Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58
Uploaded: 2024-06-14T14:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-14. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Literally.
Sam Talent.
Oh, man.
Sam Talent cosign is a big thing.
This is Rufat.
Say hello to everyone.
Rufat Agayev.
Hey, how's everybody doing?
I feel like you thought too much about your outfit for your first Adam Freeland
show.
No, I just wanted to do something a little more spicy.
You know what I mean?
It's like...
I don't know about spicy.
It's your tackle vest.
It's the white man bulletproof vest.
I don't...
Do you have Molly's and Zan's in there?
Have you...
Did you ever sell drugs?
I've only done weed and mushrooms, and I just got a little joke.
You've only done weed and mushrooms?
No, I meant sold them.
Nah, I've never sold drugs.
I got into Christianity way too early in my life.
Really?
You're a straight edge?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really?
Just pornography.
Evangelism?
All I was doing was pornography.
Oh, that was your one advice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How could you not?
It's tough.
Yeah, I guess so.
I was really into it.
There's no like...
Yeah, there's no stopping.
You haven't stopped since?
I'm trying to.
Yeah, until I can suck my own penis, I don't think I'm going to stop.
That's pretty much what I'm working towards.
Yeah, Sam was like, yeah, you got to have Rufat.
He said he saw you in Denver opening for Joe Pera, and he's like, who is this
guy?
That's a big cosign, dude.
Sam is him.
That's a big cosign.
He is him, man.
Like, when you told me that, I was like...
You were geeked off of that?
I was a little geeked because he's one of the few people that I watch and I'm
like, shit.
Yeah.
You know you covet.
You're like, oh, okay, I need to level up now.
I need to rid myself of all worldly, you know, fun and activity, and I need to
get good.
Yeah, no pussy.
I need to actually get good at this.
Until Sam Talent sees me.
Yeah, I think a lot of the time I'm like, how sad I am that Patrice is dead
because he
would have loved me.
I would have been his favorite.
I'm pretty sure.
That's every new comedian or like every comedian's worst thing that they could
do for their comedy
is try to be Patrice O'Neill.
Why is that?
Because to be Patrice O'Neill, you have to like experience all the things that
he experienced.
Life on the inside.
Be shaped like him.
Yeah.
Have the same voice.
Like, it's just there's so many different like formulas.
Spiritually, I feel like I am.
Yeah, like you can't, you just, you ruin yourself.
You try to, trying to be him.
Yeah.
You know?
Spiritually, I think the way I talk about women on stage is pretty much.
Oh, like Patrice.
I do word for word Patrice bits actually.
No, you know, I got actually called out at the comedy store by Ari Shaffir and
Joe Rogan
for doing that thing about how there's an African guy named Kulu in the
audience.
And I was saying, I hate your name to him.
And I was saying, I was like, Kulu.
Have you heard that bit?
Of course.
That was on like, I don't know what album it was on, but it was like, it was
like, it was
a crowd work thing.
Yeah, he went off.
He's the best ever.
He went off.
Dude, I, it was so, Mike Racine and I, I think we're in Nashville and they have
those
like, it's one of the worst places in America.
It's like.
Really?
Yeah.
It's like.
Then why did Taylor Swift move there?
She, she's racist.
Well, no, it's like New Orleans.
Like I want to do New Orleans, but like with less jazz people, you know, I don't
want the
jazz people messing up.
You don't want jazz?
No, I think I meant black, black folk.
Yeah.
They don't want jazz style people.
So it's like, it's just the fattest, just the absolute fattest bachelorette
parties.
Just like you see these, you see these, you see these just fucking Vince Wilforks
walking
around.
But one of the things they do is they have a tractor trailer and then you just,
they, they
literally go on open top tractors and do like a booze tractor thing.
Like listening to get low by little John.
They literally move these, move these women with, with farm equipment.
They need, they need industrial farm equipment.
