Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 65
Uploaded: 2024-08-02T20:39:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 65' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 65' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-02. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 65

Woo!
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.
Today's guest, Ari Shaffir.
What's up, buddy?
What's up?
I don't know.
What's up?
Sound very down.
Down?
Yeah.
No, it's just, it's, if I don't get here like 30 minutes prior and get those ACs
running,
I mean, you can feel it in here.
This is relatively hot.
It's not only hot, but it's like a dusty, it's like a dust sauna.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And so the heat is like, it's...
Do you have to go over ideal ways to record a podcast with a buddy?
This is, the climate in here, it's like when you, it's like cleaning out a dead
relative's
attic.
Yeah.
It's like that kind of heat where it's like, it's just disgusting and it's not,
it's not
like you're going to get it clean and feel better.
Yeah.
It's not like one of those heroin 28 year old cleaning outs.
No, no, no.
Where it's like things are still pretty good.
You're finding all your, you're finding all your grandpa's Nazi memorabilia,
which he...
Oh, you went to Trinity?
Which he bragged about.
He bragged about and it's, now it's disappointing.
It's not much of a collection.
You thought he was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not even like high level.
No, it's Donald Duck with a swastika armband.
It's not.
It's most of it's counterfeit.
A lot of it is his own drawings and he's not even good at drawing.
There's just nothing.
Like you did it wrong.
You did it the Hindu way.
You're not even...
You're an idiot.
Yeah, you're just...
This is just good luck.
There's just nothing.
Your entire life sucked.
You were a mailman.
You spent 70 years as a mailman.
Do you think after the Holocaust Jews started painting the Hindu swastika
because they're like,
now it is good luck again?
No, I don't think that happened.
Oh, okay.
Why would I think that?
That's what I mean.
That's how hot it is in here.
Your brain is just not functioning.
What was that?
Did you think after the Holocaust Jews were painting the Indian swastika being
like, well,
now it is good luck?
You know, it goes the other way.
I know it goes the other way, but I don't follow the logic of that premise at
any step of it.
Okay, so...
Just for starters.
After the Holocaust, they weren't painting the swastika.
That wasn't a big thing that was happening.
So even like the joke premise of like, maybe they were like, maybe they were
painting it
for this reason.
Yeah.
Because they weren't.
So it's like, okay, well, let's...
Okay, so now let's imagine that the Jews are painting the swastika.
Yeah.
Why are they painting the swastika?
Because it's not the Nazi one.
It's the Indian one.
Yeah.
And guess what?
It actually is good luck.
Yeah.
And it's like, well, why would it be good luck?
I don't understand.
So before the Holocaust, it was just the good luck sign.
Uh-huh.
And then in the early days of the Holocaust, people were like, wait, that's not
the good
luck sign.
And then the Germans were like, no, actually, it's far from good luck.
It'd be like, after 9-11, do you think United Airlines was like flying planes
into buildings
being like, oh, actually, it's good?
It's not an inside job.
This is our inside job.
No, not even...
I don't understand.
I don't...
Okay.
I don't understand.
Picture a picture...
You know, like the days right after the slavery was abolished, but they were
still like slaves,
they hadn't got the message yet?
You could have just said numbers at me.
It could have just been like, how about this?
5-8-2-A-B-6...
And I would be...
No, not even those kind of numbers.
Oh, okay.
I mean, just like weird, just disparate code.
So, I'm saying the Germans were like, hey, Drew Schmeilstein, it's time.
You got to paint swastikas all day.
But he was like, wait, I heard the fucking Holocaust.
These guys don't have any control anymore.
You know what I'm going to do?
I can't outright say no.
They'll just put a bullet in my head.
But they weren't making Jews paint swastikas.
You don't think any?
I don't think so.
Painting need done.
Yeah, I don't think...
I mean, were they painted?
It looks like it was mostly flags.
They had their own, like, Betsy...
You think it was an early obey?
Who I want to learn about is Nazi Betsy Ross.
Nazi Ross?
Yeah.
Who was Nazi Betsy Ross?
Who was that?
Yeah.
In between shitting on Hitler's chest for boners.
Who was, like, crocheting a flag?
I'm having one of those days where people keep calling me.
Why?
Who does that?
Well, the stock market is crashing.
Is that real?
Yeah.
Right now?
All of my clients...
Look, on the side, I've been lying to people and telling them I'm a financial
advisor.
And I am in a lot of hot water now.
Because I have lost millions of dollars.
What, do you just yell diversify at them?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm like, look, Intel, here's why they're losing jobs.
They don't have enough black ladies.
You got to...
Yeah, GameStop.
It's still pushing it.
Everything's going down because we're going to have a black lady president.
So they're like, get out of the stock market.
Well, once you have a black lady president, you don't need a black lady
anything else.
So it's going to kill all the other jobs.
Imagine a black woman going into Apple being like, I want to work with
computers.
And they're like, well, you're already president.
Right.
Before this, they're like, yeah, yes, yeah.
I mean, we all saw hidden figures.
Do they have a genius bar with Jay?
Yeah.
That they all work at?
The J-E-A-N.
J-E-A-N-W-U-S.
Yeah.
Like, I wouldn't go to that side.
Yeah.
But now, right, no jobs available.
She's going to win?
What do people say?
I don't really follow it.
I think she's going to win.
I mean, I thought Biden could have won, too.
Could have.
Down to the last two, you got a chance.
Yeah.
I don't think it was like...
Because I don't understand what, like, all of the drama and the pageantry of
the election
aside, I don't understand what Trump's platform is.
None of them.
Well, I mean, but Trump in particular, it's like they came criticizing, saying,
oh, he
wants to do Project 2025.
