Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 15, Featuring Jordan Jensen & Rick Glassman
Uploaded: 2023-08-11T15:19:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 15, Featuring Jordan Jensen & Rick Glassman' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 15, Featuring Jordan Jensen & Rick Glassman' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-11. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 15, Featuring Jordan Jensen & Rick Glassman

It was bad, it was inappropriate, I don't want to pull his shirt off, triggered
him.
Can we get that on the show? Because it'd be two numbers.
Two what?
It would two numbers if he, like, B-tuned Bert Kreischer.
I'll do it, I'll be too.
Like, speaking of Bert Kreischer, Rick was recently raped.
We don't talk about other people's business.
No, no, it's kind of like...
We don't talk about other people's business.
You're right.
It's a talk show, it's like a talk show, like an anecdote thing,
like, where you say, "Oh, I was in Hawaii."
Oh, speaking of, you were in Hawaii recently.
I know how anecdotes work.
One of my, my dad's sister's an anecdote.
Lauren, excuse me.
She's an anti-dote.
Lauren, yeah.
What is she, she's the antidote for getting hard.
Okay.
Is that how you go?
You set out to get me and you got me, don't get used to it.
What do you mean, that's not offensive for me.
Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.
Nick is out, he's with family.
We're sending him our thoughts.
We love Nick.
And to replace Nick, we couldn't have just one person.
That's how much of a titan he is, so we got two.
We got a fan favorite, Jordan Jensen over here.
Hello.
And a fanny pack, Rick Glassman.
Oh, here he is.
And another, uh.
You all right?
Yeah.
I'm just like, I think you're like, just taller glasses Jew.
So you're a smaller glasses Jew.
At least I had a fun pun.
But taller is better.
What fun pun?
The fanny pack thing.
The fanny pack thing.
What are you, Borsche belts?
Okay, fine.
No, I don't have a belt.
I don't need one.
I got a fanny pack.
He's intimidated because.
What's happening right now.
Tell us.
It's as if, if he got more nutrients in the, what do we call it?
No, it's genetics.
It's, is it, is it woo or womb?
I never know when to use which.
It's the, it's the womb.
Right.
He would have maybe grown to be this size.
It wasn't about nutrients.
It was when my father was five foot seven.
And drinking heavily.
What do you mean drinking heavily?
Your mother.
No, she wasn't.
She was a California mom.
I breastfed until I was 16 years old.
California mom.
I'm incredibly healthy.
Yes, you were breastfeeding Prosecco.
Haven't you met a California mom?
No, my mom had.
Kombucha?
No, she was, she had one nipple milk, one, one nipple chicken soup.
That's how Jewish she was, you know.
Okay, sorry.
Guys, it's my show, so.
I thought that was good.
Do Jews like chicken soup?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it was coming out of the titty.
So does, so do all of us.
It's because you guys always think you're sick.
Oh my God, look at the myths on that.
So Rick.
Right towards me, we'll do.
So Rick, you're a problem?
On the court?
Oh, I thought a balloon was just let loose.
Um, I mean, no, no, no, I'm not a problem on the court.
You're a wing slasher?
He's a little wing, he said.
I don't know what that means, but he said he's-
Small forward.
Small forward.
Small forward.
Small forward.
When we're playing with, you know, peers and like, where 6'3" is tall enough to
be a forward.
You're 6'3".
I could play 6'2", 6'3".
So in a comedian pick-up game, you're probably a power forward at that point.
No.
It really depends on who's guarding me and who I'm guarding.
I could be, but I like to slash to the hoop.
You know what, who I like to guard in?
Kale.
Who?
You like to guard in Kale or guard Kevin McHale?
I just am trying to do the puns and you kind of infect my brain when I hang out
with you.
What do you say, guarding?
I look at you as someone who is very infected.
Is that why you keep coughing on me?
You're not, don't, don't start being a puns.
Well, it's hard, it rubs off on me.
We know where you are.
You're like, oh, my cousin cum dumped on me last weekend.
You're a true, truth teller.
