Name: Free Magic | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #631
Uploaded: 2025-12-24T13:01:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Free Magic | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #631' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Free Magic | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #631' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-24. Transcript available.

Free Magic | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #631

Good day, good week, holiday, Christmas.
Merry Christmas to everyone who is alive, I guess, at a good start, you know,
because, yeah.
And ghosts, I guess, if there's some ghost.
Ghosts, I guess, do they celebrate things like that?
I guess they do.
Yeah.
I wonder if it's fun celebrating something if you're a ghost or not.
Like, I wonder if you have a lot of friends if you're a ghost.
Because a lot of times people see one ghost.
They'll be like, oh, we caught, you know, somebody saw this ghost or whatever.
He was hiding behind a tree or something.
He was just being scared, you know.
You know, like, ooh, just doing vowels or whatever.
It's just, ooh, you know.
But they never, like, oh, yeah, we saw some ghosts, some dope-ass ghosts.
That were just fucking bawling.
That were hooping or something.
Or just like, yeah, we saw some ghosts.
They were vaping and, you know, laughing together.
And maybe splitting a brownie or something.
Or just doing, like, something fun.
Like, yeah, I don't know.
I never really thought about that.
What are...
Yeah, so I don't, yeah.
Anyway, doesn't matter.
All that matters is the spirit.
The spirit of Christmas.
That's what's going on right now.
It's that time you hear the music.
That's what gets me into it, you know.
They say it's Christmas.
They say it's Christmas.
Now, a lot of the radio channels now, it's, like, very Latino, you know.
It's, like, um...
They say the newborn king...
And then you'll have one.
They say the newborn king...
That's what's up, bro.
Last night, we let the liquor talk.
But, yeah, I love the Christmas...
The Christmas...
The energy.
That's what I got to embrace.
You know, see somebody and you just...
Just give them a little hug.
Or if they don't like you to hug them, I'll do this sometimes.
I still take two hands, tap them on the shoulder like that.
Give them that little penguin hug.
That little...
That little perverted butterfly hug.
Just...
Just let them...
Some people don't like a damn hug.
Some people don't like a hug.
And sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I'm a cactus.
Don't touch me.
But sometimes...
I just want a...
I just...
I just want a hug.
I won't ask for a hug, though.
That's who I am.
I ain't no ho.
You feel me?
Ho, ho, ho.
Sorry.
I know Santa gets offended if you say, I ain't no ho.
Because that's his thing.
But...
Yeah, you know.
I won't ask for a hug.
I'll stand by you and look like I need a hug.
Or do some shit...
Or just do some shit like this, you know.
What's up?
Ba-rum-ba-bum-bum.
But I won't be the one to ask for a hug.
But I won't be the one to ask for a hug.
But I'll need a hug.
But I won't ask for a hug.
Now, I'll stand by you like...
You know, I'll loiter.
I'll loiter right around your arms and chest.
But I won't ask for that hug.
But I need it.
But I won't ask for it.
So that's kind of who I am.
Let's listen to a little music to get us in the spirit.
And then we're just going to get into some calls from you guys.
And thank you so much for just letting us be together right now.
That's really nice.
Here we go right here.
This is some sounds we like to check out every year.
And this is Christmas Miracle by One Man Quartet.
This is like night time, kind of.
There's a candle, maybe.
This is Santa.
We're waiting for Santa.
Everything's out and the kids are asleep.
This is kind of just the ambiance that's in the energy downstairs.
If you sneak downstairs and look at the tree.
That was the most fun.
That was the most fun.
As a kid was sneaking down there and looking.
You'd be like, oh, is he here yet?
And you knew he wasn't there.
It was just like 10.30 at night, Christmas Eve.
And you'd go down there.
And my siblings would all, like, we had to come down the stairs and then go,
like, around the edge of the wall.
And then you could kind of see the living room and stuff.
There was still, like, a little dinner table.
But then you could see the living room.
And, yeah, that was just like, is he here?
Did he come?
And we would all kind of, like, bottleneck at the bottom of the stairs in our
pajamas and shit.
And we would, like, we would be like, no, you're not going.
You're not going.
And our sisters, they were little.
So they were like, fuck.
You know, they didn't have any rights or whatever at the time because they were
women also.
And so we had to, like, you're not going.
We'll tell you what we see.
You know, and they're like, tell us what you see.
And then we'd sneak around.
And then once we got around, my brother was older than me.
So then he took jurisdiction.
You know, but he also had bad eyesight.
He was born.
I think he didn't have his levels in his eyes were off.
He had, you know, he didn't have enough water in his eyes or something.
So he'd have to fucking, you know, he'd have to splash water in his fucking
eyes every 40 minutes.
So he could even get a gander at anything.
Shit, I remember at his birthday, he'd miss the candles if he didn't rub a
little bit of water in his eyes just to kind of.
You know, sometimes if you, if you heat up some, if you heat up some leftovers,
like I'll drip a little water on them.
That's how, that's me.
I'll crack open a leftover if it's in a container.
I'll pour, you know, about an 11th of a cup of water on that.
Whatever.
I don't care what it is.
Lasagna, piece of bread, whatever, whatever's going on.
You know, hint of, hint of spice, hint of tomato.
I will pour, I'll just drip that bitch out.
And then put it in the micro and bam.
But that was like my brother.
If he, if we didn't, you know, if mom didn't spray a little bit of water in his
eyes right before he blew out the candles on his birthday cake, he'd miss that
bitch.
He'd just be spraying.
He'd spray just, just be spraying a cold right out of another distance, miss
the whole cake.
