Name: BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025
Uploaded: 2025-12-31T15:40:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-31. Transcript available.

BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025

uh that's what this is called this past weekend yeah how'd you come up with
that because i just
started on a monday to be honest that's good what about bill cosby you ever get
to meet him or not
before you had all the problems is being a rapist one of the problems sorry
you said it like before he got scurvy
hey theo uh my name is actually uh theo as well oh hello theo good to meet the
others onward
i got a situation here i've been talking to this girl for like two years and it
turns out i got her
pregnant after that all happened the word got around and somehow it turns out
that she's my first cousin
any advice would help and uh thank you so much
wow dang brother that's uh oh that's you're gonna be raising a dang lizard homie
you can't um
wow brother good golly that's like shooting fish in a
family or whatever i don't know i mean i haven't looked at a chart recently i
don't know
the um the genetic legalities of that but it do yeah i mean they say you know
don't pee where
or don't eat where you're don't
piss where your family is or whatever whatever whatever that old saying is dude
you i feel like
you've gone past that at this point and um god that thing's gonna have you're
gonna need um
yeah you're gonna need a uh farrier to come and put shoes on that thing i'm
just chirping you
i'm just chirping you dude i look i feel you i look it's having a child with a
cousin i think
at the very least it's gonna need glasses they still have prostitutes that work
the streets
do they yeah not you don't have to anymore there's just some good we're street
walkers still in america
can you pull that up please because i've been looking i've told my friends
before i don't get
laid much uh that's just a fact about me but um i told my friends just surprise
me with a hooker one
day and don't tell me it's a hooker a male hooker a male hooker they exist i'm
not sure i think that
they yeah definitely i mean there's like italian guys if that's what you're
talking about um but
you know some women they say oh it's so easy for a woman to get laid they can
have whoever they
want not that's not true there are some of us that are really hard time really
i know a lot i
feel like i could name at least five or six guys that would definitely make
love to you that i know
firsthand oh wow i've seen in the past two weeks you know wow and you've got
some cool pals
or just you know like i i mean because yeah i don't even yeah but it's like
what am i even
talking about is that a crazy thing no no no it's great to hear actually that
just gave me a little
bit of a boost dude yeah are you kidding me man i know some people that would
definitely probably
knock you up even hell yeah you have a lot you have a decent amount of children
yeah a lot 85.
you have 85 so is that your goal yeah yeah well you gotta get that's my goal
but then also the people
i've had kids with we were all on one accord what does that mean i only dated
women that were athletic
i'm not having kids just to just to have kids oh so do you have some strategy
yeah there was
strategy behind mine i don't care about you being a bad bitch i don't care
about you being on ig with
your ass out i don't know i mean that's fine whatever you need to do to to feel
better about
yourself that i'm fine with that but i needed and only dated women that were
athletic so my kids had
a head start on that foundation of athletic ability and i only date women that
already have kids
hmm you can get it you can take that kid off to the sides hey man because i
mean for me dating a
woman with no kids they never have food at home yeah they always want to go out
to eat
yeah oh yeah you know what it's like no thief i don't know if you experience
this like you know
what it's like to have sex with someone that has kids and wake up at 3 3 30 in
the morning get a
capri sun that's good oh oh bro that's amazing bro i make with half a mouthful
of lunchable i'll
make love all night see that's what i'm talking about that's who i am boy i
mean it's like losing your
virginity to pamela anderson well that's a bad that's a dated who's the new hot
lady um who is
it now oprah no it's uh rihanna who do the kids like oh uh sydney sweeney that's
a good one look at
the tits on dickless god oh wow holy hachi machi she seemed like a beautiful
young lady huh very
attractive she just got uh separated from her husband oh hey you're in that's
slurp lord i thought
about sending her a message but i don't know what i would say hey say nice yams
bitch oh yeah that's
true dude i think she's she wants that no one talks to her like that anymore so
it'd probably turn her
on you think oh i'll definitely say something about that vegetation yeah she's
got some crop circles
you want to hear some some wild data on homosexuality yeah hormones okay so
years ago when i was a graduate
student at berkeley i was part of a study i wasn't the main author that looked
at finger length ratios
and homosexuality in men and women and how much testosterone was in utero now i
don't want anyone
to freak out and just start staring at their fingers but because it has to be
measured correctly all
right all right so so if you hold if you hold up your right hand like i'm
holding up my right hand
my ring finger here is a little bit longer than my pointer finger okay which
one's ring finger yeah so
uh but turn it the other way around for me yeah okay so your ring finger is a
little bit longer than
your pointer finger yeah okay that is the typical heterosexual male pattern
okay now people are going
to be like this is listen this has been replicated more than five times in
humans okay if you look at
gay men men men that identify as gay they're they're very few men that identify
as bisexual actually but
if you look gay gay men that difference is much more pronounced much bigger
they have a hyper male pattern