I told you, I told you that.
So did you-
You do, you get dirty.
Jordan, did you ride your motorcycle here today?
Yeah.
And when you ride a motorcycle, do you ride side-saddle like a lady or-
You can't ride side-saddle.
Or slut-style.
You can't ride side-saddle when you're by yourself, can you?
Sladdle.
Well, I think a lady, she is a-
The one that you said talks about being a cum dumpster?
No, I think, you know, like a lady is supposed to ride a side-saddle.
I broke my knuckle the other day.
I punched my motorcycle.
Punched it.
Right down.
I was angry.
I was on the phone.
You punched the machine?
While you were driving?
I was on the phone, and I went, fuck you.
And then I went to throw my phone, and instead of throwing the phone, I went,
better idea,
and punched the motorcycle.
I lost my temper.
Oh, my God.
And now there's a big dent in my can.
You're so badass.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
I did drop my motorcycle on me the other day at the cellar, just slowly,
because my kickstand
wasn't down.
A man ran over, picked it off me, and then I ran over to the Fat Black, and Sam
Murill
and Derek Gaines were like, "Ahhh!"
And I was like, "Why didn't you help me, friends?"
And they're like, "Yeah, you had it."
And I was like, "I was pinned under it for a couple minutes there."
And they're like, "Yeah, I got it."
Wow.
But anyway, yeah, comedy, hanging out with friends all day, it's the best.
So good.
Wait, so you live in Los Angeles?
What are you doing in town?
Visiting my girlfriend.
Oh, nice.
Good job.
Okay, great.
Next subject.
So, it's great to have you back.
Good to be back.
You're a big fan favorite.
What have you been up to recently?
I've been doing the pod with Ian, being Ian with Jordan.
How's that going?
It's going good.
I saw Ian recently.
It was very nice.
He's the best.
And you have a podcast yourself?
It's called "Take Your Shoes Off."
And then take your pants off.
And then sit on this casting couch.
Yeah.
And then sit on this dick.
And do you want to be in Hollywood?
Do that with your fingers more.
Yeah.
Has anyone had like a POV-style podcast?
You know how they do in like pornography, where you don't see the fellow?
That's very scary.
I want that for the motorcycle.
I don't like it.
It's very voyeuristic.
But I can never show people how pretty it is driving over the bridge, because I
can't
stop on the bridge.
And I'll never know what it's like to be a mother.
But I do understand empathy.
Mm-hmm.
So you could still paint a picture, right?
Mm-hmm.
Tell us what it's like.
I mean, your job is as a storyteller.
Tell us how beautiful it is.
Well, that's...
Well, if I had the cameras, it would be easier to do that, don't you think?
Well, if I had a calculator, I wouldn't, you know...
But you'll never know what it's like to be a mother.
But if I put on glasses while I was...
But I still don't know what it's like.
Shoving a baby out, you'll get it.
You'll get it.
You put those glasses on the baby coming out.
I think you ever...
You got yourself...
That's what I mean.
You might be a redneck.
I'm not a mother yet, but I was almost a mother the other day.
I had to take Plan B.
Guess who helped me through that?
Glassman.
He paid $40 for it for you?
No, but he talked me up to...
He talked...
Which, ironically enough...
Do you mind to keep it?
No, I took the Plan B, and then the next day, new friend, brand new friend,
calls me.
He says, "Just checking in.
How's that Plan B taken?"
And I said, "Thank you for asking.
I've been barfing."
Because he busted inside?
Not him, but a different guy.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Oh, nice.
Thanks.
I've since gotten the nickname, Plan.
I think that I haven't figured out the dynamic yet for us not to talk over each
other.
It's tough with three, and I don't know you yet.
It is tough with three.
Just talk over.
We're kind of relaxing into it.
Yeah.
Should we restart?
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
Should I do this thing again?
Now we still don't know who's talking.
I think we've been doing it.
Adam, cut.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Adam, cut.
No, no, no.
Adam, don't do it.
Leave it.
Adam, cut.
No, keep them going.