But anyway, so at that point, you know, we, my brother would be like, and once
it, once we turned the corner of the stairs, it was me and him.
So my sisters were like at the back and, and they didn't know shit and they
only knew what we told them and we lied to them because we were family.
And so we would go and have to get closer to the tree and sneak up and my mom's
bedroom was right off of the living room.
And so we had to be quiet and the carpet was kind of wet because our apartment
was sinking a little bit, like by the kitchen area.
And so you fucking bro, your knees would start getting all wet, you know, but
it helped my brother because he could just put his hands into the carpet and
then rub them into his eyes and activate those bitches.
So we would get closer and be like, is he here, is he here?
And then we would just see, we would see the tree and the lights and it would
just kind of look like it had during the daytime a little bit, like definitely
more mysterious and nighttimey and the stockings.
And it was all just kind of magical.
It was just like a thing of like possibility, you know, what were we going to
get?
What was going to happen tomorrow?
Everything was going to be great.
Something new was coming, you know, it was just, yeah, there was just, I don't
know.
There was just something just so magical about that scenario.
And I remember we had the colored lights on the Christmas tree and I didn't
really like them.
They looked a little cheesy.
I thought sometimes, but at this time at night, it just looked kind of nice.
And the stockings just hang in there.
And he'd be like, oh, we'd have to just, oh, go back, go back.
My brother would be like, go back, you little or whatever.
And I'm like, what?
And we'd be like, what did you see?
We'd be like, fuck you.
You don't know shit.
Because, yeah, we just had the kind of family we were.
But, yeah, there was just something beautiful about it.
But, no, we'd be like, he's not here.
Or sometimes we would do this.
Yes, all the gifts are out there.
He already came.
But you guys have to go to bed.
We would kind of take this superior role with a lie.
He'd be like, he already came, but you guys have to go to bed.
Or, maybe he's not coming.
I don't know.
We're one of y'all bad this year.
What have you guys been doing?
Who's been showing their tits or whatever out on the street?
Right by the highway.
Because we did live by a highway.
Right next to that bitch.
Like, if your hair was wet in the morning, you could put it right outside.
Like, hanging out the window at the apartment.
And in the morning, you know, that was high traffic time.
And if enough semis went by, the wind would whip up and just dry your shit
right into a beautiful look.
God, you'd look good.
And people were like, what do you have in your head?
You're like, fucking 18 speed.
You know?
I got a damn Mac.
I got, oh, just new winds off a Mac truck.
So, but that was fun, man.
That was a good time.
And that music reminds me of that a little bit.
God, those memories were nice.
You know, memories are so nice because it can really take you into a place.
Oh, this is another, this is another song.
This is hip-hop ready for Christmas.
Let's listen to a little bit of this.
Okay.
Type shit.
Okay.
Okay.
This one, Christmas, is going to get a little bit black.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Santa pulling up.
Hey.
This is the kind of look like, say if you're a white guy and you see it, you're
in high
school and you see your sister talking to, flirting with a black guy and you're
okay with it.
This is the kind of music that backs that up.
Like, all right.
Okay.
Go ahead, Allison.
She doing her shit.
So that's that kind of, that's a Christmas beat right there.
I feel like that kind of fits, you know?
Yeah.
If you see your sister flirting with the black guys at school and you're okay
with it.
That's that heartbeat right there.
That black heartbeat.
Dude, you ever heard a black heartbeat?
That shit, it's different, bro.
Go put your ear up to a black guy's chest, dude, which I know sounds very
dangerous, right?
Overall, it's, yeah.
Black, they're not going to welcome that.
They're not, they're not going to do it.
You know, a lot of them turn, turn into that guy.
Who's that guy on, uh, that plays for Golden State or whatever that always beat
people in
the media, acted like it was okay all the time.
He would just punch white dudes.
Yeah.
Draymond?
Yes.
Yes.
That dude.
That, yeah, which shit seemed hella racial to me, but, um, but yeah, that dude
that was
always, he, I think he did hit a mixed guy also, but, um, yeah.
So I'm just saying some guys, you can put your ear up to their chest.
They'll be, they might be okay with it.
Some guys might get Draymond on you.
Uh, but I think a black heartbeat is different.
And this shit got drums.
It got probably some 808s, trap beat.
Like if you ever go to a doctor's office and he puts the stethoscope and he
puts it up
to a black guy's heart, he'll listen sometimes for 20 minutes.
There's different tracks.
There's fucking, you'll have somebody feature on somebody's heartbeat.
You're like, holy shit, this heartbeat has, there's a, you know, there's little
dirks on it.
You know, this is, there's a young boy and a Bailey Zimmerman.
Like what's going on?
So, uh, like, damn, holy shit.
What do you, you got some big X the plug in you.
So there's that, that happens where, oh, the white heartbeat is just like, but
that black
heartbeat, that shit's got, it's got symbols.
It's got, um, it's just got different, you know, it's got different level.
They got a horn section, that shit's trapping, bro.
So that's what I'm saying, bro.
This shit has a little bit of that black heartbeat vibe right here.
Yui, Yui, see ya, see ya.
Yui, Yui.
So there we go, a little bit more Christmas music right there, getting into it.
We did have some calls that came in.
The hotline is always 985-664-9503.
And we had talked about some things.
In the last episode, we'd spoken about, you know, people doing different
challenges.
There was a Movember, where you grow out a mustache for, uh, epilepsy or
whatever.
I can't remember.
Um, or there was 6 shit, uh, June or whatever.
What was it?
16 shit June?
Yeah.
16 shit June, where people w