Name: When Kurt First Met Nick Mullen | Kurt Metzger on The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2024-03-30T13:00:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When Kurt First Met Nick Mullen | Kurt Metzger on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When Kurt First Met Nick Mullen | Kurt Metzger on The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-30. Transcript available.

I think we became friends online before real life, and it was through Facebook.
No, I made, okay, no.
No, I featured for you, but you didn't remember, you didn't remember that.
Do you want me to, can I tell the story?
Yeah, what's your first memory of Nick?
I'd love to hear it.
I featured for him, and I had a sore the size of a dime on my neck.
Well, let me describe it.
Okay, so we were hanging out, so we would hang out.
So it was funny and shit, we were hanging out in Austin.
But you didn't remember that, because when we became friends in New York.
I did not.
I didn't realize Nicole Rowan was there.
You didn't put it together, yeah.
So, you know, hey, I got lots of features.
Sure, sure, sure.
I was assigned by the club, because I had a car.
That's the reason I could feature.
Yeah, a local feature, yeah, Austin feature, yeah.
So we were, like, drinking some bar, and he was making me fucking die,
because we'd just stay in the corner, and he's making fun of the people in the
bar, right?
It was funny as shit.
And then we go to get food, and he goes, yeah, so.
He goes, yeah, so I think I might have, like, syphilis,
so I'm just going to, like, not get tested.
It's not that I wasn't going to get tested.
Here's the problem.
I didn't have a doctor, and so I had to go right after that weekend.
I had to do a weekend in Skyline.
So I had this fucking sore that kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
What did it end up being?
I think it was, like, folliculitis or something.
Folliculitis, I had that.
Yeah, something like that.
Ingrown.
After I met you.
It was an ingrown hair that basically got, like, really bad.
It's staph infection gets in you.
Yeah, and so I had to go to, like, it kept getting worse and worse,
and then that weekend, I'm like, I don't know what to do.
And it might have been, I had to go to do Skyline the weekend after,
and so I went to a Planned Parenthood because it's, like,
that's where you go if you have something wrong with you.
If you're a girl or if you're a man, they tell you to fuck off.
So I sat there in the waiting room,
and I'm, like, really worried about, like, what this thing is going on.
I fill out this form.
The lady behind, like, the bulletproof glass they have there for whatever
reason,
she's like, I'm across the room.
And she goes, Nick?
And I was like, yeah.
She's like, okay, so you got symptoms?
You're supposed to.
She just screams in the lobby.
Yeah, and I'm like, yeah.
And then she goes, well, you're going to have to go see a doctor then
because we can't, if you got symptoms, then we can't do nothing for you.
And I'm like, you're going to have to make an appointment
to see, like, an actual doctor.
Well, can you imagine if that happened now?
They would fucking make your penis into a vagina for you.
So then I stop this, and I go up, and I'm like, okay,
because you have to, you can just go in and get tested,
but if you have symptoms that, like, a physician at the Planned Parenthood
needs to see, I guess, then you would have to make an appointment.
So I'm like, well, I've got to fly out of town on Thursday.
And they were like, well, we don't have an appointment
until Friday or Monday at the earliest.
So I had to go to Skyline, and I did the weekend at Skyline,
and this thing's getting worse and worse the entire time.
I asked my mom what to do.
She told me to put oil of oregano on it.
So I'm, like, sitting in the bathroom, like, I'm just putting, like,
pizza toppings on this fucking wound, just crying, because it's excruciating.
Yeah, it doesn't sound good.
And then I probably, I just, like, bombed all weekend.
Because your dick hurt?
Yeah, and I couldn't get a flight back.
The cheapest flight back was, like, on a Tuesday,
so I had to stay in the comedy condo.
Like, the guy that owns the place, I forget his name.
He let me stay in the comedy condo.
That was Miller's brother, I think, owned it.
No, no, no, no.
That was who owned Cap City.
I'm telling you, Skyline.
Skyline in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Oh, my God, to be in Wisconsin.
Yeah, and then, yeah, two days in that room,
crying, putting oil of oregano on this wound,
just watching Iron Giant in bed.
This was before I met you or after?
That was that week.
The next weekend, yeah.
Because it was the weekend.
Yeah, I featured for you,
and then the weekend after that was when I went to Skyline.
But then, eventually, it went away,
and then, I mean, I got tested after that,
and it's no syphilis or anything.
But, yeah, I had another doctor say, like,
yeah, you have, like,
basically, the problem is I don't clean myself.
So, I was like, yeah.
You know, you were more obese then.
I got a nasty, yeah, more in shape.
Yeah, it was like how, like, a dog gets hot spots.
I kept chewing on my penis in the same area.
So, when he's telling me this thing,
and I was like, and I, you know,
I don't know how much older I am,
but I was like, yeah, dude,
just trust me to get the test.
Because I went through that whole thing of, like,
I can't, I remember my, like, a while ago,
my ex was like, oh, I know I have eight.
By the way, you don't have it.
And I went, I went,
I asked my ex to go with me,
one of my exes,
and to, like,
because I was that freaked out.
Uh-huh.
And she, meanwhile,
knows she doesn't have fucking AIDS,
so it was not a good idea
because she's all cheerful in the elevator
at the clinic.
And she was fucking singing Madonna songs
in the elevator
as we're going up to the AIDS test.
Like a virgin?
No, but I was just like,
it's not,
there's, like, other people,
I'm like, dude, you know,
some of these people probably got AIDS
at these songs you're singing.
Yeah, right.
So it's not.
.