Name: Slave Owner Museum - Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon
Uploaded: 2024-04-15T14:30:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Slave Owner Museum - Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Slave Owner Museum - Nick Mullen: The Year of the Dragon' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-15. Transcript available.

Yeah, no, so I was down there, and, like, you know,
I mean, I have to travel to say all this bullshit,
you know, on the road a lot, which seems, you know,
the shows are fun, but being on the road, it's lonely,
it sucks, and so in different towns,
I usually try to find, like, a little museum
or something to go do, otherwise I'll just kill myself
in the hotel room with peanut M&M's, mostly.
Just suffocating on peanut M&M's, so.
So I was down in South Carolina, and I had some time
to kill, among other things, obviously.
And so, and so I was like, "Well, I'll go learn something,"
right, but it's South Carolina, not a very learned place,
so there was no interesting museum,
so what I ended up doing is I went on a $15 walking tour
of, let's just call it a house built
under questionable circumstances, right, that's it.
It was a guy who was a slave owner's house,
and then you go in, and they're like,
"He owned the most slaves," and I'm like,
"Don't say it like that, why?"
Don't use that tone in describing it.
It was a guy that owned, like, all of these fucking slaves,
but then it was just like a house downtown.
It wasn't like a farm.
There was, like, nothing for them to do, even.
And it's like, that's gotta be the worst guy
to be during slavery, is the guy that's just like,
I just like collecting 'em, I just like--
They're like Pokemon to me, basically, I think.
I stack 'em up, I feed 'em stuff, see if they evolve,
and then me and my friends fight 'em.
We fight 'em together, to make 'em stronger.
I don't know, that's crazy.
That guy was probably just autistic, right?
'Cause they didn't have, like, Funko Pops in 1820.
If you were, if you had autism in the South in 1820,
you were like, "I have the most slaves."
"I got, I have all of the slaves now in my house."
They're like, "Yeah, Jeremy's been struggling in school,
"but we got 'em slaves, we got 'em slaves."
And he's happy, he's happy with his slaves, so."
And he's like, "Okay, no."
But yeah, no, that tour,
the wildest thing happened on that tour,
and I want to tell you guys about it,
'cause it kind of blew my mind,
'cause it was a tour group, I was with other people,
and I was the only one that, like, reacted viscerally
to this bizarre thing that happened on the tour,
'cause, you know, we're doing the tour,
and the tour guide, first of all, like,
just, it was Paula Deen, it was Paula Deen.
I wasn't like, "Hey, that looks like it was Paula Deen."
That's where she wound up after she got canceled,
is tour guide at the slave owner's house,
which was an unfair cancellation, by the way.
I should let you know that, I'm a Paula Deen truther.
That was the only one I didn't agree with.
She got, they fucking, they, yeah,
she got hemmed up on bullshit.
'Cause I don't know if you remember,
you remember what she got canceled for?
She got canceled for saying the N-word,
which, hey, yeah, don't do that, right?
That's bad, but the context is important,
because, well, here's why, 'cause, I'll explain.
I'll explain, because she didn't get caught
saying the N-word, right?
It wasn't like she was on a hot mic on her show,
being like, "Hey, y'all, wanna hear something funny?"
Like, "Brrr." I don't like that.
Here comes my favorite word. It wasn't, it's not a...
No, it was during, like, a deposition.
It was like a legal fucking bullshit thing, right?
And a lawyer asked her, and she asked all the truth.
The lawyer said, "Have you ever said the N-word?"
And what Paula Deen said was, "Yes, I said the N-word,
one time, 40 years ago."
Which has gotta be the record.
That's the record.
That is the record for least N-word said
by someone with that accent,
by a lady that sounds like that, one time.
You remember the first time you were at Paula Deen?
She's like, "Hey, y'all, we're cooking."
You're like, "Fuck, hopefully food."
She's the most racist lady I've ever heard in my life.
Get in here, they got a racist on the Food Network now.
She's just making her chef hat a little bit pointier.
She's like, "What if it was just a little..."
I know it's supposed to be poofy, but just a little,
just a point, just a...
I'm not gonna do the "I's," just the point.
I just want the point part of it.
You think she's probably not even the worst chef, honestly.
I mean, honestly, think about it.
Who do you think uses the N-word more?
Hard R and Soft A inclusive, Paula Deen or Guy Fieri?
Who? Which one?
Which one?
Which one?
You know, as soon as those cameras stop rolling...
You know they probably have to edit it out a lot.
You know he's had, like, a fucking, like,
triple bacon heart attack breakfast burrito,
and taking a bite and just been, like, "Mmm, boop!"
That's a fucking, that's a breakfast burrito right there.
That is a fucking...
They're like, "Yeah, Guy, you did it again."
You fucking...
I know it was a soft day, but you gotta, you probably, I mean...
It's, it's the travel channel.
I don't know what you're...
I'm...
We were already in a lot of hot water with Paula Deen.
Oh, fuck. Yeah.
Yeah, so, anyway, so she's a tour guide
at this slave owner's house now.
And, no, it was wild. It was crazy.
I was doing this tour, and when you're doing the tour,
and maybe I'm spacey or something,
I just kind of forgot that it was a slave owner's house,
'cause they don't really talk about it,
'cause it's South Carolina, so they're like,
"We still kind of think it was good."
You know, they don't...
It was honestly, it was mostly, they're like,
"This is heart pine.
"That's what the banisters are made out of."
And you're like, "Oh, wow, okay."
It was like a Fuddruckers from the 1800s, wasn't it?
It's like commemorative plates on the wall and shit.
So they don't really talk about the slavery thing
until you get to the third floor of the house.
And you get to the third floor of the house,
and there is a dramatic tonal shift,
and the tour guide, she starts getting quiet, right?
She starts lowering her voice.
And at the time, I thought she was getting quiet
due to the emotional severity
of what we were looking at.
'Cause when you get up to the third floor,
there's nothing on that floor
except for this glass display case.
And in the glass display case,
they have these collars that have numbers on them
that the slaves were forced to wear.
And everybody's familiar with the history of slavery,
but when you see physical evidence of it up close,
it's like a very moving experience, you know?
You start to cry, you get goosebumps.
It's powerful to watch, or witness, I guess.
And like I said, the tour guide,
she's getting quieter and quieter.
And she says, "And these were the collars
that were put on the men and women
that were forced to work in this house.
And on this floor, we have to keep our voices down,
because upstairs is the great-great-grandson
of the man that built the house."
And I'm there with like five other people,
and they're like, "Wow."
And I'm like, "Can I have my 15 fucking dollars back?
Are you kidding me?"
What do you mean he's upstairs sleeping at 3:00 p.m.?
Wake his ass up, get him down here.
Let's beat him to death with his shoes.
That's fucking wild.
That's like if you went to Auschwitz
and they were like, "That's where the trains pulled in,
"and you see that little duplex over by the gift shop?
"That's old Billy Hitler's place."
Yeah.
Can you believe that?
Sort of an Auschwitz miracle
they kept in the Hitler family the whole time.
Made through thick and thin.
It's a Hitler property.
Anyway, so.
Anyway, so I guess it's good
all those people died of COVID probably.
But I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.