Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 35
Uploaded: 2024-01-04T13:42:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 35' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 35' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-04. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 35

hello it's the adam free land show podcast 2024 first episode of the new year
let's give it up for
the new year here with nick we're just kicking it what would you say nick said
we were kicking it
old school i've never heard you talk that way before yeah we're talking finance
crypto bitcoin
is the economy going to rebound this year you see andrew tate came out um in
anger against israel
he has for a while he's muslim andrew andrew tate's muslim he converted i
thought he was gay
no no he he's a the king of all pimps oh he's the total boss they call him the
boss or like
the absolute big big dick savage something or other no he's been critical of israel
for a while i thought
this was like a gay penis symbol is this his symbol no that's diamond dollar no
he does the yeah the
rock away no he does this it's the rock anytime you see an interview with andrew
tate he's always
he's always like doing like a spider move like this he's always like i got i
gotta and maybe he's doing
the red triangle that's the i think he does like an andre kind of maybe that's
the symbol of hamas now
is the red triangle what is that chinese it's like uh in the videos of them
blowing up the tanks oh the
like a call of duty you're shooting someone that's a big argument online is hamas
will
the uh the the hamas guys will post gopro videos and i'm shooting an rpg at a
tank
and then the the guys named like uh you know like one of these israeli guys so
okay
fucking uh they'll respond and be like didn't blow anything up it is from uh i
guess the tank their
tanks have like a like some kind of like thing that if there's you shoot a
rocket at it'll
like like intercept the rocket oh iron dome a mini iron yeah which seems kind
of like that's kind
of cowardly i think there's too much shield shields yeah there's israel does
too much shielding well the
star of david is also known as the shield of david you know like call like call
of duty with like
the right right the right gear plus throwing knife uh-huh that's like sort of
the israel loadout
really yeah is the most annoying which to be fair was my class of choice when i
played that was your
style yeah oh yeah riot shield plus throwing knife so you're kind of advocating
for video games in the
same way that i would never be but if you were in the israeli army you would
have more honor i would i would
you would go in naked no what i would do is i would go into that tunnel with
the shield crouching
and then just the throwing knife uh-huh and then i'm invincible and then they
waste all their ammo
is that like that's like a hack it's like playing as the the little guy and in
uh it's extremely i
mean and it's in what goldeneye yeah odd job odd job yeah i remember it'd be
people would get very
angry you get in the lobby afterwards and get very upset and they're like the
fuck you ride shield
fucking faggot yeah why don't you come meet me and i said when i lived in texas
you think the hamas
guys are like that when are you when i lived in texas like you could you get
put on texas servers
and you'd play with texas wiggers yeah and be like me me and my partners
partner yeah yeah those
guys are the best paul walls yeah yeah yeah because that was they can't say the
they don't say the n-word
you know who you probably played with say part partner yeah you know you
probably played with
post malone oh really yeah he's from dallas and he's sick nasty at call of duty
really i saw a video
of it is he uh did he die no he's great oh yeah he's great he he's uh starting
a lot of raising
raising cane franchises these days he's also going more uh acoustic singer songwriter
less hip-hop these
days which for some reason i like much better yeah i don't know why i always
think that guy's dead
post malone i'm a big fan i like him a lot yeah but there's something there's
like a death aura around
him there's a loneliness about him i'm not talking about his mood or his
disposition i mean just based
on his like sort of cosmic place what what what gives you that vibe it's just a
vibe thing i don't
know it's like you see a color surrounding you know so you know people are
always like oh abe vegoda's
dead uh-huh and i'm sort of like that with him really like nothing i hope he's
not dead it has nothing
to do with his mood it has nothing to do with him or his career or it's a big
it's a big come down
oh is it huge i'm not even saying anything critical i'm saying there is a death
aura probably hurt
what if he probably doesn't listen to the show anymore because it's less good
oh yeah but that
would probably hurt his feelings he probably loves you it really is annoying
that we didn't
make more money off come town why because it was popular now it's bad and i don't
think the amount
of money that we have is enough right that's really the audience because here's
the other problem too
is we also sold out you know what i mean we haven't sold out because we're
still independent we're still
indie yeah but we sold it look first of all this episode is brought to you by nike
yes nike uh and
an iphone yeah yeah it's annoying to sell out and then not get brother we have
not even begun selling
out yet we have a lot of selling out to do and i think that was a commitment
both of us made because
in in life there's two paths you can take as an artist right you can either
sell out and you you
know you you're like ah you know i hate this thing it's not fun anymore but at
least i got millions and
millions of dollars or you can be a guy that failed and you're like at least i
didn't fucking sell out
yeah at least i got my integrity you could be like um yeah i'm gonna die from
from a splinter the way
of the samurai i stepped on a rusty nail and that ended my life because i don't
because i live in
abject poverty from from wasting you know uh my entire young adulthood on the
arts right and now
