Name: CHET HANKS | Kobe, BBWs, Jamaica
Uploaded: 2023-10-01T22:56:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CHET HANKS | Kobe, BBWs, Jamaica' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CHET HANKS | Kobe, BBWs, Jamaica' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-01. Transcript available.

CHET HANKS | Kobe, BBWs, Jamaica

you know what the problem is yeah confidence thanks everybody's got this
perception of me
as being mr cool calm and collected but i tell you what i didn't start off that
way as a process
that's true cleaned my room i made sure the cat knows who's boss and then i
prioritize the things
in my life that are really important such as making money so you're feeling
good i feel
great dude honestly i've never been better i'm jealous i'm so stressed about
the show don't
stress it's going to be great if anyone's in alabama i'll be in tuskegee
performing at the moving on up
festival if you don't know an organization that promotes uh women of color in
hot air balloon
pilotship very good organization great organization let's get those black
ladies up in the balloon let's
get them up in those balloons big women big balloons big hearts there isn't
enough representation we're
the sisters in the cloud yeah we want them up there why aren't the sisters in
the clouds yeah yeah uh
anyway good night thanks for watching guys appreciate it good night folks take
care
all right we we out
nikki baby tell me how we actually doing actually doing i'm gonna kill myself
dude always with the negativity listen things are going well i got this big
black lady show
we got rid of dracula and i finally got us a window so we can appreciate the
sunset
it's just a tiny surgery there's nothing to get worried about first of all it's
an average size
surgery but what do you mean we got rid of dracula you got rid of him you
should have seen it i'm so
pimp i pulled up on that playboy and i was like listen if you don't book as a jade
kiss you best
be to step in because i'm gonna bust you up i'm gonna bust you down you spoke
to dracula that way
you're like a black guy i've been watching power a lot anyway listen now that
he's out of the picture
the only thing getting in our way is marty and once he's gone then we can get
to the
fucking interviews without all these zany weirdos getting in the way you think
you'd take care of
that for me oh i don't know man it's just with everything going on with my
penis right now i don't
know if i have it in me to confront anybody i just why are you even getting a
circumcision you know why
all right i'll deal with it but you have to tell me where he is you want to
know where marty is
marty's somewhere i've never quite felt comfortable myself
what the fuck do you want is marty here marty there's some girl here to see you
oh mr friedland yeah what's up surprised to see you around here on the wrong
side of the tracks
wrong side of the tracks burn fucking park slope marty right like a jewish guy
would know anything
about the wrong side of the tracks what are you talking about auschwitz was
probably the
wrong side of the tracks that you could be on that's a very good point what can
i do for you
look we've been working hard on the show oh you've been working hard yeah like
you know anything
about hard work i do no let me tell you something my hands look like this so
yours can look like this
all right my hands your hands okay my hands yeah gay okay gay hands you know
what hard work is
this right here so this is your car yeah does it have like a name or something
yeah of course every
what's the name of the name of the name of the name of the name of the name of
the name of the car
it's marty
you gave it your own name shut shut up man just shut up for once so what's
wrong with it
uh you know i don't know i think it means like an engine or something oh that
would be good you know
what else needs an engine the adam friedland shop and that's me dude that's
what i bring to the table
i'm like the horsepower the stamina yeah you steer the wheel and i step on the
pedals a couple of
five-year-olds out for a joyride in grandma's car high on her stolen medicine
we don't need horsepower
marty we don't need pills from our grandma look man i'm letting you go
come on man stop crying i'm never crying i can see you why me why not dracula
because dracula booked
us a fire guest he got us jade a kiss fire guest yeah what if i got one of mine
stop saying that
word marty hey i didn't mean like we've talked about this hold on he's white i
don't know the rules
with that i wouldn't even fucking risk it it's not professional like a guy we've
had this
conversation look i can get you this guy and he's gonna be good i promise who
your uncle no he's
retired dude and i can't bother him you know he's not coming off that goddamn
island but i can call
his friends like his friends friends those guys but i'll tell you what they do
not like my ass so
it's gonna be tough but i will do it but if i do i can keep my job like dracula
i didn't
say that but mate but i can yeah okay yes yes all right well it better be good
because the last thing we need is any more stupid characters on this show
jesus christ we are fucked has d and i seen this it's all internal all right
let's keep it tight for
the time being no eyes in the office on this god damn i swear to god the cia is
turning into a
fucking joke ah lieutenant colonel noodles so glad you could join us look sorry
i'm late had a long night
yeah i believe it yesterday was 20 years since 20 years since what
since nothing what can i do for you well you're about to have a lot more time
for anniversary parties
what the fuck is that supposed to mean it means i'm taking off the psyops what
you can't do that then
why not well for starters i'm the only actual psycho in this goddamn place that's
not what psyops means
besides we have bigger fucking problems what the fuck is this that's the soil
report from the ukraine
turns out we can't grow anything in the entire fucking country i guess this
climate change shit's real
huh oh what does that mean for us it means we can't grow our heroin we'd have
better luck throwing a
