Name: DAVE PORTNOY | Barstool, One Bite
Uploaded: 2023-11-05T22:36:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'DAVE PORTNOY | Barstool, One Bite' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'DAVE PORTNOY | Barstool, One Bite' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-05. Transcript available.

DAVE PORTNOY | Barstool, One Bite

Oh, man, I'm so fucking excited.
This is going to be awesome.
Hey.
What's up, dude?
Where's the sketch at for this week, huh?
What happened to that sketch?
That whole thing you were telling me about?
The Ukraine thing was good.
It was funny.
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, it's just unreal.
It doesn't feel like relevant anymore.
You know?
So what?
You're mad at me about that.
I mean, yeah, it feels like you're fucking undermining me a lot lately.
How could I possibly be undermining you?
Oh, it just seems like fucking weird timing that I write this Ukraine thing,
and suddenly now there's a different war.
So what do you think I did?
I had the Jews that controlled the world start a different war.
Frankly, yes, I do.
That's insane, and it's anti-Semitic, Nick.
Okay, well, then fucking prove it.
Call them.
Call them right now.
Either call them or you're lying.
I'm not going to call them.
They're probably really busy.
Call them right now.
All right, all right.
To your fucking self.
Hey, Siri, call the Jews that control the world.
Calling the Jews that control the world.
Mobile.
Yeah.
No.
On speakerphone.
No.
Put them on speakerphone now, you fucking piece of shit.
No, but they keep...
No, put it on speakerphone now.
Well, wait till they pick up.
Okay.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
It's fucking bullshit.
You know who's orthodox?
On law and order, uh...
Stephen Hill.
Stephen Hill is orthodox.
Is he still alive?
I think he died fairly recently, yeah.
I don't know.
They used to have to stop at two o'clock.
Oh, what's that?
I'm calling.
Hello, you can ask me, Damon, man, put this...
Give me the desk.
I have no idea.
You can see it, you can figure it out.
Hello?
How do you even know it has a speakerphone?
I didn't see this phone for years.
Hey, guys.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Adam Friedland here.
Adam Friedland, how are you doing?
Adam, that favor you asked us, we took care of it.
The war is on.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
No, it was just, they're making a joke, I don't know.
I didn't ask you to start any wars, guys.
What are you talking about?
Did we ask us to do you a favor, the war?
No, I didn't.
I didn't ask you to start a war.
Yes, you did.
I remember.
No, I didn't.
I have a perfect memory.
My doctor told me I have a memory of a two-year-old.
I do, too.
I have a perfect memory.
And you walk like a 99-year-old.
Fuck you.
I mean, I have a perfect memory.
I think they misunderstood, but honestly, this war could be pretty good for the
show.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Nick.
Yeah, it's Nick.
Listen, I'll just tell you what's going on real quick.
Yeah, so I had this sketch I wrote for the show about Ukraine.
And I was really excited about it.
And Adam called you guys to have you start a different war so that the Ukraine
thing is
irrelevant and I look like a fucking idiot.
That's why Adam had all these people killed is so bad.
I look dumb.
Nick, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
You really wanted us to start a war just to hurt your friend?
This could really be bad for us, you know?
You think?
He's a damage.
He'll get his.
He'll get his.
You make us look terrible, you schmuck.
You cuck-sucking asshole.
Whatever you are, you schmuck.
Get easy.
He's just a boy.
He's 47 years old.
Friendship is the most important thing.
Well, yeah.
Anyway, thanks for booking Dave Portnoy for the show, guys.
What do we have to do with booking Portnoy?
Who the hell is this boy?
He knows Portnoy.
You know Portnoy?
This guy's got nothing else to worry about.
Didn't you send us an email?
No, no, no.
If it was from us, it would say send from my Windows Phone.
But I have a Google Pixel.
What?
What are you talking about?
I thought we were going to get Windows Phone.
I can't believe this.
What about...
Listen, we're busy.
We have to clean up this mess, and you're getting on my nerves.
You have the regular channels, two, four, five?
Two, four, sometimes seven, sometimes 11, sometimes 13.
Depends on the weather conditions and all that stuff.
With an antenna?
Yeah, I have an antenna.
Well, it's called an antenna, but I don't know.
It's HD antennas.
There's still channel nine?
There used to be children.
There is a channel nine still.
I think channel nine is from Jersey, right?
Yeah.
Wow.
Look, dude, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have lied to you.
So now you're not talking to me?
No, it's just...
I mean, if the Jews who control the world didn't book Dave Bordoy...
Then who the hell sent this email?
Our next guest is an American businessman and social media sensation.
He has interviewed a sitting president.
His piece of reviews have been performed
performed all over the globe.
He's also considered persona non grata at every NFL stadium.
20 years ago, he started a four-page gambling publication
that he has built into a media empire now worth $1.
Everyone, please welcome Dave Fort and I.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
How does it feel?
$1?
Yeah, it's been a busy, busy month or whatever since it's been happening.
But it feels good to be back.
What if I gave you $2?
That's a 100% profit.
It is a 100% profit.
That's a smart money move right there.
Would you just slice and dice our entire staff?
What about $3?
Triple the price.
Probably not.
No?
No.
No?
No.
Well, Dave and I, this is our dynamic.
We actually know each other from the Jewish media.
We haven't seen each other since the last meeting.
That's the control of the world.
They don't like it when we talk about this live,
but I'm going to blow the whistle on our colleagues.
You've got a lot of people on your shit list, Dave.
You have a problem with that old nun lady.
Sister Jean.
What was your beef with her?
I just thought she was sucking up all the attention from the players,
but she has outlived my hate.
She's still going.
I respect that.
Not many people can do that.
She just turned like 104 or something.
And I took my cap.
Anybody can live that long?
No more hate.
