Name: The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Brace Belden - Episode 86
Uploaded: 2024-12-28T15:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Brace Belden - Episode 86' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Brace Belden - Episode 86' from The Adam Friedland Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-28. Transcript available.

The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Brace Belden - Episode 86

hello hello hello hello those trays cut tourists welcome to the adam freelance
show we got brace
belden in the house today hello mr belden how are you i am you got a hot new
podcast out chop
a trap house how's it going trap house i'm looking for unlicensed sex noises i
found this sex sound
with from bashal banjati playlist free male sex noises okay so we're not going
to get dmca'd for
this it says free male sex noise all right this is it's up to it's up to nick
uh free male i just
want to hear what another guy sounds like when he's having sex you know i've
only heard hot chicks
oh that's just a guy talking this is bullshit all right so we're off to a hot
start today happy
holidays to everyone happy holidays it's christmas christmas time christmas we
walked past macy's
today coming out on christmas you should say merry christmas merry christmas we're
gonna say merry
christmas again you say happy holidays in november yeah or even the beginning
of december if you hit
somebody with that happy holidays on christmas that's too far that's like that's
pushing it yeah
yeah that's that's the problem is though i think hanukkah starts on christmas
this year does it yeah
which doesn't seem right everybody just even listen to the way you're saying
that hanukkah starts on
christmas yeah it's true christmas starts on on that's hanukkah's problem it is
you celebrating this
year hanukkah yeah absolutely not no it's horrible i quit what's wrong with it
it's just you just
fucking just light a candle at the end of the day you don't have to fucking do
anything we don't have
to do anything it's the easiest holiday no christmas no it's hard you got to
put up decorations and
shit you got a tree in your house no we got a tree no it's great i don't put
plants in my house
it's all electronics yeah you're copying that's nick style it's i just don't
have room for a plant
because if i got a plan it's better for the air or something i got i got some
giant like 1920s
ferns yeah yeah yeah yeah turning us into a jungle that's what i like i like
that look
are you completely i bought ferns before and they die because you have to like
bring them over to the
you have to play beethoven to put them in the water yeah well watering them is
not the problem
it's figuring out the right amount of sunlight yeah yeah it's something i can
figure out you have
a dark an orchid for a while those are tough no the ones they sell the what are
they called um
fowls well we got a florist right here follow follow panina we didn't sell
the follow paninas or or yeah the follow panini oh the micro paninas the foul
do you spritz them with a
little bottle um i did that for a little bit but no you just stick your finger
in the in the moss
yeah to see if that if it's dry yeah see if it's dry good god i thought you
were a florist yeah but
that's like two different like were you a floor i was a florist for six years
and what are they called
what are they they did for italian men no the real the the easy orchid is
called like a fallop and
paninas well we didn't even sell you gotta understand we didn't even sell that
i worked for three greek
brothers uh oh they're greek at a flower stand on the side of the highway for
years at one point like
shit what highway it's black it's black dude it's black you want me to get it
no it's all right i just
don't i'm worried it's gonna it's gonna look like later it's there's gonna be a
stand i'm not worried
how it looks like because it might you know it's not soaking so you have that
event later too well
i gotta that's tops and tops and tails yeah yeah you wear a top hat and a tail
and you otherwise
completely nude yeah yeah a butt plug with a tail coming out yeah little fox
things um no i worked
at a flower stand for six years on the side of the highway in san francisco and
what highways are in
san francisco it's multiple highways really yeah but 19th avenue is where i was
off okay i worked for
three greek brothers uh and it was the orchids were like two i would ask about
orchids sometimes because
people would ask about them they're like we don't sell that like that's like
too fancy for us really
we just sold we sold a dozen roses for 7.99 i was like a supermarket no it was
i mean that's like the
price of this it's like the price of a super or the deli yeah that was our big
our big competitor
was the safeway flower section i i live in new york so i don't believe that you
should own anything
you know if you want something you go see it where it's available to the public
yeah you don't you don't
bring it at home go to the botanical garden if you want that's where plants
live yeah it's like
well i don't need a tiger at my house i don't live in fucking you know central
park st louis suburbs
i'm with you on that it's like when people have big dogs in their little
apartments it's like no
you go see the dog yeah where they're supposed to roam which is like burnt out
streets or whatever
but you bring them home with you no i don't yeah i don't do anything you've
never said that when
you're in my apartment yeah but your dog is you don't really have a big dog she
just has a big head
dog she's a little pit and you need a medium dog i really need that because
like if someone broke in
your house you're not going to do anything i got a billy club i showed it to
you yeah but you're not
going to use it i'm going to protect my family with that billy club somebody
would be i was actually
carrying out of his apartment somebody to steal the billy he would go he would
go excuse me hello
are you what are you doing here did i have are you delivering excuse me hello
you're delivering
something take her take her you think icy would protect you no you don't
probably no ice he doesn't
bark he probably would go it's a vicious killer kind of dog yeah but how does
