Name: How to Survive Prison | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2024-01-26T12:30:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Survive Prison | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Survive Prison | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-26. Transcript available.

what are you talking about is that for like a paint it's a shim yeah shiv no shiv
is a knife
in prison yeah that's right okay what would your general strategy i mean we
know you are skinheads
but you day one prison you're in the yard i would strategy for like the next
you i resent that two
years no no you don't even have to answer we could all see it mexican you're
not gonna go with oh yeah
yeah yeah i go like um i'll go like socal like white yeah yeah yeah like woody
like hey what's up
woody allen no there's this san francisco or bay area rapper named woody yeah
it was this white guy
who was like he was a white latino yeah the higher the higher the socks the
downer of the food
yeah yeah yeah he took a bunch of pics with him with his hands like this that
is kind of my you gotta
crouch what you do the crouch take this seriously jerry day one prison you're
in the yard right
everyone's eyeballing everyone else right they're looking at the car you have
the muslims you have
them you've got a car they're looking at the car you know and they're going to
want to take that car
from you they drive away it's so easy easiest scenario ever i don't even fit in
a cell couple of donuts
that's an easy one he doesn't come he's molded if i go to prison i'm just in
imagine you get the
porch in the prison you're in the yard you got the muslims pumping iron no i'm
not doing honestly
pumping iron okay totally breaking character i'm no longer the car i'm joining
the black muslims that's easy
that's easy they're not going to take your ass brother if you they can't deny
you if you convert
to the faith no that's not true that's true tell me one andy that's ever joined
the black muslims in
a prison inshallah i'll be the first no you got to go nazi it sucks even though
we hate nazis
we don't agree with that i'm not going nazis but you need i'm out protection i'll
leave prison
before i joined no because it's bad tattoos and i'll leave prison i'll leave
prison get out of there
i don't want to join a nazi thing you're getting ready for me you look like you
do kind of like i
feel like you would be kind of like like honestly they would go in and they
would be like all right
obviously everybody would be like obviously okay so you want a fair shake your
plan is black muslims
not a serious answer your plan is what i think i could first of all i'd spend a
little bit of time
with each group so they could feel me out fugazi style buddhist they don't have
those in jail they
don't they might they have buddhists in jail not a serious answer what your
plan is okay what is there
there's the you're in the yard day one you got the muslims start my own the nazis
start my own thing
your own thing doesn't work because then you get jumped by a series you need
for a little bit but
eventually they're going to give up on jumping me and let me have my own can
you just honestly can't
you just be like a nice guy in prison and just like hey guys i don't really
want to be involved in
all this yes you can no i think you probably can't be yeah they're saying you
have to join a car
i know exactly what i do you went into prison yeah i used to do this thing
where i used to hang
out with lifers in college and i was just they were scary murderers yeah that
was it like a charity kind
of thing kind of yeah like you hang out with like a big brothers kind of thing
big brothers uh literally
big brothers uh because these were giant guys that just like you know they were
in prison for life so
they lifted lots of weights uh but it was pretty scary how did they get so why
did you do that prison
to do i'd probably like to just wash some kind of white guilt i'm guessing i
don't know yeah to a
swatch of a suede a swage a swage all right i'll tell you what i'm doing day
one you don't have a
jewish gang in day one day one this is not the 50s where you're the boondist
collective day one day one
we're in the yard everyone's eyeballing me fresh meat fresh meat you literally
they wouldn't even see you
you're not enough of a threat they'd be acting like a i'm marilyn monroe and
they're a uso show
and they're all the gis like no it would not be silence of the lambs nobody
would be it's not
silence of the lambs i'm walking through i'm jessica rabbit i'm like uh yeah
yeah i do the hottest
actually okay i think that you're inflating your ego you're so you don't even
know my plan you don't
know my plan he's so i'm so weak i think that they would like it of course okay
all right here's my
plan when's last time you worked out me yeah in a bay room what in the bay room
that doesn't count oh
okay i don't know okay you got money you should go to equinox it's nice it's
like two blocks away he
doesn't have the mental resolve they keep trying to have sex with me there at
equinox yeah everyone's
trying to have sex with me guys girls everyone it's disgusting well just don't
have a girlfriend go
to the steam room all right everyone's eyeballing me they see the bell of the
ball you know you're
walking through i'm like happy birthday mr president you're doing that you have
the that's that's what
they're seeing that's what they're seeing but you're not doing they're like the
gis in in korea
and i'm like i'm like the sexy gal in their mind yeah yeah yeah how do i get
out of this i don't
want to be in the ass okay how do i get out of it i'll tell you what i do i
stand up on a bench or a
bench or table i assume they have tables and in the yard they have a table you
gotta have a table
there's something elevated i do my act an hour
well 38 41 minutes maybe maybe 36 he could stretch maybe 28 minutes he could
stretch the new israel
stuff that's gonna crush yeah the new all that all the jewish stuff that's
gonna crush okay dad's
penis gonna crush yeah crowd work a bit i would like to get some card clips in
prison can you still do
socials in prison i have them laughing uh yeah they have phones they all have
phones and ps5 i've been
following a big uh british drill rapper from prison in liverpool he's a scout
shout out maza
shut up murder side i love you dude i do my set okay crush but still there's
like the biggest baddest
one there yeah and he's like i don't care that that was the finest example of
stand-up comedy i've ever
seen i'm still going to um sexually assault him right he says it like that he
thinks it or says it
i don't know what the word i don't know how what i don't speak prison but like
okay he's gonna think it
or and so i it'll happen one time okay right i can't escape you uh you gotta
fuck once yeah right
it happens right yeah i'm laying in shame yep a puddle of myself yeah right
here's what no one in prison has ever thought to do i tattletale
about the sec the sexual assault it has to be against the rules yeah it can't
be the rules
then you can call your senator no i go to the warden and i tattle and he's
gonna get in big trouble
that molester i like the big trouble he's that actually is a good idea yeah the
warden's gonna
say wait what they're having sex with each other okay but guess what everyone
else is like he's a
tattletale uh-huh you know what they say in prison snitches get stitches right
then you just tattle
again though then i tattle on them yeah so i get stitches yeah someone stabs me
i'm in the uh health
ward and then i tattle on the guy that that's called the infirmary and then
they don't want to mess with
you anymore and they know this is going to make it back to the ward they're
going to go on time out
yeah yeah they're gonna go in the hole you have to go in the hole they're gonna
go in the hole that's a
good idea because i was ready to i was ready to join the whole faith yep and
all you have to do is tell
they say snitches get stitches you know what's i'd rather i'd rather have
stitches that's also
violently uh gang raped yeah that's fair that's fair yeah yeah because nobody's
like sitting down in
the shower because they got stitches yeah yeah my stitches and then i get free
health care yeah they
they've laced me up mhm laced up podcasts podcast push-ups i'm done joe rogan
experience do my bid
leave i have to go i have to go too i have to go pee i really have to pee so
good bye
you