Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 24
Uploaded: 2023-10-13T06:08:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 24' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 24' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-13. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 24

Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast. It is, I'm sick. I'm
sorry guys. I'm
sick. I know you like the sound of my beautiful voice. It's going to be a
little bit grosser
today. I know it's typically gross, but I'm sick. I'm sick of this war. Nick
and I are on the case
right now. About this situation in the Middle East where we've been monitoring
it I think for four
days now. Yeah. We have a war room set up. We've got a lot of maps, kind of a
lot of touch screen
technology. I just want to know, while this is going on, you know like as soon
as the attack
happened, the Hamas attack happened, and then everybody gets the notification
pushed to their
world war three is starting. Yeah. Hunter Biden is immediately just, just, just
child on, he's got
iPhone 15 pro and regular just filming himself entering a baby. Yeah. He's like
sending it to
his dad. He's like, we're back in business. Nobody can. He's making deals.
Nobody's going to fight.
But yeah, nobody's, yeah. He's the king of the world. He's blowing some Chinese
guy for $25 and giving half
of it to Biden. A business deal that his dad set up a $25 blowjob. Yeah, $25
blowjob and then handing $5 cash to Joe Biden.
This is the diversion that Hunter Biden could need. I hadn't thought of that
angle. I started getting scared last night.
About what? New York City? That evangelicals are right. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean,
this is what they want, right?
Yeah. Well, I don't know. Do you think you'd be invited into the kingdom of
heaven? Well, you know, the red cow thing?
The red heifer. Yeah. So they started bringing those cows over there in the 90s.
Evangelicals were like, what's this cow thing for?
And then the Orthodox Jews that like also think that that's real, that they
need to make the third temple.
The temple in Jerusalem. And they need the cows to do it. They were like, well,
these are good, but the cow has to be born here.
So they import the cows and then breed them trying to make the cows there. And
I guess they finally did it like a month ago.
And all this crap happened? Yeah. They need, I think they need 200 cows and
they need 20 cows or something like that.
One now. I think they have more than that, but. Oh, God. I don't know. This is,
I guess.
It's not going to take a long time for that. It needs to be a mature cow with,
yeah.
I thought you were saying you were getting scared of, um, my girlfriend's
brother called frantically last night.
Uh-huh. And he said that some friend of his is f***ing some girl and she knows
a guy at the government.
And he says that, I don't want to raise alarm, but Hamas is planning on nuking
the New York City subway system.
Oh, they have a nuke?
On Friday.
Yeah.
This Friday, Hamas will be, from what, from what this guy, this friend of his
friend's girl that he's f***ing, who knows someone in the government says that
there will be a Hamas nuke on the subway.
No, nuclear war starts in, in, in Pakistan.
It has to be, I, I, that's the reason why I bring it up.
India is, India is going to nuke Pakistan at some point.
I don't want to, yeah. I think it's probably going to be about this.
It's going to be about, it's going to be about, it's going to be about Twitter.
Yeah, about them losing the meme war.
They're starting to pop off with the memes.
The Pakistanis are just wrecking the Indians.
The Pakistanis are, are going mean.
Yeah.
India's like, uh, doing like, um.
India's like, I love you, Israel, I kiss you so much.
And the Pakistani guys are just like, wow, what a f***.
And then drawing cartoons of them.
The one of the, the Indian guy covered in poo.
Yeah.
Using his computer.
Yeah.
He's on the computer covered in poo.
He's like, I love Israel.
And the Pakistan memes.
Yeah.
I mean, I think that is where it will happen.
Which is weird because you would think that like, because Pakistan is sort of
like the Israel of India.
Why is that?
Well, because it's like, just a, like a territory carved out based on nothing
but like a religion.
Well, I thought what, didn't the British leave in the, and there was a,
there, that was, was there a war?
Yeah, they had a war.
There was a war.
And Pakistan split off.
Yeah.
But, but that would be like, no, India's like the Israel.
Because they gave India the mandate.
Yeah, but India, like India, there's, aren't there, like Sikhs live in India,
right?
They don't live in, they have like multiple different.
Pakistan's Muslim, yeah.
Yeah, they have different religions in India.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Pakistan is the one where it's like, no, we want a Muslim state.
We're all Muslim here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess.
I don't think it's probably, it's probably not analogous.
Analogous.
All right.
Yeah, but the other difference probably also is that Palestine is not a country.
They haven't been granted.
They don't have a right to vote.
What does that have to do?
What does that have to do with India and Pakistan?
Because Pakistan has, you know, military.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Pakistan, you would think that Pakistanis would be on the side of Israel.
Oh, yeah.
And they're not just because they're Muslim, I guess?
I guess, I think that's probably what it is, is that Hindu nationalists are on
the side of Israel.
Anyway, so they'll get these cows and then they'll blow up that mosque and then
build the third temple.
Yeah.
And then I guess there's supposed to be like the Orthodox Jews would believe
and then the Messiah comes and then we have peace.
But from my understanding, the evangelicals believe that their Messiah will be
the Antichrist.
And then there'll be seven years of global thermonuclear war.
And then...
So we're pretty close.
And then, yeah.
And then Jesus Christ appears.
Well, Jesus comes back and he does a battle with the Antichrist.
That's going to be badass.
And the Antichrist teams up with Gog and Magog.
Who's that?
I think they're like two blind Irish brothers.
From my understanding.
They don't sound very effective.
Yeah.
They have cirrhosis in the liver.
Yeah, they come from the north.
And...
Oh.
Yeah.
Man, evangelicals are f***ing stupid.
They're so dumb.
