Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Kurt Metzger - Episode 47
Uploaded: 2024-03-29T20:56:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Kurt Metzger - Episode 47' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Kurt Metzger - Episode 47' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-29. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Kurt Metzger - Episode 47

Welcome to the Adam Friedland show podcast. Guest today. Give it up for our
guest today.
Thank you. Let me see this now. Because you were the first person I know to vape.
And you were vaping in the era of...
You had to load your own fluid.
It was R2-D2 basically. You would walk around with the whole setup.
I actually liked it.
Now everybody has disposable vapes and you have found some kind of in-between
where it's a disposable vape but still also like a fucking mp3 player.
You have two of them.
Yeah, because that one is dead.
Oh, all right.
Well, you recharge them.
You recharge them, but everybody has rechargeable vapes. I've never seen one
with like...
It's called a geek bar?
Yeah, I'm glad you have it. It's called a geek bar. It gives a display.
Is that like... Oh, a genius bar, I guess, is Apple. The geek squad is...
And does it tell you what... Like it's like a mood ring? What information do
you have on there?
There's a tomodot sheet.
Your blood pressure?
Your T-cell count?
It tells me my brain data.
Yeah.
Your T-cell count is 185.
My cells are looking good.
Keep vaping.
Yeah.
You know, if I have to take my Biktarvi or not, it lets me know.
Which Biktarvi? Is that an Iranian medicine?
No, that's American medicine.
You never heard of that?
No, it sounds like a Persian...
Biktar.
It sounds like nightclub medicine.
It's some fucking...
I have to take my Biktarvi before I try to get pussy.
No, it's AIDS prep and the commercial, it's always black.
It looks like it's the name of the guy that has AIDS on the commercial.
Like a...
Yeah.
Whatever, patient zero of AIDS, the airline steward Biktarvi that sped it
around.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot that story.
That guy with the sunglasses.
Yeah, he's not...
Have you ever seen...
Have you know that story, the AIDS patient zero story?
It was like a gay flight attendant.
A flight attendant, right?
He had pictures of him.
Yeah.
And all the pictures I've ever seen of him, they make him look like the jackal.
Like...
I think he's called the jackal, right?
Yeah, like he was like this kind of butt assassin.
Oh, yeah.
You're fine.
You're good.
Yeah, you can leave him as far back as you want.
You can.
You're $4,000 chairs.
I would like...
Oh, I'd like...
You know where these are from?
Where?
A courthouse in Alabama.
Really?
Yeah.
So just think about the guy sitting in here giving the death penalty to radio.
That's what I was thinking of.
Yeah, basically.
The radio?
Except he would sing radio to death while sitting in this luxurious...
Radio Gooding Jr.
Yeah.
I mean, I understand the boy is simple, but he is africoid.
You got to split the difference there.
Maybe we can kill him with candy.
Maybe that's the Christian answer is to kill this.
That was one of my old...
When I first got here jokes that I remember I had dropped to do Comedy Central
was...
Because they were talking about executing people who were mentally retarded.
And I was like, I think it's okay as long as it's done in a retarded way.
You shoot him out of a cannon or...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you sell it in your own.
And now that word's made a big comeback, so...
Yeah.
I mean, you could say it.
It's crazy because it's like...
I mean, Texas does that all the time.
It was funny because I remember as a kid, you learn about that.
And I don't think I ever had a joke, but when I was in New Comic, it was like,
Oh, you got to write about this, dude.
There could be anything funnier than the idea of executing a mentally disabled
man.
That's basically a perfect joke already.
The guy saving his pie for after the execution.
Right, yeah, yeah.
That's what Clinton did.
That guy, Ricky Ray Rector, that had blown...
He had shot himself, so he made himself like eight.
And he was like a shitty criminal.
He was a piece of shit.
But then he didn't know where the fuck he was.
And Bill Clinton to be tough on crime, you know, before he was getting elected.
In Arkansas, you mean?
Yeah, and the guy, he had pecan pie, and they go, do you want it?
And he goes, no, just save it for after.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
I mean, in fairness, one of the probably the nicest things Bill Clinton's ever
done for anyone.
If you stack it up.
I think the saxophone was pretty nice for America.
Saxophone's cool.
No, it's a crime.
Why?
I don't know.
I didn't have anything to back there.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I was just saying, up until I was probably 25, when you hear about, like,
the state executing mentally disabled people,
I was imagining, like, you know, like a sweet, you know, like what you know to
be a mentally disabled person.
Take a pet to the vet, and you have that carry-all with the happy cats on the
bus.
Yeah, it's not old yelling.
These are, like, criminally disabled people.
It's a different kind of thing.
Like Batman, the home for the criminally disabled, the Batman fights?
Yeah, yeah, Arkham.
Basically, it's basically Arkham.
It's basically Arkham, yeah.
Yeah.
They all basically think they're clowns and stuff.
Right, yeah.
It's very strange to go in the, so did you guys see Alabama?
I think this, this might, go ahead.
Comedian Alabama?
Yeah, no, Alabama, I guess, you know, they can't get the execution drugs
anymore.
So they've been having a concoct, new...
Just make them themselves.
In a bathtub?
So they use nitrogen, which I think they, like...
Like laughing gas?
Yeah, they, like, carbonated...
Nitrous oxide?
What is nitrogen?
It sounds like they're giving them the bends.
Yeah, right.
They actually need a guy with an, um, it apparently didn't go well.
