Name: CHRIS CUOMO | Politics, CNN, Mayor
Uploaded: 2023-06-15T02:15:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CHRIS CUOMO | Politics, CNN, Mayor' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CHRIS CUOMO | Politics, CNN, Mayor' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

CHRIS CUOMO | Politics, CNN, Mayor

Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show. As many of you know the WGA is
currently striking
and while we are not a guild protected program we do take labor relations very
seriously here
and so in solidarity with the writer's strike we are not going to be doing a
monologue this week
but we've prepared something a little bit different. I hope you enjoy.
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our next guest was named the seventh sexiest newsman in 2017 by People magazine
everyone please welcome Chris Cuomo
my man
good to see you
jeez Louise
was it really seventh?
seventh?
I'm looking at this list right now it's bullshit
seventh is bullshit
Shepard Smith number one
number one?
number one
Lester Holt
crap
he's got a look
Jim Acosta come on
dogged
dogged
great hair
nice hair
nice hair
Michael Barbaro
that worm
that's
that's a
come on
that's an inside job
I'd love to see you in the octagon with him
you think you'd kill him?
that's my first question
would you kill Michael Barbaro from the New York Times?
no
try to keep that negativity out
have you ever done a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu?
yeah for a long time
you've trained
yeah I could really fuck you up if I wanted to
oh I feel that way
what would Dick Cavett do with that?
he would be like
groovy
he would have been like a dry side
oh that's groovy
yeah
I'll be back after I change my pants
actually I pooped my pants on the last show
did you?
we don't have to get into it
was it nerves?
why are we talking about this right now?
any type of gastric distress
ethnics will discuss it as long as they'll discuss anything
I'm surprised we haven't discussed four different remedies already
what do you do?
the bismuth
oh the bismuth?
it's called Pepto Bismol
it's pink
I don't know
but it turns everything black
I thought you were a newsman not a scientist
next
I guess I'm just feeling insecure about my body right now
because of the pants thing?
I feel like in the wide right now it probably looks like Rock Hudson is sitting
next to Fran Lebowitz
I'm a big fan of Lebowitz by the way
really?
great eye
great eye?
oh for like for arts or?
yes Adam
you've met a lot of people?
that's the job brother
it's not the job
I mean like you came from a political family
political family
you know so here's the good thing about that
there are many good things
you meet people outside of this setting
so you meet them pretty much as they are
for instance we just lost Harry Belafonte
yeah
I know Harry Belafonte as you know not just the singer performer advocate
but just the guy who loved my father
had like an odd connection to all things Italian
and would joke with my father about it all the time
he did?
my father loved him and revered him
so I got to know him that way
I became friends with his son David
who was like a big brother to me
so I didn't know Harry
I only interviewed him once
that was the only time I really talked to him
in character that way
although he was completely authentic
it's an advantage
were you in character?
is that what you were saying?
the idea of having no schtick
I have no schtick
but to some extent
you're doing the news on TV every night
yeah but that's the mistake
you know one of the things I like about
what you're doing with this
is there's an authenticity to it
sure you say oh it's Cavett-esque
but that's what made Dick you know
to succeed with that name
you know even back then it wasn't a great nickname
really?
but the openness of just letting things be what they are
is very unusual in our world
what's the pathology behind a guy that chooses penis as his name?
very secure
or really hates himself
you think Nixon was a good guy?
good guy is an odd judgment
there are many people who did think he was a very good guy
don't you think like
it is kind of par for the course of the political campaign
I'm not defending Nixon
breaking into the other people's offices
it sounds like something they always do
no
no
but I do know why you suspect that
of course they spy on each other
mmm
Bill Belichick did it
so we go from the presidency to the patriots
kind of
yeah
no
your father was in the pirate system in 1952?
my father
was a hell of a baseball player
center fielder
he was a center fielder
the highest paid recruit the year that they drafted him
Mickey Mantle used to tell a funny story
Mickey used to say it was the worst decision in baseball history
that they gave Mario Cuomo a bigger signing bonus than Mickey Mantle the next
year
why did he get such a big signing bonus?
he had a ton of potential he was really fast
five tools
he was a five tool player and he was fast and strong
but he got clobbered he got hit
it's a little more complicated
they did not wear batting helmets then
idiots
and he did get hit
and he had been
he'd been hit in the outfield by a bottle
someone had thrown
so his
it was an anti-Italian kind of thing
yeah
just I don't know
anti that center fielder
but
my mother
they were dating
he gets hurt
it's not like now
where everybody is a nanosecond away from each other
she doesn't hear from my father
she suspects
that he's down there in Georgia
running around with all these ball players
yeah
sends a message
known as a telegram
he
gets the message
gets out of the hospital
quits
goes home
takes the signing bonus
gets engaged
you know who else was in the
the pirate system
at that time
Blackbeard
the pirate?
the pirate?
yeah
what are you doing a bit?
yeah
does it work?
no
I feel like the deadpan makes it
that wouldn't make any sense
the deadpan
he was a pirate from the olden days
alright let me try it again
say it again
you know who else was
actually
I'll give you a clue
come on bro
again?
I'm not trying to
okay
alright
I'm just trying to
you know who else was in the
pirate's farm system
no Adam
who?
