Name: The Dracula Interview | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-01-16T21:06:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Dracula Interview | The Adam Friedland Show' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Dracula Interview | The Adam Friedland Show' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-16. Transcript available.

The Dracula Interview | The Adam Friedland Show

So I'll tell you what, I already got a guest planned for you.
You got a guest?
You're going to love it.
It's going to be a great guest.
So you get out there.
I'm going to take off, and it's all you from here on out.
Okay.
I'll try.
I won't let you down.
Yep.
Okay.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight, you know him, you love him, Dracula.
Good to see you, folks.
Thanks.
Did you put those on?
I feel like I'm back from the dead.
What, I got the headphones?
Yeah.
Oh, here I am.
Just like we used to do in the old neighborhood.
Yeah, Israel.
Israel.
Yeah, that's true.
No, Transylvania.
Transylvania.
Transylvania.
We got a lot of new visitors to Transylvania because it's kind of a deceptive
name.
Yeah, yeah.
They're not very welcome.
That must be pretty confusing.
I know.
You know.
I mean, a lot of my guys, you know, the guys I hang out with in Transylvania,
they're
not too happy with the tourism industry these days.
It's confusing.
But I tell them, it's like, imagine if you were a racist redneck and you lived
in fucking
black peopleville, Georgia.
That's right.
And somebody, and you know, a couple of the Johnsons and Simmons are planning a
family
vacation.
No, they wouldn't like that.
A family reunion.
They wouldn't like that.
They'll say, well, why don't we go here?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Very confusing.
That's right there in the name.
We'll go here.
Yeah.
And they show up and now you're mad.
Yeah.
Now you're mad.
It's true.
Yeah.
Oh, well, it's good to be here.
Do you mind if I put these on?
Yeah.
Oh, absolutely.
Go ahead.
It's a little bright in here for me.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
I am the Prince of Darkness.
That's what they say, right?
After all.
Thanks for having me.
You look great.
I think you look good.
Oh, well, I don't know about that, but I don't want to, I mean, this is amazing.
These guys don't know.
I knew you back when you were, you were third Mike on a cum podcast.
Racist one.
Yeah.
That's what they say.
Yeah.
Now look at it.
You got your own goddamn show.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who'd you make a deal with to get here?
I think you know.
Maybe a friend of mine.
I think you know.
Maybe a friend of mine, folks.
How about that?
How about that?
Yeah.
Irvin, Irv, who's the guy, who's the Eagles?
What's the name of the manager for the Eagles?
The guy that, when Don Henley killed that girl.
Yeah.
I forget his name.
Irv.
I keep wanting, I want to say.
I plead the fifth.
I want to say Asimov.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's right.
Perhaps.
Yeah.
So it's been a while.
It's been, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Definitely.
I think the people have been wanting to hear from you, but you know, you've
been.
Now, am I the first guest on the show?
I think we had Dan Soder.
Have you seen Billions?
No.
No.
It's on Showtime.
No, I mostly read.
I don't have a TV.
What do you read?
Scrolls.
Scrolls.
Yeah.
Scrolls and, and letters, I guess.
Letters.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's written by, in quills and stuff like that, right?
In cursive?
Yeah.
Cursives.
Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I write in cursive, but I'm sort of a classic guy.
You are kind of an old school guy.
They don't really make them this way anymore.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what I say.
When I look at you, I'm like, oh.
You know, that guy could exist in any time period, and you have.
You've existed in a lot of time periods.
I've lived in a lot of time periods.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's for sure, because I'm Dracula.
Yeah.
I'm the vampire Dracula.
So, I think.
Just to be clear, in case people are listening, you want to remind them.
You don't know when they've, I'm sorry.
You know what?
You don't have to say that.
That's something a producer of the show would do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's true.
And not the Prince of Darkness himself.
Well, I think we said your name.
Old friend of Adam Friedland.
Yeah.
Old.
We go back.
We know each other from Jewish summer camp.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We go back.
That's true.