Like, imagine...
They have rock at church?
Yeah.
No, they're going off right now.
They're like, please blow up that mosque and build a temple.
Please build a temple.
The Dome of the Rock?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're like, blow it up, build a temple.
For them, it's all about Jerusalem.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, this is not the same place.
Right.
Yeah.
But the thinking goes, if...
This pops off the next thing.
What Jesus wants is for Israel to ethnically cleanse the entire...
Because, I mean, let's say, you know, how much...
What do we got?
Like 48 more hours of Gaza?
You know...
They're kind of ripping the Band-Aid off, I'd say.
Give or take.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Once that's gone...
How much of the West Bank is still even Palestinian?
What do you mean?
It's still mostly Palestinian, but they're separated from one another.
It's separated into kind of, I think, like 49 different, basically, zones that
are like...
That are...
So how long is that going to last?
Another year?
We got...
I don't know.
Why are you trying to give the evangelicals their timetable right now?
Because I like timetables.
I like scheduling.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, hopefully there's no wars.
Well, let's say they ethnically cleanse the entire...
Let's say they achieve, like, what is the Greater Israel Plan, right?
So it's the entirety.
They take Syria to...
They call it a shtegadot.
Yeah, something like that.
The whole thing.
What?
You think then they're going to just...
Oh, well, yeah.
You get to keep Jerusalem.
Yeah, you get the little dome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, honestly, if you want to save lives...
Like, really, the humanitarian response right now is just for 12 hours, abandon
the bombing
in Gaza, blow up Al-Aqsa Mosque, build the Third Temple, just build the Third
Temple, burn
the F***ing House, be like, okay, nothing, all right, we'll try again in a
thousand years.
Okay.
Until then everybody F***ing kill out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And that would save millions of lives.
Yeah, I think that the Palestinians would still be kind of pissed off at Israel,
and I think
vice versa.
Well...
I think they'd still be pissed at each other.
Well, you've got to send Trump over there to F***ing hammer it out.
Trump's taking shots at BP.
Trump would solve this in 20 minutes.
20 minutes.
Trump's, like, the only American politician that's read the tea leaves that,
after all
the dust settles, the Israeli population's going to be like, what the f*** did
you let
this happen?
Have you watched any of his, like, rallies?
I've watched some of them.
He has no power now, so it's great.
He's pretty much on fire.
He's just, yeah, he's just shitting all over everyone.
He's like, yeah, Netanyahu, he blew it.
Lisa Lampinelli's here.
Yeah, right.
He's just roasting the dayers.
Yeah, right.
He just gets to say everybody sucks.
Oh, my God.
How many black guys has she had sex with?
Yeah.
No, I mean it, though.
They should just build that temple.
You're really considering this angle?
What are they saying, the evangelicals?
They're going crazier than the Indian guys?
Yeah.
Well, because they want the temple built so that the Antichrist is born.
Because as soon as the temple is built...
Is the Antichrist born in the temple?
What's that?
Where is he born?
He just shows up, I think.
He just shows up?
Yeah, I think he's probably about 30...
He definitely has.
What if it's you?
No, it's not.
What if you're the Antichrist?
I mean, it'd be cool.
I would definitely start wearing leather jackets.
Yeah.
I think it would be like a more metal version of me.
It's probably...
It's honestly, it's probably Zac Efron.
You think it is?
Yeah.
He's doing his travel show.
They have an episode.
The war...
They blow up the...
They build the second temple.
The war ends.
And then Zac Efron, the strike ends.
Perfect timing.
The strike ends.
They bring back his travel show.
He's like, we're going to Jerusalem to see this new temple.
Yeah.
And then he shows up and like, you know, he did that episode on water.
And he's drank so much water now that he gets drunk off of it after that
episode.
So I'm like, oh my God, he can turn water into alcohol.
Yeah, yeah.
This is the, you know, to according to the evangelicals, the Antichrist.
So the Antichrist has all the same powers as the Christ?
I think so.
Yeah.
He's like, well, he's sort of like a shadow, the hedgehog, the sonic.
So like everyone...
Wait, do people start thinking he's the real Christ?
Is that an issue?
He's doing all the tricks and they're like, oh my God, Zac Efron is the return
of Jesus in Nazareth.
Yeah, they have to do battle and then, yeah.
But the reason evangelicals want it is just as soon as that temple is built and
the Antichrist shows up,
then the rapture happens.
So they all just get to go to heaven.
And then they watch everyone die from heaven.
From heaven.
Yeah.
That's so sick.
Yeah.
NFL on Fox.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
They have Cletus playing electric guitar.
Yeah.
They're the robot rocker guy.
The Antichrist is definitely...
I think it's Zac Efron.
Yeah.
And who's Gog and Magog?
I don't know.
Regis and Kathie Lee.
Yeah, probably.
Um, today's episode is we have a new sponsor on the show.
We really, really are excited about this one, folks.
We haven't even opened a box yet.
Ginsberg 3.
Lucy.
Lucy.
You might recall the feature film.
Yes.
So what if a bitch gets smart?
So Lucy is our new...
Isn't that the one where she's like, she becomes a genius?
Um, intelligently designed.
This modern nicotine landscape can feel like the Wild West, but we're
scientists, not cowboys.
Made for your routine.
Whether you use nicotine to enhance focus, boost your energy, or relax, there's
a Lucy perfect for you.
Always tobacco-free.
No matter how big the Lucy party gets, one thing's for certain, tobacco will
never be on the guest.
So let's see some of these.
Okay, so they're like, uh, they're, I think they're gum, but we'll, we'll crack
one of these ope