Name: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON | Science, Nerds
Uploaded: 2023-05-17T18:45:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON | Science, Nerds' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON | Science, Nerds' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON | Science, Nerds

All right. All right. Let's go. Sorry, I don't know why I did that. Guys, folks,
welcome to the
start of another amazing episode of the Adam Friedland Show. You know what that
means.
It's monologue time. Give it up. Monologue. Monologue. Monologue. And we got a
good one for
you. This one is a real doozy. A banger, even, as I might say. I can't wait to
do it personally,
and we've had a lot of big news this week. There's been so many things going on.
But first, let's
go to you, the audience. That's right. You at home. What do you guys want to
talk about?
Like you, sir. Yes, you. The man sitting at home alone watching the Adam Friedland
Show
on his phone. What do you do for a living? What's that you say? You install
phone lines?
Well, who the hell uses phone lines anymore? Your customer base is all old
people that are only
using their phones to get scammed by Nigerians, right? Yeah, all right. Now,
let's all have a
good laugh at that man. All right. Who else is there? Maybe. Oh, this woman,
perhaps. Hello?
Hi, ma'am. Yes. The girl chain-smoking in her dirty apartment, watching the
show, hoping that it
will lead to a friendship with... What do you do for a living? Oh, I'm sorry. I
guess I should
rephrase. What does your father do for a living? Bitch. Anyway. Dave, what the
fuck is this?
Is that all the fucking monologue we have this week? It's imaginary crowd work?
I don't see
anything else here. This is all Nick's sense. That's the monologue. Now we have
to do the
fucking interview? I mean, is that all he fucking turned in this week? Look,
there's nothing else
here. This is all Nick's sense. I mean... Okay. Dave. Look, I'm sorry. This is
all Nick's sense.
You need to text him, Dave, because you've got to call him right now. Let me
just call him. Fucking call him. Dave. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll
call him. I'll call him. I'll call him. Call him right now. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Where the fuck is he? Dude, this is the worst one yet. I mean, like, how little
work is he doing? All right. Can we get Charlie out here? Because I don't want
to be standing if we're not going to be shooting. Hi. Hi. Hey. Upsies, please.
I need Uppies. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. He's not picking up. Fuck. Let's get some
peanut M&Ms in my mouth, please. Thank you.
I don't know.
Let me just call him. Fucking call him. Dave. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll
call him. I'll call him. I'll call him. I'll call him right now. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Where the fuck is he? Dude, this is the worst one yet. I mean, like, how
little work is he doing? All right. Can we get Charlie out here? Because I don't
want to be standing if we're not going to be shooting. Hi. Hi. Hey. Upsies,
please. I need Uppies. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. He's not picking up. Fuck. Let's
get some peanut M&Ms in my mouth, please. Thank you. Yeah.
Yeah. Fuck. Thank you. Wait. He's here already. Hey, guys. Oh, so you're tiny
now. I know. I'm sorry. Someone go get him. Hey, Nick. Do you want a tiny
coffee? I'm okay. Thanks. He doesn't deserve a tiny coffee. What the fuck?
Who the fuck is this monologue? It's your one job, Nick. I know. I fucked up. I
had a monologue written and I wanted to do, um, like this thing about, uh,
remember that bank shooting a couple of weeks ago? So about that and how, you
know, we need to save capitalism and the way to do that, all these elites, they
invest in vaccines, right? But that's not the answer. They need to invest in
shrink rays. If Bill Gates created a shrink ray, then we can just make poor
people tiny.
Yeah. So like the movie downsizing. That's just a plot to the movie downsizing.
It is. Okay. I watched it on a plane. So wait, so you didn't just try to write
another monologue?
No. Now I panicked. I thought it would take too long to do that. So my thinking
was if I made a real shrink ray, then we could shrink you on the show and make
you tiny.
Hey, listen. Did yours make me tiny or only? But then I accidentally made
myself tiny. I'm big at him now. I was just trying to make the show good.
Make the show good? I've had to fucking carry your ass for weeks. I know. It's
my own fault.
What is? Are you out of ideas all of a sudden? Was this some sort of cruel joke?
You thought you could set me up for failure or something?
No.
And now I've flourished and you're hurt by it.
Come on, man. You don't have to be so cynical about it. But I mean, yeah,
honestly, kind of. I feel defeated. I feel small.
You are small.
No. I mean, before I was tiny, I felt small.
You were small before you were tiny.
I don't mean in a physical sense. I mean in like a-
What? Your penis?
No, not my penis. That's physical.
Your metaphorical penis then perhaps?
No. I feel like I took too much of a step back with this show. That I reduced
my role too much and now I feel tiny. Like emotionally in my heart.
All right, guys. Can we clear the room? Five minutes? Not you, Charlie. No. Can
I keep it 1,000 with you?
All right, but can you just not talk to me like that?
I don't want you to feel tiny.
I feel small, not tiny.
If you don't want to feel small, then you need to stop being a coward, man.
Hey, I'm not a coward, all right? Would a coward bet the farm on a show hosted
by the least likable member of the worst podcast of all time?
Okay, okay.
The show will be good when you get your confidence back and start cooking.
We cooked on the last show and I didn't feel any better about that.
No. I mean like metaphorical cooking. Like your penis.
We're not in competition with each other.
I know that. You're not telling me anything I don't know.
I know what's unfair and I know what's rational and what isn't.
Well, it helps to hear from the outside sometimes instead of just locking
yourself in an argument in your own head.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Come on, man. You don't have to do everything yourself.
I'm not. I stop with the wires. I'm not touching buttons anymore.
I don't mean the wires.
I mean sorting out these issues in your head.
