Name: Male Puberty Was Rough | Stuff Island on The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-07-19T14:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Male Puberty Was Rough | Stuff Island on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Male Puberty Was Rough | Stuff Island on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-19. Transcript available.

I was recollecting the other day about middle school,
but, like, that has to be the most misogynistic, awful that you ever are.
I remember, like, me and my friends, like, never got a sniff of pussy.
And I'd be like, I would fuck that bitch in the ass.
I would say about girls, other children in my school.
I'd be like, oh, look at her.
I would fuck that bitch in the ass.
Coming out of young Adam.
Yeah, but, like, obviously, because you're so clueless and desperate for female
attention,
and you have these hormones racing through you.
But in retrospect, it's like, that is inexcusable to say.
Oh, dude, I never even whispered my sexual desires to anyone in middle school.
I was belt-tucking since fifth grade.
Dude, I, yeah.
Boner city.
I remember as a kid, I used to, like, if I had, like, between the shower and
putting clothes on when I was naked,
I would be, like, I would feel really uncomfortable, just even in my room alone.
Alone?
Yeah, yeah, alone, naked.
I was like, this is so weird.
Yeah, and I would immediately put underwear on.
Dude, in grade school.
You scared of your own cock?
In grade school, I made a-
I can't even describe it like a kid.
You're poor, skin-crawling, uncomfortable.
Oh, my God.
I made one of the, I made a flashlight in grade school.
What'd you make?
I made-
What grade?
Third grade?
No, like, sixth.
Fifth or sixth.
I feel like you, the eye trally is-
No, it's worse, dude.
Nikola Tesla.
It's fucking frightening.
It was, I just used a glass.
I used a, like, we used to drink this tea cooler, which is Arnold Palmer, and I
had this glass
I liked, and it had, like, a nice little shape where it came in at the top, and
I took that
silky stuff when you get new sunglasses.
Yeah.
Your little sunglass silk.
Yeah, the, like, the wiper.
Yeah, I put the wipe-
No, but it's, like, the sleeve.
The lens cleaner.
Oh, no, the sleeve.
The full sleeve.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, when you got Oakley's.
I dropped the sleeve in, take the string out, tighten it around the top.
I just put it, but here's, like, it's fucking nuts.
I put it in between the mattresses, and I just leaned on the mattresses.
No, that's normal behavior.
It's glass.
No, but kids fuck mattresses.
I could have guillotined my hammer, dude.
Young men fuck mattresses and couches.
That's just a normal thing.
We've all done it.
We fuck pillows, mattresses, and couches.
Oh, God.
Yeah, that's such a strange-
You remember that toy that was, like, it had, like, glitter in it, and it was,
like-
Yeah, squishy.
The squishy, and it was, like, a tube?
Yeah.
I feel like we all fucked pillows.
That came out way too late.
Yeah, I never had one of those.
Oh, for me, it was, like, that was my girlfriend.
That is-
We went steady.
That does feel like a secret design for little boys to fuck that toy.
There's this benevolent pedophile that came up with it.
It was, like, my boys are gonna have fun.
We didn't have that.
We had to use a snap bracelet.
Just put it around there.
How'd you get that-
I'm kidding.
Just when you're a bad boy, you snap bracelet your bird?
Yeah.
It wraps around it.
It's like someone grabbing your dick real quick.
You know how we all fucked fur bees, and-
Yeah.
No, that-
I had a stuffed animal that I fucked.
Really?
Yeah, I still feel bad about it.
It's so embarrassing.
Did you put a hole in it?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
It was, like, my childhood friend.
You fucked your friend?
He's been there for you all those years?
Teddy bear, yeah, yeah.
Did you change his sexes?
What?
Did you put, like, a little wig on it?
Or was it still-
Yeah, that is a little bit gay, you know?
It was-
It wasn't still Chucks.
That is kind of gay.
So you're still Teddy Bear Chucks?
Did you convince yourself it was a girl?
Uh, I don't think I had any real feelings about what, like, it's sexuality.
He's lying.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's definitely lying.
He's lying.
Well, that's cool.
That's very progressive and cool.
I mean, yeah, I don't know.
It was-
What?
What age?
17, 19?
No, no, yeah.
It was probably, like, 9, 10.
Wow, that's old for fucking-
Nine?
I couldn't fucking-
Nine years old.
I was throwing touchdowns.
Were you?
You're fucking your best friend, Teddy Bear.
How deep could you throw the ball at nine?
I got tape of it.
I can get tape.
Yeah?
Just tape of it.
You were Pop Warner?
Yeah.
You slang?
Yeah, I slang.
How far?
It's all no-look passes.
You can't see the line.
You're just hawking it.
No, everybody was small.
There was a weight group.
So it was, like, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s.
No fatties allowed.
They put them in trash bags, and they had to run around to make weight.
Wait, your Pop Warner was determined by weight?
Weight class, yeah.
I mean, it makes more sense.
It's age and weight.
I hit puberty late, and I remember in middle school, there were, like, kids who,
like, had
goatees and were like, I'm going to fucking kill my dad.
And I'd be like, I'm a boy.
I'm still a boy.
I'm going to murder my dad.
This dude, Kevin, showed us his bush when we were, like, sixth grade.
We just were walking, like, to recess or some shit.
He goes, yo, guys, you want to see something?
He pulls down, and it was a fucking bouffant, dude.
Thick, dark, like, Armenian bouffant.
And I was like, what?
I remember I heard two kids had sex in sixth grade, and I went home and cried.
And I was like, we're just kids.
We're not ready for this.
We're just kids.
Dang, sixth grade.
Sixth grade.
Dude, the pube thing was such a huge...
Yeah.
I was like...
I remember it was, like, pressure.
I didn't get full bush, tenth grade.
Tenth grade, maybe.
I was close.
Do you remember seeing the first couple years?
I thought Italians get it mad early.
No.
Well, I guess it's a case by WAP basis.
I think you're, like, what are you, supposed to, by eight, you're already
neglecting a wife
who doesn't have your dinner ready?
Duh.
I was late bloomer like you.
Really?
Yeah.
I didn't sprout till, like...
My sprout.
My sprout was, like, four inches, but it was...
Do you remember the first couple pubes coming in?
A hundred percent.
I have a snapshot of that.
I'm proud.
I remember seeing...
I remember looking down at my dick and seeing two hares.
I saw one.
Yes.
Thank God.
Oh, my God.
It is.
It's like when you're watching Planet Earth and, like, the river starts to come
into the
winter season.
It's like, it's going to be flush down here.
I never thought.
It's going to be planted.
The trees are getting wet.
The herds of buffalo and shit coming in.
Dude, yeah.
I was...
I convinced myself, and it's never going to happen.
It's pathetic.
I don't want it to your head, though.