Name: The Adam Friedland Show Episode 1 - Dan Soder
Uploaded: 2022-12-30T21:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Episode 1 - Dan Soder' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Episode 1 - Dan Soder' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-30. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Episode 1 - Dan Soder

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the future of late night talk radio or podcast
it's a live
talk show of late night talk and uh this is it um which this is the first one
we're gonna incorporate
a video we did it folks a video element so welcome welcome to the show welcome
hopefully uh
we've managed to do audio and video at the same time correctly this is uh we'll
go we'll go ahead
and we'll call this a premium or a test episode also this is episode 10 this is
test episode 10
and uh yeah so we're gonna go right into it because the emphasis is gonna be on
speed this time we're
going fast as hell we gotta go fast because you know we're on methamphetamines
we're wasting people
time is money yes this place costs thirty two thousand dollars a month so yes
you didn't tell
anytime you know none of that we got to cut this out so let's go welcome to the
show folks it's
august 1st 2016 what is it 2022 2022 yes uh and the monologue monologue and top
of the show are now
combined they're one thing because we don't have time for both and i didn't
really i don't really
think about it but they're kind of the same it's the same thing so we have a
celebrity guest today so
don't say that they'll find out okay all right it's going to be an assumption
that there's going
to be a guest no matter what well i take it back we don't think about it it
takes five seconds to
say there's going to be a guest yes what do you of course there's going to be a
guest it's a fucking
talk show yeah yeah so you're wasting we're wasting everybody you're now you're
wasting time
only to make a point okay i'm not going to make the point again okay it's not
going to be the next
episode and i'm not going to say hey make sure you don't say the thing about
all right copy delta
uh okay yes you got it go for adam go for adam adam go ladies and gentlemen
also to the camera we
got make sure stand up but i have to read fold the laptop oh my god okay
because imagine and then
you're going to have to memorize this so we're going to have a teleprompter
okay okay ladies and gentlemen
the date monday august 1st and this is the news president joe joseph robinette
biden has tested
positive for covet again in line with the president's habit of repeating
himself his doctor is referring
to it as a rebound case but many are wondering if perhaps
the virus has just picked up joe's stutter
hey folks i tested
negative negative positive
i'll get a biden impression by the time the real show starts
this guy makes porky the pig look like a elocution tutor is that right folks
the president's positive test follows a five-day course of paxlovid which is
the same drug dr anthony
fauci received a month ago before he experienced a rebound case these are two
these two are so synced
it makes you wonder if they're having their periods at the same time
speaking of menstrual cycles it seems
speaking of menstrual cycles
that's what i said
i thought you said speaking menstrual cycles
sorry go ahead
you're crying
i said speaking of
this is a million times better than usual
what do you mean
you're doing a great job
okay but okay fine
but the compliment makes me feel like i'm not actually
okay whatever
getting better it's progress
thank you
well they're seeing me grow
and that's why they're invested
that's what people want
they want a narrative
exactly growth
so you're doing
we're
and speaking of menstrual cycles
it seems like lifetime bitch
nancy pelosi
has decided to drag out her dried out prosciutto pussy
all over china's backyard
this isn't very center left though
huh
this isn't very like center left though
it's kind of more tucker
a little bit
oh i'm sorry
i thought we were going like mainstream left
i know a guy
i know a guy at tucker's show
and he sent all this over
okay sorry
folks
you know where our hearts are
just uh
i've been paying a guy at tucker 25 bucks
for their stuff before they get it
which guy
this guy tom
is he good
tom kress
kress muller
oh harvard guy
oh yeah
yeah yeah
all right
all right
back to the monologue
top of the top
okay
yeah go ahead
this isn't language i would choose
all right
so i'm gonna i'm gonna do tom's copy
okay
the 89 year old
uh dumb cunt
has planned a diplomatic mission to taiwan
and china
has made it clear
sorry my
the screensaver went on
and china has made it clear
that any such visit
will be met
with hostility
most grandmas
had to spend
the last couple years
dying quietly
in nursing homes
cut off from their families
but if you're the speaker of the house
i guess you get a free trip
to east asia
this is very tucker
i'm feeling
you know
well that's it's
that's where we got it
yeah i guess
okay
we got tucker's copy
before he did
this is hard to negotiate
i thought you'd be happy about that
i'm sorry
i thought we were going center left
on this
we are but for now
we didn't have a model
yeah i got you
i got you
i got you
it was 25 bucks
yeah yeah
well how much is tucker paying him
this place is 32,000 dollars
yeah we don't have a lot of budget
okay
yeah but the set looks great
we can agree on that
sure
okay
um
maybe we'll get lucky
her pants will fall off
and then
they'll confuse her
old worn out pussy
for that
of a dog's
assume she's a
an italian greyhound
and
put her foot
put her
in a big pot
with
come on man
and put her in a big pot
with some bok choy
and red onions
but
one can only hope
she sounds mean
well they'd eat
the taiwanese would eat
nancy pelosi
yeah i know what you're saying
because of her pussy
and they think she's a dog
because her pussy
looks like a dog
so
yeah
they mistake her for food
which asian people
the negative stereotype
that asian people
yeah
okay
tucker's gonna be mad
when we get to that one
before he does
well
all right
shout out tom
i guess i shouldn't have
said his name
i hope he doesn't get fired
uh well whatever
yeah