now it can't be due to behavior right you could say well they're having sex
with a lot more people
sex increases testosterone no it's directly related to how much testosterone
you were exposed to in utero
when you were in your mommy's belly now can you get exposed to testosterone in
your mom's belly if
someone ejaculates into the mom uh that hasn't been looked at but um i don't
think so there's a lot to
talk about yeah so yeah you can put that hand down so ever since like how
people call me a lesbian
or whatever like because your looks or whatever yes because it happens to me
sometimes too some lady the
other day said is that a wig on your head but but the doctor made an assumption
at birth because i had
one kidney and the way my face looked and assumed and told my parents that i
would like there was a
high percentage chance that i was down syndrome yeah what do you mean yeah dude
i'll tell you this i
heard that frederick douglas um i heard frederick douglas was gay and i'll tell
you who told you huh
i've heard it from almost probably almost 15 people i've heard it from four
people where do you go to find
uh the people who tell you that frederick douglas is gay at least you know look
i'll tell you this you
must hang out more interesting places it wasn't white people that told me
really so okay out of the
gate i am giving a little bit more credibility and that's why he wanted to free
all those men because
he was having trouble meeting anybody it's right because everybody was at work
that's you know i'm
gonna talk i'm gonna talk jd vance congratulations dude you stand there like
this but you still flex right
keep the stomach in and you keep the abs flexed and the calves flexed the biceps
and the tricer flex so
that was the idea and i was always having great joy with that but then you wait
for the for the
individual posing so then you come out one after the next you do a three minute
posing routine and
what's the tricks there is there any trick of the trade a last minute thing you
used you would like
pinch your pinch your tits or just rub some just like molasses in your land
like was there what what
was like a last minute thing people would do put ice under your arms or
something no i i think the
key thing is just that you when you go there that you're so ready that you don't
shake you how many
bodybuilders i'm sure you've seen it they hit a shot and then they they were
after after a few seconds
they start shaking oh so that's bad well for that level i mean it's natural
when you have a mr venice
speech competition yeah mr montgomery alabama yeah you know so that's that that's
what it is so it's all
about uh the seven p's you know the seven p's proper prior planning prevents
pissed poor performance
right in the marines they have that proper prior planning prevents his poor
performance exactly so
that's what it's about it's the same there you come prepared you know that's
always a war of temptation
in your mind there's always going to be that there there's always going to be
smelling zones oh i'll
hit it oh my god this is so strong already oh feel a little of that god let me
know the difference is
you know what the difference is this one i kept this on it oh i didn't even
realize i was doing it
but i kept that on it and that it was sealed i'll lay on my back and 69 this
thing brother
it's already gonna be strong joe quiet don't look at me when i do it hit it hit
it
i didn't get enough you didn't get enough no you didn't inhale you got scared
you missed you're right
oh my god oh my god no no you don't do that you don't do that what you just did
scared everywhere
i'm sweating i'm sweating too because of that sorry how are you are you okay
bro you just changed
timelines because of you justin trudeau resigned first i want to talk a little
bit more about race
and race baiting okay um cross-racial behaviors right here uh this is a clip
that of a white male
let's see um that drewski put together okay
i think this is a jason kelsey impersonation look at this
cedar point
hey what is this dude sure about that do you think right that kind of racism
happens that much
really or this is more like in movies type i mean look dude i live in new york
so i don't know what
it's like in the south but i know racism exists i also know that it's kept
alive by the media and the
internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much
profit off it that you're
like but i mean i think that's fine i mean drewski doing that is just like a
good bit but i should be
able to then fully dress black now my question is there was said that there was
a prize where whoever
won it got to say the n-word one time is that true or not i heard that yes okay
because i feel like
everybody in their life have said the word you said it rapping the song it's a
party bro everyone said
it and kids even tom brady one time told me man my son was asking me about it
because it's the curious
thing is like you put power on the word like don't say that because but words
could mean whatever you
want them to mean it's it's all about how you take it interpreting within
yourself oh yeah if you
say i'm your favorite it's like yeah i'm your favorite black guy you know what
i'm saying if i say you're my
nigga that mean like you're my god like you're my brother if somebody says it
to if a black fellow
says that to me i feel pretty good for you like you're my like i with you like
we genuinely
have a bond that i care about you i feel like okay you know what i'm saying let's
do it i'm gonna buy
some jays you know i'm ready to do this but now was is there why don't black
people lease the n-word
out to be said like at a certain event or something there could be a lot of
money in that is that crazy
to say that i feel like just how you use it you know sometimes oh i agree i don't
mean using a
derogatory way but say like tonight they had like angelina jolie was paying 50
bands to say it right
on you on a on a live stream that'd be cool and you sold you would want to see
how she said so that's the
thing and this is saying like she has slaves or she said right right because i
might be a white girl
but lik