That's why you have a mouth.
So you can communicate.
Oh, but did I tell you I was thinking about getting lip injections?
Okay, have you thought about why you thought about getting lip injections?
So I can do crowd work?
We don't need to do crowd work.
We have a TV show now.
I mean, do we though?
Yeah, look at all this.
What?
Nothing. I just...
You know, I guess it's just sort of easier to appreciate the scale of all this
when you're tiny.
I had to maintain that perspective, but you can't stay tiny.
Well, I don't know how to untiny myself.
By doing what we just said.
See yourself as part of the process.
Something bigger.
A necessary part.
Big, small.
Doesn't matter.
Hey, remember on Magic School Bus when they shrunk the bus down?
And all the kids went on a school trip inside of Carlos' ass?
You're saying I'm the Magic School Bus?
Absolutely, man.
Thanks, man.
But we got a bigger problem.
I don't have the technology to make myself big again.
Well, just make an enlarging ray or something.
You think if I had an enlarging ray, I would have shrunk myself?
No. This entire city would be in ruins.
I'd smash it asunder.
Why is that where your head goes?
Why destroy the entire city?
Why not use being a giant for good?
I don't know.
I've never been a giant before.
I just always imagined that's what I would do if I was.
I don't think you would, honestly.
I think you'd help people.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Sometimes I need help, Adam.
That's what I've been saying.
Yeah, but now I'm saying it in a way that only I can.
Well, I think anyone could say it.
I think I just did.
Well, no.
What you said is that I'm the voice of the show and the show's bad without me.
No, I don't think I went that far.
And then you'll kill yourself if I'm not a part of the show.
No.
I'll tell you this.
I don't have a way to make an enlarging ray.
But we might be able to make a normalizing ray.
But we'll need help.
And I know a guy.
Not Dracula.
No, we're not doing Dracula ever again.
What do you mean, no more Dracula?
Like, ever?
Yeah, remember we couldn't get...
We needed a fat suit and we couldn't get it.
Well, who's going to help then?
The greatest scientist of all time.
Who?
Yakub?
Very close, Adam.
All right.
We'll be right back with Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My dick is so small now.
Welcome back to the Adam Friedland Show.
It's not often we have a jock on the show.
But we have the former captain of Bronx Science Wrestling.
Undefeated, mind you, in New York State Wrestling.
Class of 1976.
Please welcome Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Well, hello.
Look at these mitts you got.
Oh, sorry.
You make me feel like a lady.
I feel so huge.
Should that be a problem?
Even if you did?
Get woke, dude.
Sorry.
I wasn't doing a gender thing, but...
Whoa, you're falling down?
I'm good.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
No, you did a pratfall to seem like a nerd after I gave you that jock
introduction.
You're like, whoa!
There's other stuff on my resume.
What do you mean?
Just what I did 45 years ago.
Well, I knew you from intercollegiate wrestling at Harvard.
Yeah, I did that as well.
Yeah, yeah.
But I wasn't as good in college as I was in high school.
Really?
Why?
Well, I was undefeated in high school because in New York City, wrestling is
not...
Yeah, you were fighting Jews.
Yeah, many were, actually.
That must have been fun.
I didn't make that connection, though.
No.
They were just other...
Because you're a better man than I.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, no, I've done other things since then, just in case.
I'm a big Greco-Roman wrestling fan.
Greco-Roman is good.
I don't know much about anything else.
Yeah.
Many people don't know Greco-Roman versus other forms.
In Greco-Roman, you can't use your legs for anything.
These guys with skinny legs and huge upper bodies.
Uh-huh.
That's Greco-Roman.
That's kind of our body type, the two of us.
We kind of have similar vibes.
If I put my top on your legs, then you get skinny little legs.
Well, that's for after the show.
Yeah.
So, I love what you've done with the set.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, Neil's been with us from the beginning.
You're probably number one fan.
Yeah.
Why are you...
Come on.
I thought you were going to say I was, like, really into come town and...
Yeah, no.
No, I wasn't.
I'm really proud of what you've done since the...
All right.
Well, okay.
We're going to discuss later on in the interview and throughout the interview,
probably, your new book.
Yeah, sure.
That'd be nice.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it's not a prerequisite.
Right.
I think I would have come on your show without the book.
Because you're such a big fan.
I think I like what you're attempting to accomplish.
You like the Nigerian shark tank bit?
He's never heard of us before.
No, no.
It's some sort of cosmic accident that...
Well, cosmic.
Nice.
Good use of the word.
That you've ended up here.
And my sister is here right now watching this, and she...
And as I understand, it's both of your birthdays.
She thinks I'm famous now.
Yes.
As I understand it.
It is my birthday.
It's my 36th, and it's Zoe's 32nd birthday.
Yeah, happy birthday to both of you.
As you said before the show, 36 trips.
Yeah, so if you're 36 years old today, you've just completed your 36th trip
around the sun.
The sun of God, Jesus Christ, of course.
That has nothing to do with...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, this would exist independent of any religious reference.
Oh, okay.
It's an astrophysical reference that is objectively true, whether or not you
believe in it.
Well, I'm a live and let live Christian myself.
Yeah, okay.
That's fine.
No, I'm not.
What do you think I am?
I don't think...
I don't judge.
Come on, stereotype.
No, I don't...
What do you think I am, Neil?
I don't...
Neil, my allergies are bothering me.
I don't think what do you think I am.
I need my inhaler, right?
Come on, you're a man of science.
What's your hypothesis?
Okay, pale skin, so it's not...
You're from New York, come on, buddy.
You don't spend much time out in the sun, so you didn't do any athletics.
Well, I did.
I played baseball.
You did?
Yeah, yeah.
What position 