Name: What it is REALLY like in American Prison | The Adam Friedland Show
Uploaded: 2024-10-06T21:28:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What it is REALLY like in American Prison | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What it is REALLY like in American Prison | The Adam Friedland Show' from TAFS Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-06. Transcript available.

i work you have do you have a copy of supple leopard no what's that oh i feel
like it's in
every one of those kinds of gyms yeah it's like one of the main like supple
leopard it's like a
pt book but basically any kind of pain you have it tells you where it could be
like referred from
and what rehab exercises your toe hurts it's really your hip that kind of yeah
it's it's great
so it's an encyclopedia basically of like prehab and rehab exercises where do
you train out of i
i work at a gym called calm body which is a gym that only hires trainers who
have been uh
incarcerated uh and you were you served a hard time yeah were you in the you
were in the uh the white
the the nazis no no when i was in yeah i'm a puerto rican jew i can't get in
the nazis so where do you
go well that's only in the feds and there's really no nazis left i thought the
whites go nazi black
goes muslim and then latins go no all the white guys want to be black now all
the white yes they're
like yo what's up man so they let them in nation of islam i have seen white
guys in the noi yes i have
so what crew were you what was your crew i hung out with the puerto ricans and
what was like what was
your style it was just my style yeah what was the style that what was the like
you know i will say
what was the banter come more jewy since i've got older for sure my nose keeps
growing my ears and
all that you know that's true yeah the nose and the earlobes never stop it's
the sad when i found
that out i i wanted to cry yeah it's just they just keep it's horrible i mean
yeah i just i hung with
puerto ricans i hung i i hung with everybody it's not really like that in like
the minimum security
spots in in new york it's not like you know the west coast is all mill you know
whites with whites
blacks with blacks if black people are eating here a white person can't sit
there what's minimum
security like well they don't even exist anymore they they cut them out now
everything's medium and
maximum well so what what what are like the levels what are like minimum yeah
what does minimum do
like well just do it by weight class it's fucking insane that that's not the
prison system i should
go to women's no really it should be if you're under 140 or 32 pounds you
should be a man in a
bantam prison you know what i mean and then in between then i'm with all these
guys beating my ass
yeah that's fine but at least you're not gonna like you're gonna feel mexican
you're gonna feel
like you had a shot you know what i mean like if you feel like because what
people live off of is
hope and if some fucking like six so you still got a weight cut while you're in
prison six foot six
dude is like all right we're gonna fight you're like oh we're gonna fight you're
gonna i'm gonna
lose yeah yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean i'll see you i could get mad
enough to convince myself i
could beat up like 145 dude that is i'd lose but i'd be like you know what fuck
this piece of
shit because matt you're like still having to cut weight so you don't go up a
weight yeah
in prison yeah so how did i gotta stay middleweight because if i get i can't
hang with the light
heavy that's okay so that's great i've always said this right and it's kind of
a bit but it's
actually not even a bit it's how i feel right if if someone if i'm getting
constantly okay okay i'm
just saying let's say i mean but what it was him come on i mean look at me you're
like you're like
me and my cool puerto rican friends personally didn't see anyone getting no no
why people making
love that's what let's say okay let's look in okay i'm the bell of the ball
okay and it's happening
to me every night and i'm like this is unpleasant i i'm not i don't enjoy this
right why wouldn't i
just go to the authority how do you get to be here's my question because this
is a better
stuff and nobody gives a shit why wouldn't i tattle here's a better prison
question how do you
get to be one of the guys that has like gamecube in his cell you know what i
mean you have to be
rich yeah no and everybody has ipads now and everyone's got phones but what if
you went like
gamecube or sega genesis you gotta be like avon barksdale okay yeah yeah and a
sneaker a wall of
sneakers yeah wait wait um because it seems like it's just that guy that
murdered a bunch of children
in norway and he's like the only one that gets playstation no jared from subway
definitely has ps5
dude those prisons in norway are sick they're awesome they have like fucking
granite countertops
yeah granite it looks like a holiday it's insane they don't have linoleum
floors they got
they got real tile yeah you ever see that interview and the guy's like you're
