Name: Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon - FULL SPECIAL
Uploaded: 2023-12-04T01:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon - FULL SPECIAL' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon - FULL SPECIAL' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-04. Transcript available.

Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon - FULL SPECIAL

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Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for,
my best bud, Nick Mullen, everybody.
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- Did anybody just, like, trick themselves
into thinking they were getting smarter
because they were paying attention to politics
over the last ten years?
I did that. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I must be getting more mature.
I must be a genius now 'cause I know about politics."
No, they just got dumber.
Like, I've legitimately, in the last two years,
I've had moments where I have been looking at a picture
of Hunter Biden's penis on my phone.
Like, just fucking... No.
Is it really? Okay.
And then someone will come out and be like,
"What are you doing?"
I'm like, "I'm reading the fucking news, okay?"
Are you guys transphobic?
That's the new way to be angry.
That's wild that they whipped everybody up
into a fervor about that.
People didn't even know what transgender was five years ago.
They were like, "Something new, not on my watch.
They're just fucking mad at me."
Yeah, they're going crazy.
They're boycotting everything,
saying everything's turning people gay.
The Target one's the big one.
I don't understand that boycott,
'cause initially, I thought it was over, like,
gay pride month, but Target's done gay pride forever.
And then I looked into it more,
and the conservatives are boycotting Target
because of something called tuck-friendly bathing suits.
Did you see that?
That they're mad at tuck-friendly bathing suits?
And that kind of shocked me, 'cause I'm like,
"What the fuck is a tuck-friendly bathing suit?"
Like, do I just have the smallest dick in the entire world?
That I can't imagine I would have a problem
hiding my penis in a regular women's bathing--
I've never looked at a woman's bathing suit
and been like, "Yeah, no chance, dude, no way."
"Yeah, not gonna happen."
And then, apparently, they're for children, also.
I can understand why they're mad.
If I was in Target and I heard a lady being like,
"Excuse me, my son's dick is too big for the bathing suit?"
She'd be like, "I'm never coming back
to this fucking store again."
"I'm going back to GameStop, where I belong."
Yeah, my son's penis is hanging out of the back.
It's coming out--
It's snaked around to the top.
My son's giant penis.
But, yeah, I don't understand transphobia, you know?
And I say I don't understand transphobia,
and it sounds like I'm coming from a place of moral high ground.
But really, I just-- I don't understand it, like,
as an abstraction, like on a conceptual level, you know?
Like, in the same way that I don't really understand gravity.
Like, you can explain it to me, but, like, I don't--
Like, what is gravity?
Like, fat people just have a secret energy.
That for some reason, the earth is like, "That's the one.
Give me-- I want his-- I want his power!
Give it to me."
And then the moon comes by, and he's like, "Ah, we meet again."
And then they fight over him.
And then somehow that's how women have periods,
is how gravity--
And I guess, yeah, transphobia, same thing.
Because I'll be honest with you, I kind of don't even
really understand what a trans person is anymore.
And, I mean, I try to keep up.
I try to be progressive and, like, read the definitions,
but there's too many syllables.
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm an idiot.
I have to understand things in simple terms, right?
And in basic terms, what is a trans person?
Somebody that's so disappointed by their genitals
that they're suicidal?
Isn't that just fucking everybody in the world?
Isn't that everybody?
Every person that's ever lived?
If I think about the amount of times in my life
I've looked at my dick and said, "Ah, fuck it.
Maybe I'll just kill myself.
Maybe I'll just end it right now."
And now they got a parade for guys like me?
Great, I'll take that.
You can keep the bathing suit,
but I'll take that parade, pal.
Now they're passing all these laws,
these anti-trans laws.
And it's weird, too, 'cause none of them are consistent, right?
Like, they each have a different fucked-up law.
Like, Tennessee will be like,
"They're not allowed to eat rich crackers anymore.
We're taking that away."
That's the Tennessee move, I guess.
But, yeah, they all got them.
North Carolina was the first.
They passed the first anti-trans bill, HB-2,
which banned trans people from every bathroom,
which, that seems like the worst option, probably.
They're gonna go to the bathroom somewhere, right?
Now, every time you step in dog shit in North Carolina,
you gotta be like, "Oh, I hope that was a dog."
It's just maybe a Great Dane.
It has that kind of give to it.
Maybe it was Beethoven and not a very angry lady, hopefully.
But, yeah.
No, they passed that bill.
And it was funny, after North Carolina passed that bill,
banning trans people from the bathroom,
then all of these musicians, they were like,
"Oh, we're not gonna perform there anymore," right?
They boycotted North Carolina.
And then Cirque du Soleil
very publicly added their name to the list.
They were like,
"No, no more French circus for North Carolina."
"Until you're nicer to trans people, we're not coming."
And I was like,
"Yes, definitely, totally.
That is going to be the one, for sure.
That'll be the straw that breaks that camel's back."
Like, there's gonna be some bigoted Southern lawmaker
that's like, "Over my dead body."
"Will trans people use my bathroom?"
And someone's like,
"Mark, I have terrible news.
We lost Cirque du Soleil."
And he's like,
"Not the French moms
that suck each other off in the air, huh?
Not the Quebecois bodybuilders
that oil each other up
and have facsimile gay sex dangling from ribbons."
I don't know if you've seen Cirque du Soleil,
but Cirque du Soleil
is what they think trans people are doing in the bathroom.
That's what they imagine is happening.
Like, they're in there,
they got a goddamn lion,
there's a ring of fire.
They got a laser show, like a Tool concert.
How am I going to explain that to my eight-year-old?
I can't do it.
Anyways.
Yeah, I was actually,
I was down in the Carolina somewhat recently
'cause I had to get an abortion.
