Name: Shaq Tried to Steal My Girlfriend | Simon Rex on The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-02-03T21:11:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shaq Tried to Steal My Girlfriend | Simon Rex on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shaq Tried to Steal My Girlfriend | Simon Rex on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-03. Transcript available.

You were saying before the show, Jamie Presley,
you got in a little love triangle.
- Oh, it wasn't a love triangle.
So what happened was I was at an event with Jamie.
She was obviously the it girl of the moment.
Like Hollywood's always got, you know,
so the new beautiful blonde, blah, blah, blah.
And she was that girl.
She had just done a movie called "Poison Ivy."
But anyway, this is what's crazy.
Was me and Jamie were out at a party
and Shaquille O'Neal was there.
And Shaquille O'Neal's hanging out with us
and he's being super cool.
And I was like, "Damn, dude."
And I just read--
- Shaq on the Lakers.
- On the Lakers at the time.
- Early 2000s. - This is like 2000,
99, 2000.
And I remember I had just read his book
and I was hanging out with him
and I was like, "Man, I just read your book."
He's like, "Thanks, man."
He was being super cool.
That night, we're in bed.
And you gotta imagine, this is like cell phone days
when it was like a flip phone.
And all of a sudden, in the middle of the night,
a phone number calls, 818 number in the middle of the night,
wakes us up and I'm laying in bed.
And she wakes me up and she's like, "Hello?"
And I wake up and she's like, "It's Shaq."
And he was like, "Can I get some pussy?"
- Basically. - Yeah, yeah.
- And he was just like-- - That's rude.
- He was like, "What are you doing?"
She's like, "I'm in bed with Simon."
He's like, "Come meet me right now."
- That's rude. - I know.
- I just hung out with them that night.
- That's quite rude.
- And then he says, "It wasn't easy to get your phone number.
I had to get it from my friend in the police department."
The motherfucker was a cop.
- Shaq. - Remember, he was a cop.
- Yes, he was a cop. - He was a cop.
- And he used his connections to get my girl's number
and call after we hung out.
And I felt so violated.
I remember going back to bed and I woke up the next morning.
I'm like, "Call her ID, 818 number.
I gotta call him back and tell him."
And then I'm like, "Fuck, am I really gonna call Shaq
and be like, "Back up off my leg?"
Like, he'll murder me. - Did you do it?
- And I called the number, I had to.
I had to be a man. - Oh, amazing.
- So I called the number and his assistant answers the phone
and is just like, "Uh, he's not here."
I'm like, "Tell him Simon called.
We hung out last night, I just have to talk to him."
Then I never called back.
I called like five times.
I kept saying, "Have him call me back."
I was like, I gotta-- - You were heated.
Five calls is like, he pressed a button.
- He never got on the phone with me.
And the assistant was like, "Um, he's busy."
And he was just, I was like, "What a fucking bitch."
And then I was just watching his documentary the other day
and I was all into it.
And then I was like, "Oh, wait a minute, fuck, dude.
He was trying to fuck my girl."
And then I was like, "But you know what?
It probably works for him a lot
and I don't know the dude so I don't take it personal."
- Yeah, that's probably his move.
- It took me 20 years to understand.
That was his move.
- He gets the police to get a girl's number
and then he calls her and says,
"Please leave your boyfriend."
- And it might work sometimes.
- I'm sure that he's like, "That's my classic move."
- Yeah.
- That's my go-to.
It's like the drop back slamma jamma.
- Is that a football move?
- He played basketball.
- Oh, basketball.
- The Lakers, yeah.
- So what's the lesson to be learned from that?
Did I do the right thing by calling the number back?
I felt like, at least I showed Jamie at the time.
I was like, "I gotta defend our honor."
- No, you lost her respect.
- I did.
- Yeah.
The five calls, she saw it.
- She's like, "You're desperate.
You're trying too hard."
- Yeah.
- He'll fuck you up.
And then I was like, "How big is his dick?"
Like it's gotta be so big, but if it was on your body,
it would look so big, but on him it might look small.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Relative proportion.
- But even if it looks small, it's probably still-
- That's what I'm saying.
Relative proportion, he is seven foot tall.
So he's got a big, either a little big dick
or a big ass little dick.
These are the things that I think about.
.