like walking through a
cell which is a condo and he goes they treat us like animals here and i was
like what in norway he
said that how dare he and they go on weekend passes they want them to like keep
working things out with
their family well okay of course you have to stick with the puerto ricans there's
a jewish crew that
you could stick with right you'd be surprised really i mean not many jews go to
prison but there's a
federal that is all that's like the jewish prison and that's where michael cohen
went and they have
kosher food yes so green correctional that's where the kosher kitchen was and
there was like 100 jews
working in that kosher kitchen you were in federal or state state and they
would send do they do the
thing where they sanitize the kitchen with a flamethrower you ever see that the
rabbi that's like
this isn't kosher no it's like no it's like a hasidic thing or orthodox thing
but they'll go there was a
big issue in new jersey because his nursing home burned down like nine people
died because the rabbi
went into the kitchen with a flamethrower and they had already told them you
can't do that anymore
and i mean there's videos of it it's the craziest thing of him with a flamethrower
it's a fucking
rabbi just they use a flamethrower and fucking just start flamethrowing the
kitchen my friend went to
orthodox yeshiva because he got all f's in high school and we all went to
college and so he was
like yeah i'm gonna be just an ultra orthodox rabbi i was like bro what are you
doing yeah that's crazy
and then so he called me one week he's like adam how are you and i was like why
are you talking this
way he changed his accent everything and then i get a call like three months
later he's like yo what's
up dude and i was like what happened he's like dude i got i was getting too
high i miss morning prayers
like every day and i was so blazed that i put something in the microwave that
was supposed to be
three minutes and i put it in for 300 minutes and blown up i i set the rabbi's
school on fire
remember that story from like so he got kicked out remember that story from
like eight months ago where
modest yahoo was like yeah my show was canceled because of anti-semitism yeah
and then you're like
oh where was the show and it was at like the clown family fun center in like phoenix
it's like
some like strip mall venue it's like oh yeah on hard time i know uh wait wait
let's go back to the
original question well not the right but like with the tattletailing like what
if someone just tattles
you were getting like that constantly and i don't like it you should definitely
tell somebody it's not
nice and then they would put you in protective custody in pc okay so i'm aka
punk city so that's
where all the the homos go pedos but then i have to then the i have to hang out
with pedophiles
yep they have to pick your poison i can't get my chumps and then so i'm in the
pedophile place
yeah and i'm like these i don't these guys are also bullying me somehow i'm
also getting bullied
there no in protective custody you wouldn't you wouldn't interact with anybody
you almost mean like
the shoe like you'd go to yard by yourself you'd shower by yourself so they
give me you'd live a
horrible horrible life way worse there then yeah because dude i don't know so
would you rather
you know give your chance to yourself a chance to fight back from
fight but look at this
why is protective custody worse because it's like you didn't get a chance to
fight back for the
or the actual like it just sucks over there like that that's it it's by design
that's a trade-off
they're like something about me saying this like makes my spine tingle i just
couldn't imagine myself
getting every day like asmr
sorry if some i don't understand why everybody isn't like oh yeah put me in
protective custody right
away oh yeah yeah because this you like shower twice a week and you get like
you only get to shower
twice a week and you shower twice a week anyway honestly or it could be this so
you they'll give you 30
minutes a day outside of your cell and that's to use the phone work out and
clean yourself so that
you're locked in your room so you when you use the phone there there's a
fucking phone with a big
so they probably they punish you for being being a protective cousin okay yeah
that's so mean you're a
headache on the wait okay but they give you the yard on your own yeah you get
the yard might get a ball
connected to the back of you no you get no ball they don't give you a ball no
because if i get the yard to
myself i'm where they might hold on hold on the yard the yard might be
connected to what so there might be
a door at the back of your cell that just pops open into a cage outside oh okay
yeah mma
what cage smaller what what what goes on in the cage nothing this is you
walking around and oh they
just give you a small cage yeah okay let's say if they were like you get the
yard to yourself because
you're such a you're a loser bitch right and you can't be with all these cool
guys can you can a
regular guy like i would get my let's say i go to prison for some kind of
