Crisp | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #605

That's it, that's it, that's it.
Don't you even, you chill out.
Dude, if I had a husband, I would, ooh.
Dude, I would not even come home to him.
I'll say that straight up, bro.
If I had a freaking husband, dude,
I would not even come home to his freaking white ass.
No, sir.
No, sir, but I'm getting a wife.
That's what I'm getting one of these days.
Not now, soon.
I know I've said it before, but I'm just, that is what I'm doing.
And so if my wife is a man, dude, I will be, I will be upset.
I'll be upset.
I'm just going to say it straight up.
So anyway, good to see you today.
Good to be here with you.
It is August in the year 2025.
And these, these años, which are Mexican years, are rattling on.
These bitches, they, they, it's down.
They go, everything is hitting down here, baby.
It's just, things just speed up.
And I get burnt out.
I'll tell you, I get dang burnt out.
I feel like I just, uh, just an empty eight ball bag.
I'm, you know, I just, you know, I get burnt out.
I mean, I just, but I show up.
But I show up.
That's the thing.
I get burnt out.
But I show up.
You know, I'm that fucking lava lamp, homie.
I'm the Lord's lava lamp, dog.
And I'll, I'll bust on y'all.
You know what I'm saying?
Type shit, boy.
Anyway, just had to get all that out of my system.
Uh, good to see you.
Good to, good to be with you today.
Um, what's going on?
Just had some crazy couple of weeks of shows touring.
That's kind of the usual.
I was in, uh, Philly.
We went over there and, you know, Philly, you know, you'll see a baby.
He'll be crawling just to work by himself.
You're like, God, he's union.
He's, you know, he'll get a pension if he started that early.
You see that though.
You see kids, five, six-year-olds playing, wearing damn hard hats over there.
Shit falling on them.
Just, that's Philly.
You know, it's tough.
Everything's tough over there.
You'll see a cigarette smoking a cigarette.
You're like, God, everything's just puffing.
That's how it is over there.
That's Philly.
Hey, Philly.
Hey, Philly.
Dude, I was dating this girl from Philly.
She's like, uh, she's visiting me and she's like, oh, do they have, uh, bottomless,
uh, mimosas or whatever?
And I was like, I don't know.
And she's like, oh, in Philly, they got bottomless ones.
You guys don't have bottomless ones?
I was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
They may have, they may not, I don't know if they have them.
You know?
And I'm like, oh, we could go get some, uh, I know a place for good Italian
food.
And she'd be like, well, is it bottomless?
And I'm like, uh, I don't, it's, you know, no, it's, you know, it's like
regular entree in two sides.
And she'd be like, in Philly, they have Dinos and they have bottomless raviolis.
I'm like, dude, I don't want bottomless raviolis.
I don't ever want that.
I will pay someone an extra $40 to put a bottom on the raviolis.
Bottomless.
All chicks from Philly care about is getting bottomless meals.
That's it.
She's like, oh, we were, we went to my friend Julia's birthday last week and
they had bottomless eggs at brunch.
And I was like, oh, fucking hide my dick in a submarine.
I do not ever want bottomless eggs.
Just pisses me off, bro.
She'd be like, oh God, I wish we were back in Manionk.
There's a fire department that serves bottomless coleslaw every year during
summer solstice or whatever.
I'm like, oh, you're sick, lady.
And she got upset if I take her to places that, that had regular servings.
She got upset.
I know a great place we can go and get some, some wings.
And she's like, well, how many do they give you?
And I'm like, this bitch.
Boy.
I said, they give you a, you know, a, you know, a, you know, a normal amount
for somebody that's eating, you know, five or six.
And she could just see her, just her energy just dropped.
She'd be like, oh, I wish we were in Philly right now.
There's, they're having bottomless cheesecake over in Fishtown today at 4 p.m.
I'd be like, I don't care.
I don't care.
Tonight in Center City, they're having bottomless manicotti.
I'd be like.
And I was like, no, I don't want that.
And she got all, her feelings got hurt.
Her feelings got hurt, man.
And she's like, hmm.
And she kind of snuggled up her grandmother and made her like a silver linings
playbook, like knitted quilt or whatever.
And she just was like, hmm.
Oh, you should go to Kensington.
They're having bottomless methadone over there.
You're like, oh, God.
So anyway, I'm just, I'm just, it's an all call.
I would love, maybe one day I'll marry a nurse from Philly.
Marry a good, you know, semi-violent woman who can put an IV in you after she
fucking pieces you up a little bit.
But I'm just saying, be aware, women from Philly, they want it bottomless.
You know, I want a woman that wants a little bit of a bottom on things.
That's who I am.
So praise God and God bless everybody.
What's happening?
We just had some good shows everywhere.
You know, most of them are pretty good these days, I think.
I mean, I know it's hit or miss in some of the venues.
I'm just saying from an actual aspect of trying to pull it off.
Where do we go?
Yeah, Philly, Rochester.
We just had some out in San Diego, Oceanside, which is beautiful.
If you get to go there, everybody pulled up.
A lot of great folks.
And a lot of Mexican people, too.
And I want to say something.
I want to say something right now.
I want to give a round of applause to all the Mexican people for keeping this
country going.
Thank you.
Gracias.
Mas, mas, mas.
Thank you, though.
Because Mexican people keeping this shit going, bro.
They're the wind in the sail, man.
So I salute them.
If I see Mexican people, I hit them with that hard right there.
I give them that triple M right there.
For Mexico.
Para allá.
Hit them with that shit, boy.
Fuck yeah.
Amor.
Amor, papa.
Amor.
Mama.
