Name: The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 3
Uploaded: 2023-04-26T20:44:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 3' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 3' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-26. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 3

Thanks for, it's the Adam, it's Adam Fuckland Show.
It's Adam Fuckland Show.
Welcome, welcome to Fuck Nation.
Fuck Nation.
How you doing?
Pretty good, it's a big day for me, it's going to be a painful day for me, but.
Why?
Sports.
Oh, sports?
You're going to the next game?
No, I'm going, I'm going to.
The old Knicks.
I'm going to go watch the Knickerbockers.
The soccer team in London.
What is balking?
Balking?
Yeah.
It sounds like an old, it sounds like jelking, like an old form of balking
yourself off or
something.
Yeah, back in the 1800s, you're like, oh, that girl's just a real Knickerbocker.
Yeah.
She gets with like, I mean, I didn't say it.
I didn't say it, they did.
Knickerbockers are pants.
I thought it was the hospital from the show.
The Knick.
I thought that the team was named, I thought that hospital was real.
You thought it was a real thing?
I thought the whole show was real.
That show is so good.
We're like the only two people that watched that show and that actively evangelized
that
show.
It's an amazing show.
It's so good.
It's really good.
I might rewatch it.
I like that he was doing SNIZ the whole time.
Yeah.
I like that it was only one season.
Yeah.
It was two seasons.
I thought it was just one.
Two?
Do you?
I thought you said you loved the show.
I watched it like literally seven years ago maybe?
And welcome to the latest segment of Adam's Lies.
The Knick.
You like it because it's called The Knick.
Right.
I thought it was for me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That would be cool.
I was like, oh, this is all going to be about me.
And then I watched it and it was.
Yeah.
I've always done it.
That's how I felt when I watched Black Adam.
I'm in Bed-Stuy doing all kinds of crazy surgeries all day long.
Yeah.
They were shooting at, if you remember, when I first moved to New York, I was
staying at
Eric's that week.
And they were shooting around the corner at that school.
And that's what they had.
That was the exterior of the hospital.
Also, you know the girl, you know who, the girl in the Knick.
Is that the Brooklyn School for Boys?
Yeah.
I think that's it.
Sounds ominous.
Yeah.
If it was 1880 and my parents were like, we're sending you here, I'd be like,
please just
send me to work in a factory.
No.
You know that nothing good happens there.
Triangle Shirtwaist, please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
Please.
Let me get burned to death by the Monopoly, man.
I think Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, was that only chicks were working there?
Yeah.
That's why it's so cool.
They couldn't handle being factory boys.
They're like, oh, I'm on fire.
Do you remember when we were factory boys for a couple weeks?
A day.
I think it was a seasonal employment situation.
No, it was a week.
It was a week.
We worked on that David Yurman project.
Yeah.
That fabrication studio.
The jewels.
The jewels.
Yeah, we were doing window displays for jewelry.
Yeah.
I'm glad I wore the sunglasses.
I'm knocked on my ass today.
Why?
I didn't sleep well.
Well.
The cat pissed all over the bed.
You got more cats now?
Yeah.
You're like Marc Maron.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
I hate it when people say that.
Because it's gay to have cats.
And I take that back.
It's not.
I don't mind being gay.
I just don't want to be Marc Maron.
It's not gay.
I wouldn't.
I don't want to talk that way.
I want to be me.
I want to be my own guy.
But cats is just.
Come on.
I want to be like an anime character.
Is that a cat thing?
No, but they're their own guys.
Oh.
Well, you want to be kind of more like.
Nobody ever accuses an anime character of being a different anime character.
Yeah, they do all the time.
No.
No one.
No one's like.
No one goes to Luigi and they're like.
You're just fucking.
Dude, this is just Mario.
I don't think that's anime.
You just fucking ripped off Mario.
I think there's a guy who just broke his keyboard.
No one accuses Mario of Luigi of ripping off Mario.
Do you remember that line in Akira?
I've never seen Akira.
