Name: Stan the Chauffeur | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #619
Uploaded: 2025-10-22T02:18:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stan the Chauffeur | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #619' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stan the Chauffeur | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #619' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-22. Transcript available.

Stan the Chauffeur | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #619

Today's guest is a driver. He's an operator. He's a chauffeur. You feel me? A
chauffeur.
I met him in South Carolina when I was a recipient of his services. He is a one
of one.
I'm grateful to learn all about the world of chauffeuring. Today's guest is
Stan the Chauffeur.
Yeah, like usually like this is good. Right there? Yeah.
Okay. This way it's not too static yet.
But now if you get locked up like this, then you can move this.
Oh, yeah. No, no. I loosen up and wiggle around.
Whatever you got to do, I'm that Muhammad, our listener, baby.
You feel me, though? I hear it all. I don't miss a beat.
And then, you know, as emotions go, you know, you move around, wiggle the neck,
you know, you laugh here and there.
Yeah, you got different pieces inside of you, bro.
Yeah.
And that's how it works, man. Stan Bo... Stan... Hold on, I know this. Stan Boilu.
Boye.
Damn.
Well, I don't know how y'all say it in Louisiana.
Yeah.
But in New York, all my life, it's been Boye.
Boye, son. Boye, dog.
I like that, bro. I wonder what it means.
It's probably beautiful or something, huh?
It means a beautiful place or thing.
Ooh, that's it.
And that's part of the BS that I tell women.
You do?
Because my name, Stanford, Stanford means a hard rock or stone.
Mm-hmm.
Boye means a beautiful place or thing.
Mm-hmm.
So, like, I tell them, within that hard rock, if you can get inside of it, it's
a beautiful place.
Ooh.
It's like a gemstone in there.
Yeah, it's some real bullshit to lay on them, though.
Oh, you got to lay it on like that.
That's how you do it, man.
Well, one thing I noticed about you right when I met you, because you and I met,
I went to a South Carolina football game a few weeks ago.
Yes.
And you're a chauffeur.
Yes.
And so, you pulled right up on us, and immediately, we were like, wow.
Yeah.
This something is going on here.
This guy got loose, you know?
We were laughing immediately.
Oh.
You know?
We were having so much fun, man.
And is that where you're from, South Carolina?
No, I'm from the Bronx.
Ooh.
I love the Bronx.
So, you started out there?
What happened?
Like, how did it go?
Was your family was there?
What was y'all doing over there?
Well, in 95, my first wife left me, and she went to Charlotte.
Her mother was an IBM exec, and I used to go to see my daughter once a month.
That kind of got to be expensive.
So, in 97, I literally walked off the corner in the Bronx, got on the Greyhound
bus, and went to Charlotte,
because my first ex-wife's mother told me that if I was serious about changing
my life, she would give me a shot.
I stayed with her briefly until we had a conversation where she told me that I'm
supposed to be giving her something more than just rent while I'm staying in
her house.
Oh, nuh-uh.
She was looking for a little bit of limb, huh?
And I asked her, what are you talking about?
Because I do your grass, I do the laundry, I don't bring anybody here.
But what more do you want?
She told me I was a man, and she's pretty sure I could figure this one out.
Damn, she wanted that interior design.
I said to her, are you talking about the bonus plan?
And she said to me, whatever you want to call it.
Damn.
And she said to me, it's my house, my rules.
If you don't like it, find another place to stay.
I moved out the next morning, and I've been off and running since.
Dang.
That's it.
You said, look, I'm going to make my own choice for me.
Why didn't you make that choice, though?
Was there something about it?
It's just that wasn't in your DNA to say, I'm going to provide that for you
ladies?
No.
First of all, that was my first wife's mother.
Oh, I didn't realize it.
My first wife and I are really still cool.
And that's my oldest daughter's mother.
Oh, I didn't realize.
Yeah, I think I missed the beat of the story.
Yeah, nah, first ex-wife's mother.
Oof.
And yes, my daughter knows.
Yeah.
My ex-mother-in-law and I, we have survived that.
Mm-hmm.
We don't even think about that no more.
Oh, that's a speed bump, man.
Was she using at the time or something?
Well, we're all potheads.
Yeah, okay.
So you never know.
Somebody gets a little bit high, you don't know who you fucking.
Man, dog, not me.
Oh, yeah, you're right about that, bro.
Tight shit, boy.
You're right about that, bro.
No, because I knew you'll see things like that will surface back later.
And my daughter might have resented that.
You made the choice that you had to make as a man.
Yeah.
All right, so you're down there in Charlotte.
You end up down there.
You head down there.
You live with your ex-wife, her mother.
Briefly.
And stuff gets a little wild down there.
And you're like, man, I got to get back out in the world.
This ain't the spot for me.
Yes.
Was that it?
And is that when you started chauffeuring down there in Charlotte?
When did you get behind the wheel, big dog?
I started chauffeuring in 99.
As a result, I was driving a truck on a highway one day going to Raleigh.
And a guy in an SUV kept riding next to me trying to get my attention.
Coming from the Bronx, with that Bronx mentality, I'm thinking it's a hijacking.
So I started dipping the truck towards his SUV.
And then the window lowered down.
And he said to me, he wanted to talk to me about a driving job.
We got off the next exit.
His name was Shane.
He was from Miami.
And he told me that he needed a driver for his stretch navigator.
I had never driven a limo before.
I decided to take the opportunity.
And it gave me a feeling, man.
And I've never looked back.
I mean, every guy wants to look good driving a nice car, burning somebody else's
gas.
And getting paid for it.
Woo!
And I really enjoy it.
