Name: Monologue: Halloween Special | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2022-11-01T01:14:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Halloween Special | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Halloween Special | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-01. Transcript available.

This video is brought to you by the end of the presentation.
This video is brought to you by the end of the presentation.
This video is brought to you by the end of the presentation.
This video is brought to you by the end of the presentation.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the future.
The future of center-left late-night talk.
Fuck you, Stephen Colbert.
Suck my dick, Jimmy Fallon.
And why are you famous, James Corden?
This is the Adam Friedland Show.
Trick or treat. Smell my feet.
Give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care. I'll pull down your underwear.
Your underwear.
Now we've all heard this children's nursery rhyme multiple times.
But have we really heard it?
Pull down your underwear.
That sounds like sexual assault to me.
It's Halloween time and sexual assault is back.
It's on the rise in this country because children everywhere are pulling down
the underpants of unsuspecting Americans.
And I ask you a question.
Should we stand for this?
Must we sit by while Americans' underpants are being removed by children who
have a blood lust for Snickers bars?
Now, sorry, what's the next part?
Don't worry.
I'll keep going.
I'll keep going.
This is it.
This is the thing.
Right.
It's 5:00 p.m.
To have your underpants pulled down.
To have your genitalia exposed.
And to have a child laugh at it.
Should we stand for this?
Where's the government?
Where's Nancy Pelosi?
Well, many of the cowardly media will focus during Halloween.
Talk about Nancy Pelosi's husband for a second.
Maybe she's in the hospital with her husband.
Now, while many members of the cowardly media will focus during Halloween time
on the treats.
Here at the Adam Friedland Show...
Talk, maybe go into Nancy Pelosi's husband a bit more about how...
What do I say?
Well, he's gay and this guy...
This guy...
Yeah, yeah.
You know, he's a gay prostitute.
Well, we don't know.
It's not confirmed.
It'd be irresponsible to report on that.
Okay, but say it to the audience.
Mm-hmm.
They gotta know.
All around America, tax-paying citizens are living in fear of children pulling
down their
underpants and exposing their genitalia.
Where's the government?
Where's Nancy Pelosi?
Perhaps she's in the hospital with her husband who just suffered a vicious
attack from a homeless person.
He's not homeless.
What is he?
He's a homosexual prostitute.
I don't want to pause with that.
It might be irresponsible.
Yeah, I mean, okay, but just to be clear, so we're on the same page.
He's, you know, it's fake.
The website is fake.
This fucking guy, you know, they're trying to paint him as some kind of MAGA
guy, and the website didn't exist two days ago.
They made up this fucking website for this guy.
Uh-huh.
And it's, look.
Well, I don't, I haven't looked into it, but, you know, her husband was
attacked.
He's made a lot of money on the stock market.
You know, he seems like a good guy.
So, I don't know.
It's another Ed Buck situation.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Ed Buck and he likes to fuck, of course.
Okay, anyway.
I'll stop interrupting.
You look great.
This is going great.
Okay.
All right.
Dude, honestly, this is the day.
This is it.
We're going to play it this way?
This is good.
I don't want to be vaping on the camera, though.
It's all right.
You look good.
You look cool.
This is as good as it's going to get.
This will be an afternoon show.
People are going to have to be patient because this is going to be a fucking
work in progress.
While many members of the cowardly media spend the Halloween season focusing on
the treats,
we here at the Adam Friedland Show aren't afraid to ask about the tricks.
What's happening?
Yeah, you're all right.
You're all right.
No, I don't want to do a bad...
No, don't worry.
Go on.
Okay.
All right.
Now, this might come as a surprise to many of you, but...
Make me sexy.
I want...
Give me a sexier...
Let's do it.
Now, this might come as a surprise to many of you.
But I'm not afraid to say it.
I've been the victim of pantsings.
Multiple pantsings at the hands of children.
Trick-or-treaters that have pulled down my underpants and laughed at my penis.
But guess what?
It gets bigger.
And you don't even have pubes yet.
Who the fuck are you to judge me?
Now, anyone who's followed my career knows that I've never been afraid to
publicly state that I'm proud to be Jewish.
But I'll tell you something else you might not know.
I think old Jesus of Nazareth made a couple of good points.
One of those points was this.
Let he who doesn't have pubes stop laughing at my penis.
And we should ponder that on this Halloween.
As children molest us.
And as our country falls apart.
But I digress.
Jason Voorhees is back in the news with the 13th installment of the Halloween
franchise.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh my god.
I'm fine then.
You're doing good.
I fucked you up.
You fucked me up.
Why...
But I digress.
Look, man.
I'm drunk.
We gotta get this shit done.
You gotta stop because it's not good for you.
Okay.
I'm living.
But we're living our dreams right now.
It's not like...
I'm fucking...
Okay.
It's gonna be fine.
Here.
I'm coming out.
Just...
Alright.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, don't worry.
We'll get to this.
You wanna run it?
Okay.
We got...
Don't...
No, no.
Not with this because they're gonna make...
No, no.
They're gonna do posts about it.
They're gonna do posts about it.
I don't want you like...
Hey, everybody.
It's the Adam Friedland Show.
And Adam is doing great on the monologue.
So you keep interrupting.
I told...
I promised him.
You can cut around.
I promised him we'd get a teleprompter, but I didn't do it.