That sounds, that sounds, yeah, it is the bends.
That's what happens.
You get nitrogen bubbles in your blood.
Yeah.
But that's from, like, a depressurization.
Because you're, I would imagine, because the atmosphere is, like, something
like fucking 70% nitrogen to begin with.
Isn't that, it's mostly nitrogen?
Yeah, so they, what I read, I was like, this, is this, like, is this the bends?
Are you carbonating these people again?
Yeah, yeah, right.
And, uh, so the guy, it's just like, we just want to do this juicy execution no
matter what.
And, uh, damn it, there's got to be a way.
Well, the firing squad seems to be the most humane.
And Utah is the only one where you can do that.
The injection fucks up all the time.
Yeah, right.
well it's because they can't get the drugs and then also because of the hippocratic
oath doctors
aren't like the ones administering it it's like some it's like other disabilizing
china shoots you
in the back like how about having the humanity of china just shoot a guy in the
head right yeah but
they don't i think because isn't the firing squad like they put one guy has a
blank so nobody's one
guy has a blank but you have when you have like fucking like like 15 you know
like 30-odd whatever
you know cards but now i i i'm terrified of using the wrong bullet words
because then you get the
gun guys that are like whoa that's not a magazine whatever the you know charlie
from streamer
the guy that would fall got the thing with sneaker and he was like this is a
clip this is a man who's
sneaker what you know that the guy that fought uh he's like like a lewis j gomez
but not a father or
anything like a fatherless boy oh okay who's he an online person sneaker dude
it's hilarious
puerto rican rattle sneak yes and he fought uh who's that guy sean fitzgerald
the ufc guy uh i don't
know this is what i'm saying like sugar sean oh no that's a that was a big tall
white guy but i don't
follow fitzgerald fought lewis j gomez this is why i'm comparing him to lewis j
gomez he goes because
sneego was like asked if he could spar with this guy who's like the champion i
guess
it's the most embarrassing thing and i think this kid got brain damage oh from
sparring the
guy's just standing there's all right all right and he was boo also pete is
that picking up there's
now there's a new noise in here we had when we moved into this place it was
like great we sound
treated it no problems and now there's there's a machine shop next door and now
there's all day long
it sounds like a cat finding a place to like this scratching noise that keeps
coming i don't know
if it could be can you hear that okay all right all right never mind yeah
forget it i mean you can't
soundproof though i just kind of it's a soundproof as a guy we are in an office
building adam what are
these called in cloud panels your friend gave us yeah yeah so we have acoustic
treatment and then we have
drapes and we have carpet and then there's more acoustic treatment back facing
the uh air conditioning
units in the alley behind oh my god last night i went to uh the cellar so i
didn't see mike chain
a long time he was there i guess does rosebud and all them right on snl yeah
rosebud does so it
must have been snl there was another dude like i can't remember his name but i'm
like the one in
thompson yeah no it wasn't keen it was home i don't know it was just like the
writers and like so
dude i think i open like hey i started talking about the my favorite the p diddy
right yeah it's
great okay and uh alex dude alex speaking of uh radio just got added to the
case did you see that
cuba gooding jr oh i knew that was i knew he's in the documents yeah dude i've
been blathering about
we got him p did ladies and gentlemen we got him we got him i've been blathering
about the p diddy
thing for like two years i feel like this thing is kind of like it's like
remember when the catholic
church stuff broke and it's because the catholic church you're not allowed to
be gay and the same
thing with the black community like if you could just be a gay black guy i mean
you can kind of you
i mean you really but you got to be like uh like a amazing technicolor dreamcoat
rupaul drag race
style you can't just be like a regular you can't there's no tim dylan it was
like you know what i mean
like you can't oh right they got us keep if you're a tim dylan gay you got to
keep it secret exactly like
tim did back when he was young that's the same thing with the catholic church
so now it's like
you got all this repression and that's what causes it yeah i guess okay that's
why omar was such a
fascinating character because they were like oh he's both homosexual and the uh
to me improv making
out with the dude and brandon his boyfriend yeah they i thought that's an
improv scene they went whoa
because they really didn't know he was gay until that happened oh really but he
was just doing gay
he brought that yeah he didn't know the camera's rolling he did gay shit
because we're on they go
well yeah what are you doing and he goes improv oh wait so i'm an actor so when
i'm bringing up that
story you know and uh everybody's like what they all acted like why would you
even and they went to
that's like well he was a shit face but like well i mean he talked about black
stuff but that's okay i'm
like you guys aren't all talking about i guess they're young so maybe no it's
like elvis times to them
that p did when pd was big yeah but don't you have run the weekend up like the
new you're not gonna have
no jokes about that right yeah it's fucking bizarre dude people since i got
here what there's like a
silencing thing happening with it it's not i don't think it's to protect p diddy
i just think it's a
thing of like uh we just don't know anything and it's on purpose it's going to
wait for more
information again it's one of those situations where the less i know the funnier
it is that's a lot of
situations yeah yeah oh no dude the the situation is not so what you were just
talking about like
they can't just be gay no this is roy cone blackmail gay uh yeah so compromise
well that's what i mean
that would that but roy cone is this is a perfect example because roy cone only
was able to do what
he was because of like uh like a dominant culture of homophobia all think about
all the bad things that
have if you if you just let gay people be gay right then in the 1950s and 60s
the cia isn't they have
no blackmail think about all the bad that happened well there's always kids i
but yeah bu