Name: Ep. 207 - Piss of Penus
Uploaded: 2020-05-14T00:51:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep. 207 - Piss of Penus' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep. 207 - Piss of Penus' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-14. Transcript available.

Ep. 207 - Piss of Penus

Is that better?
You sound like you're coming through a fucking drive-thru.
Really?
What if I'm farther back from the mic?
I guess it's a little better.
Check.
Is that better?
No.
It's a little better.
Check, check.
It's a little better, but your dick is small, to be clear.
Why does it sound bad?
Did you drop it?
No.
Check, check.
Yeah, that's better.
You turn the gain down, maybe?
I turn the gain down.
Nice.
Okay.
Yeah, for some reason it was turned up.
I don't know why.
All right.
This is your little fucking prick.
Oh, shit.
You got FUD workers on the head end, FUD workers in the background, Nick?
Yeah.
Big respect.
This is the kind of shit we should be doing before exactly 3 p.m.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For not only future reference, but also past reference.
Literally the last show we did.
Yeah.
When we said-
It was agreed.
Yeah.
Let's try to get this going by.
Make sure everything's good to go by 2.55.
It was a five-minute window was all you had to-
Maybe try 2.53 next time.
No, no, no.
2.55 is fine, I think.
Yeah.
I understand.
It's Rosh Hashanah.
There's other things going on.
We're constantly doing different Rosh Hashanahs.
Yeah.
Rosh Hashanah.
Does anyone say it like that?
It's Rosh Hashanah.
Rosh Hashanah.
Yeah.
Rosh Hashanah.
Rosh Hashanah.
What's Rosh Hashanah?
The Day of Atonement?
No, it's the New Year.
Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement.
15% off.
Passover is 25% off.
Yeah, nice.
It's like different tags at a thrift store.
Yeah.
Passover is the day that Circuit City went out of business and they did an 80%
off liquid.
Rosh Hashanah was the holy day of sticks and stuff liquidating.
Wow.
What's that?
A furniture?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That's where Moses got all the stuff for the fucking little shit with the ram.
What's that shit called?
The Shofar?
No, not the Shofar.
Didn't he have like a treasure chest?
Yeah, he did.
Yeah, he had a tabernacle.
What was in that motherfucker?
What was in the treasure chest?
I don't know, some gold.
They made him carry it around for 40 years in the desert.
Yeah, well, he was just in the desert.
Did you guys notice I trimmed my mustache?
Did you?
You can see my mouth now.
Oh, I guess that's true.
Oh, yeah, you do.
Yeah, you look better.
I trimmed the whole eating area.
I shoved all my hair in my mouth and then I just used the razor to cut it out
and then I spit all the hair out.
That's fucking gross.
That's how you have to do it.
Yeah, it's weird.
It looks, your face looks better, but now the bottom looks like it's all out of
place.
Well, it's because it's all frayed.
You got to put some oils in there, daddy.
I don't know that shit.
I slept three hours last night.
Shit, what were you up to?
I don't know.
I just woke up.
You want some manic shit?
You've been working on shirt ideas.
No, no.
I just didn't sleep well.
I'm not sleeping either.
It sucks.
I get up at like five every day.
Talking about me.
Okay, I thought we were sharing.
We were discussing mine.
What else is going on with me?
It was rude of me.
Yeah.
I had breakfast this morning.
That's awesome.
Adam, coffee down, please.
Come on.
I'm trying to listen to what Nick had for breakfast, Adam.
That's true.
I'm going to talk about Fuddruckers here.
I was making Fuddruckers at home for breakfast, and I hurt myself.
I haven't been sleeping well.
I hurt one of my balls making Fuddruckers at home.
Hello, police.
Police?
Police, I've hurt one of my balls making Fuddruckers.
One of my testicles has been stuck in a cast iron skillet.
Police, send your best man over here.
I need essential workers to come here immediately.
I've hurt one of my balls making Fuddruckers at home.