Where he's like.
You're being just like Ash Ketchum right now.
When you say that.
I've never seen Akira.
You haven't seen it?
No.
It's like.
It's badass.
I've never seen an anime that is good or I like.
Neither of us.
We're babies.
It's cartoons.
Yeah.
Akira is cool.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What's it about?
It's the one anime that everyone sees.
Mm-hmm.
It's.
I don't know.
Some guy like.
You know.
Then they go super saiyan.
And they're fighting.
He's got a motorcycle.
I think I have an ear infection also.
Why?
From swimming?
My ear hurts.
Really?
Yeah.
What are your plans for the summer, Nick?
I don't know.
I'll go to the ear doctor.
I'll get my ear checked out.
Nice.
No, I can't hear out of it.
You always have ailments.
Yeah.
That's life.
When I moved here.
It felt okay and then I stuck my finger in there.
Now it hurts.
Yeah.
You pierced your eardrum?
No, I just stuck my finger in there.
But it's so itchy.
Is it true that boxing one's ears means that you like cup.
You take two cups and you smack it.
Yeah.
And then both eardrums explode?
And then they're deaf.
And they're deaf forever.
That's what knickerboxing is.
That's what they used to do in the 1800s.
Yeah.
That was a job you could have.
That was going around.
That was like the number one New York passed on.
It was going around deafening people.
I wish I went to school in the time when if you were acting naughty, they made
you wear
the hat.
The dunce cap.
We should bring that back, but it should be a goofy hat from Disney World.
Yeah.
Then those bad boys will really learn.
Now you want to act out in class?
Well, now you're a fucking goofy to dog.
Now you're a goofy.
Now you're a...
I think I might have like an infection or something.
In your ear?
Yeah.
I'm feeling like feverish now and dizzy.
I might throw up.
Let me feel your cap.
I think it might be a little warm.
Yeah.
What is it?
All right.
Rectal.
Get rid of it.
Rectal?
Well, that's how you get the most accurate temperature.
All right.
Let me just...
Can you just read?
I don't want to pull my answer.
Your crack is...
Your crack is...
You literally have plumbers cracking out.
I mean, we're taking this too far.
You can stick your finger in my ass.
I won't respond to that.
What do you mean you won't respond to that?
Your Apple Watch is talking now?
Yeah.
Stay out of this.
This is our thing.
It always listens in at the most embarrassing moment.
It's so embarrassing that Apple Watch heard us talking about...
I was like...
Mm-hmm.
That I was going to put...
I was going to finger pop you.
Let's just get sent to a guy at Apple.
He's like, oh, they're not going to believe this.
A couple of nights ago, Stephen and I were very drunk.
And he said, I think I have a tumor.
He's like, can you check it out?
And then he pulled his pants down.
And he made me feel his ass cheek.
And I was like, I don't know.
Maybe you should...
I was like poking around his ass.
He's like, not there, not there.
And I'm like literally like grabbing his ass.
And then I was like, oh, I guess I feel it.
And he's like, so what do you think?
And I was like, I don't know.
Go to a doctor.
And literally no one else was there.
Was he being for real or was he just tricking and touching his ass?
Either way, it's fine by me.
Dave, can you do me a favor and bring me the Q-tips?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Dave, can you give me a glass of water too?
Two glasses of water and all of the Q-tips.
Okay.
Okay.
So interesting development.
And can you get me, Dave, can you get me my special pills?
What?
You got pills?
Yeah, Quaaludes.
Are you getting any Quaaludes?
No, you can't find them anymore.
Oh, they stopped making them?
I've always wanted to, because they sound cool in movies.
In the 1970s, everyone was on lewds in movies.
That was like a big joke.
They'd be like, what do you want?
Like Woody Allen movies, they'd be like, what do you want, lewds?
They stopped making them.
And apparently in South Africa, they still have them.
I should have found lewds when I was there visiting my grandmother.
Yeah.
I feel like I need to get back in bed.
Really?