But Racine and I were joking around, uh, about renting the, uh, one of those
out just, and
just the two of us somberly listening to best of Patrice O'Neill on women, just
like a
in, in, in a tree.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just like on the street loud, just using the sound system to listen to, to Patrice,
to just
the elephant in, in the room or something.
Um, I do want to say guys, I haven't been on the regular episode in a while,
but I, so
I haven't got a chance to plug my tickets for this weekend in Vancouver.
Tomorrow I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia.
And I've sold about 11 tickets over, over 17 shows.
Um, someone on Twitter was like, what if I buy all the tickets and then don't
show up?
And I was like, yeah, he's going to, he's going to Drake you.
No, he tried.
No, he tried.
I was like, yes, buy all of the tickets.
Who did Drake do that to recently?
He did it to 50.
He did it to 50 cent or 50 cent and did it to somebody.
50 cent did it to Ja Rule.
And it was like a stadium.
Oh, that's still not over, man.
Yeah, they, these guys, they need to, they need to squash.
I love, I love that, uh, that Milwaukee Bucks halftime show that he did.
Who, Ja Rule?
When they weren't fucking with him.
What happened?
He got booed?
And he was just like, he didn't get booed.
He got, it was worse.
He didn't get anything.
Have you ever been to Milwaukee?
No, I think we were talking about it.
It is, it is like a...
Joe's a big time fan.
Really?
That's his favorite.
It's like, uh, it's like, uh, segregated.
Like one block you're like in, uh, Williamsburg.
The next block you're in, like, like Chief Keef Chicago, Wild Hundreds.
Oh, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't realize it was like that.
I thought it was like beer and bratwurst and like, what are fat people?
Nah, uh, uh, this is a...
Kyle, the guy from the Black Lives Matter, the shooter.
This is a...
What's his name?
Kyle...
Kyle, yeah, Rittenhouse.
Rittenhouse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't need...
I feel bad even saying the name.
That's so...
I don't know, dude.
During my episode, I said his name.
I don't care.
I don't care what the court says.
Kyle, I'm gonna look at the camera.
I think you're a bad boy still.
I think you should have...
I'm gonna win it back.
I'm gonna redeem myself and give you a deep cut Milwaukee person.
Cuckoo Kyle.
Give it up for Cuckoo Kyle in my projects.
Who the fuck is the Cuckoo Kyle?
You didn't watch BT in the mid-90s?
No, we have an audience of racists.
Oh, okay.
What do you...
Well...
Of course I know who Cuckoo Poo is...
Cuckoo Kyle in my projects.
I am the walrus.
He's a Milwaukee rapper.
He is.
Yeah, yeah.
And what does he rap about?
How he's in his projects.
Oh, my word.
You're a former rapper.
But you only rapped about Christ?
No, no, no, no, no.
I did a whole career for the devil.
I started...
You stopped with Christ rap.
Yeah, I stopped with Christ rap.
What kind of...
What were your bars like when you were a Christian rapper?
They were...
You know...
Here was my thing.
I was always like, I'm a rapper that's Christian, not a Christian rapper.
Yeah, I'm a business man.
I'm not a business man.
I was trying to be cool.
You know, I was like...
Yeah.
I was trying to infiltrate the world.
Like, my big thing was I wanted to, like, get Kanye saved.
And then...
When it came out, Jesus walks.
No, I know.
You knew he was Christian from the jump.
But, like, I wanted to make him, like, evangelical, like, you know, just...
How are you going to do that?
Kidnap him, like, Borat style?
No.
The ending of Borat, I always forget, is so funny when he puts a sack over Pamela
Anderson
and he robs...
Okay, so back in my country, back in the day, that was a problem.
Oh, yeah.
So, Rufat is also half Armenian, half Azerbaijani, and half...
That ain't white to me.
But that's kind of...
It's a beautiful thing.
It's like you're half Palestinian, half Israeli.
They hate each other, right?
They...
