Name: Celebrity Rumors: Robert De Niro & Tom Cruise | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2023-12-24T14:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Celebrity Rumors: Robert De Niro & Tom Cruise | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Celebrity Rumors: Robert De Niro & Tom Cruise | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-24. Transcript available.

I heard, I was saying earlier, I heard a celebrity Hollywood rumor that I think
would be funny
to say on the show.
Sure.
But apparently the boss himself, Mr. Robert De Niro, actually Springsteen
borrowed that
from De Niro.
He was stripping a girl and then she had to take a pause and go to the bathroom
and apparently
she says she walked back into the bedroom and he was fellating himself while
standing.
His penis was so big that he just, you didn't see anything.
I'm not sucking my own dick.
You talking to me?
Yeah, yeah.
Yo.
I've got nipples, can you milk me?
Are you for real?
I've had dreams that I've sucked my own dick.
Really?
I had a dream the other night.
My friend has done it, apparently.
That's funny.
I had a dream I was fucking Robert De Niro and then he was sucking his own dick.
Did you?
Can you imagine being so horny?
I'm like, oh!
You're like, you're horny?
You can't wait for your dick to come back.
Mr. De Niro, I had a lot of respect for you before you criticized our President
Donald
Trump.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
I'm like, mom, can I sleep with you?
Mom.
I had that dream again.
Oh my God.
You had it.
Just go breastfeed.
Just do a little breastfeed.
We did a bit on the podcast last night about an Italian guy finding out there's
no Santa
when he's like 38 years old, because that's when he moves out of his mother's
house.
So he gets his own apartment.
That's funny.
Yeah.
That's funny.
Gets his own apartment.
He's like, what?
Where's the presents?
And then he goes out on the street and he just beats up a homeless guy.
Yeah.
What are you looking at?
Just punches a hole through the wall.
I don't believe in Santa.
I heard another really good.
Actually, I'm going to say all the great Hollywood celebrity rumors.
The other really good one I heard.
What is this?
TMZZZZ?
That's pretty good.
That was funny.
That was funny.
What's that?
I was like going to sleep.
That's funny.
TMZ.
Jack Nicholson, lifelong cocaine user.
In the 90s, he's dating Laura Flynn Boyle, and they get addicted to crack.
Oh, yeah?
And so their people say, oh, this is a bad thing.
We can't have a cigarette.
We can't have Jack on crack.
Yeah.
You know?
Right.
It rhymed, too.
He didn't crack.
And apparently, so their people put him and his girlfriend in medically induced
comas.
To withdraw them?
To get off of crack.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't believe it.
That's fun.
You're doing crack to impress your, like, 37-year-old girlfriend.
Yeah.
Your anorexic 37-year-old girlfriend.
You know they put people in medically induced comas?
Well, they knock them out for hours and get, like, five different guys to
tattoo them so
they can get a whole back piece done in one day.
Oh, Cosby style.
That deserves smoke.
I'm getting that.
I'm getting my tattoo costume style.
Okay.
Third one.
This is the best one.
Okay.
Best fifth, sixth, seventh-hand celebrity roommate.
Actually, Stav told me this.
We were at the beach one day and he told me this.
Tom Cruise, right?
He, uh, uh, okay, not Tom, it's about Tom Cruise.
So there's this, uh, middle American, all American quarterback style boy, right?
And he's, like, uh, at 18, he's, like, I'm gonna move to Hollywood, be a movie
star, right?
Obviously, tale as old as time.
A couple years later, he's a high-class escort, right?
Yeah.
And he gets a call from his service and he says...
No way.
He gets a call from his service.
He says, uh, two things.
These are the only two things, uh, instructions.
I actually have one when you're done with this.
Okay, great.
This is fun.
Yeah.
Um, show up at this private airport and don't remove the towel, okay?
That's all he was told.
What?
So he shows up at a private airport.
He's, like...
In a towel?
No.
Oh.
No.
In clothes.
Uh-huh.
And then a plane pulls up and they say, get in.
Uh-huh.
