Name: Cold Open Ep. 011 | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-01-18T18:21:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cold Open Ep. 011 | The Adam Friedland Show' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cold Open Ep. 011 | The Adam Friedland Show' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-18. Transcript available.

Transcription by CastingWords
Transcription by CastingWords
Nick, I found a clause in our rental agreement.
Not right now, I'm in the zone.
Hey, Dracula.
Hello, Adam.
What are you doing?
The intro's still wrong.
No one cares about the intro, man.
It's no good.
The intro's fine, man.
There's no issues.
It needs jouissance!
I don't know what that means.
Nobody knows what it means.
You know where Nick is?
He's sleeping.
Oh, God.
We've been working all night.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck did you do to him?
I sucked him.
I sucked him dry.
All right.
Well, is he going to be like a Dracula now or something?
It's not how it works.
It's more like Down syndrome.
You were just born with it.
Listen, man.
I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to Nick, because you've been around so
much.
We haven't really had any private time between the two of us recently.
Yeah, that old story.
I don't understand.
We worked together for six and a half years, and now all of a sudden, you're in
complete
creative control of our entire project.
And with my help, this will be the greatest talk show anyone has ever seen.
Okay, but-
What's your favorite talk show, Adam?
I don't know.
Name one.
I like the Ellen.
Dancing with the Stars.
That's not a talk show.
The greatest talk show anyone has ever seen.
Okay.
All right.
I'll hear you out.
You ever seen Howie Mandel's penis?
He's not on Dancing with the Stars.
It's the only place he has hair on his body.
Is it true?
Yes.
I haven't-
It looks like a roly-poly.
We want to make art now, and you're getting in the way of every single aspect
of this project.
You want to be an artist?
Yeah, I want to be an artist.
You know who else wanted to be an artist?
I got a story for you.
Young Bavarian boy.
It was his life's dream to be an artist.
Saved up.
Went to art school.
Then they kicked him out.
They said he was no good.
You know what he did next?
He killed roughly 150,000 Jews in the Holocaust.
And you know that boy's name, Adam?
It was the pure Adolf Hitler.
Albert Einstein.
No, that's not who it was.
Listen, if you're going to be involved in this, do whatever you want.
But we just need to add jokes, man.
You want to hear a joke?
I'll tell you a joke.
Okay.
Two clowns start the shittiest podcast of all time for the biggest faggots in
the world.
And now they want to be artists and they don't know how to do it.
It's not really a joke, but...
Listen, we've spent over $150,000 recreating the Dick Cavett show set.
We've spent $16,000 on chairs.
People want a talk show and we're not giving it to them right now.
People don't want a talk show, Adam.
Yes, they do.
I'll tell you what they want.
They want Moonlight.
They want Driving Miss Daisy.
They want Jungle Book.
Jungle Book?
Green Book, whatever it is.
Yeah.
But you know what all those movies have in common, Adam?
One thing.
What?
Oh, Blacks.
That's right.
That's it.
They have Blacks.
That's what the intro needs.
Look, I have an idea.
The intro needs Blacks?
We're going to get you ready right now.
We're going to do an acting experiment.
You stand over here.
All right.
Put your arms out.
Now, how do you feel?
Oh, Titanic.
Like the king.
The king of the world.
The king of the world.
Jack, that's you.
No, it's Rose.
It goes like this.
No, that's right.
And later, we're going to paint you.
I don't want to be painted.
You know who else didn't want to be painted, Adam?
Who?
Al Jolson.
And then I came in and I blacked him up
and I made him the biggest pop star of the 1980s.
And we're going to do that with you.
We're going to black you up.
We're going to put that in the intro.
Black Adam in blackface.
I don't want to do blackface.
Well, what do you want?
I don't want to do blackface.
I don't want to do black cock.
I don't want to do racism.
I don't want to do Wakanda.
I want to be a star.
It's my show.
It's my name.
It's the name my parents gave me.
It's the only name I have.
And it's being run into the ground.
It's not even clear what the show is anymore.
You know what else is clear, Adam?
What?
Semen.
No, it's not.
It's translucent.
Not my semen.
Because I've had 17 vasectomies.
I've produced 35 Grammy Award winning albums.
I owned every Beanie Baby.
And on top of all of that, I still find time to be gay.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So I don't really need your input as to what will make this show good.
I just need to be left alone with my work.
And I'll leave you and your friend alone here tonight.
Because it's almost sunrise and I'm supposed to have drinks with Jadakiss.
You know Jadakiss?
He's my best friend.
You think maybe he might want to come on the show?
You're not ready for Jadakiss.
You're not even ready for Danny Bonaduce.
Alright.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
Nick?
Nick?
Nick?
Wake up, dude.
Nick?
Who's fucking Jadak?
Jadakill here?
He's gone.
We've got to do something about this guy.
We've got to get rid of this fucking guy.
He's running the show into the ground.
Yeah.
We haven't had any alone time in weeks.
Are you doing alright?
I'm good.
I'm alright.
I'm good.
Are you sure?
You don't seem like you're doing well these days.
Nah, we've just been working all night on this fucking intro.
He's saying it's wrong.
There's not enough Al Jolson or something.
What the fuck is his problem?
I don't know.
He's 400 years old.
He's Jewish or something.
He's not Jewish.
I don't know, man.
We've got to get back to us.
Alright, look.
I know.
I know.
Help me up, man.
I know a way to get rid of him.
How do we?
You're not going to like it.
What do we have to do?
I don't know.
This is a guy.
And all he does is get rid of Dracula.
Alright.
Anything, man.
Seriously.
He's a tough hang.
This guy.
That's fine.
And have you been fucking crying?
I'm crying.
Alright, I'll send him a message, but go clean yourself up.
You look like a fucking idiot, dude.
I don't want you to embarrass us before he comes here.
Alright.
Hit him up.
I'm going to go wash my face.
I'll be right back.
Transcription by ESO. Translation by —