Yeah, but they're, you know, they got similar customs and they were...
People forget they were...
They were, you know, they lived amongst each other during the USSR.
So, they weren't always so mean to each other.
But you think as a half-half, you could go to the border and just do your set?
And maybe just bring...
Why?
Just, like, you get the...
Because I'm in a weird place where, like, Azuris get mad at me because, you
know...
I...
Or not all Azuris, but they get mad at me because, you know, I stick up...
I stuck up for, you know, the Armenians that got displaced during this past
thing.
Kim Kardashian's fine ass, like, those kind of people.
They ain't all like that, man.
Also, Kim Kardashian's half.
She's not full.
Oh, so you...
Come on.
You're not trying to claim her?
I'm not saying I'm not trying to claim her.
Jews try to claim someone with one drop.
Who?
Fucking Paul Newman, I think.
He's Armenian?
No, Jewish.
Oh.
He's Armenian.
That'd be cool.
What is it?
What's your...
Well, you guys are fighting a war over, like, cell phone kiosks or something?
No, no, no.
Have you ever seen that video of...
I think they're Armenian dudes that went to join ISIS.
Like, they were, like, LA gangbangers.
I gotta pull it up, dude.
They went to join ISIS?
They were, like, shooting sideways.
They were, like...
Come on, man.
They were, like, crib walking and shooting sideways.
Wait, Pete, can we pause one second?
I'm sorry, dude.
You gotta pee?
Or you gotta...
It's right here, bro.
That's so embarrassing.
What?
You dropped the...
I need my bop off.
I need my bop off?
Where's my bop off?
Okay, we're gonna start.
All right, yeah.
I'm gonna find you this video.
All right, find me the video.
Yeah, Armenian, ISIS, LA gangbangers.
Dude, it's really funny.
I think they're...
Yeah, they're like,
We in Syria, homie.
All right, homie.
All right, homie.
All right, homie.
All right, homie.
Fucking...
It was on the enemy.
I was right there, homie.
Can I see...
I was at myself, homie.
It's a creeper, homie, from that Jesus 13 gang.
Homie, some value gang, homie.
Fucking whiner from where's our Armenian?
Power gang, homie.
Still Puro Surreños putting it down, homie.
And Middle East, homie, in Syria, still gangbanging.
Yeah, I have nothing to say.
I have nothing to say about that,
because I don't know who...
You know, I don't want to be found.
That's just visibility, bro.
That's just visibility.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I have nothing.
Those guys...
Just accept the visibility.
Those guys seem very cool.
If you get one...
If you get one guy...
Yeah, I'm not trying to start you.
You're like, okay, we made it this far.
Like, people where I'm from,
like, when they threaten you,
they will do it, you know?
Where, in Florida?
No, just, like, from around the Caucasus,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, but we're really far away.
Were they going to come over here?
I mean, they could, man.
Take some shots at some Caucasus...
Take a shot at someone over there.
Who, me?
Yeah.
No, I'm good.
Don't you have, like, a village idiot or someone
that you don't like?
Probably over there.
I haven't been there in a while, bro.
Is it Borat style?
That's what Americans think about everywhere like that.
We just assume Borat.
They think we're, like...
But think about every...
It's pretty racist.
Think about every movie that you see,
like, somebody that's, like,
kind of like that.
They're always, like, a sex trafficker,
or they kill John Wick's dog.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
We never could do anything.
Or, like, not even the main sex trafficker.
They're, like, one of the first to die.
Exactly.
It's, like, sex trafficker number two.
They give it to, like, the, like, Russian guy.
But then how come you guys don't get any of the sex trafficking shit?
You guys do it.
Because we're doing it.
You guys are the best at it.
Because we make the movies.
You understand?
Oh, yeah.
You get it, though.
Wait, how can you traffic and do the movies?
Well, we're not going to put it in the movie.
We're not going to be, like, Little St. James, the island, the movie.
That's a little bit too