and now i'm i'm 40 and uh i don't know how to type well that has nothing to do
with your life
i'm for i'm 40 and i'm putting uh proficiency in microsoft word on a resume
that i submit there
well that's not your life your life is no but nick is an incredible touch typist
that the audience
doesn't know that also he's got girl handwriting i don't know if we've ever
said that on the show
before you think i have girl i think you have girl handwriting it's beautiful
it's so tidy your
personality is messy handwriting guy no i mean i have like clean handwriting
but i don't think it's
girl handwriting do write a sentence right now on this paper i don't have a pen
adam can we get a pen
let's get them and i'm not saying that i'm not saying that in a mean way get i'm
saying this as a
compliment folks you already know what's coming dueling handwriting analysis in
just a moment
as soon as the notebook is out here and this motherfucker wants to start with
me on no it's
not a criticizing no no first of all he puts a heart let the games begin okay
he puts a heart over
every i and j lowercase j ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha girl handwriting what does
that mean let's hear the
most obvious joke you write what i saw i opened a notebook recently it said mrs
adam friedland mrs adam
freedom you wrote like fuck so i was trying to fucking forge your mom's social
security survivor
she's not my wife yeah i was trying to i was trying to steal the money you get
from your dead
mom she's not mrs adam friedland you were writing that because you said and you
said am i going to
live in a mansion a house an apartment or sewage what what sentence are you
writing i'm writing mrs adam
friedland okay mrs can you see that mullen should i write it big should i write
it big okay here hold
on let me write it big so that the camera can see all right so let's do a
little comparison
i don't love my handwriting
that's girl handwriting i don't love my handwriting go up to the your camera so
they can see i don't
need to i wrote it big so they can see no let's what's that that's fine you're
punching in
so i'll write it bigger and then let's this is my impression of adam's
signature
i changed my signature
i decided it was embarrassing he decided it was embarrassing i came up with it
when i was like in
in a eighth grade oh you're not doing my actual all right this is my
handwriting
yeah that's funny i mean that's just so do some analysis on my handwriting
i mean it's funny it's like you look at this what do you make of that if i were
an fbi profiler i would
say this man has no internal monologue whatsoever what do you mean do you think
i'm just an empty
vessel this is just a yeah this is this looks like a chinese person copied
letters out of
out of like a school workbook with no understanding of the meaning behind them
i know what that says it just means and that's no i didn't there's no irony
there
that was a genuine sentence that i wrote genuinely with a brain full of love
here's
adam's chinese here's adam's signature
that's adam's that's how adam's signature looks
what is it that's cool it's hip-hop style it's
it's every letter no that's graffiti hip-hop every letter is a different type
of nose
that's pretty good yeah it's pretty good yeah it is good it's good the m is
really good it's like um
what's his name that comic strip what's his name is he nuts no no izzy what was
that comic strip
it was about a guy about a guy with a nose like that
ziggy
how's your spelling oh i spelled it wrong again my spelling yeah i'm bad speller
that's also another thing that i mean and i feel i gotta get another i gotta
get another eye all
right analyze this analyze this fbi hey you're uh hey you're looking at my
penis that's good hey
welcome to therapy hey oh yeah yeah i have a penis meet the parents i have a
penis i have a penis can you
me do you know that the sopranos and that came out like within three months
analyze
penis analyze penis yeah yeah they were both about mafiosos showing their penis
so billy now i have both notebooks here i don't understand what's going on let
me see your handwriting
i want to do a little analysis okay i am jody foster in in silence of the lambs
mr lector mr lector mr lector mr lector mr lector mr lector that man next door
through come on me
i'm terribly sorry please i loved how he had good manners how was your meeting
yeah that anthony
what's the anthony healed is the head of the hospital that was your meeting
with dr lector
i was pretty good but the guy next to him threw a cum on my face
yeah i just i just want to let you know before i get out of here this man uh in
the cell next uh
hannibal lecter he throws he threw a handful of cum in my face and uh you know
i am an fbi agent so
i have something to confess to nick what here you go i beat off at the office
yesterday why why would
you tell me that because it's i gotta be honest what did you where adam left i
got a horny for a minute
beat off into a paper towel but in threw it out in the bathroom but where
onto a paper towel on the couch you'd be no in the utility room standing in my
chair
not in your chair standing and i caught all the cum i just feel like i have to
be honest with you and
i have to be honest with the audience i don't want you putting your bare ass on
my chair
i'm not doing that to jerk off i'm doing that in a kind of a january 6th style
oh nancy see how
he likes this i really can only you can only hope that nancy pelosi's been
getting like
fucked up utis from that guy's from that guy yeah that she's just getting that
she's still to this
day she's had she's had pink eye my pussy she's had pink eye for three years my
pussy stinky again
and it's because she's just getting there's still particles wait so is this
sentence the
handwriting sample like standard sentence it's the one that to demonstrate a
font a font the quick brown
fox jumps over the lazy dog okay so because i it has every letter in there
because i said that he
has girl handwriting he's trying to do this more guy style but that's what my
handwriting no it's still
girl have me write it have me look i'll do with my left you do b this style
what that's a low