financial crime right
can i have a kindle and can i have gamecube were you for financial crimes yes
where you're
kindle and gamecube cakewalk then i know gamecube then i'm cooking i'm not
afraid of any i don't even
want to cook steaks yeah i'll eat whatever they have in the commissaries fine
yeah you know a big
foodie i mean that's literally what i eat every night anyways i don't know and
then i kind of walk
back the whole only every three days i honestly cannot remember last time i
took a shower yeah
i've been brushing can i get an electric toothbrush that's big for me because i
got i got uh gum
disease i you could probably get he just started brushing his teeth at 34 i got
some pretty deep
dental pockets i'm just saying if they give me the yard to myself right and a
basketball you're not
getting a basketball i'm getting i'm getting i'm getting my three up to like
maybe 45 percent
you know maybe i'm maybe i'm league maybe i'm coming out of there you're gonna
play for the
for the globetrotters no in the national basketball association a white guy
that can shoot
every team needs that that's what i'm saying it i you might get a ball it
depends on facility
do they have wi-fi in there i don't know yeah it's a good question well if they're
if so we live in we
live in like this is not these are it's what you think because it's like that's
the world we live in
right so so even being isolated like in terms of a cell it's like now you have
to think about digital
isolation which is is a whole other aspect that's been introduced into people's
right psyches so if
you throw somebody in jail and they can't like be like what's kamala hq
tweeting right now right
so if they don't have access to jen saki's latest updates on that that on these
crazy things that jay
that's what i like to call hard time i might even have to kill one of the
guards and take their gun
and shoot up the entire prison unless i know you know what does abby phillip
have to say about yeah
yeah and so i need access to those things i want to know yeah exactly what the
vice presidential
debate would be very funny to be in prison for raping and murdering like let's
say 30 children
and then you're sitting there and you're like can you believe this donald trump
he's an animal can you believe this guy he cannot be president i mean democracy
is on the line this year
oh yeah you just yeah you ran a school bus off the road and went in through the
emergency exit in the
back and just bam bam bam just hitting seat after seat and then you come out
completely nude with your
hands up just waiting for the police to take you
sorry ipods are our ipads are a thing now but i hate the ipad nobody wants that
makes sense that
that's what's in prison the next thing you're gonna have is apple vision pro
what we need is iphones
and maybe a macbook uh-huh the ipad is for an infant it's for like an it's for
a kid shut up at the table
yeah right exactly yeah yeah well you can order your food through there you can
email with family
i'm sure guys have figured out how to crack them and do all kinds of ways but i
would wait wait wait
you're saying they fired all the waiters and now you order on the ipad yeah
jesus christ they used to have waiters in prison yeah

What it is REALLY like in American Prison | The Adam Friedland Show

i work you have do you have a copy of supple leopard no what's that oh i feel
like it's in
every one of those kinds of gyms yeah it's like one of the main like supple
leopard it's like a
pt book but basically any kind of pain you have it tells you where it could be
like referred from
and what rehab exercises your toe hurts it's really your hip that kind of yeah
it's it's great
so it's an encyclopedia basically of like prehab and rehab exercises where do
you train out of i
i work at a gym called calm body which is a gym that only hires trainers who
have been uh
incarcerated uh and you were you served a hard time yeah were you in the you
were in the uh the white
the the nazis no no when i was in yeah i'm a puerto rican jew i can't get in
the nazis so where do you
go well that's only in the feds and there's really no nazis left i thought the
whites go nazi black
goes muslim and then latins go no all the white guys want to be black now all
the white yes they're
like yo what's up man so they let them in nation of islam i have seen white
guys in the noi yes i have
so what crew were you what was your crew i hung out with the puerto ricans and
what was like what was
your style it was just my style yeah what was the style that what was the like
you know i will say
what was the banter come more jewy since i've got older for sure my nose keeps
growing my ears and
all that you know that's true yeah the nose and the earlobes never stop it's
the sad when i found
that out i i wanted to cry yeah it's just they just keep it's horrible i mean
yeah i just i hung with
puerto ricans i hung i i hung with everybody it's not really like that in like
the minimum security
spots in in new york it's not like you know the west coast is all mill you know
whites with whites
