Name: Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #609
Uploaded: 2025-09-10T22:29:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #609' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #609' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-10. Transcript available.

Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #609

Today's guest is a stand-up comedian out of New York City.
He's performing this Thursday at the Madison Square Garden Theater on 9-11.
I'm thankful to have him back in studio, the recently engaged Mr. Chris DeStefano.
You're pretty good.
Yeah, dude, I guess racism still alive, do you think?
What do you think is really going on with racism?
With racism, what I really think is going on is I think that it's turning
around now,
and now it's pretty much just whites and blacks coming together to be racist
against the Chinese.
You do?
Yeah, so that's what I think is the nice thing about racism is we're kind of,
everybody's teaming up now, you know?
And so it's about a common enemy because it used to be white versus black, but
that's not at all what it is anymore.
And Latinos have been absorbed up into white, and it's everything is just, not
Chinese Americans, just people from China.
Okay.
That's where it seems to be going now.
Well, some black folks were beating up the Chinese during the COVID stuff.
Remember that?
That was the big thing.
I have, you know, I have a lot of friends, obviously by my haircut, you know,
and you've known me for a long time,
but I have a lot of friends who are in the NYPD, and I have an honorary police
badge just for my, just because of the way I look.
I was just given one.
You know, like some people get like a honorary doctorate, like Bill Cosby, the
G, OG.
I got an honorary NYPD just because of my look.
Oh, I could see you breaking that out, like in a men's bathhouse or something,
like, everybody down.
Yeah, yeah.
And mouths open.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm on a big group chat with like 30 cops, and anytime there's like a protest,
they'll just be, they'll just start writing CS, and I'm like, what the hell is
that?
And they're like, cracking skulls.
Yeah, yeah.
Just start coming out.
Coughing time.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
But I think that, yeah.
You really think that?
Because racism, like, you know, it's just, it's gotten into, like when I was
young, it was like, I don't want to say it was nice or whatever, but it was
just, it was easy.
It was like, okay, everybody was a certain thing, and you kind of got to pick
them out, and you knew who was going to pick on you type of thing.
Yeah.
But then people started getting so mixed.
It's like you almost need, like, a calculator.
You almost, you're like, well, what is, you know, what, I'm only going to be
racist against a half of this person or a quarter of them?
It's like, it's just too confusing now.
Right.
Well, it's too confusing.
It's like when you started doing fractions when you were, like, in fourth grade.
And it's also like everybody is every race, and everybody's every gender, and
everyone, like, I haven't even in my own family, because, you know,
I got, my kids are half white, half Latino, and, you know, I have a 10-year-old
daughter and a 4-year-old daughter, and there's even division there.
Like, my 10-year-old has chosen to be more Latina, and my 4-year-old's chosen
to be more white.
That's what's up.
And so I'll have my 4-year-old multiple times.
Multiple times my 4-year-old has, you know, because she's there learning, these
kids are so damn good on the iPad now.
Multiple times my 4-year-old has been fully on FaceTime with ICE agents trying
to get my 10-year-old locked up.
And then it's like, you know, do you put them, and I put them in timeout, but
you're like, is that enough?
And timeout is what the government's trying to put them in.
Exactly.
So you're like, is it just like a practice?
Like, you know, I think these days, I think for Latino kids, you got to make
timeout intense.
Right.
You know, to at least get them ready in case they get picked up.
That's what, actually, it's funny you say that.
That's what I've been implementing in my house.
I have a little room in my basement.
It's alligator, Alcatraz.
Well, we actually call it Guantanamo Bay.
Yeah.
And so we have it set up.
We have like a little video camera there.
We put them all in, you know, masks when they go down there.
And it's a whole thing to get them set up because the truth is, man, is if one
of my children has chosen to be white and one of my children has chosen to be
Latino.
That's on them.
That's on them.
And it caused division with, you know, my wife and I.
Like, I have to now choose, you know, and obviously I choose white.
Yeah.
You know, as you have.
I don't, I mean, I think these days I am on the fence, you know, or like, how
do you say the fence in Spanish?
Bring that up.
L'Alfense.
You think?
That's French.
No, you used to.
La Valle.
Oh, la Valle.
Now, do you.
She's cute.
How old is she?
For real, right?
But no.
Well, what's the, we're in Tennessee, so I don't know what's the age.
I mean, I'll say it skews a little.
Yeah.
Nothing to drive down here for.
I just want to say I love Celsius.
It's not like the old days.
I'm going to need some today.
Really?
Oh, you're not feeling?
I'm sorry, man.
No, I'm okay.
Let's go through some of the stuff you've said already because, yeah, I do
think, you
know, these days they're picking up so many people for so many things that at
home time
out should be more extensive for these kids.
It's got to be more intense.
You've got to put them under a bright lamp or something like that.
You've got to, you know, tape their feet to the floor and tickle them.
Like, you've got to do things that are going to prep them.
Well, yeah.
And also, too, I prepare my children, you know, for, because, you know, for
like kidnappings
and things like that because with all the Netflix content and just content in
general needs
to come out, you have to think that networks and streamers are going to start
to just do
things for the content.
So they will just let a serial killer loose or just pay a dude to just kind of
get out there
and kidnap kids so they have the story.
So you have to, you know, my kids want to get into acting.
So maybe that's the way.
Well, you know, they just started a lot of those pedophiles that they're busting
over
there at Target.