And he's sitting there alone on, like, a private plane.
And he's, like, what the fuck is going on?
He's, like...
And then he hears the engine start.
He's, like, where the hell am I going?
And then, right before the doors close,
none other than Tom Cruise walks in, right?
Uh-huh.
And he's, like, oh, this is what this is about.
And the plane takes off, and Tom is the coolest guy.
Uh-huh.
He's, like, do you have dogs or cats?
Oh, yeah.
Just, like, normal, fucking cool, like, chill, friendly conversation.
Right.
Plane lands, undisclosed city.
Uh-huh.
And he's, like, well, see ya.
And then the guy's, like, what the fuck is this?
Okay, well, bye.
He's, like, I guess that's what I had to do for my job.
It's strange, but okay.
And then he gets off the plane.
He's staying there.
He doesn't know what to do.
And a limo pulls up.
And he gets in the limo.
And he gets whisked away to a hotel.
And he's, and they give him a room key.
So Tom Cruise was on the plane.
He's on the plane, and he leaves.
And he leaves, yeah.
Yeah.
He gets a room key.
Can I guess what happens?
He beats him to the hotel.
Yeah, sometimes comedy is just listening, you know?
It's listening and responding.
Go ahead.
No, what, how?
I don't know.
That's the longest fart I've ever heard.
Was it?
Now that is comedy.
And I listened, and now I'm responding.
That was amazing.
Did you have a fart machine?
No, I guess I just, when I eat bad food.
That was the length of a Scorsese film.
I know.
That was three and a half hours long.
That was about two and a half killers of the flower moon, brother.
That movie was so boring.
Oh, my God.
Good for you.
I saw the holdovers.
That was really good.
That, okay, next story.
You can't top this.
That's the best ending of that story.
Oh, my God.
You're just like, like you're a comedy Venom.
Like, okay, guys.
I stay with you.
All right.
And I'm a killer.
So he says, so he says, they give him a room key.
They say, go up to this hotel room.
He walks in the hotel room, and he looks at the bed.
There's a naked man with a towel over his head, face down, with his legs spread
apart.
And then he proceeds to sodomize that man.
But he didn't know who it was.
And he left.
Yeah.
Oh.
Tom Cruise.
But it wasn't.
Of course.
I mean, that's the point of the story.
He beat him to the hotel.
Yeah, but it's funnier if he walks into a room, and there's a towel over the
guy's head.
And the only instruction he had was, don't remove the towel.
Jesus Christ, Ian!
I'd have removed the towel.
Okay, you next.
But wait, I thought the guy was wearing a towel.
No, he had a towel over his head.
Which would make him a towel head.
And his ass was in the air.
That's comedy.
That's funny.
No, come on.
He's really invested in the Gaza thing.
All right, go.
Yeah, yeah.
The towel head is not funny.
What are you, Team America World Police right over here?
I am Team America.
That movie is so funny.
We need to mind our business.
Oh, yeah.
America first.
Go ahead.
The thing that's so great about them is that because they're libertarian, like,
libs will
watch that movie and be like, this is about George Bush's overreach in foreign
policy.
And then, like, conservatives will watch it, and they'll be like, Durka, Durka,
Mohameda,
Jihad.
They're like, ha, ha, ha, that's, that's, they went there, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
It appeals to everyone.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, so, Michael, what's yours?
Well, I don't know if it's as good as yours.
So, he, but he met Tom Cruise first.
He went on the plane, wanted to make sure it was a chill guy.
Right, right, right.
And then, uh, he said bye.
Yeah.
And then ostensibly.
All right, now, later, you're going to sodomize a guy that's not me.
You're going to, you're going to be sodomizing someone later.
It's not Tom Cruise.
Don't tell the press.
I mean, you can't prove that it was him.
You can't prove it was him.
Would you have moved?
I'd have fucked him so hard that the towel flew off.
And I'd have taken the towel and put it around his neck and made him fucking
feel hot.
You just killed Tom Cruise by accident and having gay sex with him.
Yeah, I'd have fucked him to death.
You know.