Because she's a piece of ass or no?
She may have been back in the day,
but I do not think that is why people currently are into the Sister Jean.
I think she's smoked.
I think she's a Barstool, what is it, Batty?
No, you just made that up.
You actually kind of reversed it.
You think they're into it because she's a smoke show?
What do they call it, Barstool Batty?
It's actually a Barstool Smoke Show.
Yeah, but it would be better if it was Batty.
Why?
Because it's alliterative.
What?
Alliterative.
What does that mean?
It's a B and a B.
Barstool Batty.
Yeah, you know what?
I was a Miami Hurricane fan growing up,
and they come through the tunnel, the smoke show.
That's where that came out.
Like, oh, here come the hurricanes.
Here comes a pretty girl.
The Michael Irvin years.
Yeah, I did.
I like the kind of outlaw program.
The cocaine years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They stopped doing cocaine down there in Miami?
No, I think that's always in style.
I read that thing about the Heedles,
like an oral history about the Heedles.
I would say complete failure of a project.
They didn't get four or five.
No, they didn't do the one.
Like LeBum said they would.
Correct.
But apparently just the lines for the bathroom during those games were just
like 40 minutes
long because everyone was trying to do bumps.
I don't know if that's true or not.
It's just what I heard.
That's if you heard it.
What, are you trying to defend LeBron?
I hate LeBron.
I didn't know that was an attack on LeBron, saying there was lines in the crowd
to do coke
in the bathroom.
I didn't know that was an attack on LeBron.
Do you hate LeBron?
I hate him.
From the Delonte Fucked Your Mom series?
No, we sold t-shirts for that.
It was very unkind.
I wish I remember what the t-shirt said.
I just did Adderall to wake up.
You just said Delonte Fucked Your Mom or something.
No, it did not.
It had a catchy phrase.
Trust me.
Oh, like barstool smoke.
Smoke show.
It was a catchy phrase.
Delonte's mom went right here.
Mom, like British style?
No, that's just my Boston accent.
Oh, okay.
Popcorn.
Popcorn?
Popcorn, yeah.
They say that in Boston?
That's how I say it.
I don't...
They say a lot of other words in Boston.
I think we're going to go down a path I disagree with.
Are you Kyrie Irving over here?
I just don't think that...
What words are you going to say?
I just don't think it's nice.
I don't know what words you're about to imply that Bostonians say,
but I strongly disagree with it.
Especially at a basketball game.
Like, again, who is this coming from?
Kyrie?
There's a long history of the Boston Garden.
It certainly, back in the day, probably had some racists,
like most cities, but it's...
I wouldn't say it's better or worse than any city right now.
You're saying Boston is the least racist city in America?
No, I didn't say that.
I didn't say better or worse.
You know, I'm from Boston.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Where?
Southie.
Seemed like a Southie guy.
I was there when they called it Saudi.
That wasn't that funny of a joke that you had all your people laughing.
Can I tell you about my upbringing?
Sure.
I mean, it's not a...
It was tough.
I mean, people...
No one wanted me.
I was a fucking orphan.
Everyone said I was shit.
I had shit for brains.
Rattatted.
You know?
I don't believe what you're saying.
I had to fight my way out of my neighborhood.
Okay.
My friends were all common street toughs, and they were in a gang, actually,
the boondock
saints.
Like the movie, yeah.
Not like the movie.
Like the real boondock saints.
I didn't want to get into crime, you know?
So I wanted to make an honest living, so I got a job as a janitor.
Like, so we're going to do a movie.
We're going to go down different Boston-like movies.
What movies are you talking about?
What's next?
I got a job as a janitor at Harvard.
And at night, I was cleaning.
I saw there was a problem on the board.
Unsolvable.
Math problem?
No.
It said racism, question mark.
I wrote down the answer.
They tried to find me.
They were like, how could a common street tough, a rattatted guy?
Correct.
Come up with this answer.
So they find me.
So I was like, so you want me to work at Harvard?
And they were like, no.
We want you to join the state police.
The state-ies, kid.
Go deep undercover with the mafia.
And then I went home, and I smoked weed with my teddy bear named Ted.
Did that go well?
No, you had that fucking look on your face.
If this was in my office, I'd be like, enough.
I get the shtick.
We're doing movies.
We're doing all the things.
I sat here patiently as you completed.
No, if it was in your office, I'd be on a casting couch.
What does that mean?
Wait, actually, I forgot to mention, guys, but what is, it is, like, honestly,
serious
note, it is September 11th, and it's today.
And we are recording it.
We're in New York City.
So I just, like, want to recognize that.
And maybe we can just take a brief moment of silence, just everyone in the room.
So, Dave, what do you make of the reports that Osama Bin Laden was at Fenway
Park on the
10th of September, 2005?
Never heard of those reports.
There's incontrovertible proof.
Who was just watching the game?
We have pictures.
We have pictures.
Look at it.
He's throwing out the first pitch right here.
Well, that's not Fenway.
It's Osama Bin Laden.
Look at the picture.
Yeah, I'm looking.
It looks a little bit like Scottie Pippen.
I always confuse them.
Apparently, they're both hung like a horse.
Oh, is that what you hear?
Field Team Six said he had the biggest one they've ever seen.
I don't know what you would.
September 11th was sad.
I mean, it's not right to make jokes.
I think that's fair to say.
A lot of Jews almost died.
Everyone likes to talk about the GOAT debate.
And you've chimed in on LeBron a bunch of times.
Yeah, yeah.
After 20 years, four rings, countless accolades, do you still maintain that the
GOAT is Brian Scalabrini?
I knew, see, I'm getting used to here.
I knew it wasn't going to be.
Dave, let's see this right now.
Look at this, everyone.
Career averages, 3.1 points.
This is your GOAT, Dave.
I like S