No, you guys do the fucking show.
These are going.
Adam, cut.
Adam, cut.
Adam, cut.
Anyway, should we take our shoes off?
Let me show you how you were on a show.
Jordan, so how's the podcast been?
It's been going really good.
Today we had on...
I'm sorry.
Talk to me about your podcast.
No.
You just fell asleep while I was telling you about it.
Because that's a boring question.
You want an exciting question?
I do.
You asked this.
Show me what an exciting...
Tell me something that you are ashamed of that you haven't told anybody in the
past year.
One time, I pooped in a toilet.
It wouldn't go down, so I took it out with a plastic bag and I threw it out the
window.
Really?
Where were you?
You're covering my shot, sweetheart.
Where were you?
I was at my ex-boyfriend's house.
At the time he was a boyfriend?
Yes.
Okay.
I was meeting his parents for the first time.
And I pooped.
And it was one of these issues.
And I was running out of...
The log was this way and it wouldn't flush down the hole?
It was a magic...
You've never had that?
The magic won't go down?
Wait, are you saying it was a big log that it wouldn't go down the hole?
It wasn't that big.
But wait a minute.
It was at the wrong angle.
Yeah.
So if you were willing to take it out to put it in a bag, why not just take it
out and fit it into the hole?
That's a very good question.
That's a very good question.
That's crazy.
That's like you're scared of a spider.
Instead of picking it up and letting it outside, you pick it up, you don't know
what to do, and you put it in your mouth.
Very good question.
It's a very good question.
There's a possibility.
Let's get this going.
Wait, has this not been going?
We're still rolling.
Do you want to sit in the middle?
Yeah, I'll sit in the middle.
So we are adjusting to a new dynamic and, you know...
We can let people see how it gets there, right?
Yeah.
I don't like to be manipulative.
No, you're a good guy.
See?
Insincere.
I'm not insincere.
Do people think I'm a dick?
No, it's French.
It means you're in the center.
Incincere.
You're not insincere.
All right.
Are you drinking beer?
Yeah, I thought this would like, you know, I'm nervous.
He's so handsome.
He's so handsome.
And tall.
Okay, thank you.
You're also very handsome.
My friend the other day, guess who?
Lesbian?
Yes.
I made, I'm really getting in with the community.
She said you were hot.
I went to the cubby hole.
Is that what they call their vagina?
Each.
No, it is the last lesbian bar in New York City.
So yes.
No, gingers.
Is gingers closed?
Yes.
Oh shit.
We don't want them in our...
What about woods?
They just have gay night.
Cubby hole is where I picked up a stalker woman who was obsessed with me.
If you can believe it.
All right.
Hello and...
Are you the girl that picked up the shit and threw it out the window instead of
putting
it down the hole?
I really did.
I threw it out the window.
Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.
I'm Adam Friedland.
Nick is out this week.
He's dealing with some family stuff.
And Nick, you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Your hair is good.
Stacking nicely.
It is good.
I put on Nick's jacket so I could feel more like...
Could you do me a favor?
When you blow that...
I'm not making a joke out of this.
Would you blow it...
Would you blow it not this way?
Thank you.
Sure.
He's real about it.
He makes his girlfriend blow it out the window like she's a dog.
I make her?
You force her by hand.
Is that like a power play?
I've seen...
Dog.
I set strong boundaries.
I don't force people to...
Anyway.
You know what?
Strong boundaries.
That's what they said about...
What's his name?
They hacked her.
My boundaries are you're not allowed to be on Instagram.
Yeah.
My boundaries are you have to be with me.
My boundaries are...
Yeah.
You have to be my girlfriend.
But Rick is very good at boundaries.
I have learned boundaries.
You know what I do with Ian?
I get up and he goes, "I'll walk you outside."
And I go, "Boundaries!"
And he goes, "Yep."
And he sits back down onto the couch.
Yeah.
Because he's like, "She's about to me too."
No.
Just because I'm learning boundaries and he's in therapy.
But it sounds like a woman's about to accuse.
Is tha