blacks with blacks if black people are eating here a white person can't sit
there what's minimum
security like well they don't even exist anymore they they cut them out now
everything's medium and
maximum well so what what what are like the levels what are like minimum yeah
what does minimum do
like well just do it by weight class it's fucking insane that that's not the
prison system i should
go to women's no really it should be if you're under 140 or 32 pounds you
should be a man in a
bantam prison you know what i mean and then in between then i'm with all these
guys beating my ass
yeah that's fine but at least you're not gonna like you're gonna feel mexican
you're gonna feel
like you had a shot you know what i mean like if you feel like because what
people live off of is
hope and if some fucking like six so you still got a weight cut while you're in
prison six foot six
dude is like all right we're gonna fight you're like oh we're gonna fight you're
gonna i'm gonna
lose yeah yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean i'll see you i could get mad
enough to convince myself i
could beat up like 145 dude that is i'd lose but i'd be like you know what fuck
this piece of
shit because matt you're like still having to cut weight so you don't go up a
weight yeah
in prison yeah so how did i gotta stay middleweight because if i get i can't
hang with the light
heavy that's okay so that's great i've always said this right and it's kind of
a bit but it's
actually not even a bit it's how i feel right if if someone if i'm getting
constantly okay okay i'm
just saying let's say i mean but what it was him come on i mean look at me you're
like you're like
me and my cool puerto rican friends personally didn't see anyone getting no no
why people making
love that's what let's say okay let's look in okay i'm the bell of the ball
okay and it's happening
to me every night and i'm like this is unpleasant i i'm not i don't enjoy this
right why wouldn't i
just go to the authority how do you get to be here's my question because this
is a better
stuff and nobody gives a shit why wouldn't i tattle here's a better prison
question how do you
get to be one of the guys that has like gamecube in his cell you know what i
mean you have to be
rich yeah no and everybody has ipads now and everyone's got phones but what if
you went like
gamecube or sega genesis you gotta be like avon barksdale okay yeah yeah and a
sneaker a wall of
sneakers yeah wait wait um because it seems like it's just that guy that
murdered a bunch of children
in norway and he's like the only one that gets playstation no jared from subway
definitely has ps5
dude those prisons in norway are sick they're awesome they have like fucking
granite countertops
yeah granite it looks like a holiday it's insane they don't have linoleum
floors they got
they got real tile yeah you ever see that interview and the guy's like you're
like walking through a
cell which is a condo and he goes they treat us like animals here and i was
like what in norway he
said that how dare he and they go on weekend passes they want them to like keep
working things out with
their family well okay of course you have to stick with the puerto ricans there's
a jewish crew that
you could stick with right you'd be surprised really i mean not many jews go to
prison but there's a
federal that is all that's like the jewish prison and that's where michael cohen
went and they have
kosher food yes so green correctional that's where the kosher kitchen was and
there was like 100 jews
working in that kosher kitchen you were in federal or state state and they
would send do they do the
thing where they sanitize the kitchen with a flamethrower you ever see that the
rabbi that's like
this isn't kosher no it's like no it's like a hasidic thing or orthodox thing
but they'll go there was a
big issue in new jersey because his nursing home burned down like nine people
died because the rabbi
went into the kitchen with a flamethrower and they had already told them you
can't do that anymore
and i mean there's videos of it it's the craziest thing of him with a flamethrower
it's a fucking
rabbi just they use a flamethrower and fucking just start flamethrowing the
kitchen my friend went to
orthodox yeshiva because he got all f's in high school and we all went to
college and so he was
like yeah i'm gonna be just an ultra orthodox rabbi i was like bro what are you
doing yeah that's crazy
and then so he called me one week he's like adam how are you and i was like why
are you talking this
way he changed his accent everything and then i get a call like three months
later he's like yo what's
up dude and i was like what happened he's like dude i got i was getting too
high i miss morning prayers
like every day and i was so blazed that i put something in the microwave that
was supposed to be
three minutes and i put it in for 300 minutes and blown up i i set the rabbi's
school on fire
remember that story from like so he got kicked out remember that story from
like eight months ago where
modest yahoo was like yeah my show was canceled because of anti-semitism yeah
