Name: Monologue: The Shrink Ray & Tiny Nick Mullen | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-05-17T20:05:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: The Shrink Ray & Tiny Nick Mullen | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: The Shrink Ray & Tiny Nick Mullen | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-17. Transcript available.

all right all right let's go hi sorry i don't know why i did that guys folks
welcome to the
start of another amazing episode of the adam friedland show you know what that
means it's
monologue time give it up monologue monologue monologue and we got a good one
for you this one
is a real doozy a banger even as i might say i can't wait to do it personally
and we've had a lot
of big news this week there's been so many things going on but first let's go
to you the audience
that's right you at home what do you guys want to talk about like you uh sir
yes you the man sitting
at home alone watching the adam friedland show on his phone what do you do for
a living
what's that you say you install phone lines well who the hell uses phone lines
anymore
your customer base is all old people that are only using their phones to get scammed
by nigerians right
yeah all right now let's all have a good laugh at that man all right
who else is there uh maybe oh this woman perhaps hello hi ma'am yes uh the girl
chain smoking in her
dirty apartment watching the show hoping that it will lead to a friendship with
what do you do for a living oh i'm sorry i guess i should rephrase what does
your father do for a
living bitch uh anyway hey what the fuck is this is that all the fucking monologue
we have this week
is imaginary crowd work i don't i don't see anything else here this is this is
all makes sense that's the
monologue now we have to do the fucking interview i i mean is that all you
fucking turned in this week
look there's there's nothing else here this is all they sent me i mean okay
dave look i'm i'm sorry this is this is all this is only you need to text him
because you gotta call
him right now let me just call him fucking call him okay okay okay okay i'll
call him i'll call him
call him right now okay where the is he dude this is the worst one yet i mean
like how little work
is he doing all right can we get charlie out here because i don't want to be
standing if uh we're not
gonna be shooting hi hi hey upsies please i need uppies okay thank you yeah he's
not picking up
fuck let's get some peanut m&ms in my mouth please thank you yeah thank you
wait he's here already
hey guys oh so you're tiny now i know i'm i'm sorry uh someone go get him
hey nick do you do you want a tiny coffee i'm okay he doesn't deserve a tiny
coffee what the
fuck is this monologue it's your one job i know i fucked up i i had a monologue
written and i want to
do um like this thing about remember that bank shooting a couple weeks ago so
about that and how
you know we need to save capitalism and the way to do that all these elites
they invested vaccines
right but that's not the answer they need to invest in shrink rays if bill
gates created a shrink ray
then we can just make poor people tiny yeah so like the movie downsizing that's
just a plot to the movie
downsizing it is okay i watched it on a plane so wait so you didn't just try to
write another monologue
no no i panicked i thought it would take too long to do that so my thinking was
if i made a real shrink
ray then we could shrink you on the show and make you time hey listen did yours
make me time but then i
accidentally made myself tiny i'm big adam now i was just trying to make the
show good make the show
good i've had to carry your ass for weeks i know it's my own fault what is you
out of ideas all of
a sudden was this some sort of cruel joke you thought you could set me up for
failure or something no and
now i've flourished and you're hurt come on man you don't have to be so cynical
about it but i mean yeah
honestly kind of yeah i i feel defeated i feel small you are small no i mean
before i was tiny
i felt small you were small before you were tiny i don't mean a physical sense
i mean in like what
your penis no not my penis that's physical your metaphorical penis then perhaps
no i i feel like
i took too much of a step back with this show that i reduced my role too much
and and now i feel tiny
like emotionally in my heart all right guys can we can we clear the room five
minutes not
you charlie no can i can i keep it 1000 with me all right can you just not talk
to me like that i
don't want you to feel tiny i feel small not tiny if you don't want to feel
small then you stop being
a coward hey i'm not a coward all right would a coward bet the farm on a show
hosted by the least
likable member of the worst podcast of all time okay okay the show will be good
when you get your
confidence back and start cooking well we cooked on the last show and i didn't
feel any better about
that no i mean like metaphorical cooking like your penis we're not in
competition with each other
i know that you're not telling me anything i don't know i know what's unfair
and i know what's
rational and what is it well it helps to hear from the outside sometimes
instead of just locking
yourself into an argument in your own head yeah i guess that's true come on man
you don't have to do
everything yourself i'm not i stopped with the wires i'm not touching buttons
anymore i don't mean the
wires i mean sorting out these issues in your head that's why you have a mouth
so you can communicate
oh but did i tell you i was thinking about getting lip injections okay have you
thought about why you
thought about getting lip injections so i can do crowd work we don't need to do
crowd work we have a tv show
now i mean do we though yeah look at all this
what nothing i just you know i guess it's just sort of easier to appreciate the
scale all this when
you're tiny maintain that perspective but you can't stay tiny well i don't know
how to untiny myself by
doing what we just said see yourself as part of the process something bigger a
necessary part big small
doesn't matter hey remember on magic school bus when they shrunk the bus down
and all the kids went on a
school trip inside of carlos's ass you're saying i'm the magic school bus
absolutely man thanks man
but we got a bigger problem i i don't have the technology to make myself big
again well just make
an enlarging ray or something you think if i had an enlarging ray i would have
shrunk myself no this
entire city would be in ruins i'd smash it asunder why is that where your head
goes why destroy the entire
city why not use being a giant for good i don't know i've never been a giant
before i just always
imagined that's what i would do if i was i don't think you would honestly i
think you'd help people
well i'll tell you what sometimes i need help adam that's what i've been saying
yeah but now i'm
saying it in a way that only i can well i think anyone could say it i think i
just did well no what
you said is that i'm the voice of the show and the show's bad without me no i
don't think i went that
and then you'll kill yourself if i'm not a part of the show oh i'll tell you
this i don't have a way
to make an enlarging right but we might be able to make a normalizing right but
we'll need help
and i know a guy not dracula no we're not doing dracula ever again what do you
mean no more dracula
like ever yeah remember we couldn't get we needed a fat suit and we couldn't
get it well who's gonna
help then the greatest scientist of all time who yakub very close adam all
right we'll be right back
with neil degrasse tyson my dick is so small now
you