You've seen these TikToks?
No, that's what the beautiful thing.
Have you seen them?
I haven't because I've been off social media.
I'm not on social.
I've, I've, I've went away.
I just let my kids go on it.
That's fine.
I just let them, I just let them kind of get all the energy out on social media,
let them
make profiles, talk to whomever they want, and I'm not on it.
Oh, you got to keep the breadwinner safe.
Yeah, dude.
I got to, you know, my brain got to be here.
Yeah.
You know, dude, I was thinking that there, a lot of the pedophiles that are now,
I guess
they always, now it's not even cops busting them.
It's just like dudes busting them.
It's like regular dude, they'll just wander up on a guy and they're like, so
who you here
to see, you know?
Right.
And it's just some guy and, but the, you know, the guy has been flirt, flirting
with
a child online, a hypothetical child.
The other guy who's busting them has been sitting around pretending to be a
child.
Right.
Making sexual advances or I don't want to say that entirely, but communicating
sexually with
a hypothetical adult because at that point, they don't know they're online,
which both
sides of it, like definitely the predator is that's it.
That's a crime.
The other side also has to be a little bit weird at a certain times.
Like the psyche that happens if all day or six hours a day for four days a week,
you're
sitting there pretending to be a child and like responding to like sexual
advances of
adults has to be kind of weird.
It's yes, but then they get them to these places and instead of busting them,
now they're
doing things where there's physical challenges and they let them go if they can
complete the
physical challenge.
Yeah.
I mean, it's kind of a genius move because it's like, it's kind of like, you
know, American
Ninja Warrior meets Chris Hansen.
Yeah.
Which is kind of dope.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's kind of interesting because we have to get to that level, but I think,
yeah, I, unfortunately
now everything you got to know what's content, everything in some ways is
content.
You do got to think, I agree with you, you know, these people that expose the
pedophiles,
it's like, you're not a pedophile, but you're also not doing it for the greater
good.
It's like, I think there has to be some weird psychological thing that has to
mess with you
after a while.
Bring up some of the, those pedophiles that were completing the challenges and
stuff.
Can you see that?
You look at kind of beefy, dude, up in the shoulders, like you're stronger now.
I have been in, I've been in the gym.
Yeah.
I'm feeling tired though.
Now, do you think you have early stage COVID?
What do you, what are you tired from?
Do you think?
Bro, I don't, you have to, first of all, fully believe in COVID to even get it.
I believe.
100%.
But they're just getting stronger.
That's great.
And then they let them back in a lot.
It's like, they're just getting stronger.
Yeah.
Well, they're getting, some of them are doing hurdles.
One guy had to eat like 40 eggs and it's like, okay, now he's.
Now you got mad protein and you can grab any kid you want.
Well, it's just, they're getting stronger.
So do you think then the solution is obviously to give the kids guns?
Oh, dude.
Would that be the solution?
I don't know.
I know that's going to happen.
Because that's what's going to happen is the first active shooter is going to
go in with a plan and get shot by the students right away and just feel like an
idiot.
What if they had a dude named Guantanamo Bay, right?
B-A-E.
And he was just like this gay dude in Guantanamo that was just like slurping
everybody.
Oh, yeah.
Be like, everything's fine.
Dude, I would want to get arrested.
You would be that.
You'd be a great guy to be Guantanamo Bay.
And I know how to play both sides.
I know how to play Latino and gay.
Easily.
You could do it.
I have both dudes living inside me right now.
Yeah.
Well, I think, I mean, yeah, I think, look, if that's how you feel, I'm not, I'm
not, you know, I'm a.
I don't know.
I'll tell you how I feel about that.
My pronouns are he, nosotros.
Yes, he, nosotros.
Wait, nosotros.
What's this between nosotros and vosotros?
Vosotros means us.
And what does nosotros mean?
We.
Got it.
I think that's it.
Oh, vosotros means you.
Sorry.
I think it's formal.
Can you hit that accent?
Because I'm.
Vosotros.
God.
Damn, dude.
I'll have two kids right now.
Yo, do you want kids, man?
Yeah, I want some.
I want to get into that, dude.
But I do want to also ask you, though.
Yeah, what did you think about.
Oh, they just had that Drewski clip that came up.
I want to talk about that about.
Do you see that?
No, but I'd love to see it.
It's cool to not know what's going on in the world at all.
And it's also cool to catch up with you.
And I don't even know what's going on in your life.
Well, this is the kind of thing that's happened.
And we will get into that.
Because I know last time you were here, we had a huge conversation for two
hours.
It was Valentine's Day.
We talked about love.
We talked about where we were at.
That must have been years ago, dude.
It was a couple years ago.
You've had some big things happen in your life.
Yep.
Where you have been forced into marriage by a semi-illegal alien.
And we're going to talk about that.
Yes.
We're going to talk about that.
But first, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting.
Okay.
Cross-racial behaviors right here.
This is a clip that of a white male, let's see, that Drewski put together.
Okay.
Here's the love.
Here's the honor.
If you can't come in here, come on here.
Yeah!
I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also.
Look at this.
Look at Cedar Point.
Hey, you lost, boy?
No, I'm going to the races.
What races?
NASCAR races.
You're going to NASCAR?
Yes, sir.
I love this.
You ain't lost, is it?
What is this shit, dude?
You sure about that?
Do you think that kind of racism happens that much, really?
Or this is more like in movies type shit, dude?