That's it.
Amor or less.
Mexico.
Thank you.
What else is going on?
Let's get into some news.
I could tell you more about me.
I've been a little bit burnt, but I don't want to go into that.
What am I dealing with?
Let me think about what I'm dealing with.
Maybe just on a personal level for a minute.
What's happening?
We have a Netflix special that we're coming up with soon.
We're going to tape that in New York City.
So just if you check on social media, on Instagrams, we'll put it up on there.
So it's exciting.
And just thank you to everybody that's come out over this tour.
It's almost over.
And I just can't believe it, all the places that we've been.
And some of the shows, you know, we always tried our best.
But thank you guys for showing up and trying your best, too.
And giving the live show a chance.
And, yeah, I've definitely learned a lot.
And, yeah, so I just want to say thank you very much.
And I appreciate you for coming out.
And I hope I can return the favor to you in our lifetime.
What else is popping with me personally?
I went to Hulk Hogan's funeral.
Yeah, my tour manager and I went down.
And it was, you know, you get down there and it's beautiful.
It was down in Largo, Florida.
And we ended up meeting up with Kid Rock.
Yeah, I was having dinner with him a couple nights before.
And he's like, do you want to go to – he mentioned he was going down.
And I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the funeral.
And then he's like, let's go.
So we went.
And so that was the crew.
We get down there.
And we got to – I mean, it's in a beautiful church down there.
Where was that church?
Zach, if you can look that up for me really fast.
Where was that church down there?
Indian River, Indian – oh, that's a damn casino, actually.
Indian Rocks Baptist Church in Largo, Florida.
Okay.
Indian Rocks Baptist, almost – I'm just saying that thing's a couple of, you
know, a couple
slow weekends away from being – getting overtaken by a casino, bro, it sounds
like.
But anyway, beautiful place.
Indian Rocks Baptist Church, you know.
And they have, like, a baptism – it's actually where Hulk Hogan got baptized
not too long ago.
They played that during the memorial service.
And it was nice, beautiful place there.
A lot of people sitting there.
And you walk in, and there's a lot of people in there, you know.
Hacksaw was in there.
Mount of the South Jimmy Hart was in there.
Ric Flair was in there.
Dennis Rodman was in there.
And he kind of, like, he kind of, you know, I think as they were pushing the
casket out,
it kind of shook, like, wobbled a little bit.
And he – Rodman kind of stopped it, which was kind of crazy.
He was like, you know, like one last rebound kind of just, you know.
He kind of just helped toe the line there and just kind of keep the Hulk headed
to heaven,
I guess, straight away.
And – but, yeah, it was just – you know, it was kind of crazy because you're
walking – you know,
for me, I was walking through a lot of my childhood, just the moments of all
these wrestlers.
And some of them's in wheelchairs and some of them's in – you know,
some of them got some chain mail and shit or fake spines, all kind of – they
got everybody's in there.
Fake arm, fake neck.
You got – you know, people in there with so many missing parts.
It's just a damn Jim McMahon Build-A-Bear over there at that Hulk Hogan funeral
over there.
But, yeah, so it was kind of wild just to see, like, all, like, the, you know,
parts of my heroes and stuff like that and, like – and see heroes from when I
was a child.
Because there was nobody bigger to us than professional wrestlers.
I'm going to say that right out loud.
And I'm going to say that our love for professional wrestlers was bottomless,
bro.
Point blank, homie.
We just loved them, dude.
I mean, they – like, me and my buddy William would stay up at night and try
to watch
Saturday Night Main Event when Hulkamania would show up on there.
And the big boss man and bam, bam, Bigelow.
We – me and my buddy William, both of us were falling asleep.
We would hold each other's eyes open.
I would hold his open and he would hold mine open.
And we would just hold each other's eyes open, boy.
Yeah.
And we'd eat as many of those red-hot fireballs as we could so our mouths would
be like they
were dripping blood.
And we would spray WD-40 on our arms and on each other's backs.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah, get it on my back, whitey.
And we would do that shit, boy.
And we would fall, just wait there until they came on the screen, the wrestlers,
ultimate
warrior, Rudy the ravishing – not rapist or whatever.
I don't know who that guy was.
Oh, yeah, with the hair cutters.
The gardener, this, like, fucking gardener.
He had, like, gardener shears and he would fucking cut your mom's hair or
something.
And then she would be a pregnant, you know?
So, anyway, yeah, but the wrestling, it was like we looked up to those guys,
you know?
Like, on our street, a lot of the kids, there wasn't a lot to look up to.
You know, there wasn't a lot to look up to.
So, those wrestlers, when they, you know, it was like, I don't know, wrestling,
to me,
it felt like it was for poor people, bro.
I'm going to say that out loud.
You know, just all the character – I don't know.
It just – I think there was no barrier to entry for wrestling, right?
You didn't have to have a hoop or a pool.
There was nothing you had to have.
You had to have a younger sibling who was willing to get hurt, okay?
You had to have a spare neck brace.
And that was all you had to have.
And you could be a professional wrestler in your house for a little while
until your sister got fucking bad off.
I remember one time, one buddy's sister, she'd been fucking –
they'd put her in a damn – you know, my one buddy's finishing move was the
damn biopsy.
And that shit, God.
You know, you could hear one of her eyes just rattling in the back of her
throat
like one of those lotto balls just coming up the pipe before you knew the
number.
I mean, my buddy would – he would really rip his sister up.
But anyway, everybody's fine now as adults, pretty good.
But I remember she was all banged up, and they had to put –
use a couple of damn broom handles.
I mean, full broom handles, not those little, you