Fidel Castro
really?
no
you can look at me like that
it doesn't make it more
Fidel Castro
hell of a ballplay
I'm not lying to you
I respect you so much
well let's see
you sit like Dick Cavett
like a homosexual?
no
you said that
well I mean that's
people say I sit like a homosexual
not this person
I think that you're
you know you're very comfortable
me?
yeah
it's all a facade
I hate myself
listen you have a problem with this
no I'm telling you
Fidel
I know you're telling me
you just happen to be wrong
look at this
he got it with glasses too
that's pretty
who is that?
that's Castro
let me see this
hold on I gotta find a better website
dude
he played for the Havana Sugar Kings
incredible team
in
Cuba
no
not in the Pirates
the Pittsburgh Pirates system
Fidel Castro
the Yankees and Pirates
somehow
does this always happen?
no I should've
I should've had this on the cards
I mean generally
if you're gonna bring something up
on a TV show
I'm just starting out my life as this
I'm just
this is new
I'm not ready
remember Elion Gonzalez
that was pretty funny
yeah
no that's
that's
he was in the pirate system also
oh
you know when you go to Cuba
have you been there?
I think the white ones came here
Habana?
yes
yeah of course
I had the best mojito of my life
no he didn't go there
when you go there
there's a very interesting thing
about the miscegenation in that country
they have been locked into
that one place
for about a generation and a half
such that you have such interesting combinations
of color and features
you'll have somebody with like your coloring
but their features are very kind of Afro Caribbean
and then you'll have somebody who's very brown
but they have very fine features
now of course you can find that anywhere
but the concentration of it there
it's like that in Brazil as well
yes but in Brazil you've got a lot more movement
and a huge population
it's kind of Brazil is kind of like a
kind of a contrast to the Tiger Woods theories
like if everyone like sleeps with everyone
and we're all the same color
then racism will go away
but they're the most racist
we do find a way
Bolsonaro was a white supremacist
you know
Bolsonaro had extreme views
that's why they went back to Lula
we'll see what he can get done
he's a little old
in the energy curve also
he's about to cook
I married into a Brazilian family
and
your wife's Brazilian?
my wife is Brazilian
Brasileira?
Brasileira, yeah
it's nice, no?
depends where you are
those favelas aren't so nice
got a good view though
I think it's the only place
where the impoverished
have a better view than the wealthy
do you take a picture in front of Jesus
where you were also going like this?
no, I felt it was redundant
yeah, yeah
that would have been corny
do you love our Lord and Savior?
I choose to believe
that's cool
I wish
you wish you could believe
yeah, it's so nice
it is a comfort
that's why I do it
but hell is really mean
hell is mean
it's so mean
you have to go there forever?
not necessarily
I don't think that
that's not what you fellas think
well, who's you people?
the papists
the papists
the papists?
yeah
do you think your papa believes
that you are condemned forever?
I think that's what they say
if you're not
if you're not
if you're not baptized in the Catholic Church
you should not confuse
if you don't let a guy with some dress
that's really nice
no, come on
you make fun of an old guy with
who's trying to do the right thing?
who this guy?
yeah
the Argentine?
Francis
he's the man
you don't like him
he's the man
we just made fun of him
for being in a dress
all of them are in dresses
all of your guys are in dresses
and by the way
I'll tell you what
I don't mean to be offensive
but you go to a
you did mean to be offensive
and you succeeded
you go to a place where guys are wearing dresses
I'm gonna look this way for a while
I'm not saying it's bad or good
I'm a modern man
I'm still here
but I'm also in my own space
that was just an objective fact
about the dresses
it's not a dress
what is it?
it's called a cassock
it's a dress bro
it's not a dress
I mean just the waistline alone
makes it not a dress
in fact
on the way down to this lovely studio
I walked past a bridal dress suite
don't give away the location
I think there are a lot of places it could be
you think there's only one place
these people are freaks
they're gonna track us down
they want to live
they want to wear my skin and stuff
our guys
wear your skin
yeah
I love that movie
which one?
Silence of the Lambs
yeah you like it?
it puts the lotion in the basket
yeah yeah
give me your best
it puts the lotion in the basket
then I'll give mine
and we'll let the audience decide
yeah
Dr. Lecter
you know
no I said
it puts the lotion in the basket
I don't want to do Bill
I want to do Jodie Foster
because I'm more dressed like her right now
that was good you're back
Dr. Lecter
I played a child street walker
in Taxi Driver
did you see that movie Dr. Lecter?
that's pretty strong
you're from New York
you were born in the 70s?
1970
I know
Wikipedia
I saw it
how do you know if it's true?
you got a cut with this anti-Wikipedia crap
we got an argument before the show started
it's the
well you're very righteous
it's the only
you're not very open-minded
for a host
I am pessimistic about everything other than Wikipedia
it's the only thing that the internet did well
so somebody can go on decide they're not as big a fan of the Adam Friedland
show as everyone should be
they can then just malign your past and you're okay with that
people call my parents house
do they?
I mean yeah
what do they say?
my dad's like
we're not interested
I'm on the do not call list
my parents are from Cape Town
what a scary cultural evolution they've had down there
what black people being able to vote?
yes
obviously my concern
no
is that they have given the right to vote
suffrage
is a very frightening concept
it is so interesting to see how something that's so extreme
can still get stuck
about the
what'd you just do by the way?
don't
I told my dad
then you look like a dragon all of a sudden
it's like puff the magic dragon
we're here
and you say you don't want to tell anybody
what is that?
are you just hot under the collar?
before we go into your race science
no forget it now
forget it
y