Name: Stephen Hawking - Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon
Uploaded: 2024-01-11T13:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stephen Hawking - Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stephen Hawking - Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-11. Transcript available.

You guys miss him, by the way?
You guys miss Stephen Hawking?
- Yeah. - Good, good.
I did a show, I asked, and one guy was like,
"He was a fucking nerd."
I'm all aggro about it.
Which is very funny, 'cause the guy was right.
He was a nerd.
But you just don't think about Stephen Hawking
on, like, the nerd jock continuum.
Because you'd think he would have escaped that
at some point in his life.
It's hilarious to imagine a 65-year-old Stephen Hawking
leaving a lecture hall at Princeton, being like,
"And that's the way the universe works."
Then he goes outside, and there's just a guy
in a Letterman jacket that's like, "Whoo, yes."
"Hey, boys, here comes Wheels."
Let's fucking get his ass.
He's like, you know, "Please stop."
"Leave me alone."
His hair's gray.
Take his computer.
Look up gay porn on his computer.
Pull up guys fucking on there.
"Hey, everybody, look what the nerds looking at."
Yeah, sometimes women will get mad, too.
Like, I've had women be like,
"Well, you know, he cheated on his wife."
And I'm like, "Tell me exactly what happened."
And then he cheated on his wife.
And it's like, everybody knows that, too.
Which is like, how did that story get out
other than his wife telling people?
Which, that's got to be wild.
Can you imagine being one of her friends?
And you're like, "How's it going?"
She's like, "Tough week."
"Steven, uh, cheated on me."
And then you have to be like, "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry that happened."
I guess that's--
Yeah, that's tough.
Definitely.
I personally miss him a lot.
I didn't at first.
He was like one of those celebrities that died,
and I didn't give a shit, and then I missed him later.
Which, I guess, really, the only other example of that
is Paul Walker, probably.
That one hit me, right?
'Cause you remember the headline when Paul Walker died?
It said, "Paul Walker dies in fiery car crash."
I had the same reaction as every other American.
I said, "Ha, ha, ha."
"Well, that is ironic."
That is a irony.
Then "Fast and Furious 6" came out,
and I cried, and I cried, and I mean...
Stephen Hawking, same thing.
I bet they chill.
I bet they're friends, wherever they wound up.
Paul Walker and Stephen Hawking.
Paul Walker's like, "Let's see how fast
we can get this chair together.
See if we can get a 10-second chair out of you, dude."
He's just, like, fucking with the oxygen tank.
He's like, "Dude, is this NOS?"
Stephen Hawking's head's just getting bigger.
He's like, "Please stop.
You're killing me more.
Please stop it."
I'll tell you, my favorite thing about Stephen Hawking,
the thing I love the most about him,
is I love that he had glasses.
That always tickled me.
That was always so funny to me,
that Stephen Hawking had glasses.
Like, to be that fucked up, and then...
And then you're still like,
"I think something's wrong with my eyes.
I think I better get my eyes checked out
before this gets any worse."
Can you imagine Stephen Hawking just bashing his way
into a lens crafter?
Can you help me?
They're like, "No, no, no, no, no.
You need, like, a battery or something,
not a fucking eye exam.
I don't know why you're saying that.
I'll tell you what I didn't like, though,
is that Stephen Hawking movie.
That thing was a bummer.
The top to bottom, even the name,
"Theory of Everything."
That's not the name of his theory, right?
It was like they got somebody's cousin
from Staten Island to write the whole thing.
Somebody was like,
"Hey, Tony, give us a Stephen Hawking movie."
He's like, "Yeah, no problem.
I got your Stephen Hawking movie right here.
All right, yeah.
No, so check this out.
All right, so he's Stephen Hawking.
He's a scientist.
This guy's a fucking genius, right?
So, yeah, no, he came up with a bunch of...
He came up with a theory of fucking everything,
this guy, come here.
So, yeah, he came up with everything.
All right, so here's the movie.
He's normal, and then he's retarded.
That's it, so that's it.
Give me the Oscar, and that is the movie.
I don't know if you've seen the movie.
That's the narrative arc of that movie.
It starts off, he's walking around.
He has his original voice.
Did you ever hear his original voice?
He was like,
"I think I'm gonna go to university for math."
Did you know he sounded like that?
He had that Mary Popham's voice.
I saw that, and I was like, "Wow."
So he was retarded the whole time.
What an uplifting story about this man
who triumphed over odds.
But, yeah, no, the worst part about the movie
is that guy did win.
He won, like, the best actor award that year
for that fucking movie,
and I don't think it was a good performance
because, like, Stephen Hawking, in real life,
he had ALS, which is a degenerative disease.
It gets worse and worse.
Remember Ice Bucket Challenge?
Right, yeah.
Well, I guess you remember that, but not ALS.
That guy was okay.
I think it was a good movie.
Yeah, so that's what Stephen Hawking had.
He had Ice Bucket disease.
No, but it's like a degenerative disease, right?
And I guess that could be hard
for an actor to portray, right?
At one point, they can put him in the wheelchair,
but leading up to that,
he has to show this process of degeneration.
And the way he chose to do that
is at a certain point during the movie,
he's wearing glasses,
but he starts doing this, like, Jerry Lewis, like...
He's like, "My knees don't feel too good!"
And then the Academy Awards saw it,
and they were like, "That was the best performance of the year."
That's probably exactly how it happened
at Cambridge University.
They were sending him to class,
looking like the nutty professor, I guess.
Anyways, that's the last naughty thing I have to say.
I'm glad you guys aren't mad at that.
I had a lady get mad at me.
She said it was ableist to make fun of Stephen Hawking,
which I disagreed with, right?
'Cause I said it can't be, 'cause he's dead, right?
Yeah.
And I believe that.
I don't think you can be ableist
to somebody that's dead, right?
If you think it's ableist
to make fun of Stephen Hawking now,
that means you think he's still in the chair in heaven,
right?
Hello?
And that,
that would be a pretty fucked up heaven,
I'd imagine.
Can you believe that?
You do the best math in the world for 80 years,
you finally get up there,
you're like, "Can I please get some pussy?"
And they're like, "Nope, back in the chair, pal."
Yeah, we got math up here, too.
There's numbers you're probably...