handful of poppy seeds into a pile of dog shit the whole ukraine war has been a
waste it's iraq all
over again someone's gonna die but don't take it personally noodles we're downsizing
all over the firm
what about the labs what labs the labs they use to make covert in why you just
repurpose them use them
to make ecstasy ecstasy ecstasy what is this 1995 you think kids are doing ecstasy
i don't even understand why you want kids doing drugs in the first place we don't
want them to do
drugs they're doing drugs besides you can't convince some 15 year old to start
taking club pills while he's
doom scrolling on tick tock with all this chinese fentanyl around the only way
we're going to win
the war on drugs is with our pure uncut heroin it's nice what you're worried
about huh you're worried
about kids making their own decisions i'm sorry but isn't the whole point of
psyops making sure that
doesn't happen the point of psyops is results and maybe if i've seen one
successful project of yours in
the last 10 years we could talk about the point of psyops wait a minute i got
an idea oh this should
be good tedrick called me last night jeff tedrick you think he's coming out of
retirement for this
man single-handedly took down donald trump not jeff tedrick the nephew marty
yeah okay this should
be good let's hear it what did marty tedrick have to say well he wanted a favor
i guess he's got this
internet talk show he's working on now and he asked me for a big guest to help
him out i had some down
time so i took a look at the thing politics seemed to line up the demo's good
okay i say we use this
show to reboot the hanks program the hanks reboot the hanks program did i hear
this correctly you want
to reboot the hanks program tom hanks is the cia's most valuable asset not tom
hanks chet hanks chet hanks
the wicker we use this show to rehabilitate chet hanks's image we make him cool
why would we want
to do that because that's psyops that's what we do we make chet cool we bring wiggers
back then we use
the wiggers to sell our ukrainian ecstasy to kids then you two get to single-handedly
save this stupid
fucking war and i get to keep my job wiggers huh yeah wiggers
what do you think gentlemen it looks like the cia is about to get into the talk
show business
set it up noodles will do
i've always liked ecstasy and wiggers
oh and noodles what was the name of that talk show
it's called the aaron friedland show our next guest is a five foot ten american
actor and musician
everyone please put your hands together for chet hanks give it up everyone
oh i'm not five ten by the way i'm talking about you looked it up it said five
ten how you guys
doing how you doing
so if you had to like build your perfect chick like what what would what would
she look like
first of all don't cross your legs like that why it's talk show style bro why
do you cross your legs
like that because the intellectual style of crossing my legs
yeah well you need to practice it more well you could just do it you don't have
to do it so
extreme why dude like look look at me crossing my legs and look at you right
now yeah so what
dude i'm talking my ass i look like michael corligone you look like sharon
stone
don't do that dude don't don't do that dude you saw that movie no actually i
haven't we got to watch
it before we go to the strip club tonight are you gonna throw bands dude i'm
gonna make it absolutely
rain make it rain on these hoes these girls are getting a mother-fucking
scholarship that's the
right attitude to have yeah yeah let's spill a little bit of tea from your
experience in los angeles
growing up los angeles which actor inflates the most most actors aren't that
tall tom cruise is five
foot one no isn't he did you meet him at the celebrity center no no i have met
him he's the man right
dude if i could do my own stunts like that i would have you been in action no
no i haven't you only do love
yeah just uh romantic comedies you played comedy well i saw you in in curb you're
good thank you
yeah you kind of got a larry david vibe going on thank you a young a young ld
we both have 13 year
old girlfriends dude you can't put that on ld oh that was jerry yeah 17 year
old girlfriend yeah yeah
i've heard about that what a pimp
do you have love in your life uh yeah i have lots of love in my life what does
that mean you're a pimp
um no i mean i'm single do you subscribe to like the the cuffing season into
the white boy summer
type of cycle yeah i mean i guess you could say it's a cycle or you know you
could just never cycle
off what do you mean stay on i'm cycling right now but that's for the gym what's
your stack oh um hgh
yeah this thing what's your dose how many how many i use a day i i lost count
um i'm not talking about
like how many total like how many i use per day hmm um well i wake up i i take
an iu one iu a day
one iu no that's that when i wake up just for breakfast well i'm kind of on the
mark walberg
schedule what time do you wake up i wake up at uh 2 a.m yeah what time you go
to sleep i go to sleep
at 5 45 p.m i go to wow so you got a solid amount of rest there i wake up i
masturbate i go to church
i hit an iu yeah i masturbate again wow and then i go back to church two
sessions a day well i go to
different churches i go to catholic church and then black church and then uh
temple too i've gone sober
off that yeah i've gone i'm clean so are you a jew for jesus well i went to a
pray away the gay camp
and they just told me that i wasn't gay i was just jewish really and i was like
golly well you got to
tell all these guys golly you need to be more like oy vey no that's part of my
therapy that's part of my
fair work yeah i've replaced oy vey with golly golly yeah yeah shucks yeah shucks
i've replaced uh the k
word with the n-word anyway uh but that was my therapy yeah so then i go use
the k word as like a term of
endearment uh we tried to start it but no one no one respected it really you
know the history behind it
it's actually very funny okay so jews came over in the 1860s the first ones to
come over were german
jews they're like the wasps of jews my people are like disgusting like you know
just like like
allergy like kind of like just 