25 bucks is 25 bucks
sure
can you even imagine
how bad a war
with china
with china would be
and we'd get sucked
into it over
what
for this
for this shaky
gas bag
to show solidarity
with
some tiny
ethno-fascist
stronghold
taiwan
god damn bro
what
i mean she's a
i don't love her
but you know
it's pretty demeaning
i don't know
well
okay
we'll get
an indian woman
for the next one
i think that's a good call
i think that's a good call
to cover our asses
like yo
what's up playboy
yeah that's the kind of shit
that i want to do
y'all see the new
minions movie
girl
taiwan is its own country
to the same extent
nancy pelosi
has big tits
while it may be
technically correct
the technicality itself
is built
upon a disgusting
nightmare
reality
that betrays nature
history
and good taste
you can stretch
the sun damaged
collagen depleted
exoskeleton
of a dying witch
over some
synthetic bloat
and call it
a hooter
just as you
can expand
a brief moment
in a long
ongoing conflict
around a tiny
racist group
of han chinese
and call it
a country
damn bro
that's going hard
i kind of like that
actually
um
where am i
oh
but when you
look at the
whole picture
both are just
small unnatural
extensions
of a larger
more horrifying
mass
but maybe this
conflict is
inevitable
the propaganda
machine is
being fired up
we're ready
for another
big conflict
maybe that's
why the new
top gun
was so good
and it was
very good
much better
than the original
so
so good in fact
oh sorry
so good in fact
that it makes me
wonder if the
world war three
would even be
that bad
if it meant
faster faster
45 seconds
tops
would even be
that bad
if it meant
that sorry
don't worry about it
just keep going
just power through
it just makes me nervous
just power through
okay
so good in fact
that it makes me wonder
if world war three
would even be that bad
if it meant we got
10 to 15 more films
of its caliber
which brings us
to the topic for the day
war
and its cultural necessity
world peace is a
childish
dimwitted concept
it implies utopia
but world peace
would be impossible
without a fixed
immutable hierarchy
world peace
would necessarily
be
10 seconds
faster
world peace
would necessarily be
I didn't get a chance
to read the copy
faster faster faster
faster faster
okay world peace
would necessarily be
out of time for the
monologue
okay all right
that's all right
welcome to the show
today on the
adam friedland show
war
what is it good for
well a lot of things
okay
how was that
what do you think
that was very good
and you're down
but I'm slow
no we just got to
get it the monologue
has to be under
10 minutes
how long was I
going on that
that was 10 minutes
exactly we cut it
off but we don't
have time to
doddle I've got your
desk pieces here
did I look
we're gonna we're
gonna go through
these with the
guest
so uh
all right ladies
and gentlemen
the first guest
of the new
adam friedland show
from showtimes
dexter
everyone please
welcome dan
so dan comes in
we got music
great to see you
wow
oh wow
hey adam
hey
you're looking great
and well rested
oh man thanks
what a monologue
thank you
what do you think
of that
oh my god
take that
nancy pelosi
you and your big
tits
we're just trying
out like you know
the voice of the
product
you know
we're figuring it
out
it's nice to be
on hallowed ground
right now
because I feel like
from here out
you guys just build
up and outward
well this is
Lenape Indian
ground that we are
on right now
Lenape that's a
funny word adam
good one
what do you mean
you didn't think
that was a good
no I did
I'm not fucking
with you
no you said
it in a sarcastic
way
no I did not
that was an assist
he was pushing
you along
you don't say
that's a funny
word like that
it is because
if you had just
gone Native
American
it's like
that's sort of
just racist
that's where I
would go
but you said
Lenape
who says
Lenape
well smart guys
smart guys
I would have said
Cheyenne or Apache
oh yeah but not
not in Manahata
see
oh that's what
they used to
call Manhattan
that's what it
was called
before we took
it away from
this fucking guy
they're like yeah
this used to be
Kipps Bay
that's where my
people
we named it
I don't know
if you know
this but I'm
a big fan
of the Bronx
Bronx is actually
Indian
yeah my name's
Murray Featherface
I invented
Murray Hill
I invented
mine is
runs
runs from
train
yeah
mine's
dog pussy
grammar
good afternoon
my name is
dog pussy
grammar
I'm a medicine
man
I'm West Village
open asshole
I like how
like number
like so in
regular society
the job is
like you know
it's like
child pornographer
probably at the
bottom
yeah
and then
are you doing
a modern
totem pole
yeah maybe
western totem pole
child pornography
and then middle
is like
sanitation worker
and then top
is like
doctor
yeah
in Native American
culture
everyone's a
medicine guy
yeah everyone
they're mostly
doctors at the
bottom
everyone dabbles
in medicine
yeah
and then middle
they don't have
garbage men
they just
and anything
they don't make
garbage
and if anybody
they use all
they use everything
but also if anyone
doubts where you
got your medical
training you could
just say earth
and then they have
to believe you
yeah
that's the medical
school for all
shaman
yeah
is earth
yeah
yeah
what do you
mean by that
just they
they learn from
the roots
and the trees
and the berries
they can't be like
I went to
Johns Hopkins
and actually
majored
in spells
yeah
you have to be like
did you
you know
have you seen
the movie
concussion
with Will Smith
no but I want
to because he
does a terrible
African accent
he does a terrible
African accent
but I watched
it recently
and I couldn't
I can't really
tell like
if the movie's
like
if it's
even like
you know
because the guy
is like an
African immigrant
but they don't
really seem to
care or address
that and it's
almost in some
ways where it's
like
why are you
yeah it's also
like you're
kind of
it's like
they're not
like
and
and the
struggle he
faced as an
immigrant to
get people to
believe him
like they sort
of barely
touch on it
but then at
one point
like
I guess
the chief
physician for
the NFL
the guy
who's like
their
cigarette doctor
he's like
there's no
cancers
as I told
your father
Philip Ann
Morris
yeah at some
point in the
movie W