Name: Monologue: Twitter Blue Checks, Biden and the News | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-04-26T14:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Twitter Blue Checks, Biden and the News | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Twitter Blue Checks, Biden and the News | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-26. Transcript available.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. You guys are crazy. Thank
you. Thank
you very much. I'm touched. Folks, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show. I'm your
host,
Adam Friedland. Let's do the news. The Boston Marathon just wrapped up, and
without incident,
it's hard to believe it's already been 10 years since the tragic bombing that
resulted in the
deaths of at least four or five Mark Wahlberg movies at the box office. The
marathon is,
of course, famous for being the one time a year in Massachusetts where the
words Boston and race
can appear in a sentence without immediately being followed by or
and who won the marathon, you may ask. Well, do I even have to tell you? A Kenyan,
of course.
Losing every single year to an African must really sting for the world's most
racist city. And frankly,
it seems a bit unfair. You don't see a bunch of translucent Southie going to
Kenya to participate
in a skin cancer contest now, do you? Which is ironic, because I think the guy
that won the Boston
Marathon this year was named Melanoma. The CEO of Herman Miller is under fire
after yelling at employees
on a Zoom call, lambasting them for worrying about their bonuses after she
herself took a million
dollars in bonuses. This really looks bad for Herman Miller, a company that
makes office chairs for
rich ass to sit around playing executive on. And I'm sure they'll never sell
another $5,000 chair again.
The justice department has accused New York City residents of running a secret
Chinese police
department controlled by Beijing. The so-called police officers were tasked
with silencing critics
of the Chinese Communist Party through intimidation and monitoring. Which is,
of course, exactly
what our police do, except f***ing style. Many are calling it a real life
police story, but
this rumble in the Bronx is certainly no tuxedo. I certainly hope we rush our
police officers
up there to shang on their high till I noon.
Ed Bath and Beyond has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, which is bad news if
you're trying to buy a Snuggie
in 2023, and wonderful news if you're the guy that thought Beyond meant you're
allowed to
s*** off into the display curtain. Both Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon have been
fired by their
respective media employers. With any luck, the two will team up to start a new
show where they s*** each
other's s***. Beloved comedian Richard Lewis and co-star of the show Curb Your
Enthusiasm has
announced that he has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Good. President
Biden's approval rating
among young Americans has dropped to a new low of 36%. When told of his
declining popularity with young
people, the president said, "I didn't get it. I've tried everything. Smelling
them, touching them,
getting closer to them, kissing their necks, touching them on s***, reaching
around and touching their
developing s*** and s***." Controversy of the Putin-run version of Amazon.
Female employees of the Russian
online retailer Wildberries have accused the company of mandating strip
searches. Employees were
dismayed, thinking that Wildberries was the only Russian business that doesn't
involve getting s***ed on
camera. A giant animatronic dragon caught fire during a show at Disneyland this
weekend. After clearing Donald
and Goofy of wrongdoing, the police discovered the dragon self-immolated in
protest of the $35
souvenir cups.
In the ongoing blue-check Twitter controversy, the museum at Auschwitz-Birkenau
death camp clarified to its
followers that it never paid for Twitter blue. And Nick, I refuse to read the
rest of this joke.
Hunter Biden may be hiding out in the White House to avoid a subpoena sent by
the mother of his child. It
seems the hunter has become the hunted.
The NYPD rolled out a new line of crime-fighting subway robots that resemble R2-D2.
In response,
criminals have rolled out train s***ers that talk like C-3PO.
The manslaughter charges against actor Alec Baldwin have been dropped, and he
has returned to the set of
Rust, where he famously murdered the film's cinematographer in a premeditated
act outlined
on a 78-page manifesto. The actor said, "I'm so happy this is all cleared up so
I can get back to
doing what I love: shooting and killing women."
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died, and no one
f***ing cares.
Okay, guys, we got a great show for you today.
Okay, so we'll pick up here, and uh, yeah, and finally...
Was your shirt open before?
I don't remember.
What's wrong?
I don't remember.
Well, you just don't seem like you're into this.
No, we'll do it. We'll do this thing.
We can argue. We can have this argument about how long...
There was no argument.
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died, and no one
cared.
That's not how you did it. You didn't read it like a joke on there. You were
like...
No one f***ing cares.
And no one f***ing cares.
Yeah, no one f***ing cares about this.
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died, and no one
f***ing cares.