I was a counselor there.
You were.
He was the cool counselor.
I was.
I was 650 years old.
Can you believe that?
He let us sneak out to make out with the girls.
And now I'm 900, which makes you what?
250 years old?
Let's put it.
Let me retake that bit.
Yeah.
Go again.
87 years old.
That's true.
That's right.
And you were what?
15?
I was 15.
Yeah.
No pubes, this kid.
No pubes.
Still no pubes.
15 years old.
They called him No Pubes Friedland.
Yeah.
I wouldn't put that out there.
I remember, yeah, in his bunk, everyone, all the other kids, they shaved their
pubes off.
And while he was sleeping, they filled.
I don't know about sharing this.
They filled his mouth with all of their pubic hair.
Yeah, well, I think it was inappropriate for you as a counselor to take part in
bullying.
Well, I didn't take part in it.
I just, I mean, I thought it was hilarious.
You were laughing.
You watched it happen.
You didn't stop it from happening.
Well, you know, I'm up at night.
I was in the middle of the night.
I got to sleep during the day.
So I don't even know why they hired me as a counselor.
You were quite a bad counselor.
Yeah.
I was just up at night watching all the pranks happen.
Three kids died.
Yeah.
Lost.
Three kids lost.
We lost three kids.
I just killed them and drank their blood.
At least I wasn't fucking them.
Come on.
We're on camera right now.
Yeah.
I mean, you think the Catholic Church is bad.
And it is.
You should see a Jewish summer camp.
That's good.
Jewish summer camp might be actually the number one worst type of camp filled
with Jews.
I don't know about that.
Okay.
He's making a joke, folks.
They're worst camps.
I'm just kidding.
With Jews.
You know, it's crazy.
I kind of, honestly, to be honest, I don't know if you talk about the Holocaust
in this
show.
I got some notes from your producer.
We try to stay off it.
We try to stay off it.
I got some notes from your producer that you guys love talking about the
Holocaust.
We can edit around this if you want.
We can edit around this.
Oh, sorry.
I had no idea.
No, I'm just saying.
Go ahead.
He said you love Holocaust stuff.
But, you know, I was the worst guy that could be back in fairy tale times where
I'm from.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In the olden times.
In olden times.
Back in London times.
In the 1500s.
Worst guy you could be is Dracula.
Number one worst guy.
Yeah.
You're Jack the Ripper.
Right.
And because I drank literally two bitch, one bitch, maybe.
Yeah.
I drank her blood.
Yeah.
She didn't even die.
Right.
She turns into a Dracula.
Which is now, all of these fucking whores want to be a Dracula.
That's what they want.
They want to be a Dracula.
That's what they want.
And so I made one bitch a Dracula, consensually, by the way.
And now they're all banging down your door, probably.
Yeah.
And then you and your friends from camp are doing all this raping for the
actresses or whatever.
Anyways, all I'm saying is, back in the day, I was the worst guy you could be.
And then we get to the turn of the century, and then everybody else is just
smashing records.
Yeah, that's true.
Now I'm, what, I'm a fucking, I'm a Halloween costume.
You've been alive for a long time, right?
And so I think you're as good a person to ask this question as anyone, but what
do you think can be done to improve the media these days?
Improve the media?
Yeah.
Well, like I told you, I don't really read.
Yeah.
I try to stay off social media.
Yeah.
You know?
You can't read the comments.
Yeah.
Have you ever read the comments?
No, you think I'm a parasite.
Yeah, yeah.
You should see.
You should see these blood-sucking vampires.
They are.
No offense.
Right.
Yeah.
None taken.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
What would I do to change the media?
I think more books.
Yeah, more books.
Yeah.
That's good.
Less of sort of the, like, ephemeral thing now, the TikTok, which is.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess my next question, I guess.
Is Chinese, right?
It's Chinese propaganda.
And they're spying.
They're spying on the kids.
They're stealing their faces.
You know, the Chinese are the only culture that don't have vampires.
They don't.
