Name: Cold Open | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-05-24T15:39:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cold Open | The Adam Friedland Show' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cold Open | The Adam Friedland Show' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-24. Transcript available.

We've had a lot of big news this week. There's been so many things going on,
but first let's go to you, the audience.
That's right. You at home. What do you guys want to talk about?
Like you, sir. Yes, you. The man sitting at home alone watching the Adam Friedland
show on his phone.
What do you do for a living? What's that you say? You install phone lines?
Well, who the hell uses phone lines anymore? Your customer base is all old
people that are only using their phones to get scammed by Nigerians, right?
Yeah, all right. Now, let's all have a good laugh at that man, all right?
Who else is there? Maybe. Oh, this woman, perhaps. Hello? Hi, ma'am.
Yes, the girl chain smoking in her dirty apartment, watching the show, hoping
that it will lead to a friendship with...
What do you do for a living? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I should rephrase. What
does your father do for a living?
Bitch. Anyway, Dave, what the fuck is this? Is that all the fucking monologue
we have this week? It's imaginary crowd work?
I don't see anything else here. This is all Nick's sense.
That's the monologue. Now we have to do the fucking interview? I mean, is that
all he fucking turned in this week?
Look, there's nothing else here. This is all Nick's happy. I mean...
Dave. Look, I'm sorry. This is... This is all Nick's sense.
You need to text him, Dave, because you've got to call him right now. Let me
just call him.
Fucking call him, Dave. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay. I'll call him. I'll call
him.
Call him right now. Okay, okay. Where the fuck is he?
Dude, this is the worst one yet. I mean, like, how little work is he doing?
All right, can we get Charlie out here? Because I don't want to be standing if
we're not going to be shooting.
Hi. Hi. Hey. Upsies, please. I need uppies. Okay, thank you.
Yeah, he's not picking up. Fuck.
Let's get some peanut M&M's in my mouth, please. Thank you.
Thank you. Wait, he's here already.
Hey, guys. Oh, so you're tiny now.
I know, I'm sorry. Someone go get him.
Hey, Nick, do you want a tiny coffee? I'm okay, thanks.
He doesn't deserve a tiny coffee. What the fuck is this monologue?
It's your one job, Nick.
I know, I fucked up. I had a monologue written, and I wanted to do, like, this
thing about...
Remember that bank shooting a couple weeks ago? So, about that and how, you
know, we need to save capitalism.
And the way to do that, all these elites, they invest in vaccines, right? But
that's not the answer.
They need to invest in shrink rays. If Bill Gates created a shrink ray, then we
can just make poor people tiny.
Yeah, so, like, the movie Downsizing.
That's just a plot to the movie Downsizing.
It is. Okay, I watched it on a plane. So, wait, so you didn't just try to write
another monologue?
No, no, I panicked. I thought it would take too long to do that. So, my
thinking was, if I made a real shrink ray, then we could shrink you on the show
and make you tiny.
Hey, listen. The years of making me tiny are over.
But then I accidentally made myself tiny.
I'm big Adam now.
I was just trying to make the show good.
Make the show good? I've had to fucking carry your ass for weeks.
I know. It's my own fault.
What is? Are you out of ideas all of a sudden? Was this some sort of cruel joke?
You thought you could set me up for failure or something?
No.
And now I've flourished, and you're hurt by it.
Come on, man. You don't have to be so cynical about it. But, I mean, yeah,
honestly, kind of. I feel defeated. I feel small.
You are small.
No, I mean, before I was tiny, I felt small.
You were small before you were tiny.
I don't mean in a physical sense. I mean in like a...
What? Your penis?
No, not my penis. That's physical.
Your metaphorical penis, then, perhaps?
No. I feel like I took too much of a step back with this show.
That I've reduced my role too much, and now I feel tiny. Like emotionally, in
my heart.
Alright, guys. Can we... Can we clear the room? Five minutes?
Not you, Charlie.
No. Can I... Can I keep it 1,000 with you?
Alright, but can you just not talk to me like that?
I don't want you to feel tiny.
I feel small, not tiny.
If you don't want to feel small, you need to stop being a coward.
Hey, I'm not a coward, alright?
Would a coward bet the farm on a show hosted by the least likable member of the
worst podcast of all time?
Okay, okay.
The show will be good when you get your confidence back and start cooking.
Well, we cooked on the last show, and I didn't feel any better about that.
No. I mean like metaphorical cooking. Like your penis. We're not in competition
with each other.
I know that. You're not telling me anything I don't know. I know what's unfair,
and I know what's rational and what isn't.
Well, it helps to hear from the outside sometimes, instead of just locking
yourself into an argument in your own head.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Come on, man. You don't have to do everything yourself.
I'm not. I stopped with the wires. I'm not touching buttons anymore.
I don't mean the wires. I mean sorting out these issues in your head. That's
why you have a mouth. So you can communicate.
Oh, did I tell you I was thinking about getting lip injections?
Okay. Have you thought about why you thought about getting lip injections?
So I can do crowd work?
We don't need to do crowd work. We have a TV show now.
I mean, do we though?
Yeah. Look at all this.
What?
Nothing. I just...
You know, I guess it's just sort of easier to appreciate the scale of all this
when you're tiny.
Maintain that perspective, but you can't stay tiny.
Well, I don't know how to untiny myself.
By doing what we just said. See yourself as part of the process.
Something bigger.
A necessary part.
Big, small, doesn't matter.
Hey, remember on Magic School Bus when they shrunk the bus down?
And all the kids went on a school trip inside of Carlos' ass?
You're saying I'm the Magic School Bus?
Absolutely, man.
Thanks, man.
But we got a bigger problem.
I don't have the technology to make myself big again.
Well, just make an enlarging ray or something.
You think if I had an enlarging ray, I would have shrunk myself?
No. This entire city would be in ruins.
I'd smash it asunder.
Why is that where your head goes? Why destroy the entire city?
Why not use being a giant for good?
I don't know. I've never been a giant before.
I just always imagined that's what I would do if I was.
I don't think you would, honestly.
I think you'd help people.
Well, I'll tell you what. Sometimes I need help, Adam.
That's what I've been saying.
Yeah, but now I'm saying it in a way that only I can.
Well, I think anyone could say it. I think I just did.
Well, no. What you said is that I'm the voice of the show
and the show's bad without me.
No, I don't think I went that far.
I don't think I went that far.
And then you'll kill yourself if I'm not a part of the show.
Oh.
I'll tell you this. I don't have a way to make an enlarging ray.
But we might be able to make a normalizing ray.
But we'll need help. And I know a guy.
Not Dracula.
No, we're not doing Dracula ever again.
What do you mean no more Dracula? Like, ever?
Yeah, remember we couldn't get, we needed a fat suit and we couldn't get it.
Well, who's gonna help then?
The greatest scientist of all time.
Who?
Yaku?
Very close, Adam.
Alright, we'll be right back with Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My dick is so small now.