and then you're like
oh where was the show and it was at like the clown family fun center in like phoenix
it's like
some like strip mall venue it's like oh yeah on hard time i know uh wait wait
let's go back to the
original question well not the right but like with the tattletailing like what
if someone just tattles
you were getting like that constantly and i don't like it you should definitely
tell somebody it's not
nice and then they would put you in protective custody in pc okay so i'm aka
punk city so that's
where all the the homos go pedos but then i have to then the i have to hang out
with pedophiles
yep they have to pick your poison i can't get my chumps and then so i'm in the
pedophile place
yeah and i'm like these i don't these guys are also bullying me somehow i'm
also getting bullied
there no in protective custody you wouldn't you wouldn't interact with anybody
you almost mean like
the shoe like you'd go to yard by yourself you'd shower by yourself so they
give me you'd live a
horrible horrible life way worse there then yeah because dude i don't know so
would you rather
you know give your chance to yourself a chance to fight back from
fight but look at this
why is protective custody worse because it's like you didn't get a chance to
fight back for the
or the actual like it just sucks over there like that that's it it's by design
that's a trade-off
they're like something about me saying this like makes my spine tingle i just
couldn't imagine myself
getting every day like asmr
sorry if some i don't understand why everybody isn't like oh yeah put me in
protective custody right
away oh yeah yeah because this you like shower twice a week and you get like
you only get to shower
twice a week and you shower twice a week anyway honestly or it could be this so
you they'll give you 30
minutes a day outside of your cell and that's to use the phone work out and
clean yourself so that
you're locked in your room so you when you use the phone there there's a
fucking phone with a big
so they probably they punish you for being being a protective cousin okay yeah
that's so mean you're a
headache on the wait okay but they give you the yard on your own yeah you get
the yard might get a ball
connected to the back of you no you get no ball they don't give you a ball no
because if i get the yard to
myself i'm where they might hold on hold on the yard the yard might be
connected to what so there might be
a door at the back of your cell that just pops open into a cage outside oh okay
yeah mma
what cage smaller what what what goes on in the cage nothing this is you
walking around and oh they
just give you a small cage yeah okay let's say if they were like you get the
yard to yourself because
you're such a you're a loser bitch right and you can't be with all these cool
guys can you can a
regular guy like i would get my let's say i go to prison for some kind of
financial crime right
can i have a kindle and can i have gamecube were you for financial crimes yes
where you're
kindle and gamecube cakewalk then i know gamecube then i'm cooking i'm not
afraid of any i don't even
want to cook steaks yeah i'll eat whatever they have in the commissaries fine
yeah you know a big
foodie i mean that's literally what i eat every night anyways i don't know and
then i kind of walk
back the whole only every three days i honestly cannot remember last time i
took a shower yeah
i've been brushing can i get an electric toothbrush that's big for me because i
got i got uh gum
disease i you could probably get he just started brushing his teeth at 34 i got
some pretty deep
dental pockets i'm just saying if they give me the yard to myself right and a
basketball you're not
getting a basketball i'm getting i'm getting i'm getting my three up to like
maybe 45 percent
you know maybe i'm maybe i'm league maybe i'm coming out of there you're gonna
play for the
for the globetrotters no in the national basketball association a white guy
that can shoot
every team needs that that's what i'm saying it i you might get a ball it
depends on facility
do they have wi-fi in there i don't know yeah it's a good question well if they're
if so we live in we
live in like this is not these are it's what you think because it's like that's
the world we live in
right so so even being isolated like in terms of a cell it's like now you have
to think about digital
isolation which is is a whole other aspect that's been introduced into people's
right psyches so if
you throw somebody in jail and they can't like be like what's kamala hq
tweeting right now right
so if they don't have access to jen saki's latest updates on that that on these
crazy things that jay
that's what i like to call hard time i might even have to kill one of the
guards and take their gun
and shoot up the entire prison unless i know you know what does abby phillip
have to say about yeah
yeah and so i need access to those things i want to know yeah exactly what the
vice presidential
debate would be very funny to be in prison for raping and murdering like let's
say 30 children
and then you're sitting there and you're like can you