Yeah.
Every other type of person.
Italian, Irish, English, Romanian.
Yeah.
German.
Black eyes.
French.
Yeah.
I don't know about, they don't really.
They don't have vampires.
I think their main thing is the Nancy, the spider.
What about Blackula?
That came after.
That came after.
I guess you're right.
Black eyes.
I was thinking traditional African folklore.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're thinking of, like, Aesop's Fables.
Yeah, Aesop's Fables.
Yeah, yeah.
A Nazi, the spider.
Is Aesop African?
I think so, yeah.
I thought he was Greek.
Maybe he's Greek.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Maybe I, in my mind, gave that.
Maybe he's Ghanese.
Yeah, I thought he was from Africa.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Ghanese.
Ghanese.
Ghanese.
Ghanese.
These guys over here.
You know?
All right.
Yeah.
So, I guess, you know, based on your last answer, my next question is probably,
but are there
any apps on your phone that you can't live without?
I don't have a phone.
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't have a phone at all.
Okay.
You know, I sleep in a casket.
I wake up.
I play the piano for probably 16 hours.
I write letters to beautiful women whose husband I look like, kind of.
Yeah.
Well, you can change your face to look like that.
Yeah.
I can change my face, but only a little bit.
A little bit.
You know?
You still got your type of vibe.
Yeah.
Your type of swag.
Yeah.
Like, if I go into town, I have to put on, like, a steampunk outfit.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
And I'll kind of rock that.
And chicks are into that.
Yeah.
They're stupid.
They're fucking...
They're really dumb.
They're dumb.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They are idiots.
Yeah.
I mean, I have, like, not only...
You're wearing goggles and shit?
Like, steampunk vibes?
Yeah.
A steampunk vibe?
Because I already have, like, a whack look, to be honest with you.
Yeah.
Your look sucks, bro.
Even back in the 1800s or wherever the fuck I'm from, this was a whack look
back in the
day.
People were like, that guy sucks.
Yeah.
But that was when guys used to know, because a lot of guys dressed like this,
is they knew
women were...
They had whack taste.
Yeah.
And so, like, now...
I mean, you could look like...
You could be, like, a fucking 300-pound, like, bald...
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
All right.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You...
You...
So, you're just...
You're just wearing this to get pussy, basically.
That's the...
That's their point.
No, I'm saying you could do that, whatever, however...
They'll fuck anyone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I could look...
Women will fuck anyone these days.
I could look...
Yeah.
I could look regular.
The fact that I...
Like, they think I might kill them.
Oh, my God.
They love that.
It's like...
They're always listening to these fucking true crime podcasts.
Yeah.
Because they're, like...
They're fantasizing about getting Dracula.
Have you listened to...
Are you familiar with Red Scare, by the way?
No.
Have you ever heard of that?
It's great.
Is it a Dracula style?
Oh, okay.
Well, okay.
I have to get it on phonograph, though.
Oh, you get it on one of those?
You gotta go like this.
Yeah, I crank it.
You gotta go like this.
I crank it.
A little bit of this.
I crank Red Scare in the castle sometimes.
Yeah, okay.
I really like...
What's her name?
Who's the...
I don't know.
What's the one's name?
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Yeah.
From the Red Scare podcast.
From Red Scare, yeah.
Anyway, so I gotta ask.
Yeah.
Okay, so a lot of people have argued that the primary threat posed by Dracula
is that you
will seduce and you will penetrate and then you will drain other males of their
blood or
life force, correct?
And in other words, it kind of serves as a proxy for homosexual desire and
blood serves
as a proxy, therefore, for semen.
So, what's all that about?
You know, they asked me the same question on Chapo Trap House.
Did they?
Yeah.
Fuck.
About the Christopher Lash essay.
Chris Kraft.
Christopher Kraft.
Yeah.
And it made me really look like a dumbass.
Yeah.
I tell you, I'm sure you can relate.
This guy.
Yeah.
Always making an ass out of himself, one way or the