Name: When Nature Calls & You Can't Hold It In | Ariel Pink on The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-02-09T21:32:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When Nature Calls & You Can't Hold It In | Ariel Pink on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When Nature Calls & You Can't Hold It In | Ariel Pink on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-09. Transcript available.

- Do you get nervous before you play shows?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I'm nervous all the time.
That's how, that's my comfort zone.
- You're Jewish, so am I.
- That's right.
- Yeah, well, you're half Jewish, he's fake Jewish, this guy.
- Yeah, that's why I'm not that good at it.
- No, we're not good at it at all.
- No, you're good at it.
- And we're constantly shitting our pants and stuff.
- I'm not shitting my pants.
- I poop my pants like once every two years.
- Have you ever pooped your pants?
- Yeah, on the record.
- Like, have you ever really pooped?
- I pooped my pants at Nick's house once.
- I pooped my pants.
- Middle of the day.
- I pooped my pants once.
- Let's hear about it.
- I was in Lisbon.
- Portugal.
- I was sick.
I sneezed.
- And then a poop came out?
- I mean, like, fucking, like, it was Willy Wonka's
Chocolate Factory, man, it was fucking,
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my trousers fell down.
- Like a cartoon.
- It was, it was, yeah, no, it was, it was like--
- But you're saying from the force of the poop,
your trousers-- - From the force of the, because I was so
congested, that I sneezed.
- Wait, so you're saying that it had like--
- And it basically came out the other fucking way.
- It was like a cannon.
- I felt, I felt like a, I felt like the oldest man
that ever existed.
- Wait, it just blasted through the poop material?
- There was nothing coming out of my nose,
nothing coming out of my mouth.
- Really?
- It was, it was a nightmare.
It was insane. - See, this is good stuff here.
- Yeah, this is, this is like, some real bloopers.
- I pooped my pants, I pooped my pants at Nick's house
and I was sitting on a camping chair
and there was a brown spot on it afterwards, yeah.
- That's, that's the worst.
- And I pooped my pants on the subway train once
when I moved to New York.
I used to tell this story on stage and I,
'cause I was going through a breakup and I thought that I had,
I realized one morning I was like,
I haven't had a vegetable in six months.
I've just hated my ex-girlfriend too much to eat vegetables.
And then I made mad smoothies and stuff.
And then that night it was like,
like my body couldn't handle real food.
And I was wearing shorts.
It was 2:00 AM on the subway.
I was wearing shorts and I was, and I crapped my pants.
And then there were like nurses,
like old ladies getting off a shift.
And they were like, oh hell no.
Like people were like pissed at me.
And I got in trouble.
And then.
- You got in trouble, of course.
- I got in trouble.
Everyone's laughing at me and stuff.
And I'm like crying.
I'm like, and I kept saying.
- You probably just left it there too.
- I kept saying I'm new to the city.
No, no, I was wearing, I was wearing,
I was wearing shorts like this.
So I was going like this.
- You were, you were manspreading?
- No, because I didn't want the turds to come out.
And then.
- Oh my God.
- Then I got some bush wick.
- So the turds were coming out,
like like coming out the bottom.
- No, no, but I felt like if I stood up,
then the stuff could fall.
I was just wearing boxers and shorts.
You could tell, you could feel the clumps
that were basically.
- I felt it in there, dude.
- Was it, were they rocky or were they,
was it smooth or what?
- They were wet, but they were definitely in clump form.
And then I, I walked, I left the train,
I walked back to my apartment.
And then, and there were turds like falling,
like, like a golden, like a, like Goldilocks.
Like a trail.
And then, and then I was like,
and then I saw, there was a fire.
I used to tell this on the stage.
There was a, there was a fire hydrant.
Like it was like New York City
and Bushwick in the summer.
So they pop.
- You used it as a bidet.
- I used it as a bidet.
Yeah, and I did it before I went in my apartment.
And then there were a bunch of like.
- So, so you probably like interrupted some kids
that were doing like, you know, like, like, like, like,
like a, a, a, a, a, a, a.
- Just a sad Jewish man with this asshole.
- They were doing like, like, like hopscotch
or like jumping jacks or whatever,
like on the sidewalk with the, with,
and, and, and with it, with the water going,
like a, like a perfect summer day.
- Yeah, no.
- And then you came out, came over
and washed your ass on there.
- I washed my ass.
Well, it was the middle of the night.
So I thought no one would see.
So I took boxers shorts off.
So it was just t-shirt, penis, ass.
And then I just put it on the hydrant.
And then, and then a bunch,
like a bunch of fucking Spanish kids.
Like, I think they're.
- Of course it's Spanish kids.
- Spanish kids pull up on me and they see me
and they're like, oh, are you gay?
- Oh yeah.
- Maricón.
- They said I was gay.
- Maricón, they called you Maricón.
- Yeah, they're saying that I was being a homosexual for,
because homosexuals enjoyed blasting,
blasting fire hydrants into their asses.
- You don't understand.
- Yeah, we all pooped our pants, you know?
- But why were you naked in the middle of the street?
- Because I was walking back to my apartment.
I didn't want to walk in with fucking poo on my like thighs.
- So you just disrobed it in the street?
- I thought no one was out.
It was 2:00 AM.
It was like, literally, maybe it was even 3:00 AM.
It was like, there was no one out.
- You were willing to be that vulnerable.
That's, that's.
- I thought I was being sneaky.
- And then the Mexicans came up, the Puerto Ricans, whatever.
- Yeah, and they were like, oh, you're gay.
And I was like, ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh my god, man.
- It's pretty funny.
- Did they help you out, at least?
- No!
No, they laughed at me.
- Did you have your keys on you?
- I had them in my shorts, then I ran, I ran.
I remember running, 'cause I was half a block
from my apartment.
I ran, like, and I put my T-shirt over my penis.
I was just running.
- Oh my god.
- And I ran to my apartment, yeah.
- This is like a real story.
This is what, I feel like, this is what the show is about.
- That's what it's about.
- It's for you to confess this event.
This has all been, like, sort of working up to this.
- I've been confessing this event for years.
- This is like a staple of every show, kind of thing?
- No, I used to say it on stage, and then it kind of got--
- Got played out.
- You got played out, yeah.
You can't play the same track for too long.
- I guess so.
- You know?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You got played out.
- You got played out.
- You got played out.
- You got played out.
- You got played out.
- You got played out.
- Yeah, yeah.