I was trying to make an ostrich fatty, like I was from Fuddruckers,
and it was so dried out, I threw it on the ground.
I was, like most people in quarantine, I was missing my American right,
my constitutional right to access Fuddruckers.
Thomas Jefferson said, I shall visit the salad bar unmolested.
Absolutely.
That's true.
I'm about to molest Sally.
I'm about to get some pussy from Sally and then go to the Constitution is that
you're not allowed to be molested.
Dude, I love doing shit unmolested.
Yeah.
I hate when I'm trying to do my American rights and then someone puts a thumb
in my ass.
Uh-huh.
When I'm trying to stop a British guy from being courted in my house.
Yeah.
And then somebody, and then fucking the government puts a thumb in my ass molesting
me.
That's so annoying.
Even Franklin had his asshole licked by an older gentleman when he was eight.
That's why you had to invent stuff.
That's why he's such a fucking freak.
Yeah.
That's why he was like, fuck this shit.
I'm going to kill myself with a kite.
So he was mad.
He was trying to get electrocuted so hard he wasn't going to be gay anymore for
being molested.
Yeah.
I'm going to put the stove in the middle of the living room to kill myself.
And then it didn't work.
But it just warmed his house.
Warmed his house.
I'm about to make milk punch to kill myself with milk and fucking booze at the
same time.
He's poured all of the wine in his house and the glasses and set up a pulley
system so you can drink all the wine at once.
And then somebody came over and they're like, what's that?
He's like, oh, it's my new piano.
Yeah.
Like, that's not a piano.
It's 35 glasses of wine.
He's like, yeah, no, it's an instrument.
Oh, yeah, watch this.
Woo, woo, bitch.
In 15 years, 100 years from now, everybody's going to be playing this thing.
Of course, it's a musical instrument.
You guys don't know who Prince is, but a guy like that is going to love it.
No, I'm not drinking myself.
I'm not going to kill myself.
No, it has nothing to do with that thing I put in the Constitution about being
molested.
Just put that.
Hey, Ben, you keep saying at the end of every amendment you want it to not be
molested.
All the founding fathers are just putting their personal issues in there.
You shall have the right to bear arms and not have your penis ridiculed by your
wife.
I don't want any of these British faggots in my house.
That's rule number three.
No more British fags sleeping on my couch.
My roommate always has his British friends over.
I pay rent and I'm not having the using my Xbox.
I don't want them here.
Once, you know, maybe a weekend a month.
Sure.
But every day.
Yeah.
No British homos.
Isn't one of them that you can't you have to pay back a loan over $20 or some
bullshit?
I don't know.
I put that one in there.
Yeah.
One of them is really stupid.
That was Franklin Benjamin.
Yeah.
No, I'm a different guy.
I'm different.
I know.
I saw that.
I saw that there was a sign out front that said free luncheon.
And I always just see if my name happens to be on the list and pass by a free
luncheon.
And by chance it was.
My suggestion is that you have to you're not allowed to you have to pay your
lunch back.
Under $20.
I'd listen.
I'm not crazy.
$17.
Let bygones be bygones.
I'm not like one of those Jews.
Is it a dip for the crudite?
Is there any dip for it?
A ruby degree?
Can I take it home?
Who let this man in here?
Can I take some of the crudite dip home with me?
Take whatever you want.
Please leave.
How about we put a thing in here that says we have to give all our money to
Israel?
That doesn't exist yet.
Well, can we just remember that for later?
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
We haven't told you guys about that yet.
My fault.
We'll just put it in.
So when you read it backwards, it says you have to give all your money.
Oh, right.
We haven't orchestrated the Holocaust yet to get Israel yet.
Yes.
My fault.
The plan hasn't gone into effect.
It's going to be another 150 years.
I'm 150 years ahead.
My bad.
Franklin Benjamin.
Franklin Benjamin.
Sneaking his way in.
For one of those legendary free lunches when they wrote the Constitution.
You get a pint of Sam Adams.