I mean, it is me now.
Oh, when you pull up, I was like, this is a...
It was just part...
It was just ensemble, bro.
Yes.
It wasn't like I was going with you.
You were taking...
It was like, this is an adventure.
You are welcome to Stan-ganistan, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what it felt like.
I enjoyed myself that particular evening.
Oh, we had a great time, man.
What are some of the things with chauffeuring?
Do you have a code of ethics and conduct?
What are some things you have to remember as a chauffeur?
What I have to remember is, as a chauffeur, first of all, it's not about you as
a driver.
Your job is to make sure that your guests have a good night.
They enjoy themselves.
Safe driving.
Great customer service.
You know, make sure they enjoy themselves.
You know, if you have a sprinter, make sure they know how to, you know, work
the music, the AC.
You have to do a lot of ear hustling.
You know, if you hear the women say something like, somebody has to go to the
bathroom, you're supposed to hit them.
Hey, listen, group.
We're going to make a stop because I have to go to the bathroom.
If you hear them say something like, they're running out of beer or they need
some more soda or water, then that's when I'll hit them with, hey, y'all,
listen, I'm going to stop at a convenience store because I need a Mountain Dew.
I see.
Put it on you.
Bingo.
You know, you always have to try to stay a step ahead of them.
Make sure that wherever the venue is that they're going is safe for them.
You have that responsibility.
And if you have women, and I'm a male driver, I make sure that them women are
safe.
I have seven sisters.
But that particular evening that I have those ladies, they are my sisters and
my daughters.
Yeah, because people don't know, like, when they're getting in with a driver,
what their mentality is, you know?
What are some of the worst things that, like, passengers can do, kind of, man?
What's the type of shit that?
Throw up.
Throw up in my vehicle.
And what are you talking about, vomit?
Yes.
From being excessively drunk.
Yeah.
You know, I had a guy one night, he's hanging out the window throwing up, and
then I was in Charlotte, and he asked me to pull over.
I pulled over, let him throw up.
Another time, I had a group that I was taking down to Orangeburg in the Sprinter
on a Monday.
No, excuse me, it might have been about a Tuesday morning.
I won't say the name of the organization.
And the guy started screaming, hey, Stan, stop, stop.
I pulled over on I-26 and let this guy, Earl, out the window.
And he was vomiting?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But things that I detest are somebody that's too drunk because you can't
rationale with them.
You can't reason with them.
And then normally when somebody has been drinking a whole lot, the evening is
going to go downhill.
Amen.
Every time.
I mean, that's a given no matter what's going on.
Yes.
And you ever have anybody try to get them out there to hustle to get a bag or
something, get a little bag of dope or something like that?
I mean, does that happen?
I'm sure people ask that kind of shit all the time.
Well, people ask as a driver, especially out-of-towners, do you know where they
could get such and such?
And what they're looking for usually, you think?
Normally, somebody might want either a little cocaine.
Yeah.
And my thing is, I don't know anything, you know?
I mean, you never know whether they're an undercover agent or what.
Plus, also, my boss would really be let down if that happened, you know, in our
vehicles.
Oh, for sure.
You also don't know if they're a little bitch and they can't handle their
cocaine.
Boom.
Boom.
That's right.
That's true.
That's the truth, boy.
That's true.
So that's the kind of thing, like, because, yeah, sometimes people don't think,
like, when they go do something, like, they meet up with a chauffeur.
You have a responsibility as a passenger as well, right?
Yes, they do.
And people just, you know, like, I think that's just about life.
People think just because somebody's providing a service doesn't mean that you
don't start to be a human being, you know, in that instances and take care of
yourself.
Have you ever had a spot where, like, what, I'm sure this happens a lot where a
couple wants to make out or make a little bit of sex.
Sex is something.
Brother, it happens.
And what do you got to do?
You got to stay in the car and put your ears like that?
Or what do you all do?
Okay.
It's happened more than you think.
The first time it happened, I was in a stretch limo, and I heard some kind of
weird noise, and I had the partition up.
I went to lower the partition to see what was going on in the back, and as the
partition began coming down, I started trying to push it back up.
I didn't want to see it.
Her legs was in the air.
My man was pile driving.
You know, about two or three months ago, I was in the sprinter, and I had some
newlyweds.
They were in Colombia outside of a little bar or something.
Their wedding party was in the bar.
They came out and got into the sprinter.
I thought the wedding party was coming out behind them.
I felt the sprinter rocking to the side, and I went to look into the back.
I saw what was going on.
I got out the sprinter, and I went into the bar to go see whether or not the
wedding party was coming out.
They told me, nah, that time is for them.
I gave them about 10, 15 minutes.
Then I knocked on the sprinter.
Hey, I'm about to take you all home.
When I took them home, knocked on the door, they were just getting dressed.
It happens, brother.
Yeah.
So when you knock on that sprinter door, is it a hard knock like a cop,
or is it something kind of chill?
Because you know what I'm saying?
You still have a responsibility.
You got to make sure everybody...
No, it's a soft knock just to let them know, hey, listen, I'm about to check on
y'all
or we're about to get moving.
I mean, you already know what's going on.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, honestly, that's why people rent limos and sprinters, man.
Uh-uh.
You'd be surprised, man.
Damn.
Oh, dude, I do remember just now, actually, I ended up getting a BJ out there
and...
See?
Yeah, I forgot about that.
Thank you.
Actually, thank you.
I never would have remembered it.
I ended up getting a BJ out there from some girl.
I think she was like a lieutenant, uh, like third lieutenant.
Um, I don't know what was happening to her.
She, I think she wa