And then he goes, no, I don't.
And it's like, okay, well...
What do you want?
What do you want?
And there's no answer there.
So it's like, I don't...
Like, the only reason to vote for Donald Trump is because you're participating
in his, like,
grievance war against the deep state, which you can't win.
You can't beat them.
The deep state?
You can't.
No, you can just join them, I guess.
Yeah, I mean, if there was a chance to beat them, it would have happened during
his first
term.
But instead, what we got is, like, him just immediately giving all of those
guys jobs again.
Yeah.
Remember when he was like, I want to clean out the swamp?
And he was like, afterwards.
Come on, guy.
That's like, that's metaphor.
Yeah, we're not actually going to...
Like, what's metaphor?
Sure, yeah.
We're not going to clean out the swamp at all.
Yeah, it'll never happen.
I can't believe you spent this much money in a studio and got these fucking off-the-sidewalk
chairs.
These are not off-the-sidewalk.
Are you saying that just to trigger me?
Yeah.
How does it do?
No, these are, like, designer chairs.
Really?
These are, yeah, these are Ames Time Life Lobby chairs.
These are very hard to find.
In this color, too.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
This is a cool, like, 70s color, 60s, 70s color.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, these are...
I could turn around and sell these for...
I mean, we bought them for...
I paid $38.50 each, but...
$38.50?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How much could you sell them for?
Probably around that, four grand.
Yeah, I mean...
Do it.
Well, when the show fails, yeah, for sure.
We have to liquidate everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That'll be a fun fire sale.
Yeah.
So you're editing your new special.
Are you talking about that?
Are you excited about it?
I am.
Now, when you say editing, are you sitting there with an editor, or are you
doing it all
for four days, and then we finished it, and then there were some jokes in there...
Right on.
...that just don't work anymore.
They don't work.
It's crazy how quickly that fucking happens, dude.
I didn't go on the road for, like...
I just had six weeks off, where I just wasn't on the road.
Well, I'm not selling tickets anymore, so CAA's not really booking me.
But that's my own fault, which I'll say this.
If you're in Irvine, California, I will be at the Irvine Improv, which is
probably the
biggest room in the country.
It's huge, mongos.
It's enormous.
And we've got to move those tickets.
If you came last time...
You've got to move those fucking tickets.
Please come out again.
Basically, everybody that came to Irvine two years ago, I'm coming back.
I canceled the show last time because they had me going back there doing the
same hour
of material that I had already done.
Smart.
Not smart.
And then they had me in Brea six months afterwards, too.
It's like they understand this is what killed all the old comedians, is touring
with
the same hour every year.
And they're like, all right, go out.
It's been eight months.
And you're like, we'll have a new hour.
I was like, come on.
You're prolific.
It'll be a different hour, and I will never tour again.
So this is your last chance to see me do stand up on the West Coast.
That's what I'm doing.
In January, I'm doing my final tour.
January, February, March.
Well, you're 75 years old.
That is true.
I mean, you shouldn't be working anymore.
Yeah, they don't have ramp access.
Is your dad still alive?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
That is crazy.
Just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro a few years ago.
Over the years, occasionally, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I was talking to my dad,
or you mentioned
your dad.
I'm like, he must have been born in like 1870.
He's pretty old.
He's pretty old.
I don't understand.
I mean, well, good for him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think he made a deal to get out of that.
What is he?
I imagine him as like a guy that calls into Washington Journal on C-SPAN.
He wears a suit on the reg.
Yeah.
Just like normal stuff.
Anything except gardening, he's wearing a suit.
Those Washington Journal callers are the best.
They're always like, they're like, my name is Ethel Groceries, and I am 114
years old.
And the way that they're talking about Joe Biden, who is the best president I've
ever seen
in my life, is horrifying to say that he's a young man.
That's a young man.
I don't think he's old enough to be fit.
To say he's too old.
All they did, I don't understand.
How did they even get the phone?
They pre-taped that show, too.
They're like, oh, wow, I got to call it in the Washington Journal.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
It's two sides of the coin of the big fan who calls it about the giants.
Uh-huh.
You know?
He's like, well, let me tell you what this whole like...
Yeah.
That's a good movie.
It was a pretty good movie.
Yeah.
Patton kind of killed it in that one.
What's that?
Patton killed it in that one, kind of.
Yeah.
Underrated performance.
Yeah, he's a good actor.
I mean, he's been good in a lot of stuff.
Yeah.
I did.
I thought he was a rat in Ratatouille.
I liked him most in Dollhouse when he played this guy who had his fucking wife
died or
something, and so then he had some fucking hot chick dress up as his wife, and
he got
to, like, pretty much fuck this sex slave for a while to, like, make the
grieving process
happen.
Sci-fi.
That's cool.
I'm trying to remember other movies.
It's an episode of a show.
Oh, it's a show.
Yeah.
Dollhouse is the show?
Who was in it?
That hot chick.
Carmen Electra.
It wasn't Carmen Electra.
Well, I'm out of ideas.
I got nothing.
I think she might have dated Louis afterwards.
Mm-hmm.
I always like to imagine, like, the way Italian guys get horny for Carmen Electra.
Still.
Dude, I saw her at the CVS, or Rite Aid, on Sunset in Fairfax.
I'm trying to find a bitch who looks like Carmen Electra.
Liza Dushku.
Oh, okay.
Didn't something weird happen with her?
I feel like that whole era of-
Yeah, she hit 30 and failed.
Yeah, no, I think there's, like, a whole era of those kinds of, like, WB stars
that were
all just, like, sex robots created by the Pentagon.
Like, they've all got, like, we