It's filled with cat piss.
So what are you going to do?
I don't know.
You're going to go back to the couch?
After your whole thing of actually getting a bed for the first time in your
adult life?
No, I got two sets of sheets.
It'll be fine.
And the mattress protector.
Oh my God, Dave, you're fabulous.
That's insane to me.
I don't care.
She probably doesn't want us discussing it on the show, but I'm going to say it
anyways.
But do you know Dasha bought a $17,000 mattress?
A Hastings?
She bought a $17,000 mattress.
Drake has one of those.
Drake has the half a million dollar one.
Well, she told me she bought it.
And then it's also like, it's like a full-size bed.
It's not a queen?
No.
She got like a twin bed, a $17,000 twin mattress.
Dude.
And then she told me she doesn't use a mattress protector.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm like, you're insane.
So she just smokes crack on a raw $17,000 mattress?
Yeah.
Oh, there you go.
See?
There's stuff coming out of there.
Dave, can we get close on the stuff coming out of my ear?
What?
It's white.
Yeah.
Isn't it supposed to be yellow?
I think it's white if you have an infection.
Really?
Yeah.
Dave?
White blood cells.
Dave?
Can you get one of those old-school doctors that comes to you to arrive by the
end of this episode?
With the purse?
Yeah, with the purse.
The purse.
For Nick?
The shiny thing on his head.
Yeah, can you get it with the metal thing on his head?
Yeah, get the guy from the Nick.
This really hurts.
Don't do it, dude.
It's apparently not good.
What?
Q-tipping?
I mean, it feels good, but then you like push it more in.
You know what used to be my spa day?
I was going to urgent care and asking them to put stool softener in my ears.
They'll just do that?
Yeah.
They'll fucking, they'll, because my ears would get, I guess I get ear
allergies.
I don't really get congested, but my ears fill up with wax.
And you can go, and they lay on your side, and they fill your ear with like
warm water and sometimes like a dish soap or something and stool softener.
And then they just sit in there for like 15 minutes in the dark, and then they
come back out, and then they like flush it out, and they use tweezers and
something, and they'll pull like a fucking, like this big tube of wax out of
your ear.
Like a nugget, like a big, like gold nugget.
Right.
And then I eat it.
It's good for you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm like, I would like to eat it, please.
It's kind of like an alpha male.
Did you text us?
Huh?
Dave?
No, no, no.
DM?
Yeah, yeah.
It's not Dave.
I thought Dave was going to say, Adam, your penis is out or something.
I keep my penis tucked for this show, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, Tucker Peniston.
Tucker Peniston.
That's the thing is like, I've probably said it before, but that's why he's
probably so anti-trans.
Mm-hmm.
Because his name is Tucker.
Yeah.
Now, I asked, I did Louis' show yesterday.
The Real Ass Podcast?
Yeah.
Did he name you Real Ass Guy of the Week?
No.
No, I think I did pretty bad.
I don't think I can riff anymore.
It's weird being on a show like that, which I haven't done in a while.
Yeah.
Where there's like a pressure to like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Because we've done this thing, which is just so lazy and on drugs that I-
We're not on drugs.
I don't know why people think we're on drugs.
No, they're really going to think we're on drugs.
Because we're defending it?
Yeah.
Well, I'm not on drugs!
Yeah, yeah.
No, that's how you know someone's-
I'm on a 24-hour Claritin D, though.
The one you have to sign your name for.
Mm-hmm.
Because you can make meth out of it.
Walter White style.
You see a girl, a Jewish girl with big tits.
You're like, there's a pair of Claritin double Ds over there.
I like that.
I like that.
Yeah.
See, now you're back.
That was a riff.
I guess.
That was a good riff.
Oh man, I can feel it.
Yeah, there's like a huge chunk in there.
Let's see.
Dave, does this pick up?
If I put this in my ear, can you hear this?
It's the ocean.
Yeah.
Gross.
Can you hear that?
Yeah.
Okay, remember who signs yo