Yeah, but I wrote the copy.
I think this is a good copy about my penis being exposed.
It is good.
A lot of people can...
It's very good.
I thought maybe I would need to come give you some support here.
Okay.
No, I feel good.
I feel alright.
Look, it's...
It is now...
6pm.
Halloween.
And we're getting this one way or fucking other.
This is coming out tonight.
My family is watching this dude.
I want to look good.
You look great.
Alright.
I'm sorry.
No, it's alright.
Are you mad that I came out?
No, I'm not mad that you came out.
I think...
I love you buddy.
We did it.
I love you too.
We fucking did it.
We made a TV show.
Fuck you.
Fuck monologues.
Fuck late night.
All this shit's gay.
Especially that Indian bitch.
Whatever her name is.
Tell them.
Fuck off.
Okay.
Alright.
Hmm.
Okay.
But I digress.
Jason Voorhees is back in the news with the 13th installment of the Halloween
film franchise.
Now, at 6 foot 5, Jason's pretty scary to me.
But the scariest character in the Halloween franchise has always been Jamie Lee
Curtis' penis.
You like that one?
That's right.
I thought it was alright.
I don't even think we need that.
I was going to add laughter in.
But I think we'll just fucking...
I'll just laugh and shit.
Or people can laugh at it.
I don't want it so deconstructed.
I want it professional.
You know?
Yeah.
You did the lights so good.
I just wanted like...
We'll go professional.
Yeah.
Alright.
Hold on.
Let me show them.
Look at this.
Look at how it's set up.
Look at how it's set up.
Well, I thought we revealed it during the episode.
No.
You're revealing it.
We'll do it that way.
Okay.
Yeah, look.
I've got all this shit here.
Look at how good this looks.
Yeah.
It looks good.
Look how fucking good I don't know.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Sorry.
Yeah, go.
Okay.
And let's not forget the mummy.
What's the deal with the mummy?
This guy's used so many bandages that Bernie Sanders is like...
What?
I'll do it again.
And let's not forget the mummy.
Hey, I wrote this once.
Yeah.
This is Nick's.
Yeah.
Okay.
And let's not forget the mummy.
What's the deal with the mummy?
This guy's used so many bandages that Bernie Sanders is like...
Whoa!
Not so much healthcare.
No.
Sorry.
The line is...
What is it?
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
Yeah.
In fact, when you walk through...
I just want a beer.
That's alright.
Dude, we'll drink all the fucking beers tonight.
What is it?
I want you drinking beer tonight.
What is it?
I want you drinking beer tonight.
Alright.
Shut up.
The line is...
Yeah.
The mummy's back in the news.
This guy's got so many bandages.
Even Bernie Sanders is like...
Maybe we should rethink this free healthcare thing.
Yeah.
That's good.
Say it.
So the mummy is back in the news.
Have you ever looked at that guy?
He's got so many bandages that even Bernie Sanders is like...
Whoa.
Maybe we should rethink this free healthcare thing.
What do you think of that?
Laughter.
Laughter.
Laughter.
I'll add it in there.
Okay.
We're cooking, dude.
Let's go.
What was that?
Mind the law!
And don't even get me started about that crazy doll Chucky.
You think there's like a Cajun guy that just loves...
What?
There's like a Cajun guy that loves Jimmy Fallon.
Midnight.
Alright!
Mind the law!
He just loves...
That's his favorite thing in the world.
Late night mind the law.
A Cajun?
Boy, I did!
Mind the law!
That's good.
Yeah.
Alright.
Maybe.
Probably.
You know.
How many Cajun people are left in this country?
I don't know.
I mean...
It's probably like 200.
The Popeye's family?
For sure.
Yeah, that's true.
Okay.
And don't even get me started on that sadistic doll Chucky.
Recently Chucky sat down with TMZ's Harvey Levin and said he's dating someone
new.
And she's a real doll.
You think I'm never gonna get pussy again?
What do you mean?
You get pussy all the time.
I don't feel like I'm...
Don't publicly do that me no get pussy thing.
No.
No, that's a...
But that's a nonsense.
Alright.
You get...
You do fine.
Okay.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Alright.
And in...
And sad news out of Korea, folks.
Over 150 people and counting were crushed to death at a Halloween festivity in
Seoul,
Korea.
In what people are referring to as a Seoul-crushing tragedy.
Anyway, folks.
We've got a great...
Hold on.
Do that one again.
What do you mean?
That's the best show opinion.
I think.
I don't know.
It's soul-crushing.
It's good, yeah.
And who wrote that one?
You did.
Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you!
Alright.
Oh, thank you very much!
You wanna do the Japanese guy that's just mildly interested in Black Lives
Matter?
Didn't we do that on the show already?
I don't know.
It's more of a Chinese impression.
Yeah, who gives a shit?
I'm coming back out.
Alright.
Keep me coming.
I'm coming back out.
Alright.
Guys!
We did it!
We made the Adam Friedland Show.
Stay tuned.
We'll be back in a second.
It's gonna be a good show.
With our first guest.
It's a huge chance.
We got two guests.
We fucking did it.
It took months, but we did it.
Fuck everyone who said that we couldn't do it.
Fuck you.
And honestly, our overhead is massive right now.
And please...
Ahhhh!
Alright.