I guess that's the other thing.
You have to be careful bringing that up, too,
now that that got taken away.
That was sort of a doozy, right?
You would think, with all the trans stuff going on,
women are like, "Whew, we're in the clear."
And then they were like, "That's a face."
"There we go, fucking one more."
"We will get you, too."
Take away abortions.
He goes, "But yeah, that is a sensitive topic."
And I don't really know what to say, you know,
if you're a woman and it affects you,
'cause there's nothing I can say.
I can't fix it, right?
I just have to be like, "Hey, you just got to know
it'll get better," you know?
Yeah, you got to keep the faith is what you gotta do.
You gotta pray, honestly.
You gotta say, "Dear God, please kill those people."
You gotta say, "Thank you."
"Thank you."
"Thank you."
"Take away abortions."
"Take away abortions."
But yeah, that is a sensitive topic,
and I don't really know what to say,
you know, if you're a woman and it affects you,
'cause there's nothing I can say.
I can't fix it, right?
I just have to be like,
"Hey, you just gotta know it'll get better."
You know?
Yeah, you gotta keep the faith
is what you gotta do.
You gotta pray, honestly.
You gotta say, "Dear God, please kill those kids."
Because it's up to you now, God.
And she'll do it, too.
She'll do it.
God will do it, yeah.
Oh, you didn't know?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
God's a woman.
In fact, I know that because I found out
apparently half of all pregnancies end in abortion,
which only a female God would allow, you know?
And so, of course, when God does it,
they don't call it an abortion.
They call it a miscarriage, which is--
I always thought that was a funny name for it, right?
Like, a miscarriage?
Like, it's just like your pussy just has, like, bad shocks.
Yeah, it's sort of a bumpy ride.
It just kind of fell out, so...
That's what it is.
Goofy name.
But...
Yeah, like I said, I live in New York,
so I don't ever have to worry about it.
You can kill your baby forever in New York City.
They'll never pass the law.
In fact, now, in New York City,
they're doing this thing
where if you're from, like, a real fucked up place,
like Indiana,
they'll fly you to New York
and they'll put you in a hotel
and pay for your abortion,
which is cool,
but it's also creating this, like,
bizarre tourism industry in New York City,
where people, like, come to New York
and get an abortion
and then go see Hamilton
in the same afternoon.
They're like, "Well, we're already here.
We might as well check it out.
It'll be fine.
I'll put a towel down and it'll be fine."
But that is good.
That is good.
I think it's good New York's doing that,
helping people out in that way.
I will say this.
As a New Yorker,
I'm a little concerned
as to what impact those added abortions
will have on our sewer system.
No, look.
I'm not...
I'm not being crass.
That's not a crude joke,
but this is 100% true.
You can look it up.
The New York City sewer system
is on the brink of collapse, right?
It's a serious problem.
It's all backed up with fat.
And the reason for that,
and I wish there was
a more delicate way to put this,
is because New York City
is filled with dagos.
It is.
It's filled with Italian people
that just keep dumping olive oil
down the kitchen sink all day long.
They can't stop.
They wake up.
They're like, yeah.
Lasagna breakfast.
And they jam it
down the garbage disposal.
They just do it all day long
to the extent
that they have to run
fucking PSAs
where they're like,
please stop flushing ravioli
down the toilet.
You guinea moron.
You're destroying the sewers.
And...
And then it all clumps up
in the sewers.
And it's very funny,
because in the PSAs,
they call the fat clumps,
they call them fat bergs,
which hilarious to blame it
on the Jews,
even though...
Even though it's the Italians,
to scapegoat them once again
is very funny.
But it's like, yeah,
what happens when you add
a bunch of fucking embryos
to those things, you know?
'Cause I don't know.
I'm not a fucking scientist.
But I'm pretty sure
that's how you get
the Ninja Turtles, I think.
If I remember the plot
of that movie correctly,
I think that's how it went.
Yeah?
That's why they all got
Italian names, right?
That's where that...
Yeah.
My...
My mom was an embryo.
My dad was a bunch of gnocchi,
and here I am.
I'm full...
Hey, I'm Leonardo, I guess.
I'm the red mask one.
I always confuse their masks.
I never understood
why the Ninja Turtles had masks.
That never made sense to me.
What was the point of that?
Like, who's gonna be like,
"Hey, who was that guy
that was just here?"
Did anyone get a good look
at that man that was here earlier?
If I had to hazard a guess,
I'd say maybe one of the four
mutant turtle men would've been
going on the same thing.
But I can't be sure.
He had a mask on, so...
So I don't know.
It's crazy that those movies
are still coming out.
The Ninja Turtles movies?
That's wild.
They're just, like, getting away
with the Splinter voice still.
You know what I mean?
Like, there's...
There's one of those movies
coming out in a month.
The turtles are like,
"Let's go get Shredder."
And then there's just a rat
that's like,
"On the secondary..."
Like, fucking...
Just nobody's mad.
Nobody's mad at all.
The studio's just like,
"What? It's a rat accent.
I don't know why..."
That's how rats talk.
And they make one of them a year.
I don't know how...
How'd they get away with that?
But...
Was I talking about abortion?
Oh, right. Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I had to go...
I had to go to the last time it happened.
This is weird, too.
I keep catching bodies
over the last couple years.
Which, uh...
Which kind of sucks.
'Cause I'm like, I'm old now.
I'm not a young man.
You know?
And it didn't happen when I was young.
I would've been like,
"Whoo, thank God."
But now, every time, I'm like,
"We can start a family."
And they're like, "No, no."
"No, sir."
"I'm not having a racist podcast, baby."
Yeah.
But yeah, no, I had to go down.
I had to go dow