And then you get some deli meats out.
And they got a sandwich from Jersey Mike's.
What was the spread back then, man?
At the Constitutional Convention?
Yeah.
Yeah, probably Meads.
Is this shit cut out for you, too, or is it just me?
No.
No, I hear.
No, it hasn't.
Okay.
Yeah, my internet died.
A lot of people don't know this, but my internet died right as we were
finishing the last ep.
Last episode.
Got it in just under the wire.
Through the wire.
We did the last episode.
And then Nick's internet cut off because he was downloading too much cell phone.
Yeah, it sucks.
Because it's like there's literally only one option for internet here.
And, I mean, it would almost be better if they just told you to go fuck
yourself.
Because it's like, you know, like, what are you going to do?
Not have the internet.
They got you so by the balls.
It's just.
I had a roommate that had a dispute with the internet company when I lived in D.C.
And they hung up on him because he was being too rude.
And we had to get cell phone internet.
We had to get, like, 4G signal into our basement apartment.
And it just never worked.
Because he refused to apologize to the cell phone company.
The cell phone or the internet company?
Sorry, the internet company.
Yeah.
We had to get, like, it was the worst internet in the world.
What did he say?
He called the lady a stupid cunt.
I was, like, in the room.
I was, like, give me the phone.
He's, like, you don't have to be such a fucking cunt about it.
You guys know this.
You guys have met this guy before.
That's so fucking funny.
Calling a lady a cunt.
He's, like, too proud to apologize to fucking Time Warner Cable or whatever.
I mean, they are the worst companies.
Yeah, for sure.
I want some fucking RCN.
They don't got that shit in Astoria.
They almost do.
All we have is Time Warner.
What is RCN?
It's some other cable shit.
I don't fucking know.
It works better?
That's what people say.
Yeah, my shit.
Yeah, I think where Nick and I live in Brooklyn is only Optimum.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just Optimum.
Damn, dude.
I'm over here drinking your little beet sludge, Nick.
Yeah, how is it?
Sorry, I had to respond to an email.
Not bad.
Very important email.
What was it?
I've been selected to participate in a survey.
Whoa, dude.
For real?
Top prize for being the best at the survey is a girlfriend from the Orient.
That's incredible, dude.
Is it the census?
As you know, I haven't been getting any pussy because of the quarantine.
Right, right, right.
The only reason is the quarantine.
It's, uh, yeah.
The girls don't like me because it's the quarantine.
They're worried about the coronavirus.
It's happening to a lot of kids.
Because they heard about all the pussy I used to get.
I probably got it from that, from all those girls.
I don't know about all that.
My philandering.
My philandering.
Right.
With no wife.
Yeah, my swashbuckling and philandering.
And so they're like, man, I wish I could come give pussy, but, you know,
everybody's quarantined by law.
And so, therefore, I just now I respond to spam emails.
So now you've got a survey that's usually sent out to guys who have.
Imagine is like some like 52-year-old man who's like new to computers just
responding pissed off to every single spam mail that's like, you must think I
was born yesterday.
Free of Ray-Ban sunglasses.
I'll have you know, I don't know you from Tom, Dick, or Harry, but I've worked
at fucking Batteries Plus for 25 years.
And if you think that a district manager of my caliber and esteem would fall
for, well, I got a Brooklyn Bridge to sell you, pal.
And let me tell you, this is a fucking robot.
Just emailing robots all day long.
A bridge would be nice to own.
I know that saying, I got a bridge to sell you, but wouldn't it be cool to own
a bridge?
Wow.
You could just fucking sit up there by yourself.
Nobody fucking, no one can cross.
You could get pussy for the girls on the bridge.
You could get pussy on the bridge.
Yeah, there's a lot of options.
You could get bridge pussy.
You could get bridge pussy.
You could bungee jump off it.
You'd have to deal with them damn trolls underneath the bridge.
Well, you get to shoot whatever troll under the bridge.
Dude, I wish I could shoot my trolls.
That's for da