Don't act. Do what you just...
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died, and no one
f***ing cares.
So we got a great show for you today.
I saw how you did it.
How did I do it?
Read it like there's no joke written, because that's what you did.
And lastly, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died, and nobody
gives a s***.
Let's get started.
The Adam Friedland Show, you know, like that.
And lastly, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died, and no one
gives a s***.
Let's get started.
It's the Adam Friedland Show.
We got a good...
Hold on a second, Adam.
What?
Let's...
What was the Australian jockey?
I think we should stay on that one.
We didn't really have a joke for it, though.
I mean, there's so much there.
It's so rich.
He's Australian.
He's Australian.
He's small.
Jockeys are small.
He's tiny.
It's Australia.
It's a man being killed by wildlife.
It's the tapestry of us.
They die from animals a lot there.
As a personal favor to me, I would like there to be something about this jockey.
Okay.
He's survived by his horse.
No.
See, no ironic stuff.
There's got to be...
Look, we need a good monologue joke.
And this is sort of the...
This is the perfect storm of things.
I don't know.
Something about Christopher Reeves, perhaps.
They're calling him the Christopher Reeves of Australia.
Not because he fell off a horse, but because he's a tiny man who probably lives
in Smallville.
Smallville's good because of a jockey.
A jockey would live in a place called Smallville.
Smallville because he's small.
Because he's tiny.
Yeah.
And so it's a misdirection.
Okay.
So the audience hears that and they think, oh, why?
Because he fell off a horse.
Yeah.
And then we go the other direction.
No, because he's tiny and he lives in Smallville.
Because he's probably from Smallville.
Because he's probably from Smallville.
Try that.
Okay.
Less soft talking also.
In Austra...
What do you mean?
Why are you on there about this soft talking?
There's a lot of soft talking.
All right.
All right.
All right.
An Australian jockey died this week, tragically, after dying during a race.
No.
People are calling...
No, no, no.
An Australian in the audience.
Okay.
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died in what
people are calling
an Australian Christopher Reeves.
Not because he's Superman, but because he's probably from a place called Smallville.
Dave, do you think that's funny?
Don't ask Dave.
He doesn't look calm.
Okay.
Let's go a different direction.
What if he becomes the horse?
It's like surrealist or something?
I don't know.
No.
Maybe there's a way that could happen.
Maybe the horse fell off him.
A Catherine the Great situation.
Let's go back.
Let's go back.
Let's reverse course.
All right.
A jockey has fallen off a horse.
Yes.
What's the funny part?
That he's Australian, that he's a jockey, or it's a horse?
I thought you want to synthesize all of that.
I know, but let's isolate the one that's the funniest.
Well, jockeys are always on horses.
We know that.
Yeah.
Okay.
So it's an Australian jockey who tragically died on a horse.
Maybe something about the horse having a pouch.
Yeah.
Yeah, that he fell out of the horse's pouch.
He fell out of the horse's pouch.
Yeah.
When asked what he was doing in there in the first place,
I'm looking for my tiny Australian clothes.
And an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died.
The horse was carrying him in his pouch.
And when asked what he was...
How would they ask him what he was doing in there?
How would they ask him if he's died?
He died on the scene.
That's it.
That's the one.
We're going with that one.
Okay.
Dave, stop sneezing.
You've got to take care of your health, Dave.
He's laughing.
He's laughing.
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died.
He was riding in the horse's pouch.
When asked what he was doing in there from heaven, when he was being
interviewed in heaven,
he said, I was trying to find my tiny clothes.
My tiny Australian clothes.
My tiny Australian clothes.
Dave, steady the camera, please.
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died.
He was, of course, riding in the horse's pouch when asked what he was doing in
there.
He remarked, I was looking for my tiny Australian clothes because I'm a jockey
and I'm Australian.
Don't explain the joke to people.
They'll get it.
A good joke doesn't need to be explained.
Right.
And finally, an Australian jockey has fallen off his horse and died.
Of course, he was riding in the horse's pouch.
When asked what he was doing in the horse's pouch, he said, I was looking for
my tiny Australian clothes.
Folks, we got a great show for you tonight.
Perfect.
Who's excited?
Great show for you tonight.
Perfect.
Stay tuned.
We got a lot of big things.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Absolutely perfect.
Thanks a lot.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
If you can't write the joke, write the joke about the joke.
And it gives Ginsburg some work to do.
Okay.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.