Name: Monologue: Trump Visits East Palestine Chemical Spill | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-03-07T13:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Trump Visits East Palestine Chemical Spill | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Trump Visits East Palestine Chemical Spill | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-07. Transcript available.

What? Oh my god. Oh my god. Guys. No, enough. Calm down. Are we doing this? You
want to do this? Come on.
Well, today's monologue is going to be a train wreck, folks. And no, I'm not
speaking metaphorically.
Today's top story, the devastating train crash from a month ago or whatever.
Here's the latest. Former President Trump loudly and fatly made his way to Ohio
to greet the residents of the chemical disaster, what many of his critics are
calling a publicity stunt.
If you ask me, the only stunt I'd like to see Trump do is the same stunt
Brandon Lee pulled on the set of The Crow.
But if it's a publicity stunt, it worked. And it's likely the first stop in his
2024 presidential campaign. Will he run again?
Is that on the agenda? I'd like to see it. Not to see him win, of course. I
just enjoy watching mentally enfeebled people run.
The Special Olympics. Forrest Gump.
Trump 2024.
In his visit, Trump took residents to McDonald's and bought everyone food and
bragged that he knew more about McDonald's than anyone else.
McDonald's was a fitting location for such a display. It is, after all, the
clown restaurant.
I'm just shocked he didn't jump in the ball pit and yell out, hey, folks, maybe
we can find Pete Buttigieg in here having sex.
It really was a display of how powerful Trump is. His simpleton bravado
registers with people.
Where Joe Biden brags about having black friends in the 1920s, Donald Trump, on
the other hand, claims to be the greatest of all time at something no one cares
about.
What does it mean to know more about McDonald's than anyone else?
It really is both disarming and aggrandizing.
It's like if I came out here and I said I have the thinnest penis in the world.
No one has ever seen a penis this thin.
In prison, they used to lay me face down in the yard and use my asshole as a
sundial.
They called me Sundial Ernie.
And everyone loved me.
Because you could take one look at my asshole and know exactly how long it was
going to be until you were free.
Meanwhile, President Biden himself could take a look at my asshole himself, as
he's completely lost track of time.
An entire month has gone by, a black history month, mind you, without him
visiting the site of the toxic trade and derailment.
Offering an excuse to reporters that he claimed that he doesn't need to visit
because he already had a Zoom call with mayors and governors in the area.
A Zoom call.
A Zoom call is what you do when you don't want to go to your grandmother's
birthday.
I know that excuse from a mile away.
Oh, to think of the things I've gotten out of by just hopping on a Zoom call.
My nephew's Brits.
Oh, I wish I could be there.
But I'm so busy with the Adam Friedland show.
Perhaps a Zoom call.
My mother-in-law's abortion.
Zoom me in.
My mentally disabled cousin putting on a magic show at the Jewish Community
Center.
Well, for that, we're packing up the cameras and I'm there three days early to
shoot the greatest documentary anyone's ever seen.
At this point, you have to wonder whether or not it would even be beneficial
for the president to visit East Palestine, Ohio.
A toxic train derailment is one of those things you either deal with right away
or you just ignore forever and pretend it's the fault of the last guy.
Kind of like herpes.
I can't really fault the president for hiding.
Honestly, if Chernobyl too happened on my watch and my rival was there handing
out Happy Meals while I was trying to remember where I left my sunglasses, I'd
spend months in Delaware myself trying to figure out a different train disaster.
But it's important with all these things not to politicize the issue, right?
Isn't that what we're supposed to say?
We can't politicize this.
I'm not sure what that means, really.
But it sounds good.
After all, people are being fucked up by toxic chemicals and to this date they
haven't received much material support other than a couple of Big Macs and some
free hats.
So I'm proposing something different.
I'd like to actually do something.
I would like to formally invite the entire town of East Palestine, Ohio to New
York City to come work for the Adam Friedland Show.
The pay is low and I'm due.
But it's got to be better than whatever the hell is going on in Ohio.
And in fact, you might be learning a thing or two about the coastal elites that
I've been told that you despise due to jealousy.
If there's one thing I know about working class white Americans, it's that if
there's anything they love as much as they hate Wakanda, it's toiling away at a
humiliating and shitty job.
There's plenty of that to go around here at the Adam Friedland Show.
For example, we still need a mascot.
Perhaps the guy who got Mickey Mouse voice from the dioxin in the air could
dress up like a big rat.
We also need a maid and a wet nurse for my after nap milking.
And I've been reading a lot about fluffing lately, and I imagine that I'd quite
like to have my penis sucked on before the show.
Not to completion, not even hard, but just enough that it makes me feel like a
man when it touches my balls.
Now I know what you're thinking.
For the love of God, please go back to politicizing the train derailment and
stop trying to help these people.
Well, you know what?
I will.
And we're not actually looking to hire anyone.
I was just trying to teach you all a very important lesson about trying to help
people.
And that lesson is, until everyone in America is ready to hold Donald Trump
accountable, we can't solve anything, and we can't move forward.
Much like a train itself, the engine is accountability.
And the caboose is racial and cultural harmony, with class structure still
thoroughly intact, of course.
And that, folks, was the news.
We'll be right back with iSpice after this.
Who's excited?
It's going to be a big one.
Thanks, folks.
Thanks, folks.
Thanks, folks.
Thanks, folks.
Thanks, folks.
Thanks, folks.