the dog know it's a bad
guy because you're crying yeah because the first black guy you love in the
house well why wouldn't the dog
attack my girlfriend i'm constantly that's true yeah yeah because you don't let
her you don't let
them be around each other because your girlfriend has to cast a spell on the
dog with her tampons yeah
she has that's well she she you feed that to him no she she eats the panties of
period after the
dogs eat men like when a girl's on menstruating the dog will eat the yeah and
then women are like
isn't that gross and it's like what that you bleed all over the place like your
dog would
yeah and then she's like that dogs get periods yeah yeah that's my girlfriend
if i can get her spayed
but she's not down or neutered i don't know what the one you're spayed you know
when i was a kid
because you know i only knew about that from what is it fucking wheel of
fortune there what's
it called price is right price is right and i thought when i was a kid i
thought they said
and remember to have your pets sprayed or neutered right so i thought if the
dog was a girl they had
like a like there was a spray like an anti-vagina spray yeah that you just
spray in there like they
sprayed acid into the dog's and it like how do they how do they cut remove the
ovaries how do they do
that they go in there they remove the ovaries yeah they go in there but i
thought it was until i was
27 years old i thought it was like a they just like put it like they spray like
hydrochloric acid
into the yeah jesus christ it's like a chemical burn jesus yeah i i i don't
know if i told you about
this before but when i was a kid i got sent away and lived on like a
reservation but indian reservation
yeah um but you were you wanted to be a you wanted to be a native american for
i want to be a brave for
halloween in in fifth grade in san francisco obviously so your liberal parents
were like oh you
think that's you think that's an appropriate costume go live there you know
what we're sending
you off go live there sell cigarettes at the store you're a cherokee now your
your mom's dressed like a
construction worker your dad's dressed like a like a sailor yep yeah yeah yeah
both my parents were gay
men yeah yeah yeah you were saying they were all ymca together it's so funny
that's what i was meant
yeah yeah yeah it's so funny trump's song is the having sex in a shower song it's
so sick it's so sick
when i saw trump play in philadelphia he did ymca twice like bookended his set
with ymca
and it's like it was electric well no one knows how to do it i don't even know
how to do it like
the dance and so it's not it's not you know it's actually very clever what
trump does with those is
he's like remember the early 80s yeah and so he's like it's like kind of
creating this idea that like
is this reagan it's not at all no but when he does with the make america great
again thing he's just
like he's trying to make you think he's ronald reagan well or donald trump in
the 80s when he was a big
right yeah who was friends with ron reagan that might just be like the last
kind of time he listened
to music it probably is no that's not true didn't he like pardon boozy like
this yeah but that's not
it it's not like you got i got kodak black out of jail yeah right yeah yeah he
did he listens to
soundcloud rappers he does have like a relationship with rappers that other
other like biden just does
not have they love yeah biden only knows black people from like corn pop like
looney tunes cartoons
back there racist yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah cole black the seven dwarves
yeah all those guys man yeah friends with all of them you know the brothers
wear zoot suits yeah the three
crows they got a big old chain hanging a song and it's about the south
i mean it's just well biden's biden's experience with corn pop when corn pop
was real that's not
i was like biden is gonna win like he's gonna be president did i just remember
watching the initial
video and it's like such a boring story the no the story is crazy the story
about him going to the
pool no the story is he's a lifeguard he's like hey calm down the guy's like i'm
gonna beat your ass
and then he walks out and the guy doesn't beat his ass it doesn't beat his ass
no but he said that
he used to brush he used to brush his the hairs on his legs no they would brush
the knife against the
curb to make it rusty yeah yeah and in a barrel yeah he'd put it in a barrel so
it rusted but they
didn't stab joe biden with the knife that's the thing it's like these guys had
a scary weapon that
they didn't think about the corn pop video was that he was talking to little
black kids in bikinis
he was talking to like eight-year-old kids yeah yeah and they were like bored
and confused yeah
he's like telling some sort of rambling story about like yeah about like a like
a like a prison punk in
the 1950s yeah he's he's sitting in that like there's that picture of biden it's
actually
magnificent of him sitting like in the lifeguard chair kind of like like happy
and all these like
kind of like eight-year-old black kids like sort of looking up at him kind of
confused why don't we do
that with like wheelchairs why isn't there any tricked out wheelchairs where
you're like up super
high sometimes oh yeah like make him like oh like a monster truck yeah yeah
yeah yeah well sometimes
you see like and interestingly enough oftentimes crackheads will have like
wheelchairs with like
a lot of accoutrements on it but yeah fit it out flags and speakers all kinds
of like bags hanging
from them and stuff but like you never really see they should also put
sometimes put them on if i was like
rich and i had to be in a wheelchair put me on a horse make me go through
everywhere on a horse
i would say turn me into the black guy from twisted metal his arms are yeah
yeah yeah that's pretty
good axel yeah axel yeah he was great actually he kind of sucked like in the
game i really i mean
sweet tooth is the only good one the clown clown and then the motorcycle guy is
good which is that mr
grim is that the the grim reaper kind of guy well his name's mr grim but his
head is a skull he's more
like that like ghost rider yeah ghost 